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How 'out' are you? (do friends/ family/ co-workers know?)

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How 'out' are you about being bisexual?

I see some people saying they've told husbands, and others haven't. I have a long-term boyfriend, and he knows.

But what about other people in your life? I find that it doesn't often come up in conversation so I don't bother bringing it up. Because I have a boyfriend I think people assume I'm straight. Some friends have mentioned that they are bisexual in connection to other conversations but I never felt the need to butt in with: "Oh, me too!". I don't hide it either. Sometimes it comes up, so some very random people know, such as some work colleagues and certain friends.

My feeling about being bisexual is not that I'm embarrassed about my sexual orientation, but it feels a little bit like talking to people about who I am attracted to or what I like to do in bed. It's not any of their concern, so it doesn't get talked about. If I had a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend there would be some surprised people, I'm sure!

How is it for you? Are you out to some people or some groups but not to others? Are there some you would never tell or do you feel it's an important part of your identity so people need to know?

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I haven't told anybody at all about me. Not husband, family or friends. That is why it's so good to be able to come on here and let it all out!

On 07/12/2018 at 9:49 AM, -Jo- said:

Because I have a boyfriend I think people assume I'm straight.

Insert husband for boyfriend and that is what I think too. But, I'm definitely not straight. I would love everything to be out in the open and to not hide this part of me away. However, I'm not going to tell anyone for a while. Simple reason is that I don't want to cause any upset or upheaval for my youngest daughter at the moment. She has exams coming up next year and that is more important.

Edited by Brin

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My husband knows, and has from the start.

I'm out to some friends and co-workers, and one cousin. I guess I'd say I'm quietly out to pretty much everyone else. I've got rainbow stuff in my cubicle at work because I wanted to be visibly a safe person to other LGBT people at work. My facebook profile says I'm interested in men and women, and I post LGBT stuff there occasionally. 

But really, I think people see married with kids and don't look past that.

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When I identified as bi, I was pretty out, even at work.  I was pretty open about being in a triad when my ex and I were in one.

I’m totally out as gay.  

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My family does not know at all. Only a couple of friends know but that is because they are bi too. Other than that, I do not have any plans on being "out" to my family or other friends, even my fiance! I do not like being open about my love life in general so this is no different. I do not feel the need to make an announcement about it. I live in a religious area...deep south so yeah..that is NEVER going to happen and so is my family. However, it does not bother me to be silent about it as the women that I have met pretty much in my boat feel the same way. 

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52 minutes ago, BiTriMama said:

When I identified as bi, I was pretty out, even at work.  I was pretty open about being in a triad when my ex and I were in one.

I'm much less out about being poly. I'm a pretty private person in real life, and have no interest in dealing with the questions.

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No one in my family knows I am bi.

I have told online bi women I am, though.

Today I am meet a bi girl for coffee. I told her I was bi and she said she is too and looking for females like her to be friends with.

I have also told a very close male friend that I am bi.

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11 hours ago, -Jo- said:

How 'out' are you about being bisexual?

I see some people saying they've told husbands, and others haven't. I have a long-term boyfriend, and he knows.

But what about other people in your life? I find that it doesn't often come up in conversation so I don't bother bringing it up. Because I have a boyfriend I think people assume I'm straight. Some friends have mentioned that they are bisexual in connection to other conversations but I never felt the need to butt in with: "Oh, me too!". I don't hide it either. Sometimes it comes up, so some very random people know, such as some work colleagues and certain friends.

My feeling about being bisexual is not that I'm embarrassed about my sexual orientation, but it feels a little bit like talking to people about who I am attracted to or what I like to do in bed. It's not any of their concern, so it doesn't get talked about. If I had a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend there would be some surprised people, I'm sure!

How is it for you? Are you out to some people or some groups but not to others? Are there some you would never tell or do you feel it's an important part of your identity so people need to know?

I could have written this!

The only time I've disclosed is when people start bagging gay/bi men and women and then I will say "well I'm bi".  This normally shuts them up due to the connection we have, as in, rapport, them knowing my work ethics, family life (but not sexual preference).  I do it to help them break stereotyping people.  I do it to broaden their view.  Otherwise I keep it to myself.

 

How out am I?  Close friends and family know, and those I want to help to broaden their worldview on the matter, or welcome questions by them.  Often they don't ask questions and simply show acceptance.

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18 hours ago, these-broken-wings(TBW) said:

The only time I've disclosed is when people start bagging gay/bi men and women and then I will say "well I'm bi".  This normally shuts them up due to the connection we have, as in, rapport, them knowing my work ethics, family life (but not sexual preference).  I do it to help them break stereotyping people.  I do it to broaden their view.  Otherwise I keep it to myself.

@these-broken-wings(TBW) this is awesome! Well done.

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My partner knows and will even point out women he thinks are my type (he's almost always right!) A few bi friends know, but most friends don't and my family doesn't (though I don't think a single one of them would care one way or the other). I'm a somewhat private person and because so far I haven't actually done anything with a woman, I haven't felt the need to talk about it. But I've been opening up a little more lately.

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Im out to a few people, but for right now im not telling my mom- she is recovering from heart surgery and it would make things stressful right now, and we don't need that..

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My ex-husband was the first one I told and have since come out to more people. My fiancée knows, my mom and a few other family members know but I don't announce it to most of my family as they aren't really in my life so no need for them to know. Some select friends and co-workers know as well as it had come up in every day chit chat with them. I don't hide it at all, but like some others, don't really talk about it with a lot of people. However, I would have no issues telling people that I am bi. 

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When I was married and also considered myself bisexual, I was only out to my ex-hubby. There really wasn't a way to segue that into a general conversation unless you're talking about sexuality. 

"What's your favorite food?"
"Women. On the side. Because I"m married."

LOL. Now that I've transitioned to being gay, obviously, I don't run into that problem. And I only bring up my sexuality when someone assumes I'm straight. Which is most of the time.

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42 minutes ago, caliwoman said:

There really wasn't a way to segue that into a general conversation unless you're talking about sexuality. 

"What's your favorite food?"
"Women. On the side. Because I"m married."

Exactly. If it doesn't come up naturally in conversation then why would I bring it up?

I've been wondering recently, what with 'vibes' and with me not being married - might people assume I'm not straight (assuming they don't know about my boyfriend)? That would be pretty cool.

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I've been out for 28 years. For the last 20 or so, I've just let people assume whatever. Bisexuals often have to come out over and over and over. There definitely came a time in my life where I was just fatigued with coming out. Since then, my attitude has been, "you figure it out," except for a few family members and business clients. These are the people I wouldn't even discuss my relationship with my husband. For the most part, I'm just relaxed about being out. I found my comfort zone, where I can live long term.

I am less out about being poly. Western culture has further to go before I can be as out with that. Plus, I don't have a gf right now, and haven't for awhile. When I have a long term poly partner, I expect that to change.

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I told my best friend first so she kinda eased me through that first initial 'holy shit' panic right after all the puzzle pieces fell together. After that it was my sister, followed by my mom (mom had a little bit of a rough time with it, she didn't understand but she's doing better now that she's had time to digest) then my two brothers and my sister in law (after my confession my one brother made a nicely crude joke, a sure sign in my family that he's cool with).  Oddly enough I ended coming out to the one coworker I have who's my age, she was fine like I figured she would, she's a nice person. I don't think I'll ever come out at work if I can help it. I don't need that kind of attention because my coworkers are just not capable of being cool with something like that.

But then there's dad...I haven't actually told him because while my dad is not super-homophobic, there is a lovely generational tang of it that I think could grow if I just blurt out my lady loving tendencies. But after a conversation I had the other day, I'm starting to wonder if he knows something is up. 

I had gone out after work with a new friend of mine and when my dad heard about it he started asking 'ohhh, and whose [insert my female friend's name here]? what does she do?' Now...to an outsider, this wouldn't seem odd but you see, my dad has this weird dad teasing voice that is almost exclusively for when he's asking his children about potential date material. It's very distinct and we all know it when we here it. So the use of this voice was odd but I figured, maybe I was mis-reading the situation but then

Dad: So is she single?

*cue record scratch noise and internal panic*

Me (internally): WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!? Somebody talked!! AAAAHHH!

Related image

Me (externally): Uh...she has a boyfriend. Why would it matter if she was single?

Dad: Well, I just wanted know...*dissolves into random dad mumbling that I couldn't interpret*

...

So yeah...it's entirely possible my dad has put the pieces together but like hell am I going to bring it up any time soon.

 

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@clever-username Ooo, as I was reading, I thought the same as your internal voice, someone spilled the beans to her father about being into women. :lol:

Your dad sounds like a fun guy. 

Edited by Active Life

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1 hour ago, clever-username said:

... he started asking 'ohhh, and whose [insert my female friend's name here]? what does she do?'

...

Dad: So is she single?

This had me laughing out loud. He knows and he's teasing you!

What a good dad!

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1 hour ago, -Jo- said:

This had me laughing out loud. He knows and he's teasing you!

What a good dad!

I would *love* if that were true because honestly, if my dad didn't care, I'd definitely try to date more women (even though the lady loving ladies pickings are a bit slim where I live) because I can see myself ultimately settling down with a woman. But...I just don't know. 

I've been trying to retrain his brain on the track of 'hey, some people are gay, bi, etc and that's okay' thing over the years and it seems to be working but sometimes he backslides. It's those backsliding moments that keep me from saying anything. 

1 hour ago, Active Life said:

@clever-username Ooo, as I was reading, I thought the same as your internal voice, someone spilled the beans to her father about being into women. :lol:

Your dad sounds like a fun guy. 

I was telling my mom and sister in law about it and they both got the same "oh shit" look on her face when I go to that part. I even asked mom if she'd said something to him but she said no and that he hadn't mentioned anything. My sister in law agrees that it was a distinctly strange thing for him to have asked and she's the most impartial third party we have. The only thing I can think of is either he:

a) put the pieces together on his own [such as my deliberate use of 'they' when talking about my future partners, my stellar dating record of 2 guys who only lasted for about a month each, and my lack of interest in the guys he's always setting me up with] or 

b) he was talking to his friend whose daughter is a lesbian (and whose wedding my dad went to) and his friend was like 'uh, have you considered the possibility your daughter isn't straight'

c) maybe a combination of the two

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My husband, my brother, and some friends know. The subject has never come up at work. My parents don’t know. I doubt they’d care, but I didn’t tell them as a teenager or while I was in my early twenties, so at this point saying something would only confuse them. I have no issue with anyone being aware of it, though. I doubt anyone would think anything of it.

 

As someone who’s recently started down the road of being poly, I’m way more secretive about that.

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My husband knows and a coworker who is more of a friend. I was very close to telling another friend who I thought would be fine with it, but recently he randomly blurted out that one of his male friends came out as bi and continued to say complete rubbish like "bi people are just greedy" and other complete nonsense. Now I've slowly crawled back into my shell and it feels total shit. However, it's made me realize that I don't particularly like who this person is and have kept my distance since.

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1 hour ago, Karalea said:

My husband knows and a coworker who is more of a friend. I was very close to telling another friend who I thought would be fine with it, but recently he randomly blurted out that one of his male friends came out as bi and continued to say complete rubbish like "bi people are just greedy" and other complete nonsense. Now I've slowly crawled back into my shell and it feels total shit. However, it's made me realize that I don't particularly like who this person is and have kept my distance since.

Argh, I've heard that "bi people are greedy" from a few people as well. I don't think it's possible to totally change their mind but I try to nudge them in the right direction, for example by suggesting some people of every orientation are greedy, and some are good, honest people loyal to one partner. Others are polyamorous by agreement. That is their choice. Then I usually mention that I'm bi and have several good bi friends (locally and online) so I do know what I'm talking about.

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i hate that stereotype that bi people are  greedy. Greedy because they are honest about their feelings? And straight/gay people are not

in my case my brother and his gf know about me. My dad suspects it. If i came out as bi they would be like "Thats great. Why don't you choose to be with a guy or try with a guy." My answer would be because ive not found a guy to have sex with. When i do i will discuss with my gf and she knows im bi and supportive of me exploring. I have found bi guys i initially liked but they were too insecure about my gf. They couldnt accept that i met her first and so she is my primary relationship but i would see them as important as well. They wanted me to move to their countries but my gf is moving to Australia for me. 

 Ive not been with a guy but i have a gf. 

So i guess i am partly out as being same sex attracted without a label. 

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Rani, I am so impressed with how brave you are and how you stand up for who you are despite very difficult cultural norms.

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3 hours ago, -Jo- said:

Rani, I am so impressed with how brave you are and how you stand up for who you are despite very difficult cultural norms.

Thanks. I try. If more people had come out from my background maybe it would have been easier. Its a bit hard when both our backgrounds are so conservative and resistant to change. 

 

I told my dad i might have kids the non natural way and he suggested me and a gay male friend team up to have one child each. 

My gf's family is Muslim. Her brother thinks brokeback mountain is a wonderful love story but is not supportive of same sex relations.

Ive told my dad that caucasians are more open minded. At times i wish i was part of a caucasian family. Life might have been a bit easier for me..

I try to challenge homophobic stereotypes out there. If people are homophobic/biphobic despite being a minority then i cant give them sympathy for racism/religious discrimination. My gf agrees. 

Just the way i feel. For me my attraction to females is greater than connection to race and religion

Edited by Rani
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