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Rani

What are some great reasons to end up in a relationship with a woman ?

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I post this as someone who has recently been the victim of a gay bashing and am surrounded by homophobia. In society, in my community and in my city. People are a lot more accepting these days but homophobia sadly does still exist. Whether that be being gay bashed while holding hands, or seeing LGBT parents in same sex relationships being discriminated at, excluded from institutions, having to hide yourself when abroad or facing restrictions being yourself in public. So as a minority of a minority of a minority i post this and request anyone to post reasons they have come across. 

My minorities: bi  woman (1) south asian woman of colour (2)  of hindu background (3) dating a lesbian south asian woman of colour (4) who is of muslim background (5)

a bi woman in a relationship with a woman (6) 

Its rare to find bi women dating women and even rarer  to find a bi woman of colour dating a woman. Even rarer to find a bi-lesbian southasian inter-religious couple. 

So for me the odds are against me. If i mention that i was gay bashed people ask why were you holding hands in that location when it could be unsafe?  If you're bi you could have a male partner and this situation could be avoided? Well not necessarily and my gf did her best to defend me coming in front of me and in the end getting her finger fractured 

After my gay bashing incident me and my gf attended this bi meetup in a queer friendly location holding hands without fear. We met bi couples in heterosexual relationships, with straight partners, with bi partners etc

I don't intend to offend people in opposite sex relationships because the world truly is your oyster. I wish i could say the same but the reality is different for those of us who love differently and have relationships with women rather than just flings, extracurricular sexual hobbies or sex behind closed doors.  Some of us do crave romantic relationships with females that go beyond licking breasts/nipples/pussies as great as that may be.  Some here may not thats fine. Like white privilege heterosexual privilege exists in society. I think that does need to be acknowledged. 

I realise there are a lot of great men and poor relationship quality women out there but im speaking in terms of broad generalisations/statistics and also in terms of true love. I have had my heart broken by lot of women before my gf and by men before the few that i trusted 

I have had women confess true love to me and have had guys say they love me/want to marry me. Its only the women ive found who make active attempts to show love like remembering bdays/sending flowers and making you feel special. 

anyway here are my reasons based on articles and life experience/conversations with others.I believe straight homophobic couples are jealous and frustrated of all these advantages we have. 

I see so many straight women wish they were in a same sex relationship but obviously thats not meant for them. having extracurricular lesbian sex does not mean one gets the benefits of being in a same sex relationship

 

1. More egalitarian household. More men are sharing responsibilities these days but its still not close to 50/50 

- more equality in terms of decision making (less controlling, manipulative, possessing behaviour) 

- more  equality in terms of housework ( my gf is totally open to cooking and housework while i work) 

- more equality in terms of childcare 

https://www.npr.org/2014/12/29/373835114/same-sex-couples-may-have-more-egalitarian-relationships

Well, what we found consistently in our research is that same-sex couples tend to be much more egalitarian in their relationships. They share decision-making more equally, finances more equally, housework more equally, childcare more equally. Basically every dimension we looked at, same-sex couples are dramatically more equal in the way they function together as a couple compared to heterosexual couples.

-marriage if its a happy one leads to more mental health benefits 

2. The ability to resolve conflicts without powerful struggle

- i get exhausted listening  repeatedly to my straight friends and their power struggles with their husbands. For a relationship to be long lasting spouses must be able to influence each other. Guys are less open to this. My gf and i easily influence each other. Sense of humour is easily used to defuse tense situations 

https://www.npr.org/2014/12/29/373835114/same-sex-couples-may-have-more-egalitarian-relationships

There tends to be less anger and aggression in their conflict situations. So when they're discussing a conflictual area, it's been found that same-sex couples use a lot more humor, are much more able to de-escalate the conflict discussion so that they don't get out of hand, whereas heterosexual couples tend to get more into a power struggle.

The gottman institute which does lot of research into marriages and relationships confirms the same. 

 

 

3. More orgasms

- threesomes and random flings will only give those orgasms sometimes not as many as times as a same sex relationship. The greater duration of female same sex couple sex and the greater 

- in some opposite sex relationships women's desire and pleasure is second place and passion dwindles with yrs. Females give more bjs than get cunnilingus. That is not the case in most same sex relationships

- i think bi women in the survey were mostly in heterosexual relationships so their low frequence of orgasms. Or they knew what they were missing out and felt dissatisfied in their current relationships so they had lesser orgasms than straight women

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/the-third-wave/201602/why-do-lesbians-have-more-orgasms-straight-women 

The extended duration of lesbians’ sexual encounter (as compared to heterosexuals) may provide women the necessary amount of foreplay that's missing in many heterosexual sexual encounters, and it gives women time to get fully aroused, increasing the likelihood of achieving an orgasm. 

 

4. Better at resolving issues 

I see too much emotional control, power and manipulation in the lives of opposite sex couples. So straight couples maybe you can learn from us this time. 

Females tend to not have as much space as men

https://www.gottman.com/about/research/same-sex-couples/

Gay/lesbian couples are more upbeat in the face of conflict. Compared to straight couples, gay and lesbian couples use more affection and humor when they bring up a disagreement, and partners are more positive in how they receive it. Gay and lesbian couples are also more likely to remain positive after a disagreement. “When it comes to emotions, we think these couples may operate with very different principles than straight couples. Straight couples may have a lot to learn from gay and lesbian relationships,” explains Gottman.

Gay/lesbian couples use fewer controlling, hostile emotional tactics. Gottman and Levenson also discovered that gay and lesbian partners display less belligerence, domineering and fear with each other than straight couples do. “The difference on these ‘control’ related emotions suggests that fairness and power-sharing between the partners is more important and more common in gay and lesbian relationships than in straight ones,” Gottman explained.

5. More flexibility in terms of roles

- roles in the house and outside

- more flexibility in who can have kids through artificial insemination and IVF . My gf wants to have my children and she wants to carry them in her womb

- flexibility in thinking about whether to adopt or foster care rather than have biological children 

- your dreams and ambitions are not secondary to another 

6. Female true love is not the same as male true love. It is of different quality

- it is more intense emotionally and physically. If you have experienced this once in your life even if you end up with a man you wont forget it 

I read a book by a guy popular on US radio named Steve Harvey called "Act like a lady. Think like a man" Apparently he is a well known dating expert in the US and he believes men and women show love differently. Women expect men love to love them the same way and this leads to disappointment and disilusionment. 
Sorry men cannot. Only women can love the way described below in his book. 

"Nothing on this planet can compare with a woman’s
love—it is kind and compassionate, patient and nurturing,
generous and sweet and unconditional. Pure.
If you are her man, she will walk on water and through a
mountain for you, too, no matter how you’ve acted out, no
matter what crazy thing you’ve done, no matter the time or
demand. If you are her man, she will talk to you until there just
aren’t any more words left to say, encourage you when you’re
at rock bottom and think there just isn’t any way out, hold you
in her arms when you’re sick, and laugh with you when you’re
up. And if you’re her man and that woman loves you—I mean
really loves you?—she will shine you up when you’re dusty,
encourage you when you’re down, defend you even when she’s
not so sure you were right, and hang on your every word, even
when you’re not saying anything worth listening to. And no
matter what you do, no matter how many times her friends say
you’re no good, no matter how many times you slam the door
on the relationship, she will give you her very best and then
some, and keep right on trying to win over your heart, even
when you act like everything she’s done to convince you she’s
The One just isn’t good enough."

This is the type of love women who love me have for me. This is the type of love a lot of women expect from their man but unfortunately many cannot maintain or have that love. Ive been with my gf 1.5 yrs and she still has that love for me.

For men according to Harvey love means professing it, being protective and providing. It is unrealistic for a man to give that pure, unadulterated love that a woman can give. Having a threesome and expecting those benefits is like a thirty person in the dessert  parched for a few days trying to quench their thirst with a drop of water. It can never be enough. 

"Well, I’m here to tell you that expecting that kind of love—
that perfection—from a man is unrealistic. That’s right, I said
it—it’s not gonna happen, no way, no how. Because a man’s
love isn’t like a woman’s love."

7. The struggle for lgbt equality unites us

- most opposite sex couples dont have this to unite them

- at the end of the day we may lose friends and family in being ourselves so we are each others world

toxic relationships means an impact on your health. If your coming out can cause such toxicity to disown itself from you then thats a positive 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/high-octane-women/201108/the-hidden-health-hazards-toxic-relationships

8. Females can process emotions and are more emotionally available then men

- yes this could be a weakness but it also means females are able to actively listen and can discuss/talk through emotions

- guys cannot take much emotional processing. If things get too emotional they retreat and stonewall

- men are from mars and women from venus. Doesnt this mean its more unnatural to have relationship interactions with people of different species then ur own?

https://www.healthline.com/health-news/men-and-women-process-emotions-differently-100115#1

- straight female friends can only do so much of this for their female partners 

9. More sensitivity

10. more nurturing

11. celebrity status

http://www.lesbiannews.com/how-different-straight-and-lesbian-relationships/

celebrity status. When a lesbian couple walks in people look and stare. Just give them a celebrity wave.  You're unique and not like everyone else around 

more sensitivity towards periods. My gf always gives me a waterbottle and is more caring and nurturing then any guy could be. Not just when i have periods but when i am sick she prepares breakfast(like usual for me), lemon ginger tea etc 

 

12.-16 

https://www.yourtango.com/2016294172/why-same-sex-gay-lesbian-LGBTQ-relationships-better-than-heterosexual-couples

Studies have proven that same- relationships are not only healthier and more communicative, but overall longer-lasting than heterosexual ones.

-You can bond over gender-specific issues that someone not your gender would never understand. 
13. They can get you where you want to be in the bedroom.

- women know their own female bodies. They know about clitoral/vaginal/g spot/u spot orgasms and better at listening to feedback 

14. 

You can really understand each other on an emotional level.

- greater mutual understanding 

15. Same-sex relationships also don’t have to worry about pre-determined gender roles.

- we can forge our own path and our own traditions and ways of doing this without relying on a set pattern 

16. 

You can learn to love and appreciate the parts of yourself by loving the same things in your partner.

- so in a way you can learn self love  better in a same sex relationship

17. More initiative in sharing, being influenced by the other and better at sharing child-rearing responsibility

- women who have kids and are attracted to women would benefit from being in a same sex relationship if you look at this.

In different sex couples only 38% share childcare responsibility. and in 62% cases one person takes primary responsibility

In same sex couples 74% share responsibility and only in 26% does one person take primary responsibility

Same sex couples were more likely to speak about division of labour whereas women in straight relationships were not 

This discrepancy in household work just widens with parenthood

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2015/05/07/study-men-are-lazy-to-their-core/?utm_term=.e612df93fd29

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2015/06/04/what-gay-couples-get-about-relationships-that-straight-couples-often-dont/?utm_term=.1de5ed23b158

18. Less expectations and pressure 

- straight relationships have a familiar trajectory of marriage and children whereas gay relationships dont necessarily 

19. You may get salads for cheaper apparently 

https://thefrisky.com/6-major-differences-between-gay-and-straight-dating-according-to-a-bisexual-woman/

20. We are happier than people in straight relationships

- this is based on a survey of 25000 people in the UK and 9000 in Australia 

- for some reason bisexual people suffered more compared to gay and straight people. This may be because only 16% are in same sex relationships and the rest know what they are missing out on. It could also be because their partners are insecure and jealous not letting them expressing their bi side 

https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2017/12/15/gay-and-lesbian-couples-are-happier-than-straight-couples-new-study-reveals/

“Relationship quality in same-sex couples was as high as in heterosexual couples in the United Kingdom, and higher in Australia.

“The lowest relationship quality in both countries was reported by bisexual individuals.”

The researchers suggested that gay and lesbian couples might have better relationships because they are less concerned about sticking to stereotypical gender roles.

They also suggested that “individuals in same-sex relationships may be more likely than those in different-sex relationships to have high relationship investment.”

 

21. Expectations and conformity to heteronormativity in heterosexual relationships

- this lesbian woman in a relationship with a bisexual woman mentions reasons unique aspects of their relationship 

- after marriage an opposite sex couple may cling to what is expected of them. maybe children and work. They might not necessarily make time out for travel as much or going back to uni to have a change of career 

Pressure from conservative family members of what each member of the couple should do according to traditional gender roles. 

https://www.quora.com/What-does-it-feel-like-to-be-in-a-lesbian-relationship-compared-to-a-straight-one

22. Better communication

- women are better at communicating and listening in general 

http://www.curvemag.com/Advice/11-Reasons-Why-Being-A-Lesbian-Is-Amazing/

23.  Easy gifting 

- you know what to get a girl and if you're both the same size its like 2 for 1

24. Masturbation = practice for sex

25. Big spoon and little spoon

- guys are usually bigger than girls so they cant change spooning roles 

women can be both big and small spoon 

26.  Synchronised periods

- you can be moody and emotional together and you can empathise what its about

- none of you would be blaming each others swinging moods on periods

27. Soft skin and lips

28. Breasts (better than man boobs anyway)

29. checking out other girls together

30. No unexpected surprises or pregnancies 

 I will continue adding to this  with more reasons till i have 100 reasons why same sex relationships are better than opposite sex relationships 

After i get a reasonable amount of reasons i will send this to the homophobic people in my life and ask why they are jealous of me having the possibility of more happiness than them. When i read the above i feel better and more confident in my relationship. Im going to make a book called the bi female in gay relationships manifesto. This way vulnerable groups can have positive self esteem whenever the world tries to drag us down. 

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8 hours ago, Rani said:

I don't intend to offend people in opposite sex relationships because the world truly is your oyster. I wish i could say the same but the reality is different for those of us who love differently and have relationships with women rather than just flings, extracurricular sexual hobbies or sex behind closed doors.  Some of us do crave romantic relationships with females that go beyond licking breasts/nipples/pussies as great as that may be.  Some here may not thats fine. Like white privilege heterosexual privilege exists in society. I think that does need to be acknowledged. 

Perhaps you don't intend to offend, but this is an offensive thing to say to a board full of bisexual woman, many of whom are in relationships with men.

You are very very insistent that you are bisexual... so why do you think that those of us who are bisexual and currently in relationships with men feel any differently than you do? Why would a relationship with a female be just about sex for us?

There are absolutely women just looking for sex or experimentation. But it definitely isn't true for all. It may not even be true for the people who currently are looking for that after they get the initial newness of it all out of their system.

Nor is it exclusive to bi women - there are plenty of women of all sexualities who are looking strictly for casual relationships or hookups.

There is definitely privilege in being in a heterosexual relationship, and it is good for us to remember and acknowledge this. But please don't combine it with biphobic ideas.

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14 hours ago, Rani said:

 

8. Females can process emotions and are more emotionally available then men

- yes this could be a weakness but it also means females are able to actively listen and can discuss/talk through emotions

- guys cannot take much emotional processing. If things get too emotional they retreat and stonewall

- men are from mars and women from venus. Doesnt this mean its more unnatural to have relationship interactions with people of different species then ur  

It’s true that women sometimes do the emotional work for male partners, and that some men have a hard time expressing emotions. You get why this is, right? Male children are socialized differently from females from a very early age, and this is a giant fail on the part of most societies. Boys are told in hundreds of ways they their emotions are unacceptable and make them weak/not masculine. This is a cycle that must be broken so that boys and men don’t feel that normal human emotions are a sign of weakness. I believe that change is beginning to take place, especially with the current dialogue about toxic masculinity and the #metoo awareness that is becoming more and more pervasive (at least in this country).

Men are people just as we are. I sincerely believe a lot of men want to express their emotions more freely without fear of being judged, but may have no idea how to begin. We can and should do a *hell* of a lot better than resorting to tired old tropes like ‘Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus,’ throwing our hands in the air, and deciding that’s just the way it is. The concepts expressed in that book are simplistic and easy lies that serve no one, and just perpetuate stereotypes that need to die.

I’m leaving this article here (“Everyone around you is grieving. Go easy.”) because in my mind it’s relevant to this topic. Men and women experience pain equally. We are all broken and trying to keep it together. 

https://johnpavlovitz.com/2019/02/21/everyone-around-you-is-grieving-go-easy/?utm_campaign=coschedule&utm_source=facebook_page&utm_medium=John+Pavlovitz&fbclid=IwAR2UYzQ0EManq9NSuouvzGxFyvWxkAGhTRpsuc7RkznYOlhqXV3SXW23xlU

 

 

 

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Posted (edited)
17 hours ago, moonbynight said:

Perhaps you don't intend to offend, but this is an offensive thing to say to a board full of bisexual woman, many of whom are in relationships with men.

You are very very insistent that you are bisexual... so why do you think that those of us who are bisexual and currently in relationships with men feel any differently than you do? Why would a relationship with a female be just about sex for us?

There are absolutely women just looking for sex or experimentation. But it definitely isn't true for all. It may not even be true for the people who currently are looking for that after they get the initial newness of it all out of their system.

Nor is it exclusive to bi women - there are plenty of women of all sexualities who are looking strictly for casual relationships or hookups.

There is definitely privilege in being in a heterosexual relationship, and it is good for us to remember and acknowledge this. But please don't combine it with biphobic ideas.

I am sorry if i offended anyone. I am part of  bi groups and i know bi women in relationship with women. I don't say all bi women or all lesbians or all straight people are a particular way but sometimes some of the comments created just focus on the sexual aspects or threesome aspects when there is more to a relationship. Or focus on finding someone for a threesome. Thats fine but im coming from this from a different perspective and so i clearly outlined my background inn the beginning. Obviously women of both lesbian and bisexual backgrounds can feel that way but i base it on what ive read here and im focusing as a bi woman on bi experiences here. 

 Just reducing things to the sexual is also offensive to my same sex relationship as a bi woman. Not all women here do that but some have. Thats fine if that works for them. but me holding hands in public gets me gay/bi  bashed. There are women who have clearly said they dont want romantic relationships and are only into sexual relationships. How do you think that makes bi women in relationships with women feel? I dont think all bisexual women in relationships feel that way but what should i assume for those who say they are not into romantic relationships but sexual relationships. Thats their right and thats fine. Some of us have to live this reality of being in a same sex relationship in a very heterosexual world where we are forever closested for fear of being disowned or ostracised. our communities can never be the same level of accepting as white mainstream society. We have to face racism and homophobia both even in lgbt spaces. Like there was a woman here who posted she only wanted a caucasian woman over 35 for a threesome. 

How do you think those things would make someone who is non caucasian feel? I still have the screenshot. That doesnt mean all bi women do it. BUt like any group there is prejudice and discrimination inside bisexual circles whether that be racism or homophobia as well. Unlike most caucasian people here i dont have a safe space because i am a bi woman of colour in a female relationship. There are very few like me.   

One of my bi married caucasian friends here had a bi friend who was in a relationship with a woman for a yr and then told her its just a phase. whereas she identified as bisexual before. Both of us disagreed with that. If i criticise that terminology because it invalidates bisexual experiences would it make me biphobic

I have had men interested in me and looking at my cultural and ethnic background it would be easier for me to be with them because i do feel sexually attracted to them. However, being with my gf and being with females fulfils me more. 

There is biphobia in the gay community and there is homophobia in the bi community. I got gay bashed by someone because i held hands with my gf. A guy on my fb said we deserved it because we thrust u "gay" choice on others. This is despite him being with a bi woman. He has a gf who likes women. None of that is related but i dont know what views his gf has on same sex relationships.  All i know is i was punched on the back and my gf tried to shield me and had her finger fractured.  Do you know how being gay/bi bashed and being closeted means you cant even properly vent about this? 

I am very close friends with a bi caucasian married woman here and ive been her emotional support throughout all the insecure, jealous and controlling behaviour her husband puts her through. Just for coming out. Including restricting talking to me. I respect her relationship and her sexual orientation. If i did not i would not abide by all the rules her husband has for her that restrict our communication. I want to be there to support her emotionally through the issues but i cant talk to her. She cant talk to me when she wants and she cant text me when she wants. 

If i was biphobic i wouldnt spend time making an online book club or i wouldnt try to help my friend who has come out to her husband and faces a difficult situation. 

I posted this article about how men cause more stress than children. People liked and commented it. By posting it i didnt mean to target women in relationships with men just to point something out. Yes, female same sex relationships have issues that opposite sex ones dont like better societal acceptance, maybe no lesbian bed death etc but i think people know those reasons so i didnt mention it

Pointing the behaviour of some bi women doesnt make me biphobic. Just like pointing out promiscuity in some gay relationships where non monogamy is accepted doesnt make me homophobic or pointing out how straight couples dont resolve conflicts . or saying my racial community is more homophobic than the mainstream white community wouldnt make me racist. People might not offer you sympathy when you've been gay bashed they might say you should be cautious where you hold hands.

I know your post may be well intentioned but all of us come from different backgrounds and life experiences. It is hard for a bi woman of colour to be in a relationship with a woman when there is homophobia all around and people say if you had a choice why didn't you choose a man. im speaking from that perspective. I respect your posts and i dont mean to target all women but in that sentence i was just targeting a behaviour i had noticed. My incident really has highlighted to me how political something as simple as holding hands with a woman can be.  

Edited by Rani

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Posted (edited)
17 hours ago, moonbynight said:

Perhaps you don't intend to offend, but this is an offensive thing to say to a board full of bisexual woman, many of whom are in relationships with men.

You are very very insistent that you are bisexual... so why do you think that those of us who are bisexual and currently in relationships with men feel any differently than you do? Why would a relationship with a female be just about sex for us?

There are absolutely women just looking for sex or experimentation. But it definitely isn't true for all. It may not even be true for the people who currently are looking for that after they get the initial newness of it all out of their system.

Nor is it exclusive to bi women - there are plenty of women of all sexualities who are looking strictly for casual relationships or hookups.

There is definitely privilege in being in a heterosexual relationship, and it is good for us to remember and acknowledge this. But please don't combine it with biphobic ideas.

also some of us in romantic relationships would include the bi women in romantic relationships with women or the bi women in relationships with men who would like a romantic relationship with women. Or something more than just a physical encounter.  Or something more than a fling or sexual encounter. Nowhere in that sentence did i say it was targeting all bisexual women because that would include me. 

The people i am talking about maybe a small minority but they have posted here they only want sexual relationships with women and are not interested in romantic relationships. Or they have posted about threesomes with only caucasian women. Then they got booted from the site but those women also exist. 

I know it is not exclusive to bi women but im guessing most people here are bi so i talked about them. 

Having casual relationships/hookups would also be different to having a threesome to please their man which some have mentioned. 

Also if i was biphobic i wouldnt be there for the many bi married women i have become friends with and developed an emotional connection to. I am there for them so they can express their feelings and talk about things that neither of us can openly tell others. and im also not the one who leaves when friendships are made due to whatever restraints/restrictions/commitments they have. I respect that and i only wish them well.

After my experience last week i am just venting about this situation which is unique to me and few others like me. A unique experience of homophobia and racism. 

i cant attach that screenshot because its too large but if i could i would

 

 

Edited by Rani

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Posted (edited)
12 hours ago, HerbanOrla said:

It’s true that women sometimes do the emotional work for male partners, and that some men have a hard time expressing emotions. You get why this is, right? Male children are socialized differently from females from a very early age, and this is a giant fail on the part of most societies. Boys are told in hundreds of ways they their emotions are unacceptable and make them weak/not masculine. This is a cycle that must be broken so that boys and men don’t feel that normal human emotions are a sign of weakness. I believe that change is beginning to take place, especially with the current dialogue about toxic masculinity and the #metoo awareness that is becoming more and more pervasive (at least in this country).

Men are people just as we are. I sincerely believe a lot of men want to express their emotions more freely without fear of being judged, but may have no idea how to begin. We can and should do a *hell* of a lot better than resorting to tired old tropes like ‘Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus,’ throwing our hands in the air, and deciding that’s just the way it is. The concepts expressed in that book are simplistic and easy lies that serve no one, and just perpetuate stereotypes that need to die.

I’m leaving this article here (“Everyone around you is grieving. Go easy.”) because in my mind it’s relevant to this topic. Men and women experience pain equally. We are all broken and trying to keep it together. 

https://johnpavlovitz.com/2019/02/21/everyone-around-you-is-grieving-go-easy/?utm_campaign=coschedule&utm_source=facebook_page&utm_medium=John+Pavlovitz&fbclid=IwAR2UYzQ0EManq9NSuouvzGxFyvWxkAGhTRpsuc7RkznYOlhqXV3SXW23xlU

 

 

 

I agree with you. They are people just like us and they are not responsible for the way they are socialised. I mean a lot of these points minus the female specific ones apply to gay same sex couples as well. Maybe its something other couples can learn.Like  maybe female same sex couples can learn how to avoid bed death  by learning from straight couples. There are a lot of things straight couples have that same sex couples dont but id think most people know that.

Some of these were creative reasons like loving the same qualities in your same sex partner can make you realise those same qualities in you.

The aim of this post was not made to make those in heterosexual relationships feel bad but rather to find the silver lining with being in a same sex relationship. Rather it was to give creative reasons why those bi women in same sex relationships or who want to be in ones can find positive articles/reinforcement for it. 

Thanks for the article. I agree men and women can feel pain equally and maybe they dont express it enough. I agree everyone is grieving. We never know what the person next to us has been through. After my gay/bi bashing im grieving humanity and this f'd up world we live in where people can say "you could have chosen to hold hands with a man and then you wouldnt have been bashed." Or having to forever hide who i am because no one would understand or empathise. Its a fucked up world but we still have to live in it and find ways to cope. Or find like minded people we can cope with.

The emotions part ive seen many male dating coaches allude to. As in they say males get easily overwhelmed by emotions and cannot discuss feelings as readily as females. This could be a good or a bad thing in a relationship. Sometimes female can over-analyse things. 

This is the type of message im talking about rather than everyone. Ive been targeted by couples and bi women a few times with crude language. Not on this site and not that common but when i try to explain to them those type of 3somes are not my thing not everyone understands

Why would anyone want someone of a specific age or background for a threesome? beats me.

Screenshot_20181107-165828.thumb.png.996a3e2ffa152660efe8057b59f804c4.png

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15 hours ago, Rani said:

The people i am talking about maybe a small minority but they have posted here they only want sexual relationships with women and are not interested in romantic relationships. Or they have posted about threesomes with only caucasian women. Then they got booted from the site but those women also exist. 

Oh yeah, they definitely exist. And maybe, outside this board, they really are a majority, or at least a vocal minority. And they're on here, too - there's no rule against expressing a desire to just experiment and have a purely sexual relationship, just against using the board for that purpose.

I'm sorry about the racist ones. At least they are advertising their bigotry up front so you know who to avoid.

I know it is hard, maybe impossible, to avoid internalizing this stuff, but it is truly a reflection on them and not you. And I know that doesn't help when they're literally hitting you over the head with it. 

14 hours ago, Rani said:

Some of these were creative reasons like loving the same qualities in your same sex partner can make you realise those same qualities in you.

This is one thing I've found - loving and being attracted to someone with a less than Hollywood-perfect body (and isn't that most women, especially once you're out of the 20s?) has made me more accepting of my own body. It's much harder to look at my own belly and feel  bad about it when I'm looking at someone else's and thinking it's adorable, you know?

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16 hours ago, Rani said:

Just reducing things to the sexual is also offensive to my same sex relationship as a bi woman. Not all women here do that but some have. Thats fine if that works for them. but me holding hands in public gets me gay/bi  bashed. There are women who have clearly said they dont want romantic relationships and are only into sexual relationships. How do you think that makes bi women in relationships with women feel? I dont think all bisexual women in relationships feel that way but what should i assume for those who say they are not into romantic relationships but sexual relationships.

I can understand how frustrating it can be to see comments pop up here, especially if you've experienced a deeply loving relationship with a woman and know how amazing it can be.

But lets face facts, threesomes happen, a lot! People enjoy sex, a lot! People have a "type". Some women enjoy a sexual connection with men without forming an emotional connection too, but for some reason that is more acceptable. We don't see it here because this is for women only, obviously, but it does happen.

For some, sex really is just sex, without all the complications of emotions and ties. It doesn't mean there is no love, respect or care for that person. Just set boundaries, the same way that you could form a romantic, platonic relationship without having sex. Mind blowing,  i know! Lol! Truth is, unless we've experienced that feeling ourselves, it's hard to understand someone else's reasons behind it. It doesn't mean it's wrong. It's just different.

A common response by men who know their partner is bi, is to ask for a threesome, and for some, this works. I know that for many women who are just becoming aware of their sexuality, the desire can be overwhelming, and it's less about feelings and emotions and more about the sexual experience. It's not as if they're forcing a woman to join them, after all, so as long as they're all on the same page and no one is getting hurt, it shouldn't matter.

Of course theres always the chance that it goes beyond sex, and deeper feelings develop, in fact it's often the case for those that haven't experienced it before.

Everyone is free to live their own life, and make their own choices, so as long as everyone involved knows what they're getting into, and is happy with that arrangement, it's really no one elses business outside of that.
 

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I'm sorry I veered off the subject matter slightly, so coming back to the originial question you asked @Rani......There is a quote from a poet that often flashes up on my Instagram feed that says "what we crave most is a best friend, that we can't keep our hands off of" which, for me, sums it up perfectly.


My husband has always been emotionally detached and if you met his family you would understand why. So I agree with what @moonbynight and @HerbanOrla said, and I don't blame him for any of that, but I also believe that we have a choice in how we behave and being raised a certain way is no excuse for bad behaviour. He has become better over time, but still struggled,  and what he lacked emotionally, I received from my close female friends, which I think is true for many women. Yes, it's probably more likely that a female relationship would work well because women are used to having that closeness and bond anyway.

Despite the men bashing we sometimes hear, I have dated men in the past that were very caring and emotionally connected. It simply didn't work out. So I dont think we can form opinions on someone based on their gender. I think it's more about personality traits, and I could find those in anyone. Whether they're a man or a woman has never come into it. I'm simply more comfortable with my sexuality now I'm older, and finally accepted that my attraction to women goes beyond friendship. That has opened up a door thats unlikely to close anytime soon.

Yes, women who have been in long term relationships will complain about their husbands. Over time, the excitement wears off, we settle down. Then kids come along and throw the whole dynamics off. We end up falling into a role that works around the kids. More likely it's the woman that stops working to raise the children and keep a home, and the father works hard to provide. It works for a short while, the couple get used to it, and then the mother returns to work, and still has the same role of raising the children and keeping the home, but now has less time do it as she's also at work all day. It's then become unbalanced, and she's drowning. When she does eventually have more time for herself, she starts to get her life back, and this either makes or breaks a relationship. Likelihood is that they have grown apart, she does her thing and he does his. Some, of course, are lucky enough to embrace their time together and start a new phase of their relationship.
I would imagine this is very simular in same sex couples too, unless they really do have a 50/50 split on everything even if children come along, which seems unrealistic to me.

We don't live in a dream world, there are no perfect people out there. Some people simply arent compatible. The main thing is communication, respect and kindness. And some really are lucky enough to find a best friend that they can't keep their hands off of! That, for me, is a great reason.

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I was in an intense emotional relationship with a woman for some years, and now I'm dating a guy. I am definitely noticing the emotional stonewalling from him. It's disconcerting to me, and I wonder if it's because of socialization. He has told me it's not, but has indicated that he can't even identify his feelings when he feels them and this is why he gives me non-responses during emotional conversations. I find this, weird? Like, aren't you supposed to be able to identify your feelings when you feel them? 

 

 

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On 3/4/2019 at 12:16 PM, Rani said:

Like there was a woman here who posted she only wanted a caucasian woman over 35 for a threesome. 

How do you think those things would make someone who is non caucasian feel? I still have the screenshot. That doesnt mean all bi women do it. BUt like any group there is prejudice and discrimination inside bisexual circles whether that be racism or homophobia as well. Unlike most caucasian people here i dont have a safe space because i am a bi woman of colour in a female relationship. There are very few like me.   

Whatever someone else is doing or writing is their right.Its up to us what we'll choose to bother us and in what degree.  If we see the world as hostile and like everyone is out there to get us then that's how it's going to be.

You always mention race! You are in a site that helps women coming to terms with their desires about other women and not coming to terms with their color. I suggest you be OK first with yourself :)

Me as Greek Caucasian woman I have more restrictions than you being however you call yourself and still I don't give up and I am trying to come to terms and enjoy my relationship with another woman while being married to a man. 

Friendly E.  :)

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On 3/11/2019 at 9:58 PM, kairi said:

Whatever someone else is doing or writing is their right.Its up to us what we'll choose to bother us and in what degree.  If we see the world as hostile and like everyone is out there to get us then that's how it's going to be.

You always mention race! You are in a site that helps women coming to terms with their desires about other women and not coming to terms with their color. I suggest you be OK first with yourself :)

Me as Greek Caucasian woman I have more restrictions than you being however you call yourself and still I don't give up and I am trying to come to terms and enjoy my relationship with another woman while being married to a man. 

Friendly E.  :)

 

I dont see the entire world as hostile but im sure after a gay bashing no one will expect everyone to be happy and accept the situation. Or see the world the same way again. You realise my gf's finger was fractured. The woman who did this would never be caught but has left my gf with a fracture obviously it will have an effect on me. 

I was giving an example of what someone posted here. I am fine with people posting about threesomes or seeking them. 

I dont always mention race in all my comments but this was also a racist attack i faced in real life so yes i will mention it. And the example of the comment i mentioned also mentioned race . I made that comment to the person i was replying to share my experience and not because I want to judge everyone. 

You may think you may have more restrictions and maybe you do. Maybe you don't. Its hard to express in words everyone's situation. Not sure you know how hard it is to be muslim and gay and what struggles my gf goes through and what i go through being her partner. Do you know in her city 600 parents , many of her background, are protesting outside a school to ban lgbt inclusion in a secular school. Do you know what its like to be muslim or south asian and gay/bi? If you dont then listen to the experiences of others . I dont know what its like to be greek and married so i am glad and happy to hear your experiences. 

You dont know anything about that part of my life so i would appreciate comparisons not being made. I suggest you listen and not assume things. Yes i am trying to accept being my colour/race and being lgbt and its not always easy. Im not saying your life is easy so please dont try to find comparisons. 

I wish you could see things from my perspective and not keep minimising the experiences of people who are different.  Its not a competition of who has a more restrictive life. I could also be facing marriage pressure. Im not giving up either being gay or racist bashed and i wish i could feel more support. But when people minimise the experience of others or make it a comparison it doesnt help either. 

Despite criticisms of what i write i will continue to write and express my views whether people want to actively listen or not

Friendly R 

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On 3/5/2019 at 1:39 PM, moonbynight said:

Oh yeah, they definitely exist. And maybe, outside this board, they really are a majority, or at least a vocal minority. And they're on here, too - there's no rule against expressing a desire to just experiment and have a purely sexual relationship, just against using the board for that purpose.

I'm sorry about the racist ones. At least they are advertising their bigotry up front so you know who to avoid.

I know it is hard, maybe impossible, to avoid internalizing this stuff, but it is truly a reflection on them and not you. And I know that doesn't help when they're literally hitting you over the head with it. 

This is one thing I've found - loving and being attracted to someone with a less than Hollywood-perfect body (and isn't that most women, especially once you're out of the 20s?) has made me more accepting of my own body. It's much harder to look at my own belly and feel  bad about it when I'm looking at someone else's and thinking it's adorable, you know?

I know there is no rule against it but i was just expressing how i felt about it in light of recent incidents that happened to me. Everyone has a right to express what they desire and look for under the rules of the forum 

Its ok i dont mind those that advertise that. Its ok they have a right to have preferences. People of all colours do. I was just giving an example of how people can feel marginalised even within safe spaces. 

Maybe i do have internalised biphobia or racism. Maybe i dont. Maybe im just working through feelings I am going through being a quadruple minority and never feeling like i belong. Its not like i want to talk about race and all these things all the time but they are actual issues that affect me. I mean the gay/racist bashing incident that led to this was traumatic and had a long lasting physical effect on my gf and on me mentally. 

Im trying to find some good reasons to be who i am and to exist as i am rather than judging other people. I  know everyone has a difficult life and im not trying to compare but maybe i do need to find acceptance in myself being my colour/my race and with my gf being gay and Muslim background. 

I dont believe in that Hollywood perfect body because I could never really relate to it. I feel it is more about the individual and loving someone means you love whatever is an extension of them like their body

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On 3/5/2019 at 2:16 PM, lsroses said:

I can understand how frustrating it can be to see comments pop up here, especially if you've experienced a deeply loving relationship with a woman and know how amazing it can be.

But lets face facts, threesomes happen, a lot! People enjoy sex, a lot! People have a "type". Some women enjoy a sexual connection with men without forming an emotional connection too, but for some reason that is more acceptable. We don't see it here because this is for women only, obviously, but it does happen.

For some, sex really is just sex, without all the complications of emotions and ties. It doesn't mean there is no love, respect or care for that person. Just set boundaries, the same way that you could form a romantic, platonic relationship without having sex. Mind blowing,  i know! Lol! Truth is, unless we've experienced that feeling ourselves, it's hard to understand someone else's reasons behind it. It doesn't mean it's wrong. It's just different.

A common response by men who know their partner is bi, is to ask for a threesome, and for some, this works. I know that for many women who are just becoming aware of their sexuality, the desire can be overwhelming, and it's less about feelings and emotions and more about the sexual experience. It's not as if they're forcing a woman to join them, after all, so as long as they're all on the same page and no one is getting hurt, it shouldn't matter.

Of course theres always the chance that it goes beyond sex, and deeper feelings develop, in fact it's often the case for those that haven't experienced it before.

Everyone is free to live their own life, and make their own choices, so as long as everyone involved knows what they're getting into, and is happy with that arrangement, it's really no one elses business outside of that.
 

I am writing these reasons and this post in relation to a recent incident. The threesomes comment was a passing comment. I have nothing against people seeking threesomes or foursomes and sex can be amazing with or without feelings. It can happen with females or males or whatever. As long as everyone is on the same page there is no issues. I dont mind people having racial preferences either. I know not all bi women in relationships with men feel that way. Everyone has their own individual preferences whether single or married. 

I agree everyone is free to live their life and I dont disagree with people making decisions they want to. I have bi friends i made here who are interested in threesomes and I know people outside of here who are as well. I think thats valid choices they can make in their life. Its not my position to judge them. Not everyone will be into threesomes in the same way 

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On 3/5/2019 at 2:32 PM, lsroses said:

I'm sorry I veered off the subject matter slightly, so coming back to the originial question you asked @Rani......There is a quote from a poet that often flashes up on my Instagram feed that says "what we crave most is a best friend, that we can't keep our hands off of" which, for me, sums it up perfectly.


My husband has always been emotionally detached and if you met his family you would understand why. So I agree with what @moonbynight and @HerbanOrla said, and I don't blame him for any of that, but I also believe that we have a choice in how we behave and being raised a certain way is no excuse for bad behaviour. He has become better over time, but still struggled,  and what he lacked emotionally, I received from my close female friends, which I think is true for many women. Yes, it's probably more likely that a female relationship would work well because women are used to having that closeness and bond anyway.

Despite the men bashing we sometimes hear, I have dated men in the past that were very caring and emotionally connected. It simply didn't work out. So I dont think we can form opinions on someone based on their gender. I think it's more about personality traits, and I could find those in anyone. Whether they're a man or a woman has never come into it. I'm simply more comfortable with my sexuality now I'm older, and finally accepted that my attraction to women goes beyond friendship. That has opened up a door thats unlikely to close anytime soon.

Yes, women who have been in long term relationships will complain about their husbands. Over time, the excitement wears off, we settle down. Then kids come along and throw the whole dynamics off. We end up falling into a role that works around the kids. More likely it's the woman that stops working to raise the children and keep a home, and the father works hard to provide. It works for a short while, the couple get used to it, and then the mother returns to work, and still has the same role of raising the children and keeping the home, but now has less time do it as she's also at work all day. It's then become unbalanced, and she's drowning. When she does eventually have more time for herself, she starts to get her life back, and this either makes or breaks a relationship. Likelihood is that they have grown apart, she does her thing and he does his. Some, of course, are lucky enough to embrace their time together and start a new phase of their relationship.
I would imagine this is very simular in same sex couples too, unless they really do have a 50/50 split on everything even if children come along, which seems unrealistic to me.

We don't live in a dream world, there are no perfect people out there. Some people simply arent compatible. The main thing is communication, respect and kindness. And some really are lucky enough to find a best friend that they can't keep their hands off of! That, for me, is a great reason.

Thats an interesting quote. Sometimes i feel we might meet someone who is a best friend and another we can't keep our hands off. I agree family may influence how someone behaves but cant be an excuse. Men are socialised to mostly bottle up their feelings and not be emotional. There are of course exceptions and I agree individual personality characteristics matter more. 

Im sure the above issues also happen in same sex relationships. There is that concept of lesbian bed death but maybe more equal distribution of housework as one of the articles suggested. It might not be a 50/50 split but it was higher than in heterosexual relationships in the studies they had. It might not be representative though.  Then again it depends on the individual. Some individuals are compatible and others are not.  Communication, respect and kindness are important. Hope we all find people who can be best friends and someone we can't keep hands off.

I have found my experiences of heterosexual and homosexual interactions to be similar to what the articles suggested but it could be the individuals i came across. Then again i can't generalise.

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On 3/5/2019 at 4:03 PM, SophiaG said:

I was in an intense emotional relationship with a woman for some years, and now I'm dating a guy. I am definitely noticing the emotional stonewalling from him. It's disconcerting to me, and I wonder if it's because of socialization. He has told me it's not, but has indicated that he can't even identify his feelings when he feels them and this is why he gives me non-responses during emotional conversations. I find this, weird? Like, aren't you supposed to be able to identify your feelings when you feel them? 

 

 

There are also a lot of positives dating a guy which could be another post if someone wanted to do that.  I have noticed that in my interaction with most guys except a few gay ones. I think its probably socialisation and not being taught how to process emotions or talk about feelings. females gather and talk about emotions but guys not as much when they are together. They might not know what words to use for them. There probably is a limit to how much you want to talk about emotions and excess of anything could be a bad thing

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6 hours ago, Rani said:

 

I dont see the entire world as hostile but im sure after a gay bashing no one will expect everyone to be happy and accept the situation. Or see the world the same way again. You realise my gf's finger was fractured. The woman who did this would never be caught but has left my gf with a fracture obviously it will have an effect on me. 

I was giving an example of what someone posted here. I am fine with people posting about threesomes or seeking them. 

I dont always mention race in all my comments but this was also a racist attack i faced in real life so yes i will mention it. And the example of the comment i mentioned also mentioned race . I made that comment to the person i was replying to share my experience and not because I want to judge everyone. 

You may think you may have more restrictions and maybe you do. Maybe you don't. Its hard to express in words everyone's situation. Not sure you know how hard it is to be muslim and gay and what struggles my gf goes through and what i go through being her partner. Do you know in her city 600 parents , many of her background, are protesting outside a school to ban lgbt inclusion in a secular school. Do you know what its like to be muslim or south asian and gay/bi? If you dont then listen to the experiences of others . I dont know what its like to be greek and married so i am glad and happy to hear your experiences. 

You dont know anything about that part of my life so i would appreciate comparisons not being made. I suggest you listen and not assume things. Yes i am trying to accept being my colour/race and being lgbt and its not always easy. Im not saying your life is easy so please dont try to find comparisons. 

I wish you could see things from my perspective and not keep minimising the experiences of people who are different.  Its not a competition of who has a more restrictive life. I could also be facing marriage pressure. Im not giving up either being gay or racist bashed and i wish i could feel more support. But when people minimise the experience of others or make it a comparison it doesnt help either. 

Despite criticisms of what i write i will continue to write and express my views whether people want to actively listen or not

Friendly R 

I don't see Kairi's post to you as her not listening and assuming things about your life. It looks to me like her post has actually been written because she is listening to what you write about your life and your experiences. I think she is trying to make you see that you could try and focus on the positives, rather than all the negatives, around your sexuality and other issues you may be facing. 

The situation where you and your girlfriend suffered homophobic abuse and assault is inexcusable, and no one is saying otherwise. Unfortunately homophobia exists and probably always will do, and I'm sure anyone who has been in a same sex relationship has experienced it at some point in their lives, I know I have. It's what we do with those experiences and our thoughts around them, that matters the most. It's not healthy to dwell on them and to let it continue to affect you negatively. Luckily the majority of people aren't like that, however if you remain in a relationship with a woman, you will probably be subject to some homophobia in the future. It's not right and I would say its alot less tolerated nowadays, but that's the world we live in, and like I said it's how you deal with it that matters the most. 

She is not making comparisons about your life, she is mearly pointing out that lots of women have difficult situations to deal with, and that it's our attitudes around our own problems that is important. The similarity here is that you both have difficulties within your lives, but how you deal with them is different. If you're always focused on the negative, it'll be hard for you to ever be happy and comfortable with who you are. I also don't see how she has minimised your experiences. Don't always feel that people are out to get you, when in fact they're trying to be supportive by showing you you're not alone, and trying to make you see what an affect it can have when you focus on the positive. 

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I'm going to hijack this post because I can. Yes:headbonk:.

But, @Storm9 I like your signature message there "It's always darkest just before dawn." Much, much better and uplifting than my negative thoughts today of "there's always a perfect storm behind the calm gray clouds."  Soooo, thank you. :love0030:

 

(By the title, I thought we're talking about "greatness" here. It appears not. hehehe. Don't mind me, ladies. I'm being cheeky Blue. Take it easy, though.:music:

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14 hours ago, blueberry said:

I'm going to hijack this post because I can. Yes:headbonk:.

But, @Storm9 I like your signature message there "It's always darkest just before dawn." Much, much better and uplifting than my negative thoughts today of "there's always a perfect storm behind the calm gray clouds."  Soooo, thank you. :love0030:

 

(By the title, I thought we're talking about "greatness" here. It appears not. hehehe. Don't mind me, ladies. I'm being cheeky Blue. Take it easy, though.:music:

The randomness of your post made me laugh. :lol:That line is actually from a song I love, which is weirdly related to this post as its about bullying/harassment/suicide for LGBT youth. Not to put a downer on things, lol. Anyway I love the lyrics and especially the line

"it's always darkest just before the dawn, so stay awake with me, let's prove them wrong" 

And yes the content of the post differs a little from the title! Maybe we can change the tone and focus on how great relationships with women really are!! 

 

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@Rani  You know how much I care about you. I was horrified to hear about the attack on you and your girlfriend. It was terrible. I know because I've seen the photos. It was worse because it was both racist and homophobic. I can't imagine what it was like to go through something like that.

Please remember that people are on your side and you have friends that care about you. I know that it's difficult but please try and focus on all the good things in your life. You have so much going for you. A brilliant job, a girlfriend who loves you, friends, your family. So many positive things. Don't let this awful thing that happened to you define your life. If you let it, then that evil woman has won.

You're such a funny and giving person. Please keep being like that! Because when you are, it's wonderful to see. 

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