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Strongbutsassy

To be ‘out’ or not to be ‘out’

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Hi ladies. Just thought I’d share what I’m currently going through and see if anyone else has been in this situation. I’m in a very loving relationship with someone who I’ve been friends with for a long time. We recently realized that we are very much in love. We both feel this is something that we’ve never experienced before with anyone else, male or female. It’s such a deep soulful love. We really want to be together as a full time couple but here is the big challenge. We are both married and our husbands would never accept our relationship. She has been married for almost 25 years and feels that she can’t hurt her husband by leaving him when he treats her very well and is a good person. I’m currently married as well, but I would be willing to leave my very unaffectionate husband (he never wants intimacy with me) to start a new life with her. The even bigger challenge is that her parents and siblings are very religious and do not support same sex relationships at all. She feels they would cut off all contact with her if she came out. She is very very close to them and her parents live very close to her. She has been saying to me that she feels that we will be together someday although she seems to be relying on fate to somehow make that happen. She is not willing to ever disappoint her family and leave her husband. But she very much hopes that we can be a part time couple for the rest of our lives. I love her so very much but the thought of not being full time with her just breaks my heart on a daily basis. I know that I would be utterly miserable without her though. Gosh, what a terrible predicament to be in. I didn’t go looking for this, she is the first woman that I’ve ever wanted and loved. Even on a part time basis she shows me such a depth of love (and I am not just talking about physical love) that I never knew before.

Anyone else have a similar situation and if so, how did you handle it? Some days I get angry because I feel like I will never be important enough to her for her to change her life to be with me. But I definitely understand not wanting to risk losing her family. :(

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It’s a rough situation to be in. I can relate a little bit from your girlfriend’s perspective. I also have a great relationship with my husband and kids. I also am crazy in love with my girlfriend.  One thing that’s helped me put all this in perspective is realize that I am capable of loving more than one person and that I would miss one of these horribly if I had to chose between them. And I would feel as though a big part of me is missing.

thankfully no one is making me choose :)

so the question for you is, can you live with the situation as is and be happy with it? Can you improve your situation with your husband? Or would you be happier if you left him even if she chooses not to leave her family? Or do you think the fact that she wouldn’t leave her husband would eventually drive you to be bitter about the situation?

because if so, you should probably honestly discuss with her about how you feel and your fears for the future. 

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This is the reason I cannot do poly relationships.  My heart just couldn't cope, more so if I fell madly in love.  

But forget my story...  I hope you are able to find a way to be okay with your situation, because it sure can feel like a rollercoaster ride.

There are no easy quick fix answers in this situation.  So I'd suggest journaling your feelings as a way to help release some mental tension.  Or post your frustrations here.

It sounds like you have a beautiful relationship with her.  I wish you well.

Edited by these-broken-wings(TBW)

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Thank you, Ona. I have discussed this with her, she knows that I struggle with this and it makes her feel bad that she can’t be with me full time. She says that she struggles a lot too because she misses me when we’re not together. I have not and will not ask her to choose, I know what her choice would be. I will be honest, I am afraid that at some point I will become bitter and if that happens, then I will have to end it. 

I get along well with my husband but his libido is very low and so we basically live like good friends who are roommates. So if I ever meet someone else who makes me feel like my current girlfriend does, I would probably leave. It’s so selfish I know, but life is so very short and if we don’t try to have the kind of love that we want and deserve, then we are not fully living our own lives. 

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@these-broken-wings(TBW) thank you. I am starting to see how hard the poly life is. I don’t know that my heart can handle it either, this is all new to me but it’s definitely a roller coaster that isn’t fun to ride sometimes. Thanks for listening. Good luck to you !

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1 hour ago, Strongbutsassy said:

I get along well with my husband but his libido is very low and so we basically live like good friends who are roommates. So if I ever meet someone else who makes me feel like my current girlfriend does, I would probably leave. It’s so selfish I know, but life is so very short and if we don’t try to have the kind of love that we want and deserve, then we are not fully living our own lives. 

Why do you think it’s selfish that you would leave if you found someone else who can give you all you want? You gotta do what’s best for you! Unfortunately, the more people in a relationship the harder it is to find a solution that makes everyone happy. 

But if it doesn’t make you happy, it’s ok to look for something that does. 

I hope you find that!

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@Ona you are right, my Dear. It’s just the hardest thing ever to break someone’s heart. If I could go back now and not have come out to my girlfriend, I think I wouldn’t have done it. Not knowing then how crazy hard it would get and how my heart would break into pieces, I was just excited to see how things would go. 

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Oh dear.  Do you have regrets? It can be an awfully confusing time coming out.  I'm not sure if it was your gfs first time too, but I can only imagine how scary it was for both of you (with the possibility of being rejected).

Do you feel you can talk with her about your feelings and fears?  

I had to experience being in a relationship with a woman to understand that gender didn't play a role (I can love anyone), just not two people at once.

I hope you find yourself in a loving relationship that works for you.

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@these-broken-wings(TBW) Yep, I do talk with her about these feelings. But it makes her feel so guilty and terrible for not being able to give herself to me fully. I am thankful for this forum because none of my friends know about this. It’s hard not having that support system and I typically tell my best friend everything, but cannot tell her about this because she knows my girlfriend. 

Thanks for listening and offering your thoughts ;)

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Almost all of us are in the same journey but the thing is how far along we all are. How ready because of certain situations.Its a tough situation to be in I know it.It needs lots of compromises and to ask your self if you are willing to do them.

I can relate to your girlfriend, my parents are religious and they will cut off contact with me and I am extremely close to them and all my relatives. I am not saying I will never leave but it's not possible for now. My girlfriend is in a slightly different situation than me and it's not about willingness to leave someone but there are other parameters too that need to be taken under consideration. I understand you getting angry because you think you are not important for her to change her life but this "unwillingness" as you said isn't making her feelings for you less :) I know it's hard and it needs lots of understanding too but it's all about choices we are willing to do 

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I can relate to some of your situation. For some married bisexual women it's quite disirable to think about being in a loving, emotionally satisfying, and sexual relationship with another married woman. The thought of how this relationship would be is great, it seems like a way of having what you really want, without having to make many real changes to your life. Unfortunately the reality of being in these situations can be vastly different, especially when you fall in love.

Your situation is difficult, there's no doubt about it. It sounds like you and your girlfriend have alot of love and respect for each other, despite of your marriages. There is nothing harder than falling in love with someone and not being able to have them. Trust me, I know exactly how you feel.

It's a really hard situation when someone says they want to be with you, but at the same time, are saying they can't. It's painful, and it does sometimes come across like she doesn't care as much. I mean, if she really wanted to be with you, she would right? If only things were ever this simple.

Maybe she's giving you everything she is able to at the moment in her current situation. Maybe things will change in the future and she'll start to feel more comfortable about herself and who she is and what she wants, which might give her the courage to change her current situation and be more of a proper partner to you. Alternatively she might decide she can never leave, and will only ever be able to give you part of her. People and relationships need time to develop. I don't think that her saying she is not willing to leave her husband at the moment, means her feelings towards you are any less, but at times it will feel this way. This is why communication is so important, and being able to let her know when you feel like this is something you'll need to do too, otherwise you'll end up resenting her and holding her responsible for the hurt you're experiencing. It isn't necessarily her fault, it's just the reality of the situation she is in.

She has the very real prospect that if she decides to pursue a proper relationship with you, she might lose her family. My girlfriends family are very religious, and she feels if they ever knew she liked women, and was to pursue anything further with me, she would be disowned by them. Her family means everything to her, and who am I to ever take that away from her. I could never and will never ask that. 
This is your girlfriends own personal situation to overcome, and you should try to separate it from the way she feels about you.

Equally, you also deserve to be happy. If your girlfriend decides she can't give you a full time relationship, and you feel you cant handle that, there are plenty of women out there who want what you want, and who would give you all of them. It would take alot of time of course, but you may be able to find happiness with someone else. 

My advice to you is love like you have described doesn't come around often. Try to focus on what you do have with her, rather than what you don't, otherwise it'll feel unbareable. I wish the best for you both. 

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Thank you, ladies! Your responses are well thought out and sincere and I appreciate that. I seem to be struggling more than usual lately with this but I’ve never been in a situation like this before. My brain says to let go and move on but my heart tells me that I’d be crazy to let her go. It’s a daily battle. 

Happy Valentine’s Day!! 

Love,

J.

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