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Curious Jane

He was okay with it at first, but now...

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I told my husband about a Domme I met online. We wanted to meet.  Prior to this, he and I talked here and there about my curiosity to be with a woman.   When I told him about this Dommen woman and asked if he would be okay if she and I had a sexual experience, he said was he was totally fine with it. 

Well, it happened. I called him as I drove home and explained how I was feeling wrong about it (which I got over after a few days of chatting with her). I thought he would tell me the same thing he told me when I mentioned my curiosity-- that it was nothing to be ashamed of and lots of women want to seek out other women for  sexual experiences.

Instead, he was shocked.  He said he didn't think I would be able to be with a woman...due to my "straightness" and shyness, I suppose. 

But after a couple weeks, he seemed to get over it and teased me about it here and there. I told him that I'd like to see the woman again. He asked if he could join. I explained that she and I wouldn't  want that. Then he went into a thing about how it isn't fair that I get to have sex with someone else, but he can't.  He meant he can't go off and have sex with other women.

She and I want to meet up this weekend. She is a little drive away, so it takes a bit of planning of our schedules.  I told my husband that I might see her this weekend.  He went into teasing mode, then it changed back to how "it isn't fair."  He said something like, "First you say you're just curious. Now you want to keep doing it."

Then he said that she is just using me.

I explained that I didn't want to do anything to hurt our marriage, so if it bothered him, I wouldn't go.  He didn't say the words --  that he didn't want me to go, but his reaction was that of relief. 

I told my lady friend about it via text. I haven't heard back from her yet.

So...I don't know if I should just drop it with my husband and lock up my desire for my new lady friend...or try to talk to my husband about it more.  

I feel like he is just simply jealous. I'm the only person he has been with sexually. I told him that I wouldn't be able to let him have sex with another woman, so I understand why he says it's not fair. At the same time, it's different. I know I will put him first and I don't want to run off with a woman and leave him behind.  What if he falls in love with another woman and wants to leave me or start having secret affairs all the time?

I don't know. Thoughts?

 

 

Edited by Curious Jane
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The only thing I can say, in the most completely objective context, is that it sounds to me that you are echoing his concern as well. you say know that you won't fall in love or harm your marriage, so isn't it equally possible that he won't either? I'm not suggesting that you should have to include him in your experiences with other women, but it definitely sounds like you two are not on the same page and if you choose to keep seeing her under these circumstances, until he is ok with it, it will affect your relationship negatively. 

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Can I just say- I'm not sure it is fair that you can see this other woman but he cant see other women too? You say you wont want to run off with her but he doesn't know this for sure and is obviously feeling insecure? 

I think you need to do a lot of talking with him to fid out what he really thinks and also decide what is is you really want. Are you prepared for the fact that your relationship with him might not be the same again?

Sorry if it sounds a bit blunt.x

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Well that sucks. Maybe he thought he would be ok with it but when it actually happened, he wasn’t? How much did you tell him after it happened? Did he keep asking for details or did you feel like you needed to talk to someone after it happened and so you told him?

i’ve been in a somewhat similar situation. Well not the bdsm part, but starting to see a woman while married. My husband said he would be cool with it and he was. It’s also different in that she lives thousands of miles away and I mostly communicate with her while at work. But we talk daily and are very close. he met her and  her family and has been ok with me going to spend weekends with her. Because of the distance that happens only a few times a year. 

He has never asked to join in, not even jokingly. He has joked about me running off with her the morning before I got on my flight to go meet her alone the first time. He also never asked for details afterwards.

i also would be ok (in theory, no idea what I would think if it actually happened) with him seeing a man or a woman like that on the side if we discussed it before and talked it over.

i don’t know if I have any specific advice for your situation. But I would have an honest conversation with your husband and explain why you need this and that you have no intention of leaving him.

i would also examine why you have issues  if he wanted to have a similar experience. It’s of course completely normal if you do, but I would spend some time thinking about why. And this not only to figure out why you would have issues with him doing it but also to be able to be more compassionate to his fears and know what kinds of things would make you (and therefore maybe him) more comfortable with it.

Thats the best I got

 

 

 

Edited by Ona
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I feel for you @Curious Jane. And i understand as I had a very similar experience and I think a lot of married women do. 

It's so great that you can be open with him but he has to be really clear what his boundaries are. I fell into this problem myself. When i told my husband I was attracted to women he joked about it, said it was no big deal, I could experiment if I wanted, asked for a threesome etc. Then when I entered into an emotional relationship he couldn't handle it. I hadn't even been physical with her but he got incredibly jealous, insecure, and when we spoke about sex he said he would only be ok if he was involved, which wasn't an option. I actually did ask him if he wanted to open the relationship, because, as @Maggie51 said, it wasn't fair to expect him to be ok with me sharing my time with someone else and for him not to. Tbh, I wasn't totally comfortable with that option but if it meant me being with her, I could handle it. He wasnt comfortable with that anyway, so also, not an option.

So i think my advice would be to seriously think this through....do you want her enough to open up your marriage and allow your husband the same freedom, or do you want just him, forever, as promised. Can you put your needs and desires aside for him and keep it monogamous, or do you risk it all? Only you know the answer to  that. 

You also say you're afraid he'll fall in love with another woman, but what if YOU do?? Believe me, if the sex is good and you have a great emotional connection too, you could realise what you've been missing all this time and find it hard not to want her completely. It might not be this particular woman but if the right one came along it's highly possible, so you can understand why he might be worried right now.

Some will tell you communication is key and you should talk and then talk some more, get him to open up. They're right, of course, but from my experience I believe if he's insecure right now, there won't be much you can do to convince him otherwise and he'll always be looking for signs you might wander elsewhere. So talk to him now, find out exactly where you stand, and fix it while you've got the chance.

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@Isroses. Thanks. You put it so much better than me!

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1 hour ago, Maggie51 said:

@Isroses. Thanks. You put it so much better than me!

Nah......I say too much sometimes. What you said covered everything perfectly 

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@Curious Jane - This sort of situation isn't specific only to heterosexual marriages... It happens in lesbian and gay relationships too. 

It really isn't ever fair to expect your partner to accept the idea or reality of you having sex and/or romance with someone else if you aren't open to allowing them to do the same, bisexual or not. 

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My marriage is going in this direction too - my husband agreed to let me explore with women (although I don’t have anyone to do that with!) but recently he has developed a crush on a female work colleague. Truthfully, I have a problem with him being sexually intimate with her and have said no to him wanting permission to do so. I feel that me being with a women is something that he can’t provide because he is male. End of. But him wanting her? That hurts! In theory I can agree that it would be fair to open up the marriage and both have the chance to have fun elsewhere, but in reality it isn’t working that way. 

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19 minutes ago, Gemini82 said:

I feel that me being with a women is something that he can’t provide because he is male. End of. But him wanting her? 

@Gemini82 - You could make that argument about any given person, female or male. 

Your husband could equally argue that the female work colleague he has the crush on could give him something that you can't provide, because she has different attributes from you, and he would have a different interpersonal dynamic with her... This is the reason why many extra-marital affairs happen in the first place..

Further, in addition to a woman, another man could also give you something that your husband can't provide...

So the gender-based, bisexuality argument really doesn't hold.

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1 hour ago, BenedettaC said:

@Gemini82 - You could make that argument about any given person, female or male. 

Your husband could equally argue that the female work colleague he has the crush on could give him something that you can't provide, because she has different attributes from you, and he would have a different interpersonal dynamic with her... This is the reason why many extra-marital affairs happen in the first place..

Further, in addition to a woman, another man could also give you something that your husband can't provide...

So the gender-based, bisexuality argument really doesn't hold.

I have to agree with this. A lot.

Edited by pinklotus

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On 8/1/2018 at 7:50 PM, pinklotus said:

The only thing I can say, in the most completely objective context, is that it sounds to me that you are echoing his concern as well. you say know that you won't fall in love or harm your marriage, so isn't it equally possible that he won't either? I'm not suggesting that you should have to include him in your experiences with other women, but it definitely sounds like you two are not on the same page and if you choose to keep seeing her under these circumstances, until he is ok with it, it will affect your relationship negatively. 

I understand  what you're saying.

As for harming the marriage, here is my biggest fear, which is something that can't happen in a same sex relationship--- pregnancy.  I know he would be careful, but there are accidents. We have a young child and that would definitely affect our kid's life if  dad accidentally got someone pregnant.

I have no intention or interest of running off to live with a woman. I've fallen in love with a woman before and I still chose my marriage over her.  

 

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15 hours ago, Ona said:

Well that sucks. Maybe he thought he would be ok with it but when it actually happened, he wasn’t? How much did you tell him after it happened? Did he keep asking for details or did you feel like you needed to talk to someone after it happened and so you told him?

i’ve been in a somewhat similar situation. Well not the bdsm part, but starting to see a woman while married. My husband said he would be cool with it and he was. It’s also different in that she lives thousands of miles away and I mostly communicate with her while at work. But we talk daily and are very close. he met her and  her family and has been ok with me going to spend weekends with her. Because of the distance that happens only a few times a year. 

He has never asked to join in, not even jokingly. He has joked about me running off with her the morning before I got on my flight to go meet her alone the first time. He also never asked for details afterwards.

i also would be ok (in theory, no idea what I would think if it actually happened) with him seeing a man or a woman like that on the side if we discussed it before and talked it over.

i don’t know if I have any specific advice for your situation. But I would have an honest conversation with your husband and explain why you need this and that you have no intention of leaving him.

i would also examine why you have issues  if he wanted to have a similar experience. It’s of course completely normal if you do, but I would spend some time thinking about why. And this not only to figure out why you would have issues with him doing it but also to be able to be more compassionate to his fears and know what kinds of things would make you (and therefore maybe him) more comfortable with it.

Thats the best I got

 

 

 

I told him every single detail because I was a little freaked out by it. He said he appreciates that I told him everything.  

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My husband and I went to lunch together today and on the drive back to work, he out-of-the-blue said something like, "By the way, I don't want to keep you from exploring your sexuality.  I don't want to hold you back."

I explained to him, again, that I won't do it if he doesn't want me to.  He told me that he is actually a bit curious as to what other Domme/sub things could happen beyond what she and I have already done.

We didn't have a whole lot of time to talk, but he said he wanted to talk to me about it further. 

He also said even though he doesn't think it's fair, he doesn't think that he could bring himself to have sex with another woman, so "it doesn't matter."

I'm hoping he and I can get some alone time to talk more tonight. 

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7 hours ago, BenedettaC said:

@Gemini82 - You could make that argument about any given person, female or male. 

Your husband could equally argue that the female work colleague he has the crush on could give him something that you can't provide, because she has different attributes from you, and he would have a different interpersonal dynamic with her... This is the reason why many extra-marital affairs happen in the first place..

Further, in addition to a woman, another man could also give you something that your husband can't provide...

So the gender-based, bisexuality argument really doesn't hold.

Thank you @BenedettaC, you’re absolutely right. I guess I’m worried that she can give so much more than me and he will ultimately choose a new life with her. 

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That’s great @Curious Jane - I hope the conversations keep happening and you find the outcome that is right for you both!

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59 minutes ago, Gemini82 said:

Thank you @BenedettaC, you’re absolutely right. I guess I’m worried that she can give so much more than me and he will ultimately choose a new life with her. 

Those are the exact words my husband used when he talked about his biggest fear of me meeting a woman. Gender never came into it, and while I tried to justify it at first with the "I get everything I need from a man from you", I've come to realise that a woman can provide that, and more. It makes no difference to me anymore. 

If your relationship is strong there's no reason why any other person could replace your partner. If, however there are already big holes in your relationship, then they can easily be filled by someone else especially when its all shiny new and exciting 

4 hours ago, Curious Jane said:

My husband and I went to lunch together today and on the drive back to work, he out-of-the-blue said something like, "By the way, I don't want to keep you from exploring your sexuality.  I don't want to hold you back."

@Curious Jane I know you said you'll be talking more, which is great. Just a word of caution when I read your comment. My husband said the same thing. He desperately wanted to support me because he loved me and didnt want to lose me or feel like he was holding me back in any way. But he really wasn't coping. So make sure he's not just telling you what you want to hear, or what he thinks is the right thing to do. It lies with you now to reassure him that he's still your world!

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Hey @Curious Jane ive been down this path with my husband too.  I had a green light but he needed detail and i couldn’t offer detail.   I tried to offer an open-marriage with rules of be safe/discrete and considerate,  but that didn’t fly.   The conversation went from a fun, safe space to a point of contention (over time)...Jealously reared it’s ugly head and rightfully so bc what i thought was merely a physical attraction with someone i already had a comfort level and connection with (a female bestie of mine) turned out to offer me so much more (then physical).  my mind was blown at the basic needs i was not getting fulfilled emotionally, romantically in addition to physically.  i didn’t even know i had or was missing these needs until they started to be fulfilled.

This reality was really hard to navigate and sadly for me resulted in mostly a conversation ender. While he was eager and pushing it in the beginning bc he wanted me to have the experience and he looked forward to hearing about it,   I no longer felt “safe” discussing the topic.  if i am being honest, this definitely opened my eyes and created a wedge in my marriage and taught me about that the fear of falling for someone else can be reality, transparency is really hard in these dynamics and maintaining my own personal balance is key to my navigation.

Good luck, if u can, keep talking.  if there was already a crack in the foundation between u and H prior to this- be mindful of ur inner feelings and be aware when u feel things start to change in both your relationship and mind.  

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@Curious Jane - My post has crossed over with @TBD78's, above, which serves to illustrate a similar point...

At the risk of engaging in too much forensic analysis, I would like to draw your attention to something that you seem not to have noticed...

7 hours ago, Curious Jane said:

I told him every single detail because I was a little freaked out by it. He said he appreciates that I told him everything.  

Yes, I'm sure he did appreciate that you told him everything!  

Telling your husband 'every single detail' may have had the effect of turning him on, as indicated by the following: 

6 hours ago, Curious Jane said:

My husband and I went to lunch together today and on the drive back to work, he out-of-the-blue said something like, "By the way, I don't want to keep you from exploring your sexuality.  I don't want to hold you back."

I explained to him, again, that I won't do it if he doesn't want me to.  He told me that he is actually a bit curious as to what other Domme/sub things could happen beyond what she and I have already done.

He's probably more than just 'a bit curious', for sure!  Sounds like a pornographic fantasy, starring you and the mystery Domme, might be forming in his imagination...

6 hours ago, Curious Jane said:

He also said even though he doesn't think it's fair, he doesn't think that he could bring himself to have sex with another woman, so "it doesn't matter."

Perhaps the reason why he said 'it doesn't matter' , even though he still maintains that you having sex with someone else isn't fair (which it actually isn't), is that he has found a solution that doesn't necessitate getting involved with another woman (which he may not really want to do, despite claiming he has a crush on a female work colleague, or because it isn't actually possible, because she isn't interested in him). 

As indicated by many posts on this site, sadly, men have a general tendency to try to exploit their bisexual female partner's sexuality to their own advantage and for their own personal gain (i.e. sexual kicks), such as by asking to 'join in', as he did right at the start:

On 8/2/2018 at 3:21 AM, Curious Jane said:

But after a couple weeks, he seemed to get over it and teased me about it here and there. I told him that I'd like to see the woman again. He asked if he could join. I explained that she and I wouldn't  want that. 

While some couples are into exhibitionism and/or voyeurism, sometimes without the knowledge of external partners (which I think is very creepy and totally abhorrent and unethical), it really doesn't sound like that's what you want...at all. So, if I were you, I would stop sharing intimate details with your husband, before it's too late and he starts getting totally obsessed with getting his kicks on the back of your exploration of your bisexuality. (He's probably already doing that to some extent, and possibly watching so-called 'lesbian' BDSM porn to satisfy his 'curiosity'.)

It's a very slippery slope, and you could end up feeling totally besmirched by his attempts at external participation, which could negatively affect your view of your bisexuality, and therefore your own self-image, and that would be a terrible shame.

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1 hour ago, TBD78 said:

 my mind was blown at the basic needs i was not getting fulfilled emotionally, romantically in addition to physically.  i didn’t even know i had or was missing these needs until they started to be fulfilled.

Let’s be honest most men are dopes. I love my husband and he’s pretty in tune to my needs. This statement hit me in the wrong spot. If you didn’t know you needed those things how would your husband know? Marriage is work. No matter the genders. New always feels better than old. It doesn’t mean it’s actually better. 

I don’t have a good solution to any of these problems but it’s important to respect each other’s wishes and fears. And the only way to come out on the other side in a happy place for all is to communicate endlessly. Maybe you end up together or not. 

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Without having read all the answers I'll say that no matter what we all say it's not easy. Even if we were in their position it wouldn't be easy for us too. It's not easy for us trying to be ourselves when we are in a committed relationship either. Conflicts, lessons, compromises, a lot of talk and decisions. It's up to what each one of us want in the end 

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2 hours ago, MarriedBi said:

Let’s be honest most men are dopes. I love my husband and he’s pretty in tune to my needs. This statement hit me in the wrong spot. If you didn’t know you needed those things how would your husband know? Marriage is work. No matter the genders. New always feels better than old. It doesn’t mean it’s actually better. 

I don’t have a good solution to any of these problems but it’s important to respect each other’s wishes and fears. And the only way to come out on the other side in a happy place for all is to communicate endlessly. Maybe you end up together or not. 

Defintely don’t want to jack this discussion - and I respect your reaction to my post.  I missed some detail that made my post very general - so i think your  points are valid.  Men can be dopes ✔️, my H couldn’t be a mind reader ✔️ (100%)

What i failed to articulate was that once i realized what it was that began to fall short  (beyond the physical needs) with my H and asked for those things... he didnt “get it” as his interpretation and delivery  of what i asked for was different than what I needed and asked for.

Led me down a path of trying to compartmentalize what can be achieved and accepting of what cannot in a human being.  The outcome becomes what u and your spouse make of it.  Tying this babble  back to @Curious Jane - if u can sort through emotion and jealousy with H and establish boundaries - u can perhaps set his mind at ease - but that is an action speaks louder than words phenomenon and happens over time following good dialogue.  My advice - put a lot of thought into what u want and need and don’t be afraid to ask for it and try not to settle if it doesn’t feel right.

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RULE # 1 - NEVER share everything to my husband.

RULE #2 -  NEVER share the intimate details with my husband

RULE #3 - NEVER confide and make my husband a sounding board. Find a friend to do this (or share here). 

RULE #4 - when sharing (“there’s a woman...”), I talk to my husband like it’s a matter-of-fact professional business without showing emotions like being too keen or excited. Be brief and straight to the point. 

RULE #5 - meditate and gather the sexual energy in me to satisfy the emotional and physical needs of my husband in bed. Make love. Have sex. Make love. Have sex. This is to assure him that I am present and will always be. I cannot do this all the time especially if I’m physically stressed  from work. The point is, this works for my husband. 

These are the rules I made for myself. Like many of you, I had stumbled once and I learned that my husband wasn’t  immune to jealousy and insecurity despite of knowing how much he accepted me. Over time, I have developed a certain way on how I communicate with him about my sexuality and active interest in women. We both understood the meaning of “privacy” and even if he wanted to know more, he wouldn’t want to have it if I feel compelled to do it. When you are compelled to do something, then you are not free. He doesn’t want me to feel that I am a prisoner of our own relationship. 

 @Curious Jane    Maybe my rules can help you to craft yours one day or apply them in the future. I fear that you have to give yourself and your husband a considerable time to heal. Even if he’s saying positive things now, consider it, as his guilt and love for you that is kicking that’s why. But you don’t want him to feel any bad feelings, right? Letting you do things when in fact he’s not fully accepting it. Build the trust again. Reassure him. This will take time and effort. 

Your Mistress, if she is wise and is after your well being (which I mentioned on another thread), will let you go to sort out your relationship. If she continues to see you and does not give a damn, “it’s not my problem,” then this domme is greedy and doesn’t really care about her sub. 

My two cents. All the best. 

 

 

Edited by blueberry
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I haven't had the chance to read through your posts in detail, but I just want to point something out:

My husband and I are not fighting. We don't yell at each other. We talk with each other. We also know how to effectively communicate. It's just that during the past two weeks we have been extremely busy and haven't had a chance to really discuss things in depth.

We talked about it a little more after we took took lunch together. I even told him about some of the posts ( from you ladies) that are in his favor.

I think he is leaning more toward not wanting me to continue anything with Kelly. 

Also, I recently received a message from Kelly. She said she is really worried about this is doing to my family and she doesn't want to be responsible for problems in my marriage.   

I'm not sure if she was breaking things off. 

I messaged her back and explained that she shouldn't feel that burden as I am responsible for my marriage. I apologized for giving her more details than I should give -- and that all I really should have done was wait until I had a final discussion with my husband, then tell her either "Yes. I can continue" or "Sorry, I can't go forward with this after talkikg to my husband."

 

 

Edited by Curious Jane
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My husband seems to be okay with it now.  Today,  we talked about our fears . When I told him that I didn't want to be with multiple women or move from woman to woman, he felt better about it. 

The problem now: I think the Domme is done with me..  After her message regarding not wanting to hurt my marriage, I sent her a reply, asking if that meant she wanted to end what we started.  She messaged back and said she was just evaluating the situation. That was 3-4 days ago.  She used to message me every day.

I sent her a text yesterday and explained that I didn't want to be a creepy person by continuing to message her if she wanted no further contact. I asked if she could just tell me if she decided to end it...for closure. No response yet.

I know I just met her and we had  one in-person encounter, but we messaged a lot about what our next experiences would be like.  I was very much looking forward to it. Something was unlocked in me and I was so eager to experience more.  

Ugh...

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