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Hope ithis is the right place, but I have kept it bottled up

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I moved this post from the talk sex to here


OK, I have been putting is off for a while now. I am a nurse so that is a big part of  reason for my reluctance I guess, it just seems to be embarrassing in a way, even though I know I should not ever feel that way about a medical condition.   PIV sex has always cause me discomfort.  When I was younger I thought it was just my inexperience an it would eventually get better. But as I got older the pain got worse  and worse to the point that I dread having PIV sex with my hubby ( even dildo's are uncomfortable unless they are very  small in diameter. That pain and discomfort after PIV sex now make the thought of it distasteful, I am in pain long after we are finished,sometimes I am brought to tears afterwards, which makes my husband feel terrible and in turn makes me feel bad because he thinks it is his fault.  I feel so awful , not being able to have a full PIV sexual experience with my husband. He is very understanding, but even though he says he is ok and understands,I can't help but feeling he has some resentment .  While I know intellectually it isn't truth and I shouldn't feel that way but I times not being able to enjoy PIV sex  makes me feel less like a woman , I hate it when that thought worms it way into my head.  It is depressing when that thought shows up and it takes weeks to banish it.  I have rarely ever had an "O" with PIV, the total is most likely something I could count on both hands and have a few fingers left over. I have no problem at all "O"ing with Clitoral stimulation. I have tried, different positions, literally dozens of types of lubes, tried  lidocaine cream to numb everything ( helps a little but not enough), alcohol (drinking  a few more than moderate) and even self-hypnosis all to no avail.    I have discussed my  condition with several doctors and have received several opinions , of course very few are in agreement. they ranged from "it's an emotional thing take some Valium" to "surgery and ablation of some nerve endings".  Bottom line is they just don't really know the true cause or a solution. 

AS a result, I satisfy my hubby with oral sex. If judging form his reactions , I have become exception at it. It is kind of strange in a way, Now how I feel about giving my hubby a BJ , like  an adaptation I guess. maybe like how someone afflicted with loosing their sight becomes more adapt at using their hearing and sense of touch to compensate.  I find I have become very aroused by the act of giving my husband oral. it in itself is very sensual and erotic for me to pleasure him in that way.  He too has reciprocated and have honed his oral skills as well. 

 It has not been that big of issue  with my Lady friend, although she has mentioned a few times she might enjoy using a strap-on with me since i have played with one on her before. We have discussed my situation at length and I know she is very understanding, but again I do feel bad at times that I am denying her. 

So, after that long rambling explanation, I guess my reason for posting this is , am I alone,? Does anyone else suffer from this condition? Has anyone found a way to overcome this problem?  Has anyone found they enjoy giving oral sex to their hubby more than PIV? I guess I am just looking for comfort in the form of others who can relate and understand what I am experiencing.    I just want to feel normal.

Edited by brokengirl0407

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My perineum ripped badly after my first child was born and it hurt for years when I had intercourse.  I did do other things to satisfy my husband outside of intercourse.  I also didn't drink alcohol, otherwise I would have knocked a few back to help dull the pain.  Eventually, the pain went away but I'm sure it was frustrating for my dh until then. 

I don't have any advice but want to add that your dh sounds great to not force you to do something that clearly hurts.  

Edited by Active Life
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It is really brave and courageous of you to post about this. As a nurse and  health care professional i know it can be hard to talk about it so it is really good of you to mention it. 

I am not a gynaecologist but i have had a few rotations in gynaecology and just some ideas i want to put out there.  You are definitely not alone. I have known a few patients who had a similar situation. They did not have PIV sex because of pain but maintained a strong relationship. They wanted to have kids but could not have sexual intercourse so they tried IVF.  So it is a very real issue

I know you did mention you had seen doctors about it. What other options did they mention? Have you seen any gynaecologists and what have they said? Have you considered trying the options they suggested and what diagnosis have they given

You shouldnt be made to feel less like a woman. You did mention that you were using oral sex as an alternative. Fingering, clitoral stimulation, use of vibrators is something else your husband and lady friend can use to help with orgasms. 

25% of women orgasm with PIV sex and 75% with clitoral stimulation. Up to 20% of American women experience painful intercourse so you are not alone. Just need to find a cause so a solution can be found

Do lubes and lidocaine cream help much?

I cant say exactly what could be causing it as people more experienced then me have not found a definite cause but I do think if it is something that is affecting you it is worth doing something about.

If it occurs during attempted penetration it could be related to a thickened hymen which may need surgery. It could be a condition called vaginismus which involves involuntary contraction of muscles around vagina. 

There are some vaginismus kits available online which helps with gradually increasing size of dilators, working on behavioural therapy etc .

It can be a couple based activity






I would make sure each of these causes are excluded or managed 


Lack of lubrication and not being sufficiently relaxed are common causes of intercourse pain. But since you have used adequate lubricant it is probably not the cause. 

Do you get the pain with manual stimulation by fingers on your own or is at entry during penetration/deep thrusting? If that is the case doctors may need to investigate for inflammation, cysts etc 

I think since it occurs on entry vaginismus might be one of the things to rule out. Do check the links and forum above. Like was said it could also be nerve damage. Do you get a burning, pins and needle feeling worse when sitting but better when standing . Sometimes an mri scan, nerve studies and nerve block may be suggested 

Apparently botox has a success rate of 80-90% according to this article about another woman who had pain on PIV 



If related to the hymen you could have a simple operation under general anaesthesia for it



DISCLAIMER: I am not  a gynaecologist and would definitely recommend you get an opinion on the above. There may be a solution . It might be worth mentioning it in the vaginismus forum link above. 



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