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Single Girls Who Could See Themselves Happy With A Long Term Committed Gf Relationship

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Adding to that, I'm pretty sure most people in most "free" societies (i.e. the Western world and other places where people are free to date and pick their own partners) are serial monogamists.

 

Really, if it were revealed with a certainty that Bi-identified women are less likely to seek a longterm relationship with a woman, it wouldn't surprise me, not because they don't deep down crave it or because they wouldn't end up loving it, but because of that point we talked about earlier in the thread: heternormativity and het privilege.

 

In a world of white knights, Disney princes and the princesses who seek them; a world where indulgently smiling adults coo at a 3-year old boy and girl, "Aww, is that your little girlfriend? Do you want to marry her/him?;" and where every TV commercial, billboard and magazine ad featuring a couple (of which the average person sees tens of thousands) displays a man-woman or boy-girl couple, we have been socialized to view hetero couplings as the standard for longterm,domstic partnerships.

 

In a sense, even in more liberal democratic countries, many Bi people have to actively de-program themselves from years of socialization to get to the point where they could picture their own sex as an equally viable option for a longterm domestic partner/spouse (as opposed to a less formal romantic and sexual relationship of uncertain duration).

 

 

Haaa I always grew up wanting to be the white Knight, but being I don't fit the mold I see myself more as the knight in slightly tarnished armor =) All those fairytales and ad do send a message many grow up wanting part of it's romanticized in our culture as well as girl on girl is sexualized that & many more reason add to the imbalance of personal options that really in noway is that different. From having dated both relationships are relationship & love is love it just takes being human & having the shared connection .

 

I told the girl I'm inlove with that she might id as 100% str8 (which is what she told our friend b4 we were 1st planning to hang), but I happen to know she has those feelings for me (I mean on vday she spent it w/ me not the boytoy she is dating) drinking & watching movies wearing the shirt I got her 4 her bday. Anyhow I know she flipped out when I told her how I felt, but deep down I know if I was a guy we would already be & that even though I'm not she still feels the same and just is very afraid which I don't blame her for she grew up a preachers daughter (who was very abusive to her 4 not living up to their belief system) so like it or not they put into her the visions of burning in hell & that somehow she's less of a person if she's not married baring children not to mention what else the fact there just never has been a girl say hey I love you & want to be with you. I scared the heck out of her even though I totally know she has been sexual with a woman before on the dl that I'm not supposed to know about (making her less then the girl who never had any curiousity like she claimed), but point is she is afraid to go there with me for really no reason as really not to be conceited or anything, but in the big picture I'm actually the person she prefers to spend her time w, that she counts on, that would give her everything she desires in a relationship hell I have been that person this whole time she can call it friendship all she likes, but I'm inlove with her & I know it's there between us cuz friends don't pretend to fall asleep just so they can have you spend the night over next to them, friends don't sing each other chessy pop love songs, friends don't try to get a kiss out of the other by teasing them with gummy worms, friends don't feel the need to spend vday together when 1 is dating another person, at least not any friend of mine that has no desire in them to be with me. i simply don't believe it or her, but I do feel it's a matter of her not being able to be comfortable now that I don't want to pretend it's our secret that we can keep from each other anymore. Something about me putting it out there felt like relief 4 me cuz in spite the fear of rejection & of her fears I know at least I'm being honest about my desires with her. I might lose her cuz she might not be able to accept it herself which I know she has been struggling with, but I know for a fact I made her really think of what if even if she's not ready to admit it to me.

 

Anyhow I totally believe she is bi & that if women & men were seen as equal dating choices with her having all these uncomfortable homophobic fears which I constantly see her go thur I totally believe we would have been dating from the beginning, but since it's a factor of life that it isn't she dates a guy that is complains doesn't give her the attention, show desire, isn't romantic, & ofcourse doesn't have the coolest mohawk like mine who really isn't her boyfriend or even having sex with her basically so she can say she is dating a guy while she has me her friend she rather spend her vday with that she knows would gladly give her all of that & then some, but she denies we have anything like that when obviously we both have put out enough hits for me to say hey that's really wack & in noway makes sense.

 

This is why I'm really trying to get an understanding of those who are just figuring out their sexuality as to those that are more in the middle of the Kinsey scale then myself on what they think about possible happiness in the kind of relationship I'm looking to have with her cuz I don't want to be her fling or sexual experiment or her gf on the side, but I know getting to that place where dating a girl like that is hard heck I told the 1st girl I was inlove with that I wasn't gay about 100times & I kept my feelings for her to myself even though her bfs & mine always asked why I wasn't dating her cuz face it she spelt in my bed & held my hand & was the 1 I had a real relationship with for years & they were our hetero here today gone tomorrow guys we kinda dated, but really didn't (heck most of them came out as gay 2 years later). Anyhow I will always regret that I never told my 1st love that I thought of her that way & was inlove with her & saw her as my gf, but it really took alot for me to be able to accept myself that i wasn't ever going to fit in with what was expected of me yet alone if I had more of a 50/50 attraction to men & women were there is more equal attraction involved or if I meet that 1 person that is everything to me, but the sex I expected myself to be with.

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Ive always been confident that I could be happy within a long term relationship with a woman.. its just ive never met the right woman, or Ive met them at the wrong time.. and men have got in the way first!

Im not sure monogomy is natural to me, I have to work pretty hard at it, but it is possible.. I wonder if Id find it easier with a woman.. or if its about being with the right kind of person for me, regardless of gender..

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All those fairytales and ad do send a message many grow up wanting part of it's romanticized in our culture as well as girl on girl is sexualized

 

Exactly so-- male-female is (hyper) romanticized; female-female is hypersexualized.

 

 

 

 

I told the girl I'm inlove with that she might id as 100% str8 (which is what she told our friend b4 we were 1st planning to hang), but I happen to know she has those feelings for me (I mean on vday she spent it w/ me not the boytoy she is dating) drinking & watching movies wearing the shirt I got her 4 her bday. Anyhow I know she flipped out when I told her how I felt, but deep down I know if I was a guy we would already be & that even though I'm not she still feels the same and just is very afraid which I don't blame her for she grew up a preachers daughter (who was very abusive to her 4 not living up to their belief system) so like it or not they put into her the visions of burning in hell & that somehow she's less of a person if she's not married baring children not to mention what else the fact there just never has been a girl say hey I love you & want to be with you. I scared the heck out of her even though I totally know she has been sexual with a woman before on the dl that I'm not supposed to know about (making her less then the girl who never had any curiousity like she claimed), but point is she is afraid to go there with me for really no reason as really not to be conceited or anything, but in the big picture I'm actually the person she prefers to spend her time w, that she counts on, that would give her everything she desires in a relationship hell I have been that person this whole time she can call it friendship all she likes, but I'm inlove with her & I know it's there between us cuz friends don't pretend to fall asleep just so they can have you spend the night over next to them, friends don't sing each other chessy pop love songs, friends don't try to get a kiss out of the other by teasing them with gummy worms, friends don't feel the need to spend vday together when 1 is dating another person, at least not any friend of mine that has no desire in them to be with me. i simply don't believe it or her, but I do feel it's a matter of her not being able to be comfortable now that I don't want to pretend it's our secret that we can keep from each other anymore. Something about me putting it out there felt like relief 4 me cuz in spite the fear of rejection & of her fears I know at least I'm being honest about my desires with her. I might lose her cuz she might not be able to accept it herself which I know she has been struggling with, but I know for a fact I made her really think of what if even if she's not ready to admit it to me.

 

 

Wow, I was so moved by your description of the love you share with your "friend." The details you provided brought a smile to my face and warmth in my heart, as it made me grasp the emotionally intimate nature of your relationship, in spite of her insistence that she is straight (or at least, "not gay enough" to be in a true romantic/domestic union with you).

 

At the same time, it's those very details that must cause you the most anguish; it is apparent that she has powerful feelings for you that are not quite the same as those shared by "friends," and yet neither of you can get the full benefit of those feelings because of her persistent shying away from the concept--clearly terrifying to her---of "being a lesbian" or "having a Relationship with a woman."

 

I am so sorry about this on your behalf.

Let me ask you this, though: what if she were able to admit to herself and to you "Yes, I am at the very least Bisexual, and I want a relationship with you," but she then caveats, "but I don't feel ready to be Out to XYZ." Would you still consider the relationship a lost cause, or would you be satisfied with her own private acknowledgment to herself and you?

& ofcourse doesn't have the coolest mohawk like mine

 

:lol: Go ahead with your mohwak, chica! Mohawks are often hot, but especially on women, IMO.

 

This is why I'm really trying to get an understanding of those who are just figuring out their sexuality as to those that are more in the middle of the Kinsey scale then myself on what they think about possible happiness in the kind of relationship I'm looking to have with her cuz I don't want to be her fling or sexual experiment or her gf on the side

 

 

I totally understand your interest in this subject. And I am interested to learn more about the things she has said (i.e. the outward reasoning for her denials) when you have pressed her on the subject. It would be interesting to know how she explains her own motivations, even if she may not be aware of the powerful socialization factors potentially at work beneath the surface.

 

I am also sorry to hear about how things went with your first love. You seem to fall for the still-uncertain ladies a lot, would you say?

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Completely off topic warning, but since I was asked

 

Let me ask you this, though: what if she were able to admit to herself and to you "Yes, I am at the very least Bisexual, and I want a relationship with you," but she then caveats, "but I don't feel ready to be Out to XYZ." Would you still consider the relationship a lost cause, or would you be satisfied with her own private acknowledgment to herself and you?

 

My relationship with her could never be a lost cause becuz she has meant to much & I have no intentions of letting her go be it as friends or not I am positive that we will get past the silent treatment we been giving each other now that I let the cat out of the bag, but I know she has expressed to our mutual friend how she has missed me & that she now talks nonstop to him about me so I am going to write her as even if she is now uncomfortable and confused that I have no expectations on her not even for her to admit feelings for me being anything more then the closest of female friendships becuz if that is it I'll take what I can get as many people don't have really great friendships in their life & i miss her dearly. However I do believe she has more then friendship feelings for me & that maybe in time if she can admit to herself & to me even better for her if nothing else. Though I don't think she is anywhere close to ready for a full on relationship with me & I'm not desiring any experimenting or open relationships (which basically is how I have seen our friendship as we are basically the closest to each other & we have always had other lovers of opposite sexes on the side) , but if she realized that she feels the same deep down for me & she does want to be my gf & me her & hers only then I wouldn't care how much time she would want to stay closeted about us so long as she was faithful to me & I knew that she was serious about coming to terms with her sexuality & our relationship. I have already invested a yr into what we have & even if we don't date love is love I'm not abandoning her not now not if I get a gf not if she wants to write a sign that she is 500% str8 & dating 20 guys in protest to try to prove something as that is what I feel has been happening, but it really hasn't changed our closeness or how much I adore her. Infact I think of us like the couple in the new Avril video cuz her hair used to look almost exactly like Avril's be4 she decided to go all goth & dye her hair my favorite colors to look more like the girls I go for--though she will not admit she totally changed her style over night just to fit in with my taste in women (though I adore her just the way she was)& is inside more then out, but out if drop dead beautiful I couldn't help but be attracted to her.

 

 

Anyhow he there chasing & she knows it. She wants to pretend she is not into him and all about whatever guy of the minute cuz she can & needs to prove she is independent ect ect, but in the end he is the guy for her that she wants to be with. That's just how I see us & while I don't want to be that guy that has got to chase her I think alot of it is for the fact I didn't tell her how I felt or chase her at all & wth has been my policy cuz I love her, but why chase a str8 girl when I got a dozen girl & guys that love kissing on me infront of her. So really it's gone full circle & maybe gonna take some chasing on my part for her to get I'm serious about her.

 

There is also 1 other factor & that is she might be str8 str8, but I'm not like most girls so I do look at times like the younger almost pretty edgy guys she goes for (latin, dark hair, dark eyes her fav) only I'm a woman in my 30s that is actually on her level with her wants that could man up to giving her what she wants that the 20something boys don't & by man up i mean take charge, be the aggressor, be the romancer ect..ect the role I always naturally take as a butch girl so alot of confusion is involved in that in many ways in many ways she sees I fit what she wants in a guy cuz that happens to be the kinda of girl I am. However oddly I think she is more attracted to female body's then she would like to admit, cuz when i dress more fem & reveling I notice she gets almost more sexually uncomfortable around me in almost flattering way. I really feel the tension whenever there is a scene on tv or in movies where a girl goes down on the other. I know that thought has crossed her mind with me even if I won't call her out on it, but maybe she is the kinda str8 girl that is attracted to androgyny & masculine engery. Johnny Depp is her dream guy after all. Sexuality can be so confusing ;P I see why we both don't know how to really deal with it. I normally only go for girls who are openly bi or gay, but I can't say I haven't fallen for a girl or had a long term relationship with a girl who ided as str8 when we meet. Sometimes it just happens.

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Exactly so-- male-female is (hyper) romanticized; female-female is hypersexualized.

Interesting point.. true to an extent, but I also find that a lot women have a very romantisised view of lesbian relationships.. of them being full of communication and nurturing and the sex being very soft and sensual.. Ive found these expectations to be equally unrealistic! sorry, a tad off topic!

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Interesting point.. true to an extent, but I also find that a lot women have a very romantisised view of lesbian relationships.. of them being full of communication and nurturing and the sex being very soft and sensual.. Ive found these expectations to be equally unrealistic! sorry, a tad off topic!

 

 

I agree the soft & sensual ease of two women being together sexually or in a relationship is hardly the reality. Not to say it doesn't exist at times, but not in the carebare movie some imagine it hardly. No you are going to argue & fight & have the same issues as every1 else has in girl relationships only it's gonna be with a female.

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i'd do that if i felt it was a forever type thing. oddly enough, i almost feel that i'd be more willing to do that with a girl than a guy.

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Yep *sigh* still hoping to meet a best friend, someone to care for and be cared for, who can love as deeply as any two people can. I think it will take awhile for me to find her. I'm definitly bisexual but I just want to date women now. They are so much better.

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yes I will, if im single I will have a GF relationship for a long term.. But I will also like a GF being married, we can be Best GF in front of everybody,, you dont find a good friend todays day anywhere... :love0054:

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My relationship with her could never be a lost cause becuz she has meant to much & I have no intentions of letting her go be it as friends or not

 

... if she realized that she feels the same deep down for me & she does want to be my gf & me her & hers only then I wouldn't care how much time she would want to stay closeted about us so long as she was faithful to me & I knew that she was serious about coming to terms with her sexuality & our relationship.

 

 

This is so sweet. The fact that you are willing to stay in her closet with her is such a poignant expression of love, IMO, speaking as someone who has a partner who has stayed with her in a closet (not a gay one, but still) for many years.

 

Although I think it will be emotionally risky for you to stay involved with her either way she decides, I still hope she comes to see the value of your regard and love for her, and that you can love her (both emotionally and sexually, presumably) just as good if not better than anyone she's had so far in her life.

 

 

is also 1 other factor & that is she might be str8 str8, but I'm not like most girls so I do look at times like the younger almost pretty edgy guys she goes for

 

... the role I always naturally take as a butch girl so alot of confusion is involved in that in many ways in many ways she sees I fit what she wants in a guy cuz that happens to be the kinda of girl I am.

 

Yes, I can see why you might have that underlying fear; seems perfectly natural to me given her expressed past preferences for a certain type of male, which you happen to resemble in either appearance or demeanor or both.

 

However, even though the fear is natural, that doesn't naturally mean it's rational or correct. As you pointed out, she's well aware you are a woman and have a woman's body; all the butch-styled clothes, hair, and swagger cannot take away a woman's "woman-ness." Women are not synonymous with "femininity;" it is only our society that trains us to believe that.

 

When it comes right down to it, if she ends up wanting or choosing you, she will want or choose you knowing and appreciating that you are a woman.

 

Interesting point.. true to an extent, but I also find that a lot women have a very romantisised view of lesbian relationships.. of them being full of communication and nurturing and the sex being very soft and sensual.. Ive found these expectations to be equally unrealistic! sorry, a tad off topic!

 

Yes, I agree. I think it goes like this: Western society as a whole hypersexualizes women-women relationships even while planting the suggestion that the sex is "not really sex," and is just "sexual play." Meanwhile, some women, mentally rebelling against what they see as the emotional/relational inadequacies of men, romanticize and idealize women-women relationships in the way you describe.

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I'm single and I could definitely see myself in a long term relationship with another woman. I could see myself settling down with another woman in fact. It goes both ways though; if I found a man that I could see myself with, I could settle down with him and raise puppies together. :)

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Very interesting, I would like to have a relationship with a woman, but also think I do have a romaticised view of what a relationship with a woman would be like.

I think the hormonal aspects of how women interact might drive me crazy, having had a crush on many women and trying to interpret the signals they give off has been very confusing, so a committed relationship may have equal complications as those between man and women, which is what I am used to!!

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It really does not make a difference to me as long as I'm happy. I'm attracted to both genders and a different array of people.

Although it is more difficult with a woman because of society views, family opinions, etc... It doesn't make a difference to me,

as long as everything is healthy in the relationship. So, for me, it's just as much as a possibility as it is with me ending up with a man.

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I think I would really love to have a relationship with another woman, but unfortunately I haven't even experienced that with a man for more than 6 months, so I'm afraid I'd be a bit immature...I would hate to hurt her if I realized I can't handle total monogamy yet, you know?

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I don't think I could have a long-term relationship with a woman instead of with a man. I envision my primary relationship -- as in marriage -- being with a man. I guess if someone said from now on you have to choose being only with men or only with women, I'd choose men. And I'm not sure I'm OK with having an extra-marital relationship with a woman. So unless I have a s.t.r. with a woman before a permanent relationship with a man, I may never have a sexual relationship with a woman. When I think of it logically like this, sometimes I think I'm not bi at all. I always thought of myself as straight until the last couple years. Maybe I am. Yet if I look truthfully at my interests and desires, what I think about during sex or when I'm daydreaming, I'm definitely attracted to women and men both. I don't know what to make of it all. Just learning to live with the paradox day by day.

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I like to call myself an equal opportunity dater... If there is attraction, gender shouldn't (and doesn't) matter. However more and more I'm feeling put off by men, and actively seeking out women. I've been unsuccessful so far, but one day my prince/ princess will come.

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Personally, it doesn't matter to me at all whether I'm with a man or a woman - The only thing that holds me back from having a lasting and serious relationship with a woman is my family... I've never told my grandparents, aunties, uncles or cousins... not even my sisters yet! I have told my parents 6 weeks ago, but they still believe it to be a phase :/... I'm just not sure how any of them would take it. But when I'm with someone and I tell them I'm not ready for them to meet my family, I know they will assume it's because I don't want to commit - So this stops me from letting a relationship with woman become anything. Though I can see myself with either a man or a woman as I grow old :)

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I like to call myself an equal opportunity dater... If there is attraction, gender shouldn't (and doesn't) matter. However more and more I'm feeling put off by men, and actively seeking out women. I've been unsuccessful so far, but one day my prince/ princess will come.

I feel the same way

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Although I have a tendency to be a committment phobe (because I am picky and take committment VERY seriously), I always saw myself in a monogamous, long-term relationships. I am still on the fence about open relationships because I fear their complicated nature. For one to be successful, I can only imagine there must be a great deal of trust and respect between the two primary partners. In any event, getting to the question, I have always imagined myself in a long-term relationship with a man because it is what I know, I have been happy in them (while they lasted), and social conditioning. However, I think it would be possible for me to fall in love with woman. Yet, before starting such a relationshp, I would want to be more certain my sexuality.

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I'm single.

 

My first female relationship of a year recently ended. She was married, and closeted as bi from everyone but one male friend in another state. Although I loved her and being intimate physically and emotionally with a woman, I know I don't want to share anyone or be in anyone's closet. It confirmed my desire for a woman as a partner. Until the crappy breakup (and aren't they usually) the communication between us was phenomenal, so much better than with any man I've been with.

 

Life's too short. I'll never date anyone married again, and I absolutely want a long term monogamous relationship with a woman.

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i've only had serious relationships with men but i can definitely see myself having a long term relationship with a woman, it just hasn't happened yet :(

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Its a definite possibility for me. I could see myself having a long term girlfriend.

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Definitely would be happy with a long-term girlfriend. I'm more about the person than the gender, so if I find that one special girl (or guy), and she's lovely, kind, commited, pretty etc then yes, indefinitely. <3

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I am actively looking for a a gf and as some people have said I dont see being exclusive a trap... Id want to be someone's everything and they would be mine. :)

 

My family doesn't know I'm bi (pretty much full lesbian lol) but if I were to find a gf who did want to be open to my family I would do that. It doenst bother me, I just don't see the point in rocking the boat if I don't need to lol I wont hide forever behind being bi. Although I do find men ok, I would still pick a women over them :happy0005:

 

:kiss: xxx

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I am in a long term relationship with a woman, but in the early stages of that relationship, and hoping it will continue for a long time.

 

currently I am grappling with fear tho, cos much as i give load of support to women on this site, even give up my time as a mod voluntarily so women can bebefit from the support community this site offers, I am still personally scared stiff of telling my parents I am gay.

 

It is a complex situation, with a long history, and tied up in a crappy relationship of 42 years of non communication and insecurity, and tho i have made huge progress in my life in terms of coming out to myself, ending my dead marriage, rebuilding my life as a single mother lesbian in her early 40s, all the stuff people say "wow, you are really strong"... I have a wonderful gf, i love her deeply, she loves me... but i can't tell my parents, and i feel awful. I'm not sure what the block is, but I know the news will be met with all the things that trigger off despair in me, and i'm sure it is complicated by stuff emerging thru therpay about adoption and the impact it has on the essential core of a child, it has messed up my relationship with my mum from day one, so it would appear, but my parents just don't talk about anything. My mum is the sort who will use emotional blackmail and control to get what she wants, and i end up feeling despair, hurt, pain, rejection. I'm working on this right now with my therapist...

 

I feel bad cos my gf hs told her family about me, i have met her friends, i know her neighbour, and my parents don't even know i am gay.... i'm not sure what terrifies me so much about telling them, hell, i could just write an e-mail now and get it over with, but i see them in august for a golden wedding, and i don't want the issue hanging over their celebrations... i wish i could take my gf there cos really, i think she is "the one" if ever "the one" exists....

 

i feel like such a wuss, but i guess my past, adoption stuff, crappy relationship with my mum etc means i have a HUGE block over this... my brother knows, my friends here in france know

 

but my job, as a teacher, in a semi private place, means, very little job security, so i keep my private life private... i hate life kind of trying to be invisible, i want to have a happy and normal life with my gf...

 

but, if my issues with coming out to my parents were a problem, i guess she wouldn't be with me, right? i just want to be honest by her, cos i'm very proud, happy,

 

i hd a bad experience with my ex, she humiliated me in public, god, it makes me cringe, people in the village looking out their windows as she screamed at me round the streets....i guess now i'm scared of losing my job and losing my parents in order to be honest by my gf....

 

sometimes i wish i could just find a guy and be "normal" and be in love with someone i can talk about, cos i hate staffroom convos where everyone talks about their weekend and i have to lie to avoid telling them i was with my gf...

 

the more i read this post, the more i relaise i need to go back to see my therapist, the whole post is glaringly obvious to my rational brain, and my emotional brain is a mess, lol

 

az xxx

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