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Veronica

Do you consider sleeping with a woman cheating?

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Do you think it’s still cheating or “different” if you have sex with a woman while married vs a man? Just trying to see how other bi women feel about this. 

I’m personally conflicted about this— I think it’s more forgivable if you never have and feel the need to experiment and find yourself; otherwise it’s a bigger betrayal. My special friend says it’s different and not the same when you’re with a woman because it’s more emotional. Or maybe she’s just trying to justify it, I’m not sure. What do you think? 

Edited by Veronica

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In my opinion it's cheating. Maybe it's because of the way I personally feel about men and women. Maybe not the same for everyone. In the case of a man or woman I need an emotional connection before I can enjoy intimacy. I feel that if I give of myself emotionally to a woman then what I have left for my man is diminished.

I think there is justification for it, though. Call me a terrible person if you like (I do feel guilty about thinking this) but I can think of two reasons to do it:

- When you have been in a relationship for a long time and know it's not right then it's difficult to break away. An emotional bond to a different person can help with this. I think we often seek this.

- If you need to learn something about yourself as a person. This is not just about being bi - there is a whole level of complexity. I've been reading a fair bit about this recently and reflecting on it. It's complicated and I might start a separate thread about it one day.

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IMO, cheating is breaking the established boundaries of the relationship in question. Those boundaries may be different in every relationship. For some people even looking at someone else or mild flirting is cheating. For others, having a full-on secondary relationship isn't cheating.

In absence of having explicitly established boundaries, I would say that any outside sexual/romantic interaction is cheating, regardless of the gender of the people involved, because that is the default relationship expectation in our society.

I think that saying woman/woman relationships don't count as cheating is a way of delegitimazing or lesser-ing the relationship. I mean, saying that a woman/woman relationship is "more emotional" seems to me to be either saying that the sexual side doesn't count (at least not to the same extent as in a male/female relationship), or that the emotional relationship is actually stronger, which I'd think would make it more threatening, not less.

I think it is very understandable if someone wants to explore their same-sex attraction, but that doesn't make it any less cheating if their partner isn't ok with it. I also think that people and relationships are complicated, and that what is in the best interest of the individual may not always coincide with the other person's boundaries.

Edited by moonbynight
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I don’t think gender is part of it.  If it goes against your agreements with your SO, it’s cheating.

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I agree with the others above that gender should not matter. Unless it is agreed upon by all parties (i.e. boyfriend/husband/other woman and yourself), then it would be considered cheating. 

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16 hours ago, BiTriMama said:

I don’t think gender is part of it.  If it goes against your agreements with your SO, it’s cheating.

I agree. 

When I was married, I didn't see it that way. That's because I wanted what I wanted. Now I feel that if your partner isn't aware of it and it's not something agreed upon, it's cheating. 

Edited by caliwoman
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22 minutes ago, caliwoman said:

I agree. 

When I was married, I didn't see it that way. That's because I wanted what I wanted. Now I feel that if your partner isn't aware of it and it's not something agreed upon, it's cheating. 

EXACTLY.  I think this sometimes skews our perspective.

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She’s told me that what you get from women isn’t what a man a man can offer in a marriage. Does that make more sense? 

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It is cheating. Unless you have an agreement with your partner/husband that it is OK for you to do this, I can't see it as anything else.

A few years ago, a good friend of mine was devastated when she found out her husband had been cheating on her. We called him every name under the sun and then some more. I saw first hand the effect it had on her. So, it would be hypocritical of me now to say any form of cheating is OK.

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I do not get involved with man OR woman if married if the spouse does not give full consent.

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When I was much younger, and just naturally, naively poly, I did not see it as cheating at all. But, with maturity and experience as to the many ways to be poly, I see it differently. It's cheating if the rules are broken, whatever the rules of the individual partner(s) may be. 

Now, some monogamous people have rules that apply to *poly people* saying they are inherently cheaters, or that only monogamy is "not cheating." Interestingly, they are almost exclusively referring to serial monogamy, not true monogamy (only one partner EVER.) When faced with that argument, I will counter with a firm no. My previous  female partners have met very different needs for me than my husband. Not being with them leaves an absence in my life; it does not make me more virtuous. Non-monogamy is not inherently inferior or cheating or a failure. It's *how* it's done, not whether.

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1 minute ago, Tuesday472 said:

When I was much younger, and just naturally, naively poly, I did not see it as cheating at all. But, with maturity and experience as to the many ways to be poly, I see it differently. It's cheating if the rules are broken, whatever the rules of the individual partner(s) may be. 

Now, some monogamous people have rules that apply to *poly people* saying they are inherently cheaters, or that only monogamy is "not cheating." Interestingly, they are almost exclusively referring to serial monogamy, not true monogamy (only one partner EVER.) When faced with that argument, I will counter with a firm no. My previous  female partners have met very different needs for me than my husband. Not being with them leaves an absence in my life; it does not make me more virtuous. Non-monogamy is not inherently inferior or cheating or a failure. It's *how* it's done, not whether.

Whether or not I would agree with the practice, I think consent plays a big factor here. There are ways to excercise poly behavior which are honest with all involved, and are contingent on the consent of all involved. To have intimate relations without the knowledge or consent of all involved is totally different than doing so without knowledge and consent.

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Yeah no her husband doesn’t know she’s bi. 

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@Veronica The ladies here have said what should be said. It is cheating regardless of gender. 

2 hours ago, elliej said:

I do not get involved with man OR woman if married if the spouse does not give full consent.

 I had done this quite effectively in the past until I met this closeted woman with such exquisite personality and irresistible charm. I suppose it's just a matter of putting things in right perspective in my case. 

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How do you define the parameters of cheating?  A thought, flirting, a touch, a kiss, a massage, intercourse?  Where the line is drawn is different for everyone.  There are lots of people who believe lesbians are virgins if they have never had intercourse with a man.  This is where it gets sticky I guess.  On the other hand, I suppose some think that I have cheated because I flirt, have sexual fantasies about others, and I'm very touchy when drunk. 

I can see where people do not consider it cheating when done with a woman.  

  

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If you say that it's NOT cheating, then you're saying that a relationship with another woman is somehow meaningless and doesn't really count. That seems...demeaning.

Now I won't say that I've ever slept with a married woman, but if hypothetically, I ever did, I certainly HOPE she'd consider it cheating, on the grounds that I did thing to her that she's going to think about in the dead of night lying next to her husband and blush. Yes, she cheated on her husband, who never made her feel that way.  And she wants to cheat again.

If she didn't feel that she had cheated after I was done with her...frankly, I'd feel insulted.

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I agree with some of you that as long as your significant other is aware of the situation and there is complete honesty, then I don't see it as cheating. 

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I asked my partner at one point what he would consider cheating. He said kissing a woman would not be cheating, but sex with her would. When we had the conversation again a couple years later, he said that kissing would be cheating too, and that if I ever did anything with a woman he would want to be involved. I don't think that would ever happen--I would want her to myself! He and I need to have this conversation again (as it's become more obvious over the years that I really like women and he's been pretty cool about it) but I'm of the mind that if we discuss it first, are open with each other, and I get the "ok" from him (and he is clear that it's just her and me, lol), then it's not something I would need to feel is unethical.

If he ends up giving me a hard "no", that would be very difficult. I wouldn't want to lose my best friend over a woman I wasn't sure would work out. I don't think I'd hide it from him and lie/cheat, but it would be a crap situation to feel torn like that.

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7 hours ago, Veronica said:

She’s told me that what you get from women isn’t what a man a man can offer in a marriage. Does that make more sense? 

Well, same is true regardless of gender. Each relationship dynamic is different, and when people are going outside of their relationship, it's usually because the other person has something to offer that their partner doesn't.

Is exploring BDSM (for example) with an opposite-sex partner when your current partner isn't interested cheating?

I'm tall. Since childhood, I've had a strong desire to have a partner I can literally look up to - someone who will make me feel small and dainty in comparison. My husband is an inch shorter than me, so that person isn't ever going to be him. If I go out and find a taller guy, am I cheating? After all, he's offering me something my husband can't, no matter how much he might want to or how hard he tries.

How is it any different with a woman?

3 hours ago, Active Life said:

How do you define the parameters of cheating?  A thought, flirting, a touch, a kiss, a massage, intercourse?  Where the line is drawn is different for everyone. 

I think that's where a lot of the problem is. People often don't talk about this stuff in relationships - they just assume everyone is on the same page, then get upset when they aren't. 

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6 hours ago, Veronica said:

Yeah no her husband doesn’t know she’s bi. 

If she wants to do things she can’t tell her husband, then that’s cheating.  I suspect he would sure think it is.

Maybe a woman can’t offer the same things a man can; but on that same note, a woman can offer things a man can’t.  My girlfriend makes me feel so much more complete than my ex-husband EVER did.  Believe me, what she and I have fucking counts.

Imagine if your husband went and fell for a man, slept with him, developed feelings, and didn’t get your consent first.  Would you consider that cheating, or is it somehow less valid because it’s with a guy?  Would you be less affected by it?  Less hurt and angry and broken?

It sounds like she’s trying to justify this in her mind, much like @caliwoman said above.

Edited by BiTriMama
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Would I consider sleeping with women cheating?  Yes and no.

No in terms of hubby's definition.

Yes in terms of mine.  I discovered I prefer monogamy.

Hubby would say I cheated if I slept with the opposite gender.  And I would say the same about hubby.  He's not bi.  Pity for him, I could see him having fun with a man.

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6 hours ago, BiTriMama said:

If she wants to do things she can’t tell her husband, then that’s cheating.  I suspect he would sure think it is.

Maybe a woman can’t offer the same things a man can; but on that same note, a woman can offer things a man can’t.  My girlfriend makes me feel so much more complete than my ex-husband EVER did.  Believe me, what she and I have fucking counts.

Imagine if your husband went and fell for a man, slept with him, developed feelings, and didn’t get your consent first.  Would you consider that cheating, or is it somehow less valid because it’s with a guy?  Would you be less affected by it?  Less hurt and angry and broken?

It sounds like she’s trying to justify this in her mind, much like @caliwoman said above.

If my husband had sex with a man I’d feel bad for him more than anything. That I wasn’t giving him what he needed all these years. So yes, I think it’s far different than if he slept with a woman. 

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On 12/17/2018 at 6:49 AM, Veronica said:

Do you think it’s still cheating or “different” if you have sex with a woman while married vs a man? Just trying to see how other bi women feel about this. 

I’m personally conflicted about this— I think it’s more forgivable if you never have and feel the need to experiment and find yourself; otherwise it’s a bigger betrayal. My special friend says it’s different and not the same when you’re with a woman because it’s more emotional. Or maybe she’s just trying to justify it, I’m not sure. What do you think? 

I think it really depends on what the couple classify as cheating. Is it emotional or physical? Or is it based on something that the other can't provide? The type of love a woman can provide a man in many instances cannot. Many straight women have a loving/affectionate and emotional bond with their close friends. So if 2 bi women have that without the physical intimacy is that cheating when it is not if a straight woman does it? 

I think cheating with a man would be a bigger issue than with a woman. Like you said it would be a bigger betrayal if you don't explore yourself and a husband does not have the emotional or physical body parts that a woman does. So i would agree with your special friend.. 

 

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I still don’t know how I feel about this. My husband has been aware the whole time and is ok with me having a girlfriend. However, I still feel like it’s cheating in a way. But as far as gender, I still feel that it’s cheating regardless. Still having sex with someone other then your spouse. 

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