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Confessing feelings but being wrong?

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I am good at detecting if a guy likes a girl and vice versa. I can be pretty forward when it comes to that.  But I'm not good about figuring out same sex attractions. Like I'd be completely clueless if a woman was interested in me. I'd seriously have to have them tell me and let me know. 

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On 05/12/2018 at 8:29 AM, -Jo- said:

I think the 'vibes or 'spark we detect is us subconsciously picking up on body language from the other person. I read a book (I can check the title when I get home if anyone is interested) about subconscious and nonverbal communication. Very interesting. Scientists agree that a huge portion of our communication with others is both given and read by the subconscious (could be as much as 99% subconscious). It makes sense that we 'learn' things by observing others but we don't know how we learned it - so we call it 'vibes'.

I would suggest that people who are either available, horny or otherwise interested in you will subconsciously position their body, dilate pupils, and all that without realising it. You might be talking to them about something completely unrelated but your subconscious mind picks up the signals and suddenly you're feeling a little bit excited.

Thoughts?

I think this is so true. I recently started a new job and (sorry if tmi), I found myself thinking about one of my coworkers when I was having sex with my husband. I hadn’t consciously realised I was attracted to her at all before that. 

Anyway, later I found out she is a lesbian, I’m Bi although I’m not out to her yet. I think as you say I must have been picking up on subconscious signals. I feel like there is an energy between us. 

 

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18 hours ago, dirtyshirt84 said:

I must have been picking up on subconscious signals. I feel like there is an energy between us.

It's such a great feeling!

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On 11/30/2018 at 0:52 AM, -Jo- said:

What are your experiences? Are you usually right or painfully crash and burn? How do you get a feel for it before taking the plunge? Or do you not know and you just flirt to see what happens?

I know I've posted on this thread :)

Reflecting upon this topic, I had an incident yesterday.  I think I was wearing confidence,  idk, I certainly did not care about how I came across visually, yet paid particular attention to my appearance.  You could say I was rocking a new style (felt like I needed a boost and change of look). 

Perhaps the same feeling you get when you walk out of the hairdresser and you realise that this is the time people should bump into you.

Anyway,  I noticed I made a woman blush and idk... fumble?  Winked at me.  Smiled.  Wanted to get to know my name.

But I'm hopeless at picking up the right vibes because I didn't know her and perhaps this is her naturally? 

As much as I'd like to think it was about me, maybe it wasn't. 

 

What I wanted to share was... confidence is sexy regardless of orientation.  People are naturally attracted to confidence, not necessarily the person.  Thus, I have learnt to enjoy the good vibe times without reading too much into it.

 

BTW... the new look was the rockabilly look - short sides, teased top (Pink sometimes sports that look).  Bleached top, darker sides... I'm sure you've all seen it.  Worn it twice like that and got heaps of compliments.  Also wore bright red lippy which I don't often do. So really went rockabilly out... just to change things up. 

Blah... not rocking it today.  

Edited by these-broken-wings(TBW)
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On 22/01/2019 at 0:03 PM, -Jo- said:

It's such a great feeling!

It is! But we are both in relationships so i dont really know what to do with it :-/ 

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Look at you go, @these-broken-wings(TBW), all hot and dripping with sexy confidence !

 You say you want to meet a soul-sister and share this fierce attraction but do nothing physical. 

I could see that working.......for about five minutes. This bi “thing” overtakes our entire minds and bodies and radiates into the air around us, like it or not. It’s more powerful and thrilling and terrifying than our competent reliable little brains know how to handle 

Is it really a good idea to put yourself in front of that level of temptation?

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On 1/25/2019 at 10:28 AM, 63395 said:

 

I could see that working.......for about five minutes.

Lol

Is it a good idea to put myself in front of temptation?  Probably not.  Bit one I want to enjoy all the same :)

I want a woman to play with on a psychological and spiritual level ;) then see what develops 

 

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Oh boy do I have experience in this. 

My best advice is ask early on so you don’t drive yourself crazy trying to read between the lines of everything they’re saying/doing. I mean my friend was laying on the flirting hard for nearly two years and it drove me insane. She denied she felt anything towards me and got very defensive. A very odd response to me casually saying I’m physically attracted to her. Anyway, I’m thinking maybe she is deep inside but is deep in narnia about her sexuality. I mean, we’d touch each other all over each other’s bodies. I feel like I wasted way too much time liking her, but I’m glad I said something so I could move on. 

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On ‎12‎/‎4‎/‎2018 at 8:08 PM, these-broken-wings(TBW) said:

Hey thanks for asking.  I know it sounds silly right, wanting to connect with a woman simply because she is bi.  I know you need more in common than that.  I guess I am looking for a soul-sister, and yes, there would need to be some chemistry.  At the same time, both on the same page and in the same boat when it comes to going beyond the chemistry.  A no go zone. Why a no go zone? Well polyamory is not for me.   At the end of the day, I learnt a lot about myself, that being, I can only commit to one person at a time.  It would be nice to have someone who can empathise, and share, this position. 

I recently came out to a coworker who is bi and it's been so helpful. She's the only one I can talk to (in real life) about it. There's no attraction there (and she has a girlfriend anyway), but just being able to be open and have that support and encouragement has helped me more than she knows. It has made me want to meet other bi women, even if just to share that support. I think it's helpful to have people to share this part of ourselves with.

In terms of having feelings for someone and being wrong, I am not sure. In the past, I either wasn't very aware of my feelings, I liked someone who was taken, or I never got to know them enough to pursue it.

I have a crush on a classmate who I think has feelings for me; sometimes I think I feel the vibes and other times it seems like it's just a friendship. (But when I explain it to my bi coworker she thinks I am picking up on true bi signals.) We both have male partners and she's never mentioned being bi, so I'm wondering if she is and either isn't fully aware/accepting of it or if she can't get involved with anyone else outside her current relationship, or maybe she likes me but not enough to start something. So I am hesitant to say anything and am kind of just seeing how things go. 

Edited by WingedPixie
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58 minutes ago, WingedPixie said:

I think it's helpful to have people to share this part of ourselves with.

Yes indeed! Congrats on coming out to your coworker. 

I'm pleased you've got that support...and I hope things work out with your crush! Exciting times.

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I'm really not sure.

I've only had one case (that I can think of) where I got the vibe and was told I was wrong. In that case, he fooled not just me, but everyone we were hanging out with, too. They all assumed we had something going  on until he said we were just friends. Was I truly wrong, or did he lie about it for whatever reason? 

I have quite a few cases where I was proven right, enough that I tend to trust the feeling when I get it.

But the majority, I have no proof one way or the other. I tend to assume that there's at least some validity to them, which probably makes me trust the "vibe" more than it actually deserves. Maybe it's really all just my overactive imagination. 

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I am usually wrong. I can't tell if women like me, so I tell them how I feel but they never like me back. I am so used to it by now  I don't even bother to ask anymore.

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I keep promising myself I will not confess feelings, however even if I don't, when I fancy someone it is pretty obvious, it's like I can't conceal it. Lol Many times I thought all the signs were there and convinced myself she felt it too, and many times I got it wrong and the woman in question found herself rejecting me and doing what she could to remind us both that she was heterosexual. Those experiences have ranged from caring and gentle rejections, to heartless and humiliating ones, and to mind games where my feelings were exploited. 

Still there have been other times, where I was not wrong and opportunities would have been missed had my friend not known my feelings for her. 

For me, if I have feelings they know. If they choose to act on those feelings or ignore them is their choice. I am basically saying "If you want to make a move, you have a green light, I wont reject you, however you are safe, if you don't want to make a move, I wont make one either and I will respect your boundaries."

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18 hours ago, KittiKat said:

I keep promising myself I will not confess feelings, however even if I don't, when I fancy someone it is pretty obvious, it's like I can't conceal it. Lol Many times I thought all the signs were there and convinced myself she felt it too, and many times I got it wrong and the woman in question found herself rejecting me and doing what she could to remind us both that she was heterosexual. 

What are some of the signs?

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Signs I have misread include - lots of excited contact, telling me they miss me after a few days or can't wait to see me. (because they are excited about our friendship) Complimenting me lots (because they admire my style or whatever) being quite physically demonstrative, like lots of hugging and touching (because they are affectionate people) Laughing at all my jokes (because I am funny! haha) Asking about my sexuality quite a bit (because they are curious about it) and saying I love you more than most friends. All of these things though, were not the signs I chose to hope that they were, it was just signs of the wonderful affectionate loving heterosexual friends I have who don't feel the need to treat me differently to anyone else.

Signs that have messed with my mind because they seem abnormal included persistently wearing see through items around me, or wearing barely anything at all, making little jokes about how if I were a man or if they were we'd totally get it on, asking for massages, suggesting we get drunk and play spin the bottle together. Pretending to kiss me in photo's, hinting around inviting me to threesomes with them and their male partner, laying naked in bed with me and telling me it was ok to look at them, asking if I was turned on by them or found them attractive. Sitting too close, changing clothes infront of me and asking me to reassure them they were sexy, asking me to buy them lingerie or go lingerie shopping with them for "a valid opinion" .... All of these things messed with me and I allowed myself to think the ladies in question were tempted. In reality they just liked my attention. To be fair I guess I liked giving it to them too. 

Signs I have not misread - Someone asking me for a "playdate" (no kids) telling me all about how they got with a girl once before when they were younger, offering to have a threesome with us for my husbands birthday! Lol Play wrestling, telling me to kiss her, and confessing that she has developed feelings. Short of that, there really isn't any guarantees. And even if you are right, it doesn't always make it any less complicated or scary, each thing, fantasy vs reality has it's pro's and con's! Lol 

Why, what signs were you hoping to decipher? :)

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Posted (edited)
16 hours ago, KittiKat said:

Signs I have misread include - lots of excited contact, telling me they miss me after a few days or can't wait to see me. (because they are excited about our friendship) Complimenting me lots (because they admire my style or whatever) being quite physically demonstrative, like lots of hugging and touching (because they are affectionate people) Laughing at all my jokes (because I am funny! haha) Asking about my sexuality quite a bit (because they are curious about it) and saying I love you more than most friends. All of these things though, were not the signs I chose to hope that they were, it was just signs of the wonderful affectionate loving heterosexual friends I have who don't feel the need to treat me differently to anyone else. 

I agree with you here. These all seen pretty normal friendly behavior. 

16 hours ago, KittiKat said:

Signs that have messed with my mind because they seem abnormal included persistently wearing see through items around me, or wearing barely anything at all, making little jokes about how if I were a man or if they were we'd totally get it on, asking for massages, suggesting we get drunk and play spin the bottle together. Pretending to kiss me in photo's, hinting around inviting me to threesomes with them and their male partner, laying naked in bed with me and telling me it was ok to look at them, asking if I was turned on by them or found them attractive. Sitting too close, changing clothes infront of me and asking me to reassure them they were sexy, asking me to buy them lingerie or go lingerie shopping with them for "a valid opinion" .... All of these things messed with me and I allowed myself to think the ladies in question were tempted. In reality they just liked my attention. To be fair I guess I liked giving it to them too.

This is more than one person?  Honestly, they sound like they're deep in the closet or at the very least, bi-curious.  Specifically the bolded things. Who lies in bed with their friends while naked and asks if she is turned on?  

 

16 hours ago, KittiKat said:

Why, what signs were you hoping to decipher? :)

Well, I wanted to know how obvious the signs were and I think you were right to assume the ladies who did the things in bold were interested.  It's possible they just enjoyed flirting, but those things take it to another level. 

Edited by Active Life

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Yes, I have some wonderful platonic friends who are friendly and demonstrative people and I love them for it, however when we have feelings that sometimes run a little deeper, it can cause us to see these things as something that they aren't, and I appreciate that these women were able to let me down with tact and grace and continue being there for me as friends. 

The women in the middle category, and yes there was more than one, (If you like giving attention it stands to reason you will be drawn to people who like receiving it, and vice versa) were women I still believe I had relationships with on some level. More than friends, less than lovers.... FRelationships or situationships..... At least one of them will now admit, many years later that while we are indeed friends, we are not "just friends," we are more than that somehow and will always be, but we will never be all that I had once hoped we could be either. The others, they enjoyed the fantasy and the flirtation and the attention. I think it made them feel powerful, and they really enjoyed teasing me and turning me on and then not following through. How they identify doesn't matter, at the end of the day they said I got it wrong, that they were not interested and I had to accept that. 

For me, the best ways to find out is to ask, because I used to spend too much time "wondering"and living fantasy unspoken relationships. I was too far invested by the time I said anything, so the rejections were painful and at times cost me friendships I did value. Failing that I don't ask how they feel. I tell them how I do, and whatever they say and do, or do NOT say and do, says it all! 

I didn't write this, but I can relate to it. There are certain types of not so straight women that exist, and if you are looking for them, you'll somehow know when you find them.... but it's a game nobody wins in the end. 

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/apr/20/staceyann-chin-straight-women-thrill-me

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On 4/9/2019 at 5:57 AM, KittiKat said:

Yes, I have some wonderful platonic friends who are friendly and demonstrative people and I love them for it, however when we have feelings that sometimes run a little deeper, it can cause us to see these things as something that they aren't, and I appreciate that these women were able to let me down with tact and grace and continue being there for me as friends. 

The women in the middle category, and yes there was more than one, (If you like giving attention it stands to reason you will be drawn to people who like receiving it, and vice versa) were women I still believe I had relationships with on some level. More than friends, less than lovers.... FRelationships or situationships..... At least one of them will now admit, many years later that while we are indeed friends, we are not "just friends," we are more than that somehow and will always be, but we will never be all that I had once hoped we could be either. The others, they enjoyed the fantasy and the flirtation and the attention. I think it made them feel powerful, and they really enjoyed teasing me and turning me on and then not following through. How they identify doesn't matter, at the end of the day they said I got it wrong, that they were not interested and I had to accept that. 

For me, the best ways to find out is to ask, because I used to spend too much time "wondering"and living fantasy unspoken relationships. I was too far invested by the time I said anything, so the rejections were painful and at times cost me friendships I did value. Failing that I don't ask how they feel. I tell them how I do, and whatever they say and do, or do NOT say and do, says it all! 

I didn't write this, but I can relate to it. There are certain types of not so straight women that exist, and if you are looking for them, you'll somehow know when you find them.... but it's a game nobody wins in the end. 

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/apr/20/staceyann-chin-straight-women-thrill-me

This is really interesting. The women in the first category are good people. I had a similar experience with someone who falls into the second category unfortunately. (Which seems a very common experience for Bi/Gay women??) As you say, more than a friendship, less than a proper relationship. We were both in relationships and worked together, so we spent a lot of time together. I think there was a mutual attraction there, but she never intended to do anything about it. Our relationship definitely crossed boundaries though. 

Thats interesring that you say if you like giving attention you will draw people who like receiving it. I never thought of myself like that before, but I must like giving it. I think she definitely enjoyed the power and in some ways the control it gave her.

I also spent too much time wondering, over analysing and living a fantasy unspoken relationship. If I were ever in a similar situation again, I would definitely cut to the chase. A persons reaction will probably tell you everything you need to know about what kind of person they really are. 

 

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@dirtyshirt84 Yes, I do enjoy giving attention and you probably do too. Give to receive perhaps? I am glad someone else can relate to these almost relationships! I guess it stands to reason, if they liked the power and control (a more dominant position) that perhaps we enjoyed the lack of control, the vulnerability, and the exposing submission of sorts that comes along with these sorts of almost relationships? An exquisite form of gentle torture? One that we can both acknowledge though, is unhealthy and indeed painfully torturous, particularly when all the cards are played, moves are made and the game is over. Engaging in these relationships, I believe is a subtle yet addictive form of self harm. (well for me anyway, as this was a pattern not a once off, hopefully it's not the same for you!) <3 xx

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11 hours ago, KittiKat said:

@dirtyshirt84 Yes, I do enjoy giving attention and you probably do too. Give to receive perhaps? I am glad someone else can relate to these almost relationships! I guess it stands to reason, if they liked the power and control (a more dominant position) that perhaps we enjoyed the lack of control, the vulnerability, and the exposing submission of sorts that comes along with these sorts of almost relationships? An exquisite form of gentle torture? One that we can both acknowledge though, is unhealthy and indeed painfully torturous, particularly when all the cards are played, moves are made and the game is over. Engaging in these relationships, I believe is a subtle yet addictive form of self harm. (well for me anyway, as this was a pattern not a once off, hopefully it's not the same for you!) <3 xx

This woman was a bit of a control freak, she would say that herself. She’s still in my life but we no longer work together and she’s doesn’t have the same hold over me anymore. 

Realising I was attracted to her initially hit me like a ton of bricks and set off the process of me properly accepting my sexuality (even though I’d had a gf when I was much younger). So the two things were very connected. 

It was for a long time definitely a form of torture! But a pleasurable sort of torture? Although I think I knew after a while nothing good would ever come of it. She is a bit of an ego maniac and enjoyed the attention so much. I often suspected I wasn’t the only person she had this type of relationship with. 

Hopefully it was a one off, I think I’d be wary of getting close to someone with the same type of personality again. I think because I’m in a relationship with a man but so miss being with a woman it might make me vulnerable to this type of thing? 

 

 

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@dirtyshirt84 I'm really glad this has helped you accept your sexuality then. You're probably right that she had these types of relationships with other people too. I can relate to what you say about being in a relationship with a man. I am also married to a man with school-aged kids, so these relationships are safe ways for me to express and play with my sexuality within the constraints of my marriage. x

 

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Posted (edited)
14 hours ago, KittiKat said:

@dirtyshirt84 I'm really glad this has helped you accept your sexuality then. You're probably right that she had these types of relationships with other people too. I can relate to what you say about being in a relationship with a man. I am also married to a man with school-aged kids, so these relationships are safe ways for me to express and play with my sexuality within the constraints of my marriage. x

 

Yes, I feel like the same - it’s a safe way to  express my sexuality (although frustrating sometimes). Have you ever been with a woman, if you don’t mind me asking? Are you quite open about your sexuality? I’m out to a few people but would like to me more open about it. I also have a kid so I feel ya! 

Edited by dirtyshirt84

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Posted (edited)

@dirtyshirt84 Yes, I have been with women. I experimented with a girl in high school, then actually came out as a lesbian and had a 7-year live-in relationship with a woman I am lucky enough to still call a close friend to this day. I only "discovered" men later in life, mid 20's and started experimenting with them then. I was actually seeing a man and a woman at one time (separately, they knew of each other but did not know one another) and that was a happy time. Then I fell pregnant with my son and both those entanglements ended. I met my husband and thought I had put my lesbianism to rest. I was, of course, wrong, and after around 5 years came to the realization that I could not ignore this any longer. It was my liaison with one of the women listed above that awoke these desires again, and after much talking and negotiation with my husband, we agreed to share a girlfriend. (Not ideal, but a compromise for us both.) We have had 3 relationships so far, only 2 were significant. One lasted 6 months and the other a year, but neither situation was ideal. I believe in the concept, we continue to look and I hope one day we will find the right person for us to work as a triad. 
I am not in the closet, most people who know me know I am not straight. That said, I don't shout it from the rooftops either. (Although I do flirt with most women! It wouldn't be hard to guess! Lol)  I can't be close to people who don't know, however, for example, my parents don't know we take on girlfriends! I don't think they would be surprised though, honestly! Lol And if we met someone we were serious enough about, I would tell people. 
I write an anonymous friendship blog in which I am very open about my sexuality, as I believe it does impact my friendships. It's anonymous because I don't want people looking me up, seeing me online looking for a girlfriend with my hubby and questioning me about it. Not because it is private but because it is not what I am trying to talk about. I am considering a new blog called playing with poly for talking about this issue particularly. That will also be anonymous because I wish to keep the 2 subjects separate. But again most people who know me know it is my writing! I feel like I did things backward. Most people come out as bi, then gay. I did gay first then confused people. But I still feel more "Homoflexible" and homoromantic, terms this site has helped me learn! :) 

PS I don't hide this from my kids. They know my ex-girlfriend and know we used to live together as more than friends. They have seen me kissing and holding hands with the girlfriends we have had. I mean I don't throw it in their face, they don't see anything they should not see, but I talk to them about girls being with girls and boys being with boys and that it's all ok. My son seems pretty straight at this stage, but I am almost certain my daughter isn't. Time will tell, but I think being open with them will help them be more open with themselves and others and show them to live their lives their way and there is more than one way to have a relationship. 

Edited by KittiKat
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Wow, that’s so interesting! That’s cool that you are able to be open about your sexuality and poly relationships. 

I kind of also did things backwards in that I had a gf when I was at University (my first serious relationship) and then I went in to have relationships with men. When I had a gf everyone assumed I was a lesbian and now I’m with a man everyone assumes I’m straight. Unless I correct them of course... 

How did you find the women you became involved with? I would open to trying this type of arrangement with my husband but have no idea how to go about it and if it would work. 

Have you ever read professor marsden and the Wonder Woman? It’s about the creator of Wonder Woman and the poly relationship he had with 2 woman (who went on to have a relationship with each other long after he died). It’s really interesting. 

I also hope to be more open with my kid when he’s older. Just now I make a point of emphasising that it’s normal to have 2 Mums or 2 dads just as much as one mum and one dad. 

Realise we have kinda hijacked this thread...haha :) 

 

 

 

 

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