Jump to content
-Jo-

Confessing feelings but being wrong?

Recommended Posts

I was wondering, especially among those of you who are brave, if it's common for you to pursue someone and express your feelings only to find they don't have feelings for you?

The reason I ask is that so many of us have crushes that we never come clean about. If you have a "feeling she (or he) is into you" are you usually right?

I have found I'm usually not wrong if I have a feeling someone likes me, but most of the time I don't admit it.

What are your experiences? Are you usually right or painfully crash and burn? How do you get a feel for it before taking the plunge? Or do you not know and you just flirt to see what happens?

  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

After my experiences and hearing those of others, I subscribe to the rule that if it’s not obvious that the woman is in to me, I lose the attraction. 

I no longer hope, pine, or fantasize about something that might never happen. Believe, I’ve been there and it was torture

I have come across those stories, like on here, of romantic interludes fraught with push-and-pull sexual tension that end up with a payoff of something happening, but in my life, that’s an exception rather than rule. So, because of that, I stay away. 

Edit: I am more brave, now. I hit up a woman I had found attractive and she tactfully- and kindly- kept us in the friend zone. That experience has allowed me to no longer guess or wonder. I can deal with rejection better and it isn’t that big of a deal, after all. 

Edited by caliwoman
  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've been right about detecting and getting vibes since becoming curious. I've had and received a vibe from my work crush for years, but she started to become rude towards me for no reason. Even tho those close to me that know, and say I am building it up in my head, I knowwww there is something there. The spark and vibe is strong and you can literally feel a warmness and electricity when you pass by the person. Plus body language does not lie! I was brave with that one, she was my first girl crush but any other I may be more guarded until I get definite answers lol. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I’ve read a lot of stories on here about how it was totally obvious (even as far as the other woman kissing them) how they felt, but the other woman denied feelings or shut it down/ran away. I think some women who are experiencing it for the first time are too scared to admit how deep their feelings run, which is why many on here are too afraid to admit it to their crush.

In my situation, it’s basically and unspoken thing where we know what we’re doing, but I think we’re too afraid to talk about it. Part of me is so afraid of going forward with it (mostly because I’m afraid of losing this deep friendship), but I’m going to kiss her soon. She leaned in to kiss me a couple months ago and I pulled away from being too chicken. I swear I’m like a 13 year old experiencing love all over again. She said I’m resllf frustrating her so I need to do this before she moves on. 

Edited by Veronica
  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In the past, I've never really had the chance to pursue someone as I've always worked from home and whenever I've gone out, it's usually with family.  However, recently, I have been getting out more on my own with a small business I have which has given me the opportunity to see more people. I've admired women from afar but not enough to even think of approaching them. To be honest, as I'm quite a shy person, I don't think I could do the approaching anyway. And I wouldn't want to because I'm married.

Edited by Brin

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 11/29/2018 at 6:52 AM, -Jo- said:

I was wondering, especially among those of you who are brave, if it's common for you to pursue someone and express your feelings only to find they don't have feelings for you?

The reason I ask is that so many of us have crushes that we never come clean about. If you have a "feeling she (or he) is into you" are you usually right?

I have found I'm usually not wrong if I have a feeling someone likes me, but most of the time I don't admit it.

What are your experiences? Are you usually right or painfully crash and burn? How do you get a feel for it before taking the plunge? Or do you not know and you just flirt to see what happens?

My experience has been that I have NEVER had a crush where I made my feelings known and had them claim they return the feelings. Whether they actually returned them or just couldn’t say it is irrelevant.

This is something that apparently happens to other people but has not been my experience.

and these were not random people I saw and liked and didn’t know. These were usually my closest friends at that time. Friends that I spoke to daily and spent many hours in conversation or doing activities with. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As a teenager I didn't let crushes know as I wasn't even fully "awakened" myself. After that though I did a lot. I'm a huge flirt and far from shy. I can typically tell when someone's feeling me though, I'm also someone who pursues when they see someone they're into. Just the other night actually when I was out at a bar, the bartender was putting out very strong vibes and I knew instantly. Major eye contact, smiling in that coy way, touching of my hands, arms, paying extra attention to me slightly ignoring the other customers "saying who cares about them" while wanting to fill up my already filled up glass. This all happened throughout the nite. Now if that all wasn't telling enough, when I had to leave she shouted out "no don't go!" and was begging me to stay. Been around a lot of bartenders, and the general friendliness is one thing, but this was definitely more. She. teased about taking a photo with my phone so I'd have her in it. Wanted me to ask for her number, but I'm already taken. :wink:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
16 hours ago, Veronica said:

I’m going to kiss her soon. She leaned in to kiss me a couple months ago and I pulled away from being too chicken. I swear I’m like a 13 year old experiencing love all over again. She said I’m resllf frustrating her so I need to do this before she moves on. 

Get it girl! She's feeling you too! Cheering you on from Canada :D

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
18 minutes ago, CuriosiTee said:

Get it girl! She's feeling you too! Cheering you on from Canada :D

Thanks. My friend says I’m missing all the signs. He knows her and sees it. But part of me is scared about rejection and also clueless about what to do because I’ve been married for so long now lol 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Veronica Lol oh girl, you gotta just take the plunge then.! She's wanting you too, and wanting you to make that move finally! Keep us posted!

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 30/11/2018 at 1:09 PM, Veronica said:

I’ve read a lot of stories on here about how it was totally obvious (even as far as the other woman kissing them) how they felt, but the other woman denied feelings or shut it down/ran away. I think some women who are experiencing it for the first time are too scared to admit how deep their feelings run, which is why many on here are too afraid to admit it to their crush.

In my situation, it’s basically and unspoken thing where we know what we’re doing, but I think we’re too afraid to talk about it. Part of me is so afraid of going forward with it (mostly because I’m afraid of losing this deep friendship), but I’m going to kiss her soon. She leaned in to kiss me a couple months ago and I pulled away from being too chicken. I swear I’m like a 13 year old experiencing love all over again. She said I’m resllf frustrating her so I need to do this before she moves on. 

You should go for the kiss and with christmas approaching you can use mistletoe as an excuse ;)

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I’ve not heard the word “crush” used by an adult unless it’s in some inane teen movie. Lol

see below:

https://kidshealth.org/en/kids/crushes.html

for teens. Not a term I can take seriously for adult relationships queer, straight, bi or other.

Does being bi regress one?

Edited by bikiwi

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, bikiwi said:

I’ve not heard the word “crush” used by an adult unless it’s in some inane teen movie. Lol

see below:

https://kidshealth.org/en/kids/crushes.html

for teens. Not a term I can take seriously for adult relationships queer, straight, bi or other.

Does being bi regress one?

It’s pretty commonly used on this site. I think it goes along with many women on here figuring out (or admitting to themselves) that they are attracted to women later on in life. And yeah I guess it does regress you to feeling like a teenager all over again the first time that happens. 

what else would you call it? Obsession? Lusting over? Crush seems pretty accurate to me.

  • Upvote 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Ona said:

It’s pretty commonly used on this site. I think it goes along with many women on here figuring out (or admitting to themselves) that they are attracted to women later on in life. And yeah I guess it does regress you to feeling like a teenager all over again the first time that happens. 

what else would you call it? Obsession? Lusting over? Crush seems pretty accurate to me.

Yes people on here seem to follow a narrative, that doesn’t seem to be displayed by any of the girls I’ve chatted to online.

I just get sent sexy pics sent to me and talk about their experiences.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, bikiwi said:

I’ve not heard the word “crush” used by an adult unless it’s in some inane teen movie. Lol

see below:

https://kidshealth.org/en/kids/crushes.html

for teens. Not a term I can take seriously for adult relationships queer, straight, bi or other.

Does being bi regress one?

lol, I believe a crush is a milder version of limerence.  Limerence is a term coined by Dororthy Tennov which basically means obsessive love, one-sided love, unhealthy attraction, etc.  Crushes are rather sweet in my view.  

I can understand being open and honest with a self-identified heterosexual woman can be scary.  Vibes or not.  I still can’t quite work out if there are gay vibes or straight vibes, to me it boils down to body language, something which is easy to read, and easy to get wrong too.

I will smile and then lower my gaze if I sense any vibes.  That’s because I am interested but am not in a position to take it further.  I’d love a friend to flirt with, to be able to share those ‘vibes’ and both be on the same page with it not going any further.

Of late I’ve only met lesbians who find bisexuals to be dirty disgusting creatures.  I’ve even considered lying and saying I’m a lesbian just to make friends with women who like women.  Of course I would not encourage any kind of relationship beyond this.  Quite sad really, to think I would stoop so low.   I'm wanting to connect with genuine bisexual women who are not interested in having a physical relationship.  Where are you bisexual women?!?  It would be nice to have a real genuine connection with someone.  Rant over, so sorry OP for derailing your thread.  I wish you well when you cross that line with your friend and look forward to hearing how it all goes.  All the best!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, these-broken-wings(TBW) said:

I'm wanting to connect with genuine bisexual women who are not interested in having a physical relationship.  Where are you bisexual women?!? 

This is I think possible if both are on the same page - platonic to each other. I have a close bisexual friend who I have a sisterly connection. We care for each other like sisters do. We are not romantically attracted to each other. Is this what you’re looking for? Or you want a bit of emotional connection (romantic?) with a bisexual woman who is not interested in any physical intimacy or not looking for it?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, blueberry said:

This is I think possible if both are on the same page - platonic to each other. I have a close bisexual friend who I have a sisterly connection. We care for each other like sisters do. We are not romantically attracted to each other. Is this what you’re looking for? Or you want a bit of emotional connection (romantic?) with a bisexual woman who is not interested in any physical intimacy or not looking for it?

Hey thanks for asking.  I know it sounds silly right, wanting to connect with a woman simply because she is bi.  I know you need more in common than that.  I guess I am looking for a soul-sister, and yes, there would need to be some chemistry.  At the same time, both on the same page and in the same boat when it comes to going beyond the chemistry.  A no go zone. Why a no go zone? Well polyamory is not for me.   At the end of the day, I learnt a lot about myself, that being, I can only commit to one person at a time.  It would be nice to have someone who can empathise, and share, this position. 

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think the 'vibes or 'spark we detect is us subconsciously picking up on body language from the other person. I read a book (I can check the title when I get home if anyone is interested) about subconscious and nonverbal communication. Very interesting. Scientists agree that a huge portion of our communication with others is both given and read by the subconscious (could be as much as 99% subconscious). It makes sense that we 'learn' things by observing others but we don't know how we learned it - so we call it 'vibes'.

I would suggest that people who are either available, horny or otherwise interested in you will subconsciously position their body, dilate pupils, and all that without realising it. You might be talking to them about something completely unrelated but your subconscious mind picks up the signals and suddenly you're feeling a little bit excited.

Thoughts?

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ugh. I wrote all of the post above and forgot the actual point I was going to make! Which is this:

I think if you want to give off a vibe, if you want to make the person you're talking to feel that electricity, then I reckon the best way is to talk about something, anything at all, especially if it's innocent. But think confident, think lust, think about how much you want her, what you will do to her. Your body language will flirt for you while you talk about the weather or schedules. And she won't be able to pin anything down because you didn't say or do anything.

Anyway - I'm going to try this.

  • Upvote 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 05/12/2018 at 9:05 AM, -Jo- said:

Anyway - I'm going to try this.

The rest of us will all want field reports on how it goes! :) (good luck)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12/5/2018 at 2:05 AM, -Jo- said:

Ugh. I wrote all of the post above and forgot the actual point I was going to make! Which is this:

I think if you want to give off a vibe, if you want to make the person you're talking to feel that electricity, then I reckon the best way is to talk about something, anything at all, especially if it's innocent. But think confident, think lust, think about how much you want her, what you will do to her. Your body language will flirt for you while you talk about the weather or schedules. And she won't be able to pin anything down because you didn't say or do anything.

Anyway - I'm going to try this.

I have zero bidar/gaydar. I used to joke that a woman would literally have to sit on my face before I "got it". I like what you proposed and will def try it out. Thanks!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Jansen said:

I have zero bidar/gaydar. I used to joke that a woman would literally have to sit on my face before I "got it". I like what you proposed and will def try it out. Thanks!

Good luck! If you find it's working, let us know!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, -Jo- said:

Good luck! If you find it's working, let us know!

You bet I will!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Jansen said:

I have zero bidar/gaydar. I used to joke that a woman would literally have to sit on my face before I "got it". I like what you proposed and will def try it out. Thanks!

@Jansen Haha.  Yeah, that's usually a dead giveaway...

 

@-Jo-; I have a gay friend who is very straight forward.  Within 5 minutes of meeting me, she casually inquired, "Are you gay?"  Honestly, I was taken aback but also loved her moxy.  I had a little laugh to myself.  

We've since become good friends and we recently talked about that first meeting.  She said that she found it's just easier and less confusing to know where someone falls.  She said that when she was younger she wasn't as forward and somewhat shy.  She has since changed her approach because she doesn't care what people think anymore.  I think her honesty is refreshing and quite mature.

Edited by Active Life
  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
21 hours ago, Active Life said:

@-Jo-; I have a gay friend who is very straight forward.  Within 5 minutes of meeting me, she casually inquired, "Are you gay?"

I love it! Why waste time with people who can't handle it? :lol:

I have good gaydar in general, but sometimes it *completely* fails to pick up on signals, as happened to me once in the distant past, resulting in much pain and anguish for all involved.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×