prettybutsilly

Depression - You Are Not Alone

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Hi, I have been taking fluoxetine for about 3 months now for anxiety and depression. It's something I've always felt but it's never really got in the way of my life before. Most people have no idea about this.

 

Anyway, lately I've been feeling ridiculously tired. And I don't think the medication is working. I plan to go back to my GP next week.

 

I don't really know where I'm going with this but I just wondered if there was anyone else feeling the same way?

 

xxx

Edited by Jaguar
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I did take that for 2 weeks once (stupid doctor) then went on citalopram (a different AD) for about 3months.

 

I think it did make me tired to start with so I started taking them at dinner time so the sleepiness kicked in by bed time and didn't bother me. Stick with it, they take about 3 moths to settle and work. Also try to do things that help generally and not rely on the medication.

 

I found just getting outside or even opening the windows helped, always opening teh curtains and hugging the person I love helped too. I found that other peoples suggestions didn't always work and just had to find what helped me. Try to keep the basics of your life ticking over and do stuff that actually engages you.

 

Good luck with it and let me know if you want to talk more

 

**hugs**

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hi

Ive also been on fluoxetine since June. i take 40mg daily (used to be on 20 but was increased)

 

Ive found several side effects including tiredness, restlessness, aching, feeling sick

 

The tablets will numb the pain while you sort through any difficulties, but they wont take problems away.

 

are you getting any other help as well as the tabs?

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hi

Sorry to hear the councilor wasnt for you, there is many other forms of help and theopy out there so maybe worth a chat to your doc

 

These are the only tabs Ive been on and I can symathise totally with the sucidal thoughts and the bad dreams. Both of which are normal side effects for these tablets.

 

When I went to the doc he told me something Ive read alot and thats the tablets will help numb the pain while you get other areas sorted. So they wont take problems away, they will just help support you while you get the correct help for you.

 

Please dont just come off them, these needs to be done carefully and gradly with the docs support. By just coming off them you will crash.

 

 

some bits ive just found on the internet

 

"Antidepressants may cause the amount of sodium in the blood to drop - a condition called hyponatraemia. This can cause symptoms such as drowsiness, confusion, muscle twitching or convulsions. Elderly people may be particularly susceptible to this effect. You should consult your doctor if you develop any of these symptoms while taking this medicine, so that your blood sodium level can be checked if necessary"

 

"Depression and other psychiatric illnesses are associated with an increased risk of suicidal thoughts, self-harm, and suicide. You should be aware that this medicine may not start to make you feel better for at least two to four weeks. However, it is important that you keep taking it in order for it to work properly and for you to feel better. If you feel your depression or anxiety has got worse, or if you have any distressing thoughts, or feelings about suicide or harming yourself in these first few weeks, or indeed at any point during treatment or after stopping treatment, then it is very important to talk to your doctor. "

 

"side effects can include:

Headache.

Dry mouth.

Difficulty in sleeping (insomnia).

Fatigue.

Sweating.

Disturbances of the gut such as diarrhoea, constipation, nausea, vomiting or abdominal pain.

Visual disturbances.

Dizziness.

Seizures.

Hair loss (alopecia).

Sexual problems.

Decreased appetite and weight loss.

Anxiety and agitation.

Small purplish blood spots in the skin (ecchymoses).

Pain in the muscles and joints.

Allergic reactions such as itchy, blistering skin rash (urticaria) or swelling of the lips, tongue and throat (angioedema)."

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Never experienced depression but have witnessed it. My other half suffers from recurrent depression. I feel so useless when he's going through it.

 

I hope you get better soon

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I suffer from depression

 

I was advised to take tablets (cant remember what they were called) for 6 months

 

So i tried them

 

For about 3 or 4 weeks i was like a zombie

 

I was there in body, but not in mind

 

Most of the time things were just a blur........

 

Once they kicked in, i started to feel a little 'normal' again

 

Ive gone up a dose from time to time

 

And even tried to come off them (without the doctors consent) BIG MISTAKE!!!

 

I was a psycho (i supose i still am, if you ask my friends. lol)

 

 

Crying, for no reason......

 

Biting peoples heads off, for no reason........

 

Always tired........

 

It was a nightmare!

 

 

Im back on them again,

 

Normality has set back in.

 

Ive now been on them for 12 years

 

If I hadnt, I wouldnt be writing this now?

 

They're perscribed for a reason

 

That reason saved my life..............?

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I was seeing a counsellor at the uni but I didn't find it very helpful to be honest. I went for about a month or so and I must be really good at hiding my feelings because she said to me that I didn't have to go ever week anymore as I was getting better.

 

I'd told her the session before that I thought the pills were making me feel suicidal. I said that I wasn't planning on doing anything but was getting these vivid 'fantasies' about doing it. She practically dismissed this which I didn't like as it wasn't an easy thing for me to say.

 

So I cancelled my appointment and haven't been back.

 

I woke up exhausted this morning and covered in sweat. I had horrible dreams back to back.

 

I think I might be better coming off them. At least before I still had enough energy to go the gym and wasn't craving junk food constantly!

 

Are they the only tablets you've tried or have you been on others?

 

xxx

I just had to say that the counsellor you have seen sounds like the worst ever i am training to be a counsellor and by law you dont even need qualifications so dont give up but ask to see someone else and check their experience and qualifications, no counsellor should ever tell you that you are better because its up to you to make that decision also this perosn obviously isnt listening to you and doesnt know how to deal with your needs.

 

All my hugs are coming your way i have fought depression over the years since a child and its awful i never used medication though i found other ways to find my way out. Hope you find a better way of heloing yourself soon please dont give up on counselling you just have to find the right person who is skilled enough to help you find your way.

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ok, the tiredness i can relate to, and the nightmares

 

basically, i advise going back to your doctor, and if you want to keep taking the tablets, maybe think about trying new ones but with regular check-ups - it is the suicidal thoughts bit that worries me too - these I am sure are a reaction to the drugs and you need to sort this out -

 

it is really important, though, to think about the nightmares and any recurrant themes, cos they could be the key to you sorting out the things that need sorted - it is like your subconscious telling you what issues are causing you anxiety and that these are the areas you need to look at making positive changes in your life.

 

I did come off antidepressants cold turkey cos i hated what they were doing to me, and it did have a very awful impact - but if you have friend/s or someone who is trustworthy and reliable, make sure they are around when you do come off the drugs, so they can give you the support you need.... after coming off them, within a week i was feeling alive again and enjoying life again and i have managed to sort a lot of stuff out with a clear head instead of being unable to think and suffering a fuzzy head.

 

look for another counsellor, or even better, a therapist - see if your doctor can prescribe one for you - therapists can get to the root of the issue and help you to reprogramme your thinking patterns so you don't get into the same downwards spiral every time -

 

az xxx

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I have battle different degrees of depression for years. Outside factors do definately effect it. I've been on Zoloft and Prozac before and, to me, they seemed to help a lot. My hubby says differently. He said that it seemed to make me a zombie and that I didn't do anything more than I did before I was on meds. I disagree.

 

Anyway, I am no longer on meds. Have been off them for years because I couldn't afford them. When I started seeing a Behavioral Therapist she wanted to start me back on meds at the low dose and slowly up it till we reached a place I was comfortable at. She couldn't give me the script so she sent me to my doctor to get them. He told me that he didn't think that I needed to be on them and that it was something else physically that was causing me to feel the way I feel.

 

So, here I am dealing with my emotions the best I can by myself. It is hard some days and when I get really upset at something I do tend to let my mind wander towards suicide. My home life isn't the best. Financially and physically (intimacy). It's just really hard, sometimes. :)

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I have suffered from depression and anxiety, but I have never taken medication. Not because they were not offered, but I found therapy to be more beneficial and I hate swallowing pills.

 

Yet, I know from friends that need, and I do mean need, depression medication often complain that the primary side effect is general malaise or tiredness. This usually goes away within 2-3 months because your body needs to adjust. Give it more time or change the dosage, maybe talk to your doctor about a lower dosage. But, in the meantime, take your medication, that is not something you want to mess with, particularly if you need them.

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I have suffered from depression/anxiety for most of my life. In my case antidepressants have always made me worse and I was told I'm hypersensitive to them.

 

Luckily I manage it..... but there are days when I just don't be around people for their sake!!

 

I have fibromyalgia so deal with a lot of pain. I was told the depression is a part of the fibro in my case.

 

If anyone needs to talk or needs an ear then I'm here xxxx I know what it's like and I'm very understasnding xx

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Hi ... over the years that I've been on Shy's there's has been a lot of conversations about depression and it's occurred to me that the thoughts that get turned into typed conversations maybe the tip of the ice berg. There are likely to be those who feel for whatever reason that they cannot tell anyone, ever here. So this thread is about helping people see they are not alone ... and maybe some useful thoughts along the way ... but I think the first step is recognising the problem and being able to tell someone about it ....

 

Here is one of the best self assessment tools on the web for depression

 

Goldberg Depression Questionnaire

 

Personally I've had bouts of major depression, the first when I was a child of about 2 or 3 and from there I think I lived with mild depression untill I was about 17 when it got worse and it stayed bad for about 5 years ... for 2 years of that I was under the care of a psychiatrist and one year was spent in a psychiatric day hospital. Sine then I have almost always been on the path of finding how to like me (which I do) and not get depressed again (which I achieved, to a greater of lesser degree depending on life situations). Right now according to the scale I'm borderline mildly depressed and I can pinpoint the reasons for this which makes me aware of where my choices and options are and this gives me some choice and control ... all of which helps and is good ...

 

that's my story ... what's yours ?

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I am certainly no stranger to this, although I have never really had what i consider to be a problem with depression, i think actually i was suffering from depression for a while without realising it... it was never a problem cos i was never aware of it, but actually it might have been there for a long time without me really realising.

 

I had a pretty awful time as a kid - starts the story off, esteem issues of a major degree, inferiority complex, anxiety, absolute misery - good way to start life.. but i have this instinctive positive thinking, even though i struggle with the effects of all the complexes, they are like invisible boudaries that sometimes i don't even know are there cos i am not aware of the possibilities outside of them - i live in a closed box, within my comfort zone, find ways to keep going, to feel good - and what i have been through recently is basically breaking those walls down and facing my fears in order to walk free and become fully functional emotionally, and to benefit from better esteem, better confidence, and not be crippled by anxiety all the time... but the process of doing this has taken me to the edge - thankfully i think i am now out the other side and i feel better about me and life than i ever have before...

 

I know I went through a really bad phase in my late 20s, when i was ill and off work for four months, and though the illness was real (glandular fever) i know the underlying thing was stress and depression, and it took me a year to kick me out of that - I had had a really tough time at work, and it had taken its toll... I also had bouts all through my 20s of really low times, which i treated with alcohol, several bottles of home made wine in the space of a few hours and seriously drinking myself into fits of wailing, crying and eventually inability even to crawl across the floor, blackouts, throwing up, all this nonsense coming out of my head but being too drunk to actually deal with it - all in the privacy of my own home.. but hell, it never seemed that bad at the time, writing it now, it looks scary!

 

I know I also went through a very bad phase around the time I moved to switzerland, early 30s, and my marriage was over even tho together, 6 years of dysfunctional marriage- my dh was suffering from depression, and my own life was pretty awful, alone in a foreign country, baby of 16months, no french i could use to have a conversation beyond telling my name, and a dh who was really worse than not there at all - well, he functioned on a practical level, but emotionally, physically he wasn't there, and i think i wasn't either, and yet we just got on with the daily routine of not loving each other - this was a spiral which went downwards over three years, continued into the pregnancy with my son, and was really pushed to the limits by having to move country again, with 5 week old baby, and get my daughter settled int oschool find a support network for myself, and start all over again, with a non-communicative dh - included was my adoption thing, which had just come to light, trying to find my birth mother, unsuccessfully - and then the following year another house move, starting all over again - how many times in my life have i packed up boxes and moved house? 6 in 14 years... and then my birthmother died, and it really started something big which i am just coming out of - so from february 2006 until now i have been struggling, my world, identity, life, goals, self image turned upside down - it has been a crazy time, and at times i have been so low i could have just walked out the door and never come back, but thankfully my rational brain always manages to kick in and keep me on the right side of the line, find me someone who can help - like shy's, like therapy, like friends..

 

i have had some long term emotional issues going back to my childhood, and have never really dealt with them until the past two years - i found last year particularly difficult, cos to change one's life around, start from scratch, two kids, new job, it was a challenging year, add also one very intense relationship last year which went very wrong, through no fault of my gf - she has major emotional issues too and can't be held responsible really for having her basic survival instincts kicking in - so in June last year i found myself deeper in depression than ever before - scared me -

 

i did therapy again, including hypnotherapy, but nothing really made a difference, i was out of control, and was diagnosed with major clinical depression, and put on anti depressants, but actually my reaction to them was really bad - i am not being dramatic in saying they took me close to suicide, not cos i want to kill myself, but cos they messed up my head so badly that was where the reaction was taking me - they put me into a really bad mental place, huge anxiety, recurrent nightmares, overwhelmingly morbid thoughts, stuff that was really awful, but i guess my survival instinct kicked in cos off i went looking for friends and they held me together, even if they were not fully aware of what i was going through, and eventually i ended up back at a psychiatrist, who was seriously concerned for my safety - it was a very very bad weekend, and i have two very good friends here on shy's who chatted to me for a long time online when i was really in the depths of some strange chemical inbalance, and thank god they were there

 

so, i took myself off the drugs, which was tough too, cos they also messed up my head coming out of my system, another really bad weekend, and again friends who got me through it..

 

since then, actually, something weird has happened - i feel like the walls that have enclosed my life are melting away, the anxieties i was crippled by are fading, my self image is a million times more positive, my outlook on life, on my own abilities to deal with life, and my ability to be happy, are all so much better - how it happened, i am not sure, but something dramatic changed in my head this summer - i still have a way to go, i think, but it is like when you have been on a long and difficult journey and suddenly you see the home straight, still a lot of walking to go, but you know it is good walking, forwards and positive.. another analogy is like i have lived all my life under cloud, and i just got so used to it i never thought there was any alternative, and suddenly i find the sky is clearing, sunny days, that song "I can see clearly now" and all - the clouds come back some days, but generally the prevailing climate is much more sunny...

 

I think, the one thing that has kept me going is my ability to rationalise, in order to find control, to know i am down, and to find ways to deal with it - not just drugs, but strategies to find the causes, and to deal with them - not always easy when crippled by anxiety - therapy has certainly been a major help - and it has been a process over two years of therapy, reflection, re evaluation, new therapy, new challenges - I really don't know what made the difference recently, but something changed -

 

so, depression, no, you are not alone, and yes, there is a way forwards, difficult process maybe, to decontruct and reconstruct, but worth it in the long run in terms of getting out of the cycle..

 

az xxx

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I have fought with pain/depression/anxiety all my life.

 

Mine started when I had major pain problems at the age of 12. I was rushed into hospital several times with severe "electric shock" type pain on the right lower side of my abdomen. All the usual checks were done and appendicitis ruled out and I was sent home with pain killers, none of which worked!

 

Over the years, through my teenage I lived in fear of these painful attacks because no doctor could figure out what was causing them and therefore no medication or treatment could be given to stop them. I saw several specialists for various parts of my body in that area but each test I had showed nothing up!

 

I used to think I was crazy and totally alone with this pain. It was like no other pain and I could only describe it as "lightening" or someone touching me with electric wires and shocking me!

 

I got my job as a wages clerk in 1987 and at this time I was suffering from anxiety and the depression used to kick in as usual, totally unexpected and out of my control. I used to get so fatigued too and this made the depression worse. I went on holiday with my dh in 1988 and had a wonderful time but when I got back I was so exhausted I plummeted into another depression that ended up making me have 3 months off work. I was given drugs for anxiety but I had no idea why I felt this way. I was 18, was with a great guy and had a great job!!

 

I married in 1990 and at the age of 21 was pregnant with my son. When I was in the latter stages of my pregnancy I began to get my "pain" so bad I was terrified!! I couldn't deal with this pain along with pregnancy too! I was taken into hospital and they were baffled as to what was causing the pain. Then, one nurse actually listened to me when I said "this feels like nerve pain"... she said it sounded like nerve pain. I told her I'd been given several diagnosis from different specialists, none of which made any sense. So after I had my son I had MRI scans and was told by a neurologist that I had damaged nerves in my abdominal wall.

 

So finally I was getting answers. However at this time I was getting a whole multitude of other horrible pain symptoms and syndromes and panic attacks and depression was always there. Fatigue was becoming overhwelming. I had migraines that made me lose the ability to speak for about an hour at a time and doctors were concerned as to how bad these were so I was sent to a neurologist for tests again. Eventually I was sent to a pain management clinic and was given block injections for the abdominal wall pain and had to give up my job (which I loved) in 1995.

 

Since leaving work, I began to suffer more with depression and sometimes extremely badly.. but each time I've been given anti-depressants I was worse!! Then trying to get off them made me even worse!! I was also put on neuropathic pain medication which completely zombified me but didn't shift the pain. I felt socially isolated and began to worry about my mental state as I became more and more withdrawn.

 

In 1999 my pain had settled again so I took up studying. I wanted to learn more about health and neurons so I could understand more of what doctors were trying to tell me. I did a GCSE human biology course and followed it up with an A level. At this time though, pain was beginning to hit my legs worse than ever. I was suddenly getting more and more tired again and muscular pain in my back was causing spasms too. Up until my mid 30s more and more symptoms were coming to the fore and I literally thought I was losing my mind. I had burning mouth, Gyno probs, irregular heart rhythm and the pain in my legs was making it difficult for me to sit down! It was only until I saw a different doctor at the pain clinic and cried my heart out that he said I had a classic reaction in my system to damaged nerves. It was a type of fibromyalgia that I had. he actually told ME my symptoms. Finally I realised I wasn't going crazy!!!!! He told me I was hypersensitive to antidepressant drugs and the depression and anxiety was part of the fibromyalgia I had. He explained that when my body felt pain in response to touch (allodynia) that this was all part of it too.

 

I've accepted that pain and depression for me this is something I have to deal with, and will probably always be part of my life. I'm now doing a degree (part time) and the open university has been fantastic in helping me regarding my health issues (I can't sit at a desktop PC for more than 5 minutes so they helped me get a laptop so I can sit on a recliner chair or on the bed to study)

 

I get dark cloud times (one particularly bad spell last year too) but I've learned these are a part of me and I try to focus on the studies, on flat, short walks, and most of all my keyboard/piano (short spells due to pain in my legs sitting on the stool) and I try to remind myself that I'm alive and there are people out there who are terminally ill who would gladly exchange places with me. It's tough but I get flare ups and times when things settle for a while.

 

At the moment I'm in a good place I guess. I use humour a lot to get me through things. As part of this degree I did a little studying on gelotology which is the study of laughter and it's effects on the human body. It certainly helps!

 

Sorry this post was very long but I just wanted to give you my story so that others will surely know they're not alone in dealing with depressive illness and pain.

 

xxxx

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It's strange how you don't realize how many people are going through similar things as you, until you actually start to talk about it!

 

I had my first major depressive episode when I was 29. My symptoms began to manifest themselves at work. I had a "great" job for a large company. I was successful, making good money, had the respect of my superiors and colleagues. I was working on large, high-profile accounts. I felt like I should be happy. But I wasn't. I was miserable. I invested so much of myself in my job. But then I would go home crying every day. My husband hated seeing me so unhappy and encouraged me to quit my job. But I felt guilty for not being happy with what I had. And I felt trapped. Not only because I didn't want my husband to bear the entire financial burden for us, but also because I didn't know where else to go or what else to do. I felt like I had no other options. This was the only career I had ever known. I was beginning to realize how wrong it was for me, that I had made career decisions that didn't fit with who I was as a person. And yet, I didn't know how to get out. I felt too old to make a change. I thought, how can someone my age quit their job and go back to school? I have a mortgage to worry about. And so I went to work every day and poured everything I had into a job that was killing my very soul. I did this to the point where I made myself sick. I could no longer function at work the way I used to. I used to manage several projects simultaneously. Now, even small things were making me feel overwhelmed. One day, after a routine call with an upset client, I felt the feelings of being overwhelmed consume me again. I left the office to go for a walk. I called my husband and burst into tears. I knew he was afraid for me. He convinced me to call my doctor. I did so right then. I even cried to the receptionist who answered the phone. I guess this concerned her as well, because I was able to see a doctor first thing the next morning. In that visit, she told me she thought I was depressed. She prescribed me medication right away. I didn't go back to work that day. I took, what I thought would be, a short leave of absence. This led to short-term disability and then to long-term disability. I haven't been back to work in over 2 years.

 

Even writing that - 2 years! - amazes me. I feel embarrased, guilty, ashamed. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it.

 

Since then, I was formally diagnosed with major clinical depression. My GP referred me to a psychiatrist and a therapist. The therapy and plenty of self-reflection were very helpful. I came to realize so much about myself that I never really allowed myself to explore. My psychiatrist diagnosed me with Dysthymic Depression - which is a lower grade depression that I've had for most of my life - in addition to the new Major Depressive state. Suddenly, everything was making sense: the esteem issues, feelings of self-hate, hopelessness. I had felt this way for so long, that this was my normal mood. I didn`t know what it was like NOT to feel this way.

 

But the therapy and self-reflection have allowed me to analyze my life, the decisions I`ve made and why I made them. I have spent the last year trying to start over. Working on changing careers by going back to school has been a big part of that. But along the way my marriage ended. The man who had been my best friend for more than 10 years and my husband for 4 years was gone. Naturally, this set me back somewhat. And then there`s the battle with medication. The drugs seemed to help a little at first. But then it plateaued and I stopped improving. After a year of being on meds I decided to stop taking them (with my doc`s consent). At first, it didn`t seem to make much difference. And my family was so happy I was no longer relying on drugs. But after a few months, I started to spiral downwards at a scary rate. Thankfully, I recognized it and sought help from my psychiatrist. He put me back on anti-depressants, but we tried a new one. What a difference! At first, I was ashamed that I had to go back on meds and didn`t tell my family. It felt like another failure on my part. But I needed their support, so eventually told them. Now, I see how much they are helping, so why should I feel guilty about that!!

 

Anyway, it`s still a daily battle. I have good days and bad days. I`m still not working. But I am now in the process of looking for a job in an entirely new field. I am still taking classes. I have accepted my bi-sexuality. So, we just plug along, one day at a time.

 

Sorry this was so long. I had no idea how much would pour out of me. Thanks for the opportunity. It`s nice to know I`m not alone.

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Depression is something I've had to deal with for years. The earliest I recall call it was probably almost ten years ago, when I was in my junior year of high school. I'm pretty sure I'd had times dealing with depression prior to then, but the time I recall mostly was in high school.

 

I just suddenly gotten so depressed. I don't even remember how it came on, I just know I was really depressed. It was horrible. I wasn't taking care of myself as I should, and there was this jacket I always wore...it was like my security blanket or something. I did all my work for school, but I hardly ever raised my hand in class. Inside everything just felt...empty, or just really painful. I started hurting myself. I've seen counselors and been on medications, then I would take myself off of them. Off and on that went, and sometimes I'd feel better, and then I'd feel down again.

 

Right now I'm on no medication and haven't been seeing anyone, but I plan to try and change that as I've been so depressed this past month or so again. I took that test that was posted here and got a rating of severly depressed. I hope it'll work. I hate feeling like this.

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I am so glad I am not alone. I haven't gone into work today because I am depressed (I told them it was my asthma). I started crying uncontrolably in the shower after waking up and continued until I had no more tears and a huge headache. I did the test above and it rates me as severly depressed, which of course doesn't help.

 

The problem is that I feel so alone and isolated. I don't feel I have anybody to talk to in RL, I don't want to get anybody else down and they have their own lives/problems to deal with. The last thing they want is me ringing up in a mess. I have never felt I can talk to those who are close to me because I have alway had to deal with things on my own so reaching out to somebody is an alien concept to me. I am even scared of telling my doctor.

 

I think it's a mixture of a whole lot of things, my sexuality, my brother wanting to kill himself due to various issues in his life, my workplace is a place where I am bullied (verbally) and being the only female there is hard, my weight is getting out of control and that is making me feel fat and ugly. I could go on but i'd bore you to death.

 

How on earth do you start to heal yourself though?

Edited by Dixie Chick
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I could just literally copy/paste so much from the previous posts and it could easily be my story.

Short version: Depression rooted in my childhood but built up over many years for various reasons (moving country one too many times, sexuality, career changes) and it being present for a long time without me realizing until the moment I collapsed. Was physically sick for a few months, which was real, but primarily triggered by the underlying depression/anxiety I’m sure. And then the full-blown panic and anxiety attacks came and I lost myself. I didn’t recognise this person on the couch, in foetus position, crying, shaking, in pain, trying to hold on for dear life. I was on the most slippery slope I have ever been on in my life and just breathing took most of my energy. It felt like I was walking on ice, drugged and drunk, and was about to fall flat on my face with every step I took. I had lots of neurological symptoms (like waking up in the middle of the night with one side of my body completely numb). I wasn’t functioning anymore. I had shut down completely. I needed help. So I went to the GP, who very pleasantly ask me whether I was depressed; I was in such a state that I couldn’t even answers that question. I just sat there, staring and the next thing I know I hear her saying she only has ten minutes and “I am wasting her time”. That was enough to send me over the edge or so I thought… My survival instinct kicked in and I reached out. I made an appointment with the counsellor at work (6 week waiting list – only went once!), called up friends and booked tickets to visit them and then I did something not very much in character at all …I joined a complete group of strangers for a weekly pub quiz. LOL. I still remember the first time I went; I had to talk myself over to the pub down the road, taking it step by step. I was in very bad shape, shaking, in physical pain and the only thing I could think was…I need to have fun and try to answer these damn questions! Afterwards one of the group told me that when she met me she thought I was a very happy, cheerful person, said I had this smile on my face that said ‘it takes a lot to get me down’! How’s that for keeping up appearances, I think I deserved an Oscar for that! Or was she just crap at reading people? LOL

Anyway, for me it was my RL friends (brand new ones and old ones) and writing that pulled me through. (None of them know any of the specifics of what went on however because I’m crap at sharing, I didn’t even give the counsellor anything decent to work with.) Writing makes my thoughts and feelings more real but also allows me to analyze and rationalize without putting it all out there. In the past, the writing was for my eyes only, but since I have discovered Shy, I have shared just a bit. It’s still scary, but it feels good!

I am eternally grateful for all of that! I am still recovering and only in the last few months have I been able to work on myself. And things are certainly looking up. I came out of this episode a lot stronger…My healing started with me realizing that I might actually be worth it and that I can be proud of me…

Well, this definitely was not a short version. Apologies for that.

So no, you are absolutely not alone!

:dribble:

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So many bad stories. It's nice to know i'm not alone, but i wish others didnt suffer with it as well.

 

I don't even know where to start. I started having issues with depression that seemed to coexist with my mom's ongoing alcoholism. I remember trying to hide the booz bottles from her, and she would run after me screaming and saying it was just chocolate milk. I was 12, but not an idiot. My mom would go through men like water, and my father (who i didn't live with) would have insane violent spells where he would abrasively cry around me, or scream. Or he would start talking to himself, so it was hard to be around him. The depression showed up more in my pre-teens. My mom moved in with an old "flame" that she had seen again in one of the AA rooms. Why she decided it was a good idea to hook up with another recovering alcoholic is anyones guess.

 

We went through alot of back and forth hell. She would say and do things that would make me snap. I didn't have very good coping skills back then, so i would act out mostly through breaking my stuff or self mutilation. I would cry alone, wondering why i was even alive. The rest of my family ignored our issues because they all had their husbands and church, we were kinda the black sheep of the family. I didn't have many friends at that point either, so i literally felt alone.

 

I spent most of my teenage years in mental hospitals. Sometimes for 7 months at a time. Some of the experiences of being hospitalized were troublesome, some not so bad. But that was on the children's unit. The adult ward was another thing entirely. I had been on some mixed units that were horrible, the workers were half assed abusive motherf#*&ers that didn't care about anyone. Some would accuse me of doing things i never did just so they could inject me with needles and tie me up. I had an allergic reaction to one medication which caused me to hallucinate. The workers response? to give me even more medication to shut me up. I would spend days vegetating, not even knowing where i was or even who i was because of the drugs.

 

In 2003 i was sent to an adult ward. I don't want to say much about it other then i was raped there by a worker. And no one seemed to give a shit. My mother used most of the money from the rape case on herself, another reason why its so hard for me to let go.

 

For a while i ignored my past, and set to have a "normal" life. Or as normal as i could have. I had no choice but to move from my mothers house. She again brought a man into our lives that she obsessed about, and would throw power trips over me and begin to insult me over and over. I just couldn't take it, so i left. I asked a friend to watch my dog, and went to live with my boyfriend and his mom. I found a job and we both worked and saved up money for an apartment.

 

I feel bad for my dog being bounced around so much, but i always bought her food and checked up on her frequently to make sure there were no problems. And now i have her now thankfully. For a while, things seems ok. We were beginning to be financially stable and alright. As time went on, work started to drain me, my anxiety started to get worse and worse. I would sneak into the bathroom so i could hyperventilate and cry my eyes out. I met some nice people there, and learned a few things. I even got a really good position as a pharmacy technician, i wanted it all to work out.

 

In may of this year, i snapped. I told them i had to leave because of school, but it was bullcrap. I tried to find a less stressful job working at OfficeMax as a cashier. But even that didn't work out. I soon went to the hospital for attempting suicide, and had to quit my job. I tried to hard, but just couldn't juggle it all. I never tried to get help for the abuse, and it all came flashing back. Now the anxiety is as worse than ever, and i cant seem to sleep at night.

 

I am going to therapy though, and i do hope to get over these fears and anger i have in me. And i hope getting new help for my medical condition will help my depression as well. It's always good to have help, and i am lucky to have my boyfriend and his family to back me up. Sometimes you find a new family, and angels to help you by your side. I just need to find the strength to eventually do it on my own for once. I hope i can.

Edited by AcridineOrange
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How on earth do you start to heal yourself though?

 

 

I think most of us ask ourselves that question Dixie. I think it's what makes you happy and doesnt invade with your health. Even if it seems silly to others, it really isnt. Like coming to Shy's is a great help. There is a great support system here, and writing helps you vent. I think that helps me heal a good bit.

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The problem is that I feel so alone and isolated. I don't feel I have anybody to talk to in RL, I don't want to get anybody else down and they have their own lives/problems to deal with. The last thing they want is me ringing up in a mess. I have never felt I can talk to those who are close to me because I have alway had to deal with things on my own so reaching out to somebody is an alien concept to me. I am even scared of telling my doctor.

 

I could go on but i'd bore you to death.

 

How on earth do you start to heal yourself though?

 

Hi Dixie Chick....I felt compelled to respond to this.

 

I know you feel alone. But as you can see by all these posts, you are definitely not alone in this. I know it's hard to reach out, but I think it's the best thing you can do for yourself. Telling us here on Shys is a great start. You say you don't have anyone in RL to talk to, but it sounds like you just don't want to bother anyone. But I think you would be surprised at how willing people will be to help...even if it's just to listen. The hardest part is taking that step to ask for help. Doctors are there to help. It's their job. They won't judge you. And if they can help you, then it's worth it. I'm not saying that going on meds will make everything better, but you need to do whatever you can to help yourself. Talking to people, seeing a doc about meds, going to a therapist, doing things that make you feel good. Feeling isolated is part of this illness, so reaching out is an important step. So I encourage you to try. And if you want to chat with someone who is going through something similar, please don't hesitate to message me. I know you don't know me, but sometimes it's easier to talk to someone you don't know.

 

Anyway, I hope this helps a little. These are just some of my thoughts on how you can start to heal yourself. You're worth it.

 

Good luck and all the best! Hang in there!!!

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Just wanted you all to know that I've read each and every one of your stories and wanted to give you all a HUGE hug!

 

Also, I don't mind if anyone PMs me if they're feeling a bit down and alone. I'm there for anyone, if I can help in any way at all. I truely understand what it's like.

 

xxxx Keep smiling! :hiya: xxxx

Edited by gandany
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I have been thinking about going to the doctors to

dicuss depression over the last few months.

My older sister had it when she was the same age as

me and after taking that quiz I think I may need to :ph34r:

 

Im just not sure about anything anymore,

just sick of feeling tired, lazy sad and useless

 

Thanks for the quiz

 

Kirsty

Xx

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Thank you for posting your stories .... keep them coming .... creating a place where others stories shows those who haven't posted but are worrying about the same issues have a space here to share with people who understand and care ...

 

Here after a surf is what seems to be a good resource ...

 

US Government National Institute Mental Health Publication 'Women and Depression'

 

This is a pdf 30 page document easily read and very useful ...

 

Here are the contents ..

 

What is depression? 2

What are the different forms of depression? 3

What are the basic symptoms of depression? 4

What causes depression in women? 5

What illnesses often coexist with

depression in women? 8

How does depression affect adolescent girls? 9

How does depression affect older women? 10

How is depression diagnosed and treated? 11

What efforts are underway to

improve treatment? 21

How can I help a friend or relative

who is depressed? 22

How can I help myself if I am depressed? 23

Where can I go for help? 24

What if I or someone I know is in crisis? 25

Citations 26

For more information 28

 

Hope it offers you things you can use ...

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