treelover123

Seriously... I need some out-the-box thinking

32 posts in this topic

Dear wise ladies of shy's 

Do I have a story to tell about my travels in bi-world. I'll write it all up at a later stage - for your education and entertainment. But I'm very much in the middle of things so its not quite the time for it now. 

The short version: 

Two years ago I was trapped and frustrated. Explained here: 

I now have a long distance girlfriend, who is also married with kids. The emotional support from her is amazing. The sex is amazing. She is smart and funny, and open-minded and wise and very very very hot.  The problem: She is too far away to meet my physical needs. And it is not like I'm greedy - its just that I'm in basically a sexless marriage, and contrary to what Michelle Gurevich says, twice a year is not exactly reasonable to me. 

I love my husband, he is a kind and gentle guy and we have a good life. We parent two young kids. He is just a bit emotionally absent and, like I said: Barely any sex. I've dropped many many hints about being bi-sexual. And I pretty much told him the relationship with my "friend" is not a normal friendship, and that he can ask me anything if he wants to know anything. Or he could tell me if I'm too absent at home... being busy on the phone with her. He has never asked or acknowledged it. So I guess we have a very murky "don't ask don't tell" arrangement.

Ok. So far so good. I've got all this. 

Enter woman number 2. Older hot woman, unattached. Smart and interesting and articulate and artistic, and a whole bunch of things I like. And OH.MY.GOD... What chemistry. Mutually acknowledged. We are two and a half weeks into this thing, which we haven't quite figured out. But the latest development is that I told her that I should rationally just walk away. Appreciate what we have had over the past two weeks, but just walk away. Before it gets too complicated on my side. I also pitched her a fuck buddy option. We don't meet for coffee, we don't send long emails to each other, we don't have long conversations about our relationship. We keep to very superficial "Hi how are you" text messages. And messages to coordinate dates - "See you 4 o clock, here..." kind of thing. I'm afraid of falling in love. I can't handle that. I'm afraid she will waste time on me that she should rather use to pursue a permanent partner.

I also said I'd need to have a more explicit agreement in place with hubby, but ok. And my girlfriend says she is ok with this all as long as I maintain my relationship with her. 

Woman number 2's feedback was - is there another option?

She doesn't think she can do sex without the emotion. And she also doesn't believe that I can. So the asked me for other options. She said she'll let me have her answer, but that we need to think of some other options. 

I told her friendship might be possible, but only if we totally take sex off the table. Forever and ever. And maintain friendship level boundaries of emotional involvement. But yeah... that kind of has disaster written all over it. Unless I remain perpetually in a cold shower. She was also not sure that one can "take sex off the table" with this kind of chemistry. 

So this is where you come in. PLEASE>PLEASE>PLEASE. Think up a solution for me. Aims: 

I want to fuck this woman. Or make sweet sweet love to her. Maybe once, maybe many times. 

I don't want to feel guilt and shame about this. 

I don't want to hurt her, or my husband or my girlfriend. 

I don't want to divorce my husband or dump my girlfriend. 

I'd love to fall in love and have the whole shebang with woman number 2, but I don't have time (Kids, job, commitments... DUH!) or the emotional resources. 

I want to go about this ethically. 

I do not want to spread STDs

I want her to feel that I'm a positive influence in her life. 

 

So there we go. DISCUSS!

 

Edited by treelover123
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Ok @treelover123 i totally have to start with DANG!   

I have some questions:

1. How close do u live to Woman 2 and do your paths cross frequently?

2. Can you compartmentalize people and the feelings you have for them?  

Only seeing your girl 2x/year is definitely harsh on the libido - it’s really cool she is ok with being open to you satisfying those with someone else.   

3. Have you opened pandora’s box with new lady friend yet? or just know there is burning chemistry?

Sometimes the best laid out plans and boundaries don’t work when there is an undeniable pull, we r all human.  I think ongoing dialog with this woman will steer things in a direction that will make sense for you both...

Can you do friend like things and connect on a bestie level but leave out the romantic and cheesy components of a relationship?  FWB does not have to be a negative thing or a thing in which any party feels used as long as their is respect and communication, right?  Seems like it could be a trial and error until the puzzle piece either fits or it doesn’t... hope this helped a little...

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@TBD78

Yeah... I know. How lucky can a woman get? 

1. She stays walking distance from my house. The only circle we have in common is a meeting at a yoga studio once a week. I'm sure if I dig, we might have common friends of friends.

2. I don't know. I got over two woman crushes and carried friendships on with them. I decided to stop dating a guy without hard feelings. Maybe... I really don't know and hope to find out. 

3. Haven't gone there yet. So.much.talk. kept us busy. And its only been a short while. My girlfriend thinks Ill be in woman nr 2's bed like tomorrow. I dont know... There is the thing about talking to the husband. 

Thanks for the inputs. I shall chew on them. 

 

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Hello! What a complicated situation it sounds like to me and I don’t want to judge but I guess my opinion is that your wanting all th cake and scoffing the lot! I don’t think I personally could have so many relationships but I also admire you having various needs met with more than one person (which I think is impossible!) so it feels a bit murky for me what to think. Ethically and emotionally by being honest and open with everyone involved and assuming the other parties are the same with you it may be possible to balance everyone’s needs and expectations and be prepared that at some point you or someone else may need and want to walk away because it’s not right for them. Trust is difficult enough with one relationship let alone three so communication, honesty and boundaries is my idea on how to tackle this. And most of all trust yourself, your instincts, and good luck!

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Not fair to anyone but you. Your Girlfriend just just a “fuck buddy” and your husband is your “side dude” because you are not being honest with anyone in what you can handle. The new girl doesn’t want to be used just for sex, your husband is in denial because he doesn’t want to even deal with what is happening, and your girlfriend I don’t think is your “girlfriend” really if you want to fuck someone else. 

I really think you need to take a long hard look at what you really want. Are you attention seeking? If you are really committed to either of the two people in your life you wouldn’t be looking, and the third person doesn’t seem like they want to share either so by wanting to fuck her you are disrespecting everyone you are in a relationship with including the new girl. 

The only “solution” is for you to decide which of these people you are going to stop using. If your GF is really your girlfriend then stop looking elsewhere. If your husband is reallly your husband be honest and decide what you wants/needs are and what he is Ok with. If you really want to be with this new girl, break it off with the girlfriend, be honest with your husband, and find out what the new girl really wants out of you because leading her on is not fair if she wants more and you can’t provide that. 

Edited by Confusedin2013
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12 hours ago, Confusedin2013 said:

Not fair to anyone but you. Your Girlfriend just just a “fuck buddy” and your husband is your “side dude” because you are not being honest with anyone in what you can handle. The new girl doesn’t want to be used just for sex, your husband is in denial because he doesn’t want to even deal with what is happening, and your girlfriend I don’t think is your “girlfriend” really if you want to fuck someone else. 

I really think you need to take a long hard look at what you really want. Are you attention seeking? If you are really committed to either of the two people in your life you wouldn’t be looking, and the third person doesn’t seem like they want to share either so by wanting to fuck her you are disrespecting everyone you are in a relationship with including the new girl. 

The only “solution” is for you to decide which of these people you are going to stop using. If your GF is really your girlfriend then stop looking elsewhere. If your husband is reallly your husband be honest and decide what you wants/needs are and what he is Ok with. If you really want to be with this new girl, break it off with the girlfriend, be honest with your husband, and find out what the new girl really wants out of you because leading her on is not fair if she wants more and you can’t provide that. 

Whew! Harsh words. I probably would have agreed with this five years ago.

However: These people are all adults and for some reason they get something valuable out of a relationship with me. Its not one sided. When I give, i give generously. 

I also know what i want. It took lots of therapy to sort that out. You wont believe me, but I was the poster child for goody-two-shoes till i decided to connect with the real me. 

I want my good life with my husband plus emotional closeness plus sex. With him. Despite many conversations, hubby wont deliver on the plus plus bit. He is great in many regards, just not that. So i can settle for a big hole in my life or negotiate a creative solution. Creative solutions found me. I was contentedly pining in my corner for 10 years, and then girlfriend happened. 

Girlfriend is great for the emotional bit, but she can not deliver on the physical closeness i crave. She has her husband to fill in the gap I leave in her life. I wish we werent 8500miles apart. My relationship with her is so precious. She is supportive of me pursuing whatever with woman number 2 as long as she does not get neglected. I can't lose her. My heart is hers. 

Woman number two pursued me, while knowing im married. I told her im in two relationships. She did not run away. I didnt want to lead her on, so I offered her 1) friendship only 2) sex only 3) the opportunity to walk away. She is hoping for something less black and white with me. But i dont know what that is. She said she'll let me know what she needs. If i fall for her, my other two relationships will suffer. So im prepared to walk away because that cant happen. Yet, she still pursues me. I still want her. Perhaps sex with her will just drop off the menu. 

I'll keep you updated.

 

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19 hours ago, redstar said:

Trust is difficult enough with one relationship let alone three so communication, honesty and boundaries is my idea on how to tackle this!

Absolutely!

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@treelover123 I admire a lot of what you said.  I can totally relate to creative solutions to resolve (& not ignore very basic human needs).   Life and love and sex is complicated.  I totally relate to the “goody two shoes” younger years - and have been through a similar process as you have over the past year is so.  It has been a very interesting journey when you dig deep and tap into your truth and needs.

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Hey @treelover123. I totally get you! 

From what I read, the crux here is between you and woman #2:

1. GF allows you to have sexual relationship with woman number 2. You said "..supportive of pursuing whatever...."  ---  Does it mean that she allows you to be emotionally involved with W#2? If that is, wow! That's dangerous. She wants you to be happy BUT I'm not sure she knows what she's saying. If you get involved with W#2 with your head, heart and p##sy, I don't know...she might get lost in the picture or become the number 2 instead in the long run. 

2. W#2 doesn't want FRIENDSHIP ONLY. She doesn't want SEX ONLY. And she doesn't walk away but pursues you. --- Mate, she pursues you because she really wants you and she knows that you want her. She continues to pursue you because she is probably holding on to the hope that you'll change your mind and treat her more than a fuck buddy. 

3. Did she come up with an option? 

4. Did you find out what she needed from you? 

5. You said that you are prepared to walk away. Have you tried to really walk away? If I were in her shoes and I could see that you're not determined to walk away, that you actually were burning with desire to have sex with me, well, I would continue to pursue you. You know that she's not forcing you to do something against your will. She is actually waiting for you to give in and decide. 

 

 

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On 8/24/2018 at 10:59 AM, treelover123 said:

Whew! Harsh words. I probably would have agreed with this five years ago.

However: These people are all adults and for some reason they get something valuable out of a relationship with me. Its not one sided. When I give, i give generously. 

I also know what i want. It took lots of therapy to sort that out. You wont believe me, but I was the poster child for goody-two-shoes till i decided to connect with the real me. 

I want my good life with my husband plus emotional closeness plus sex. With him. Despite many conversations, hubby wont deliver on the plus plus bit. He is great in many regards, just not that. So i can settle for a big hole in my life or negotiate a creative solution. Creative solutions found me. I was contentedly pining in my corner for 10 years, and then girlfriend happened. 

Girlfriend is great for the emotional bit, but she can not deliver on the physical closeness i crave. She has her husband to fill in the gap I leave in her life. I wish we werent 8500miles apart. My relationship with her is so precious. She is supportive of me pursuing whatever with woman number 2 as long as she does not get neglected. I can't lose her. My heart is hers. 

Woman number two pursued me, while knowing im married. I told her im in two relationships. She did not run away. I didnt want to lead her on, so I offered her 1) friendship only 2) sex only 3) the opportunity to walk away. She is hoping for something less black and white with me. But i dont know what that is. She said she'll let me know what she needs. If i fall for her, my other two relationships will suffer. So im prepared to walk away because that cant happen. Yet, she still pursues me. I still want her. Perhaps sex with her will just drop off the menu. 

I'll keep you updated.

 

Not trying to be harsh. Ur juggling two is hard three is impossible. I am willing to bet she thinks she can win you over and like you said if you fall for her everyone else suffers and it is selfish, I have been there, not with three but two and it was very selfish of me. I felt like an asshole all the time for it.

i am just trying to look from the other side for you because I know you would never want to hurt anyone in your life but in the end someone is getting hurt. Her because she can’t have you, or her because you won’t leave the other two relationships behind. It sucks but the reality is you have to make a decision. I would flat out ask what she wants from you. 

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On 25/08/2018 at 3:48 AM, TBD78 said:

@treelover123 I admire a lot of what you said.  I can totally relate to creative solutions to resolve (& not ignore very basic human needs).   

Its so complicated. I feel greedy. And maybe I'm overly ambitious. But what this whole experience is teaching me, is how difficult it is to negotiate an open relationship in comparison to "don't ask don't tell". 

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19 hours ago, blueberry said:

Hey @treelover123. I totally get you! 

From what I read, the crux here is between you and woman #2:

1. GF allows you to have sexual relationship with woman number 2. You said "..supportive of pursuing whatever...."  ---  Does it mean that she allows you to be emotionally involved with W#2? If that is, wow! That's dangerous. She wants you to be happy BUT I'm not sure she knows what she's saying. If you get involved with W#2 with your head, heart and p##sy, I don't know...she might get lost in the picture or become the number 2 instead in the long run. 

2. W#2 doesn't want FRIENDSHIP ONLY. She doesn't want SEX ONLY. And she doesn't walk away but pursues you. --- Mate, she pursues you because she really wants you and she knows that you want her. She continues to pursue you because she is probably holding on to the hope that you'll change your mind and treat her more than a fuck buddy. 

3. Did she come up with an option? 

4. Did you find out what she needed from you? 

5. You said that you are prepared to walk away. Have you tried to really walk away? If I were in her shoes and I could see that you're not determined to walk away, that you actually were burning with desire to have sex with me, well, I would continue to pursue you. You know that she's not forcing you to do something against your will. She is actually waiting for you to give in and decide. 

 

 

Its amazing to think how much has been discussed over the past three weeks. To me its important that we get stuff sorted out while we are not too invested. 

She hasn't told me what she wants. Except that she would prefer to see how this thing develops over time. I dont trust myself with this course of action. 

She has also not come up with any options, yet. She promised to consider my suggestions and let me have her answer sometime in the following week. 

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4 hours ago, Confusedin2013 said:

Not trying to be harsh. Ur juggling two is hard three is impossible. 

Perhaps you are right. I am leaning towards walking away right now. But I'd like to hear what she has to say. 

The thought also occurred to me. I'm prepared to spend a lot of effort and emotional turmoil to get sex... With her. What if I tried again with my husband? 

I've spoken to him. I've complained. I've totally changed my schedule to try to accommodate him. He isn't into me, it feels like. He thinks things will get sorted out over the long term. We just need to wait. And in the mean time I'm frustrated as hell. 

I don't know. Its complicated. 

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I think you for sure need to talk to her but I also think you need to evaluate your life. If the husband is not giving you what you need, why stay? If your GF lives far away and can only give you what you need on occasion, why stay?  If this new girl can give you all that you need, why not? It’s ok to fall in love and move on “if “ that’s what you want but I think you should just look at the big picture. It’s ok to change things in life. 

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@treelover123:

In reading over your original post, and the various back and forths that followed, I'm struck by the fact that you seem to have mastered forming relationships with inappropriate partners (i.e. those that don't satisfy your needs).  You have a kind and gentle husband who, despite repeated discussions, doesn't want sex with you.  You have a wonderful girlfriend that's emotionally supportive and great in bed, but lives too far away to provide either gratification sufficiently often.  You're starting a relationship with a second woman that you think you might love, expect will provide great sex, but won't accept the "fuck buddy" relationship you've offered.

I suppose my first piece of advice would be for you to sit down and think long and carefully about what you DO want.  Do you want a caring monogamous relationship with someone that includes frequent physical affection?  Do you want a polyamorous set of relationships in which each other partner provides some, or all, of what you're after?  I understand that these aren't easy questions, but without answers, you're going to be chasing this problem forever.

My second piece of advice would be, (after resolving the question put above), start with your husband.  You're legally married to him, emotionally attached to him and he's the father of your children.  I'm going to assume, based on your post, that you have discussed the situation with him and that you've jointly assured there is no medical condition affecting him so that there is simply no realistic hope of him providing the sexual gratification that you need.  If you've decided you want a monogamous relationship, you're going to have to leave him.  It needn't be bitter, but the current situation won't work.  If you decide to pursue multiple relationships, you should tell him exactly that.  No head in sand.  He needs to know that you're going to have to pursue satisfying this need with others.

My third piece of advice is the long distance girl friend isn't going to work for you either.  She might be the most wonderful person in the world, but she's not close enough to be for you what you want.  She's married, so she's not a good candidate for a monogamous relationship.  Nor is she a good candidate for a polyamorous relationship that needs to include sex.  I'd ease her into a "close friend" status.

My fourth piece of advice is to simply go more slowly with the second woman.  Sorting all the above out is going to take some time.  If you think she's a good candidate for either a monogamous or poly relationship, give her an idea of what you're going through and see if she's supportive.  If she is, and after you've sorted out everyone else, she might be a candidate.

I hope this doesn't come across as "harsh".  It wasn't meant to be.  But you've asked for advice on what to do about relationships with people that, at least in current circumstances, can't provide what you want and need.  So my final piece of advice:  Change the circumstances.

Good Luck

Ame

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@Amethyst753

Thank you for your thoughtful input. Changing the circumstances rather than trying to achieve the impossible feat of adding this woman as a third? Yes. You are absolutely right. 

But making a change to my relationships with my husband and girlfriend are guaranteed to irreparably wreck many good things I do have. 

I have these good things not because there are some inherently magical things about my two partners (or me, for that matter). I have these things because of the mutual investment my partners and I have made in these relationships. And they ARE pretty awesome individuals too. There's a gaping hole, yes. But its the investment we've already made that makes these relationships irreplaceable.

Why am I a master at forming relationships with inappropriate partners? I did not know they were inappropriate when I started. Perhaps love really is blind because there are things you can't know before you know them. 

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What she said: 

"The chance that i would not become emotionally involved with you if we had a physical relationship, is slim. Over the long term, this won't be good for either of us."

So there it is. I said the logical thing would be to walk away. She is saying the same thing. The math is clear. 

What have I learnt? 

I wished for an intelligent, interesting not-crazy hot blonde to have sex with. I got one. It didn't work out. 

I now wish for a not-crazy hot blonde, who is happily committed and feels adventurous, is not in any of my close circles, is respectful of my commitments and would share amazing chemistry. 

I know... I'm looking for the most special unicorn in the most special tribe of unicorns ever.  

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Wow, @treelover123  some really kind ladies have given you great advice here. 

Here’s my 2cents:

The LDR is bound to fizzle out once your needs are being met closer to home. 

You must know on some level that the new lady is a flawed average human like the rest of us. When there’s this much intense attraction, there’s even more potential for heartbreak. I’m sure some part of you recognizes that this is about complicated things going on in your own head more than about how unusually awesome she is. 

I think all this drama is taking up the space in your head that should be devoted to making clearheaded decisions about your marriage. (I speak from experience here) 

For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re selfish, I think you’re struggling like you’ve never struggled in your life. 

 

Edited by 63395
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@treelover123

I am disappointed. Lol! :wacko: I thought she'd come up with a brilliant option that I had never thought of.  :cry:*Sighs*

The thing is, I was on the same shoes as W#2 and I made the decision to walk away. I didn't do it straightaway because I thought I could handle it but not.  Though, she's still available anytime I change my mind but like you, it's just a fuck (no spending together other than sex, no sweet talks, no emails/texts) because she doesn't want to fall in love, married and closeted as hell. 

(Here's the deal: I'll send mine to yours, you send yours to me. :hysterical:)

@63395 Thank you for your post. You hit the nail on the head! 

Edited by blueberry
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As the long distance girlfriend in the above scenario I feel like I should put in my side of this.

I love @treelover123 very much. We are both each other’s first experiences with a woman. We are huge parts of each other’s daily life. Although we live continents apart. And when we are together, it’s fireworks!! I would be absolutely devastated if we stopped our daily routine, but I want her to be happy above all. And if this woman can give her all she needs, how can I possibly claim to love her and not let her have what she wants and craves? I am in a different situation in that I have plenty of sex with hubby and in that I would be totally fine without sex even if that wasn’t the case. 

So that’s where I was coming from telling her that I would be fine with it. It wasn’t because I don’t care or this is some kind of casual thing to me. This is the most important relationship I have ever had in my life. Period. It was also incredibly tough coming to the realization that it would be only natural that this woman would eventually take my place if it all works out between them.  So I was honest and shared all these feelings with her but tried to be supportive and listen to her absolute obsession with this woman. 

And you know what? its hard to do that. Very hard. Made me have a lot of appreciation for my husband. And being absolutely supportive of my relationship with @treelover123

But in the final analysis you can’t forbid people from following their heart, you can’t limit their experiences or tell them what to do. If she ends up chosing to pursue this thing and it ends up being the end of us, there is nothing I can do to stop that.

i wish she would find someone to fill what she is still missing who would love her enough to want to fit into her life rather than uproot it. But that may be impossible?!

So, I will just enjoy what we have had for the past 2 years and have for now, which is pretty incredible and be there as both friend and lover to help her work it out. 

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3 minutes ago, Ona said:

As the long distance girlfriend in the above scenario I feel like I should put in my side of this.

I love @treelover123 very much. We are both each other’s first experiences with a woman. We are huge parts of each other’s daily life. Although we live continents apart. And when we are together, it’s fireworks!! I would be absolutely devastated if we stopped our daily routine, but I want her to be happy above all. And if this woman can give her all she needs, how can I possibly claim to love her and not let her have what she wants and craves? I am in a different situation in that I have plenty of sex with hubby and in that I would be totally fine without sex even if that wasn’t the case. 

So that’s where I was coming from telling her that I would be fine with it. It wasn’t because I don’t care or this is some kind of casual thing to me. This is the most important relationship I have ever had in my life. Period. It was also incredibly tough coming to the realization that it would be only natural that this woman would eventually take my place if it all works out between them.  So I was honest and shared all these feelings with her but tried to be supportive and listen to her absolute obsession with this woman. 

And you know what? its hard to do that. Very hard. Made me have a lot of appreciation for my husband. And being absolutely supportive of my relationship with @treelover123

But in the final analysis you can’t forbid people from following their heart, you can’t limit their experiences or tell them what to do. If she ends up chosing to pursue this thing and it ends up being the end of us, there is nothing I can do to stop that.

i wish she would find someone to fill what she is still missing who would love her enough to want to fit into her life rather than uproot it. But that may be impossible?!

So, I will just enjoy what we have had for the past 2 years and have for now, which is pretty incredible and be there as both friend and lover to help her work it out. 

You didn't have to do this revelation here @Ona but this was your decision. My hats off to you for being who you are and for your immense love for @treelover123.

For the record, "YOU are the special unicorn in the most special unicorns ever." (to borrow @treelover123 phrase). Again, you have my respect and admiration. 

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9 hours ago, blueberry said:

 

For the record, "YOU are the special unicorn in the most special unicorns ever." (to borrow @treelover123 phrase). 

Exactly that. See? Lightning doesn't strike twice.

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10 hours ago, Ona said:

As the long distance girlfriend in the above scenario I feel like I should put in my side of this.

I love @treelover123 very much. We are both each other’s first experiences with a woman. We are huge parts of each other’s daily life. Although we live continents apart. And when we are together, it’s fireworks!! I would be absolutely devastated if we stopped our daily routine, but I want her to be happy above all. And if this woman can give her all she needs, how can I possibly claim to love her and not let her have what she wants and craves? I am in a different situation in that I have plenty of sex with hubby and in that I would be totally fine without sex even if that wasn’t the case. 

So that’s where I was coming from telling her that I would be fine with it. It wasn’t because I don’t care or this is some kind of casual thing to me. This is the most important relationship I have ever had in my life. Period. It was also incredibly tough coming to the realization that it would be only natural that this woman would eventually take my place if it all works out between them.  So I was honest and shared all these feelings with her but tried to be supportive and listen to her absolute obsession with this woman. 

And you know what? its hard to do that. Very hard. Made me have a lot of appreciation for my husband. And being absolutely supportive of my relationship with @treelover123

But in the final analysis you can’t forbid people from following their heart, you can’t limit their experiences or tell them what to do. If she ends up chosing to pursue this thing and it ends up being the end of us, there is nothing I can do to stop that.

i wish she would find someone to fill what she is still missing who would love her enough to want to fit into her life rather than uproot it. But that may be impossible?!

So, I will just enjoy what we have had for the past 2 years and have for now, which is pretty incredible and be there as both friend and lover to help her work it out. 

Anyone wondering what true love really is, should read this.....When all you want is for that person to be happy and feel complete, even if it means potentially sacrificing your own happiness in the process.

There's nothing selfish about this. Everyone has been clear about what they need. Hurt only comes through dishonesty and miscommunication.

I hope things work out for you @treelover123. It's not easy to navigate, for any of us, and the bond you have with your girlfriend is one of those rare once in a lifetimes that are so precious. Whatever happens, you'll treasure it forever. It's very clear that you respect her feelings in all this and you don't want to lose her, and I can't imagine how hard it must be to be apart, with no where to channel that sexual energy. All I can suggest, with reference to your original post, is that woman #2 is also in an open relationship and dating others (while continuing to be safe, of course) That way she has no tie to you, and should she meet someone she really likes, you part ways. Always risky whatever you decide, but go with your gut. I don't think this is the end of it just yet.

@Ona thanks for giving me a good cry this morning. I admire you so much for saying this and feel it's important for everyone to take note of and practice in their own lives.

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Wow guys, now that I’m all caught up WOW - the hopeless romantic in me wants @treelover123 to forget about that not crazy hot blonde and just run into to arms of @Ona forever (if i’m reading this right).  

The down to earth, understands reality, part of me recognizes how difficult this situation  is and couldn’t imagine not seeing my girl more then 1-2x a year...and couldn’t possibly navigate the longing that comes along with that - despite phone calls, txts and facetime. 

I think you the fact that you guys are so honest and real about the situation and limitations makes you both so much more prepared for a continued conversation.  Universe has a funny way of making things happen as they should....keep talking and sifting through these challenges, i’m rooting for love and happiness for both (whether together or apart).  Jealousy is a hard emotion to navigate, but if you guys can work through it- the right pieces will fall into place in time.

@Ona - I have to tip my hat to you.  we have been following each other’s journeys since  the very beginning of my shy membership and i very much admire you and your outlook on life and your resilience and of course your discretion - damn how we evolved from two years ago!   

@treelover123 - all will fall into place, I commend your desire to make it all fit into place.  I also commend your honesty in expressing your needs, that probably didn’t come easy - my only advice from this point forward is..Go with your gut!

Sending you both positive vibes!

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Woman #2 and I had coffee on Monday, we discussed the decision. We agreed it was for the best, we said our goodbyes. It was a little sad, but ended well.

Then I saw her at the yoga studio on Tuesday, and it was far less weird than I thought it would be, mostly. We were thrown together in a confronting situation by the oblivious instructor, we exchanged short words... But I was ok. Whatever was between this woman and me, was over. I just needed to be clearer about my boundaries on Tuesday evenings. 

Wednesday I met with the instructor and told her some background and told her I want to keep my distance from this woman, she needs to be sensitive to it. 

Then yesterday, w#2 sends me a text saying she has something she needs to discuss with me. I told her I don't think its a good idea. But I agreed to meet her, I thought she might have decided that she can't do Tuesday evenings at the same yoga studio any more or something. So I met her. She told me that she was feeling nervous about what she was about to tell me. That she fully accepts that I might tell her "Fuck you" after she said it.

What did she say? - She is willing to try out my fwb proposal. She made a 180 on the issue.

I smiled, reminded her that we had an earlier conversation where I told her that once my mind is made up about something, I move ahead with no regrets.  

In the nicest way possible, I told her to fuck off.

Where I still thought with some fondness of the interactions I had with her, I am now so over it. The nerve of this woman! She has zero respect for me. 

This is done. The past three weeks were really difficult for me and the people in my life. I mean REALLY fucking difficult. I think I've learnt a lot, at least one of my relationships came out stronger.

In a way I wish that I never had that first coffee with this woman. I will certainly think twice before I even look in the direction of someone I feel attracted to. 

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