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BarbyL

Probably super silly, but I could desperately use some help..or your thoughts..

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OK ladies, I'm new here, 36 yes old and happily married with kids, but I have what's probably a really silly question. Here goes, do any of you ever think that it would be so great to have a really good female friend that you could be very close to, talk to, hang out with, but yet have a mutual attraction and possibly be romantic...intimate even, even with or without sex? I know this sounds crazy but its kinda my ideal scenario lol. Close friendship with attraction that goes to the physical, but with like appreciation and respect for each others life? OK I'm rambling! Help please!!

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I think get what you are saying Barb, though you could maybe elaborate a little further and what you envision by “intimate without sex.”

I am lucky enough to have a very very dear and intimate female friend, and by intimate I mean that I can talk to her about things I just couldn’t possibly talk to anybody else about, share thoughts and ideas with her, and know that she is so dear to me, and I am so dear to her, that it is kind of “anything goes”, like a complete “judgment free” zone, you know? 

Just a slight problem is… that I can talk to her about 99% of what is my mind, but just not that last 1%.  That last 1% being that I have become very sexually attracted to her.  But I am married, so I feel I just cannot act on this feeling…  so then what is the point of telling her?  Though the temptation is soooo overwhelming sometimes.  I am very tempted to share with her the fact that I am attracted to her … but I just cannot be absolutely sure what her reaction would be. 

I suppose I do harbor some vague fantasy notion that we could somehow be…I don’t know, maybe a little intimate, but not all the way… I guess to just put it a little crassly, in the old teenagers in the back seat of the car analogy:  Could we maybe just get to second base?  That would be enought for me, just that little bit of physical intimacy to round out our wonderful emotional intimacy.

Anyway Barb, I just mainly wanted to say your question is not silly at all.  I would like to hear more of what your thoughts are, what your fantasy is, what would be the ideal situation for you that you are wishing for.

Edited by CallistoDidNotWin
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I have a friend that I would consider as someone I'm intimate with but no sex.  We talk pretty explicitly about our sex lives and I consider her my bff.  

So yes!  I believe you can have an intimate relationship with someone else and be platonic.

 

Edited by Active Life
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I totally get you BarbyL. In fact if I ever want a best friend that I could share my intimate thoughts, share my life adventure with, there has to be a spiritual and emotional connection. We cannot choose if they are single or taken when circumstances happen. You could be head over heels in love with a person without sexual activity with them. It’s the electrifying effect when they are near or just a simple glance and gesture that takes our breath away.  Those unguarded moments.

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On 13/10/2018 at 11:27 AM, BarbyL said:

OK ladies, I'm new here, 36 yes old and happily married with kids, but I have what's probably a really silly question. Here goes, do any of you ever think that it would be so great to have a really good female friend that you could be very close to, talk to, hang out with, but yet have a mutual attraction and possibly be romantic...intimate even, even with or without sex? I know this sounds crazy but its kinda my ideal scenario lol. Close friendship with attraction that goes to the physical, but with like appreciation and respect for each others life? OK I'm rambling! Help please!!

Like friends with benefits? That would be perfect <3 

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I think that would be the perfect relationship for many women. I have been in that very situation and it can quickly become very difficult. I had a friend that I was extremely close to, we shared everything about our lives in explicit detail. She was an amazing person. I say was because, despite us both being married, we developed a fierce attraction to one another and it didn't end well. My husband knows I am bisexual and even joked about my friend being my perfect woman and how she and I were more like a married couple than him and I (whilst he has always been very supportive I feel the 'joke' was more out of fear of losing me on his part) We became intimate in a more physical sense and, despite setting boundaries and knowing where we both stood, emotions got involved. I loved her as my best friend who I then became attracted to. Whereas she was IN love with me. She naturally wanted us to have an exclusive relationship and the breakdown of our friendship began there. 

So, I think its tricky to have a close friend that you can become that intimate with, even without sex, if there is a possibility of an attraction on either of your parts. But that is just my one personal experience, perhaps other people could make it work. 

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It does get complicated. Me and my BFF know how one another feels, and it can get quite intense emotionally sometimes; me more so than her. To the point where we need to step back and give each other space. I’m really trying to keep my feelings under control and letting the sexual stuff happen between us. I know, probably not a good idea long-term, but I can’t keep my hands off her lol 

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Wow thanks ladies..I guess I never really looked at it that way..at it getting emotional I mean :/ that would put a damper on my dream for sure

Edited by BarbyL

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Just now, BarbyL said:

Wow thanks ladies..I guess I never really looked at it that way..at it getting emotional I mean :/

 

On 10/13/2018 at 0:05 AM, Active Life said:

I have a friend that I would consider as someone I'm intimate with but no sex.  We talk pretty explicitly about our sex lives and I consider her my bff.  

So yes!  I believe you can have an intimate relationship with someone else and be platonic.

 

Yay..so there is hope for me after all lol

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On 10/12/2018 at 11:39 PM, Samantha267 said:

It’s not a silly question. If you find someone that’s all for it, then that’s not a problem. I think there needs to be boundaries between you and the other woman, the other woman and your husband (if he knows about her) and you and your husband. I think that if boundaries aren’t in place, jealousy might come into play and you don’t want to ruin your friendship or marriage over something that could have been avoided with communication. 

By boundaries, I mean the woman needs to know that you have a life with your husband. She’s not an after thought, but she can’t demand all of your time. And your husband should respect the time you and her have together. 

I don’t think it’s silly to want that. I know a lot of women do. I’m single and wouldn’t mind being in this sort of “relationship” as long as things were talked about, and I wasn’t expected to be with the husband. :)

Girl yes, that's what I'm talking about, defined boundaries and no way would our husbands be involved..intimately..in any way! I just love the idea of that kind of friendship \ relationship with a woman. 

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On 10/15/2018 at 5:35 AM, Pink Sheets said:

I totally get you BarbyL. In fact if I ever want a best friend that I could share my intimate thoughts, share my life adventure with, there has to be a spiritual and emotional connection. We cannot choose if they are single or taken when circumstances happen. You could be head over heels in love with a person without sexual activity with them. It’s the electrifying effect when they are near or just a simple glance and gesture that takes our breath away.  Those unguarded moments.

Exactly, sometimes I think its silly for me to want that so much when I have a great hubby, but the fact is I do and I'd love to have that with someone. You described it beautifully BTW ;)

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On 10/30/2018 at 7:14 AM, Feefee81 said:

Like friends with benefits? That would be perfect <3 

Except more emotional lol

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i don't think it's a silly question. If having a female friend who you can talk to, hang out with and it being romantic and intimate is what you want, then that is cool. There is nothing wrong with being friends with a woman and there being intimacy. 

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What do you ladies think about letting your husband/partner know. I'm in love with my friend but not sure where it will go. Do you discuss with hubby just in case it does become physical or not bother till it's already is. I'm confused. He does know I'm bisexual as I shared that with him several.years ago but never had a possible relationship till now.

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If I were in your position, I wouldn't tell my husband. I would wait and see how it goes with my friend just in case nothing comes of it. However, as soon as something did happen, I would have to tell him straightaway. I don't think I could keep it secret.

Do you think there is any possibility that your husband already knows about your feelings for your friend? Especially as he knows that you are bisexual. If he does know, it would make it easier to talk about it all with him.

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3 hours ago, Blueheaven5 said:

What do you ladies think about letting your husband/partner know. I'm in love with my friend but not sure where it will go. Do you discuss with hubby just in case it does become physical or not bother till it's already is. I'm confused. He does know I'm bisexual as I shared that with him several.years ago but never had a possible relationship till now.

I wouldn't be inclined to share with my husband that I loved my BFF, especially if I didn't know where/if it was going anywhere.  It may cause issues with my marriage when nothing has been confirmed.  He may begin questioning everything I do with her, whether platonic or not.

Edited by Active Life
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5 hours ago, Blueheaven5 said:

What do you ladies think about letting your husband/partner know. I'm in love with my friend but not sure where it will go. Do you discuss with hubby just in case it does become physical or not bother till it's already is. I'm confused. He does know I'm bisexual as I shared that with him several.years ago but never had a possible relationship till now.

I had this same conundrum about 2 years ago. I decided I would tell my friend how I feel first. Because there was no point in telling the husband when it was all up in the air. It turned out she at first seemed cool with my confession, but said she didn’t reciprocate my feelings. but shortly after she started acting strange towards me and when I called her out on it, she basically cut off all communication.

i was devestated and told the husband. It turned out he knew all along. He was the one who comforted me and was super amazing about the whole thing. It was a great time to tell him (he knew I was bisexual in theory before) and I had all kinds of very candid conversations with him then. So when a woman came along who I truly loved and loved me back it was a much simpler conversation.

 

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Sorry I didnt mean to hijacked this post. I'm still learning how to do this. 

 

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2 hours ago, Ona said:

I had this same conundrum about 2 years ago. I decided I would tell my friend how I feel first. Because there was no point in telling the husband when it was all up in the air. It turned out she at first seemed cool with my confession, but said she didn’t reciprocate my feelings. but shortly after she started acting strange towards me and when I called her out on it, she basically cut off all communication.

i was devestated and told the husband. It turned out he knew all along. He was the one who comforted me and was super amazing about the whole thing. It was a great time to tell him (he knew I was bisexual in theory before) and I had all kinds of very candid conversations with him then. So when a woman came along who I truly loved and loved me back it was a much simpler conversation.

 

I read through your old thread today. Poor thing, it was on your mind all the time. I think many of us can relate. I bet she had feelings for you but couldn’t accept it. I hope things are better now. 

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On 05/11/2018 at 1:59 PM, BarbyL said:

Exactly, sometimes I think its silly for me to want that so much when I have a great hubby, but the fact is I do and I'd love to have that with someone. You described it beautifully BTW ;)

There's nothing silly about it.  

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5 hours ago, Ona said:

i was devestated and told the husband. It turned out he knew all along. He was the one who comforted me and was super amazing about the whole thing. It was a great time to tell him (he knew I was bisexual in theory before) and I had all kinds of very candid conversations with him then. So when a woman came along who I truly loved and loved me back it was a much simpler conversation.

What a great guy to help you like that. It must have been a great relief to get it all out in the open and be able to talk to him about all the feelings you were having.

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On 13/10/2018 at 2:27 AM, BarbyL said:

OK ladies, I'm new here, 36 yes old and happily married with kids, but I have what's probably a really silly question. Here goes, do any of you ever think that it would be so great to have a really good female friend that you could be very close to, talk to, hang out with, but yet have a mutual attraction and possibly be romantic...intimate even, even with or without sex? I know this sounds crazy but its kinda my ideal scenario lol. Close friendship with attraction that goes to the physical, but with like appreciation and respect for each others life? OK I'm rambling! Help please!!

Ahhhh.....every bisexual woman's dream! Off course I would love a friendship like that......it's a shame that it's so difficult to find though.

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Wow you described exactly what i am looking for. For i am in the same scenario. 

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Not at all silly. I’ve had/have two friendships such as you’ve described, and I can’t imagine my life without them, to be honest.

The first was during and post college. We did everything together, talked all the time, cuddled, and shared beds without needing to. Her family became my family, and I still consider them so. I was 100% platonically in love with her. That we attended a women’s college probably fostered a friendship like that, and historically have done, although I didn’t know it at the time. Or it might have just been us. I had other friendships there, of course, but none with that intensity. Life and distance cooled things off, but I will never not love her.

My other one spans many years, and is a little different because neither one of us is straight. Our intimacy has included kissing and cuddling, but nothing past that, because over time she also has become like family to me. There is nothing I can’t trust her with.

I probably can’t overstate what these two friends mean to me. I tend to compartmentalize things in my life. This is good and bad. I think it’s why my friendships don’t bleed over into sexual intimacy, but also why the romantic relationships I’ve had with women up to this point don’t bleed over into friendship. 

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