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dirtyshirt84

Do you think it’s easier to come out as gay than Bi?

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Just wondered if anyone else finds it difficult to come out as Bi? I feel like being gay (or of course being straight) would be easier. I sometimes think it’s harder being something in between. 

How do you come out casually without making a big deal of it? Have you ever felt like you have to explain or justify being Bi? Some people seem to think in the binary where as in reality I think most people can probably experience romantic or sexual attraction to both men and women, although most people have a strong preference? 

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I understand your perspective, it does seem to be easier coming out at straight or gay...  BUT... that's because of societal discourse, assumptions, etc.

In short, people have limited language and view points (to a degree) and we have a long way to go before diversity is embraced.  In other words, the way in which we relate to each other needs to change.  And the only way that can happen is if we stand tall in our own right to exist as we are, regardless of our orientation,  religion, looks, etc.

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In terms of my coming out (as bi), I don't create a scene, it's just a matter of fact.  If people ask, I share.  If people dont, that's fine too.  I have found that those who have a genuine interest are typically accepting.   But.  I have also found talking about bisexuality in general highlights a lot of ignorance. For me, it depends where the heart of the person lies... are they interested in my wellbeing, or are they interested in pushing their agenda to prove a point?  Is it all about their ego?  Or is it a matter of me accepting they are welcome to their beliefs too.  Both sides need to accept each other in order to embrace diversity.

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@dirtyshirt84 With zero hard facts to back it up, I'd say yes because in my view, people don't take being bi as seriously as being gay. We're in this gray area that neither hetero nor gay people understand, a no man's land really. There isn't a set of characteristics or behaviors that you can place on a bi person like you can with a gay or straight person and I think that weirds people out so they diminish the label to be just about wanting to have selfish sex, looseness, confusion, etc. 

There has been a great deal of championing LGBT+ as a whole, but little in the way of championing of bisexuality, specifically. Which I understand can be difficult to do because it's our identities at stake, not so much our rights though that could ultimately be a factor should we choose to settle with a same sex partner.

It's a catch 22 because if one comes out as gay and people see them later in what looks like a hetero pairing, they'll just think they're confused about what they want and again, not take them seriously. 

As for my personal experience, more often than not when I've opened up about it to girls in the past, they'd then feel comfortable revealing their curiosity about it or telling me that they were bi too. Or I'd get the I'm straight but I think women's bodies are beautiful line :lol:.  So I agree with you completely that if people were to let go of their conservative ideals and inhibitions, there would be a while heap of people identifying as bi or something similar, even if they leaned toward one gender more than the other.

 

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I think coming out is hard whether you gay or bi. You are always going to have those that respect love and support you or those that will reject judge and hate what you are. The fear of rejection is difficult whether you gay or bi. The thing is though if you are gay that's it you gay. But if you are bi well then it could be a phase or a hormanal thing or you selfish and want it all, or you're confused. Well that's been my experience. This is the longest phase that I've ever been through since I've pretty much known my whole life that I like both genders 

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It's harder in my opinion to come out as bisexual. Being gay in today's society has become more acceptable compared to a few decades ago. I think people generally like to categorise stuff. It's a much easier concept for them to see you as either straight or gay. But bisexual? it's too complicated in the eyes of others, it's not black or white. There are too many grey areas.  

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There's this thing I like to call the "bisexual burden" compared to being gay -- when we come out we are usually asked more questions than if someone comes out as lesbian or gay ("so which do you prefer? Do you more often date women or men? Which do you think you'll settle down with? So you're [x] really.") and for those of us who are single or monogamous or even poly but dating several people of the same gender there's more sense of our sexuality being erased and forgotten over time - you used to be bisexual but you're with this person so you 'picked a team'.

So while it's very much a personal thing and depends on your social circle's attitudes and so forth, on average and in the UK/US/Canada sorts of places - I think being bi is tougher of the two.

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Not sure who in this post is speaking from their own actual experience, but as for my opinion as coming out as bi and then lesbian, it was much easier to come out as bi. 

My family clung to the belief that I’d end up with a man and had hope. The overall response to being bi was, “It’s the new thing to do.” While they didn’t quite take me seriously, the hate came when I had to out myself as lesbian. When I came out (as gay), I had every relationship end with the exception of my parents and ex-husband. It was not pretty, it was very devastating and you get sent reeling because this is your family who’s supposed to love you. They could deal with me “dabbling” with women, but to be a full-fledged lesbian? That wasn’t about to happen. For someone who was dealing with anxiety attacks and panic disorder due to my sexuality, the shame I received was even more triggering and traumatic. It also instigated new levels of my internalized homophobia. Also, because I had been with men for the vast majority of my life, I was still questioned if I was sure: Are you sure you’re gay? Maybe you’re confused? Don’t you miss me ? Don’t you miss your husband? How can you not miss the masculinity? The questions ramped up even more when I was lesbian, because that’s not what others wanted for me. 

Soooo no, it was NOT easier coming out as lesbian over when I was bi (and labeled myself as such for two years). In addition, I do get more harassment on social media. It’s like when I was bi, it was more acceptable because men were somewhere in my dating life.

Now, I’ve dealt with threats both online and in-person. 

I never did identify with a lack of feeling “seen” as a bisexual women. I understood that lesbian women were going to label me as “high risk.” And it’s hard for someone to know you’re bi, when you’re standing next to a man but I understood that, too. A small percentage of the population is LGBT; it’s completely understandable just by going by the odds.  I was married for over a decade- I don’t think had I made the decision to stay in the marriage and label as bi, I’d feel the need to state my sexuality. I really doubt it- unless it came down to trying to talk to other women romantically. There was never a reason to interject my sexuality into a conversation that didn’t call for it and I was married. I guess I just didn’t feel the need to do so. The need for external validation was only prevalent when it came to someone close to me and whom I was attached to- no one else.

It was easier for me to date when I was bi. Had many more dates back then. Now, as lesbian, I’m in this odd territory and it’s rare to meet another femme lesbian in the same emotional place I am. I read an article where a bi woman said she knew she wouldn’t end up with a women because she just didn’t have time for that. I understand what she meant. It would be much easier for me to mess around with a married woman, but I no longer do that (whether the husband knows or not); I’ve learned those situations are best to stay away from, as the playing field isn’t leveled. It’s too bad, there are far more curious/attached bi women in my area over femme lesbians I’d be attracted to. 

*typos= on my phone 

Note: And this takes getting acclimated to. There’s the devastation of your own identity crisis when you realize you are t going to be with a man anymore. I was talking my ex-hubby today and asked him, “Did you see any cute women?” and then it hit me- is this really my life? I cannot believe this! And whoila! I’m sent into panic again. My ex knows me well and joked about it, which helped immensely- but to this day I have triggers when it comes to being lesbian. Maybe there was a part of me that was holding onto hope that I was bi and maybe end up with a man? And FOR ME, life in a traditional hetero relationship was easier (much easier) than it is now. 

Even after all this time, something that small can send me back into the past and reliving crap out. It’s lessened, but still there. One day soon, I hope it won’t be the case...

 

Edited by caliwoman
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Depends on your background, community and country. If you come from a community which is homophobic and does not accept same sex couples or is homophobic saying youre bi gives people hope that one day you will choose the "right" straight relationships. 

It might be hard to come out in some places like coming out to gay people and for people to take it seriously but day to day coming out is not as hard i believe.

If someone is bi they wont necessarily or as much be targeted for conversion therapy, they wont get excluded from institutions, no one gets imprisoned/jailed in homophobic countries or have travel restrictions if ure a bi person in a straight relationship.  like 84% of bi people. 

It could be harder societally because as bi people we may not be taken seriously but its not the same as the experiences my gay friends go through. Especially those from religious or those who are people of colour. 

A bi person can have access to straight privilege but a gay person can never have that.

Lot of people come out as bi initially before they realise they are gay or maybe straight. Maybe not all. 

Its so much easier for me to come out as bi, get married and have a girl on the side. Maybe have 3somes in the privacy of my room..But unfortunately for some reason girls like me better and love me in a way guys who say they love me cannot. 

Boy erased is an excellent movie which touches the effect of conversion therapy and why someone would not come out as gay. Why its harder to come out as gay. 

36 US states allow conversion therapy on minors. 700 000 Americans have been irreversibly damaged. 

It also depends when you come out as gay or bi.

If u come out  as a teen or a young adult as gay you face being disowned, disinherited, maybe conversion therapy, maybe being cut off by the family. Someone who is bi in a same sex relationship might face the above as well. 

If you come out as bi later in life you might have to deal with an insecure and jealous husband who is controlling but maybe you might be financially independent and in control of your circimstances. Same with a gay person who comes later in life. 

Edited by Rani

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