Jaguar

Rape

182 posts in this topic

nope its not

 

 

 

rape is not a crime of passion disgusted by that suggestion

 

I think you may have taken that the wrong way saucy..I didn't mean any offence in what I said.

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Ok..

 

When I was about 17 which was only 2 years ago..I met this guy on the internet named Chris he was 25. We hit it off really quick and became good friends. We were on the phone one day after I knew him four about 6 or 7 months and we decided to hang out. He picked me up from my job and we rode around, he said he wanted to get something from his house real quick and I went along with it..I knew that it sounded kinda fishy but I wanted to see his house and his dogs..So I went in with him..for a while we sat around and talked and laughed and then he kissed me..I pushed him off of meb/c I had a boyfriend and he knew this..When I pushed him he got mad and slammed me onto his couch and held my wrists down and raped me..During the rape he spat in my face, called me names etc...afterwards when he let me up, I got dressed and ran out of his house to the gas station across the street and called my best friend..She came and picked me up..I never told her what happened or anyone else till this year...I told my best friend and after that I felt so much better, almost liberated... Thanks for letting me share my story on here..

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Denarii you and i may not always see eye to eye.But i am sorry that what you described happened to you.I am glad that you are a strong woman.If you ever want to talk about it to me i will be more than happy to listen.That was a horrible thing you experienced.I am sorry for the pain it caused you. :wub::) :th_c4814252:

 

 

 

I could not read any more. This is a sad world that we live in...

 

I know the topic of this thread is rape, and while I was not raped, I thought I would share my story.

 

Sometimes, as a victim of molestation, I feel that we are not given as much attention as those (men and women) who are raped. I am not saying this to downplay or minimize the significance of being raped; though I was molested, I consider myself blessed for never having to go through that. However, I feel that in some (and let me repeat, some) people's minds, victims of molestation are insignificant because we were not penetrated. But let me tell you, this type of sexual abuse can cut deep too.

 

From what I can remember (and this is usually what I tell people-this is not the first time I have told my story), it started when I was nine years old. I know it ended the summer of 2001-I was 14 by then. My cousin, who is the same age as me (2 months older), began playing this game with me, my bro, and his younger sister called "Hug Around". Someone would be in the middle of the circle, and whenever I was in the middle, he would make sure he was right behind me, so that he could grind against me. I don't think I really understood it then. It always happened when I was alone, and my mom never knew until I told her about a year after it ended (like someone else mentioned, she was a single working mom, and my cousin and I were usually alone, so how could she have known?). I remember once when we were 11, he tried to penetrate my anus, but seeing as he was still young, he couldn't really do anything (thank God). I remember thinking, "Oh my God, what if I get pregnant? Someone will find out!" Of course, I know now that ya can't get preggers from anal sex, lol (just a moment of levity within a very serious topic). He was never violent, but I can still hear his voice when he wanted me to be in a certain position "Bend down." or "Turn over".

 

If this sounds to some of you that I am detached from my experience, part of it is because, thanks to God, I have healed from this experience. Of course, I can still feel it emotionally, when I look back, but it is not a part of me in the same way that it would be for someone who has not found that healing yet. I thank God for my healing. I think the complete process was finished just before I left for Italy. I went to church before going to JFK airport, and my cousin was in church as well. My pastor called up people for something (I don't remember what specifically, but it was for prayer) and my cousin went up. As he was going back to his seat (me and my mom were more in the front; he was in the back cuz he came later than us), I could see that he had been crying really hard. He walked up to my mom, and hugged her crying. At this point, I still had not shed a tear. Then he came to hug me, and as soon as I felt his embrace, the tears rolled down my cheeks-they flowed. He told me he was proud of me (he dropped out of college last year; and he knew I was going to Italy...he's been living with us since Nov. 05) and that he loved me. I have never hated him; I only hate the experience. I think my own personal experience has helped me in that I don't hate those who do that to people; I pity them, and hope that somehow they get the help they need. Because in truth, that is what they need.

 

I was also molested by my younger brother, but only for the summer of 2001. That experience was significantly different from the one with my cousin, and I'm not sure why. With my cousin, I never felt disgusted, as some of you ladies describe (at least, not around him). With my brother, I couldn't stand touching him at all. :) I think maybe it's because he was more agressive. Again, I was never hurt physically (or even verbally), but I remember one day, while my mom was at work, my brother actually chased me through the house. I went into my mom's room and tried to lock the door, but we lived in an apartment (for the first time) and the way they made the locks, they opened easily. Then I tried to take a shower. He came into the bathroom, got undressed and got in the shower with me. Thinking about it even now makes me feel disgusting. I think another reason for my change in feelings between the 2 experiences is the fact that my brother is closer related to me than my cousin, so that somehow makes it more "nasty" I guess. I don't know. I do think I have begun healing from this one (its a bit harder as I'm sure you can imagine), but I don't know when it will come full force.

 

I must say, before I go though, that I admire each and every one of you ladies that has a story. Whether raped or molested, we can overcome. :grin:

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I have to say that now that i have had the time to read all of these posts, i feel terrible for what you have all had to go through.I wanted to tell you that i love this forum.I love that we can feel comfortable enough to post how we feel and post the horrible things that have happened to us.You can post here and you will find true friends and true comfort. :th_c4814252: :grin:

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I'm sorry such horrible incidents happened to everyone, and it makes me feel like I am really a pervert or abnormal. My story is that I was molested by my "uncle" from the time I was about 3 or 4 yrs old, until I got about 13. And I mean almost every week. He was married and came to visit us often. The perverted part is that I loved every minute of it. I really think it made me the sexual being that I am now.

He was never rough or intentionally harmful. I remember my first orgasm at about 5 years old, because I thought I was going crazy, and wanted it to last forever. I knew it was wrong, and certainly did not encourage him, but whenever we were alone it happened--and sometimes I looked forward to it.

I don't think my mom had a clue, as she would leave me in his care many times while she went out to take care of bills, etc. My dad would have killed him if he knew. Afterwards, he would buy me treats, and make me promise not to tell. It was more like a loving relationship (if you can call it that), because I was very fond of him. I even had my best friend come over to spend the night so he could do both of us--she liked it too!

It all had to come to an end when I was about 13 and started getting periods, because I thought I would get pregnant. He never actually succeeded in deflowering me because it hurt too much, and I would threaten to tell on him, so I was still a virgin. But I still fantasize about the experience and the oral sex he did on me.

 

I do not think it is alright for children to be molested, but I think many more are than admit it, because I know there is at least one more person out there who liked it as much as I did--my best friend of that time, but I don't know where she is now.

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I actually just started a novel for my creative writing class about being raped and the effects they had and the choices i have made becasue of them.

 

Unfortunately i have been raped more than once...i know i know, how can someone get raped more than one time, but it can happen as embarrassed as I am about it all. I don't wish it upon anyone and i hope that it never happens again.

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I'm in tears after reading some of these stories. It's absolutely horrendous what you've all been through. I can't imagine... I wasn't able to read everything. maybe another day I can finish this thread. I'm so sorry for your pain and suffering. I hope talking about it has helped :hug:

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Im so angry reading this, I cant ever remeber what I was searching for now.

Reading some of these stories I wonder how these people were not stabbed repeatedly. You are better people than me. Wylde your story really stuck with me, Im sorry hun. Im not going to read anymore.

Sorry to all of you :hysterical:

 

I was molested by the step brother, Im not sure of I was raped cus I have big chunks of memory missing. I remember hating sitting n his knee in family situations and hating the fact that my mum seemed to do nothing when I told her what was going on and that my step dad made fun of me by saying things like "why dont you give your "boyfriend" a goodbye kiss?"

 

I saw him years later and it made me so sick and shaken but later wanted to see him again so I could have some sort of revenge.

 

Im not sure how if affects me now :hysterical:

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I was molested when I was five by my mom's friend's son (did I say that right?), I don't remember all of it. I remember him saying he wanted to play a game and then I remember my mom crying when she and the boy's mom came in and found us. I remember thinking I was in trouble because my mom was just so upset. I don't remember anything else, not even his face. Just the blonde hair. My mother just told me he was sent away and even now as an adult I don't really care to know where he is. Kind of like if I don't know then it didn't happen or something.

I was almost raped at 15 but I was actually saved by a truck driver. Sort of.. I mean I kicked the guy a bunch of times and then ran to the street (heading for the gas station just up the road) so I was thankful that anyone was passing. I'll never forget the guy's name; Craig Dennery. I always wanted to look him up and thank him for driving down that hwy at that moment.

I've been lucky.. a lifetime of near misses.

 

My heart goes out to all of you.

:hysterical:

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I, too was raped. I never spoke of the details until recently. I kept it buried and ignored it. Then we started having flashbacks - frequently. One of the reasons I am back in therapy. We were able to tell a close online friend what happened. She urged us to tell our therapist too. But what follows here is what was said online to friend. I trimmed out her responses. Yes, our therapist is up to date now too, so i felt maybe I could share this here. This is seriously emotionally painful, so don't read it if you're not in a good state of mind.

 

 

not so long ago. 14 years? 15? wasn't long after i moved to NY...

 

the guy i came to live with wasn't gonna be a bf, just a friend, s&m partner, and as it turned out, business partner.

still wanted a bf for the romantic stuff.

 

met a lebanese guy who ran the corner store a block away. nice looking, trim, had his own store. used to go get smokes there

i flirted with him some cause liked him.

 

one day he said he lived upstairs and offered to show his place. thought that would be good to get to know him see how he lived.

 

said yes. he closed shop an we went upstairs, an we get up there, an he's got his hand on my ass.

 

turned out to be a mostly empty apt with a mattress in it.

 

i fucked up. thought maybe we'd play a little touchy feely kiss kiss or something, and laid down.

i did like him after all.

 

he leaped on me then slid up me dragging hs shorts down, dragged my glasses half off my face. amazing they didn't break. before i could speak or anything he had shoved his dick in my mouth, an he came immediately.

i had to swallow it to breathe

 

then he rolled off an i was so fucking terrifed i didn't know what to do

i smiled, an said something, an we went back down, an i got his number. told him i would call and he unlocked door, an told me he was moving back to NYC next week.

once i got around the corner I ran home, and cried and shook for hours

 

oh my fucking god it was my fault. i never should have done that

 

laid down. my fault

 

i'm so scared

 

i was so scared i couldn't speak or move

 

why did he have to do that to me? Wa i so bad? did I do something wrong?

 

it hurts as bad right now as it did that night, and i so want to die

keep flashing back on it

 

i don't trust men anymore.

 

it has to go away or i will always want to die, like i feel i have inside.

 

i didn't even know his name yet. I feel like he stole part of me, and then drove a knife into my heart

 

i hurt so much i want to scream

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I am sitting here in tears reading these harrowing experiences. I wish I could hug you all.

I was the victim of an attempted rape....I have never felt so scared, vulnerable and threatened as I did back then.... I was 14/15. You never know how you will react in that situation....fight or flight.

Luckily for me....having both parents being police officers...and taught self defence....I fought back and escaped. I told noone else as I was ashamed and more scared of my father grounding me for life.

The would be rapist got a hell of a beating from my then boyfriend and moved away fast! I forgot to mention it was a person known to me.

I cannot even begin to understand what you have all suffered. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you. To show such bravery is a testament to you all.

I wish you peace and love.

Regards,

Venus

xxxxx

:hysterical::hysterical:

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:evilgrin: Venus and Cheryl and C there was no way he could have interpreted that as consensual, it wasnt your fault at all.

 

This thread is changed my whole day, since reading the few posts I did I have reflected on times when my own stupidity and weakness left me vulnerable. Ive spent the morning looking over a woman betrayed by loved ones.

Edited by thesea
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oh. my. god. I can't believe this has happened to so many women. This has to stop, now! I'm just so angry right now. I thought I was one of the few, not one in a thousand. this is absurd.

I was raped/molested by a woman. She was 16 and I was 7 or 8. I don't remember a lot of it. I remember that her boyfriend was in the room, and he was smoking something out of a tiny bowl. to this day if anyone is smoking a little bowl in the room, I go out of my mind. The thing that really bothers me is she was hurting me to please him. I don't think I could ever have a threesome for this reason. He was just using me as this living sex toy.

 

It doesn't make sense, but i wasn't mad at her. I was mad at him. He told me that if I were to tell anyone that he would hurt my sister too. I endured all this pain to save my sister. I would do it again, too if i had to. However, I would probably kick his ass now.

 

Actually, that past experience helped me later in life. when I was 15 this guy came over to my house. We were friends and all, but he'd never come over before. He started trying to take my clothes off, but I fought him off and kicked him out of the house. I'd never felt more proud of myself.

 

bear

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This subject is so so filled with pain - my face is honestly going numb just soaking it all in - what pain everyone has endured and what brave strong women you all are, each and every one of you a testament to the strength of the human spirit.

 

A testament to the beauty that comes even out of such pain - because all of you are such beautiful amazing women.

 

 

Although I don't ever for a second think that my story "compares" even for a second to any of yours - I did have something much much less extreme, but that still affected me....

 

You are my heroes every one of you, thanks for giving me the courage to talk about the one thing I pretty much avoid at all costs.

 

 

sorry editing out details because i feel stupid and feeling a bit private about it all.... but talking it out was cathartic, thanks.

Edited by capricious
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Wow I sit here in amazement of all the stories that have been told her as I have never really told anyone details of my situation excpet my hubby cause I guess he was really the one who piscked me up and helped me back together. And here I sit 23 years later and sometimes it feels like it just happened.So here goes nothing

When I was 13 I realized that I liked girls and got involved with my best friend Jennifer we got picked on alot but hey its life ya know. I had a lot of friends that said they understood and one in particular the us to tease me about it but him and I (he was 18) we really close and I told him everything. One night I went out with Jen and a bunch of friends and we were hanging out in the parking lot up at school as usual. We up he came oon his motorcycle with his friend on his also. We were out of cigs so Jen and my friends hopped in their truck and said they were running to the store and be right back. He said he was gonna teach my how to ride his bike if I stayed so not thinking anything of it i said sure. So off the go and here we are left. He starts asking me if her and I had sex and what I liked about girls so much the I didnt want a bf. So I said bluntly that I thought I was les and boys didnt do much for me. WIth this he freaks out and starts yelling out me telling me I needed a real man to show me how the real world worked. And then it happened His friend grabbed me from behind and he punched me in the face I was so in shock I didnt know what to think. I really cant get into details cause well I dont know but needless to say the both had a go at me and beat the crap out of me. My friends came back a lil while later and asked wtf happened and where they went. I said we got in a fight and to just leave it at that. I honestly dont know why they believed me cause I was really beat to shit and sorts all ripped and was only wearing my sports bra but they really didnt ask any questions. So I called my parents and said I was spending the night at her house which I did for several day. When we got back to her house I was sitting on her couch and her mom came in and freaked I was bleeding on the couch and I guess I was in such shock I didnt realize it as at that age I hadent had my period yet. Os she thought i guess I got it. Jen took me into the bathroom to get me a pad and whe she pulled down my shorts to help me she started to cry and asked where all the bruises came from and I told her like I said before me and him fought. She asked me If he had touched me and I just started to cry and really couldnt stop. Hse wanted to tell her mom and I wouldnt let her , she wanted to call the cops I said no. Well a few days later I went home my dad saw all the bruises and started yelling at me about all I was was a punk and all I did was get in fights and he wanted me out. SO out I went. Jen and I talked to her mom and we moved down to Florida the next day with her dad. We stayed there for 2 days and he wanted me to go to the dr cause I was having trouble breathing. We went and they looked me over the nurse came in and asked her dad to leave the room and then she asked me who did this to me was it him was it someone else. SO I kinda told her it happened in NY and I didnt know who did it. Well when all was said and done I had a broken nose 3 broken ribs, a a few cuts and brusies and a broken cheek bone. They wanted to call the police and report it but I told then I would deny it and say it was consensual but would never say who so they sent me off with my meds and went back a few times they told me the internal damage wuld most likey keep me from having kids or I would not be able to carry on to term I was heart broken cause kids was something I wanted more than anything.

SO fast foward a few years I met dh and I dont know why but i felt like I could tell him and little by little he learned the details and he never once judged me just held me and listened. All this has cause me major issues even to this day i sue to have panic attacks at least 6 or 7 times a day Now Ive only had a few in the past few years. I cant handle people moving to close to me that I dont know. Ive only been with 2 men one being dh and sometimes people freak me out. I dont like being held down I cant handle being forced to do anything I will freak and thank goodness I have my dh and he has helped me realise that I didnt do this they did this to me.These days I have learned alot and have taught my boys to respect a woman and that I dont care about the situation one she says no that means no and you stop no if ands or butts about it

I know this is a jumbled mess but me heart goes out to all you girls and Im gald to have shared my part of what happened and thatnk god the dr's were wrong I have 3 beautiful boys :hug:

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I don't know that I can share my story right now, but I do want to say that I admire each and every one of you ladies who has been able to share your story. I'm sorry that you ladies have had to go through any of this and maybe, after reading each and every one of these replies, I will be able to gather up the courage to share my story as well. I've only ever told one person, and even then I just told her that I was sexually abused...nothing more. Well, thank you for starting this thread and I hope to be as brave as you ladies some day. :hug: to all of you wonderful ladies.

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I am so sorry for all of you who have been through this :hug:

 

I am not sure if I was ever molested, but think I may have been, I don't remember most of my childhood before my biological dad died...I can remember snippets here and there, and on the outside it seems like I remember a lot, but I have only a couple of memories of my 'dad' and mostly remember being very scared of him.

 

He had a shed that had an office at the top of a set of stairs, and up there he kept adult magazines of all sorts, lots of the pictures were on the walls, and there were guns, I hated going near that building.

 

I know for a fact that my sister was molested by him. She was his step-daughter, and I saw him more than once doing things to her, but I was quite young. Once I had to tell my sister her bus had arrived and she was going to be late for school (that happened a lot), and I remember seeing something white (I didn't know then that it had a name) from/around my 'dad' and asking him what it was, and he told me it was something all little girls needed and I would get it someday too. I get flashes of a smell, and to this day if I smell it I freak out...it reminds me of sweat and a mans bellybutton, I don't know why I get that association, I just do...thankfully it's not a smell I encounter often. I know my mind is blocking more, and for the most part I am thankful for that.

 

He died when I was 6, he committed suicide by shooting himself in the head. He was apparently a peeping tom as well, and was looking in the neighbors windows when he was caught, and the cops went to our house, I was told as a young child that he was shooting targets and the gun backfired, as an adult I found his death cert. and asked about it and I was told when the cops showed up he shot himself.

 

I think a lot of it makes sense now, the trouble we had with the neighbors, my fear of him etc. I also grew up thinking I had an aunt on my 'dad's' side, only to find out it was his ex-wife and she lived with my mother and father, they all slept together in the same bed.

 

I'm glad he's dead...if he hadn't killed himself I'd never want anything to do with him anyway, he was a monster...I sometimes wonder if I'm an ok person, and if I am evil because he was...it's hard to believe that someone good can come from someone so twisted.

 

Later on as a teen I went with my best friend to a drug dealers house, and he had his girlfriend and a friend there. While we were there, my best friend and I sat on either side of the friend of the dealer while the dealer took a bath and his girlfriend badmouthed us. My best friend was letting him put his hands on her thigh, talking about kissing him, asking if he'd kiss me etc. He had a knife he was showing off, and of course my best friend thought it was great.

 

I stood up as I wanted to leave, when the friend of the dealer stood up as well, asked if I wanted to kiss him, and when I told him no, he pushed me down on the ground and put the knife at my throat and asked me what I would do if he made me kiss him. The entire time my best friend just sat there on the sofa, as though she just didn't care. I told him to get off me and thankfully he did, and we ran home....but I was soo scared :D I never spoke to any of them again after that, aside from my best friend...this is the same one I later slept with...great friend I had I know...took me several years to finally wisen up to her ways.

 

And there was the time I lost my virginity. I was with a guy who I had decided was going to be 'the one'. I was 14, and tired of waiting...which is really sad :D This guy was 22, and a lot bigger than me. We'd been going out a little while, and one night my sister and I arranged to have our boyfriends over while my parents were out one night. After a little while we went to my room, where things started to get very serious. I thought I was ready, and so he started to penetrate me. It hurt very badly, and I started pushing on his chest and begging him to stop, but he didn't listen to me, it was as though I wasn't really speaking at all. I just endured it until it was over, and as soon as he had finished I went into the bathroom and locked the door, and refused to let him in, or talk to him. I just told him to go home, and he did. I didn't come out until he'd left. We broke up not long after, I discovered he'd been cheating on me from day one, and he had the nerve to send that girl out to collect his things.

 

And of course there were plenty of times when my ex-husband forced me, but apparently since we were married that isn't considered rape. He would do things to me while I was asleep, and had I been awake I would have been unwilling (in fact when I did wake up and he was doing things, I'd get very upset, and he would call me an ice queen). For a period of time I was taking sleeping pills, and I was told if I woke up during the night after taking them I would not remember anything...I believe he took advantage of me during those times as well. He also would just hold me down and have sex with me even if I didn't want to. I cannot stand to have other people restrain me, it makes me panic.

 

I suppose what I've been through wasn't as bad as it could have been, and I am grateful for the memories I don't have, because the fuzzy ones I do scare me enough.

 

I have only told my husband and a couple of very close people these stories, and my mother does not know...I don't think I could ever tell her either. I don't like telling these stories, I am always worried people will think I am a freak :D

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i had stuff happen to me as a child and a young adult that i always just pushed to the back of my mind and classed as nothing more than "boys being boys"...basically, and for that reason i never told anyone, cos i thought i would get blamed, somehow......

 

....so, few months ago, one thing led to another and i ended up telling one of my closest friends and she was horrified and claimed that i was raped and sexually abused as a child...and that if it had happened to my own daughter, id be just as horrified, but cos it happened to me, i somehow find myself not worthy of being safe and protected.....i thought about that and while i was being open and honest with my hubby recently, i chose to tell him about it all as well, in a hope he would understand why sometimes i cant stand him on top of me, or his smells, whiskers....etc.....and he was horrifed and wanted to kill all of them, some were people he knew from back home.......i thought it was strange that i had finally told 2 people and their reactions were the same, so i went and told my sister.....she cried.....i told my mum, the same phone call i rang to say i like chicks...lol......and she just ummmed and ahhhhhed and a bit of a pffttt....that was it, not that she didnt care, she just didnt know what to say or how to say it, not an emotional or affectionate woman at all.....

 

so there ya go, took me 25 years, but i have told 4 people, three of them were horrified and i dont even want to say what happened here, cos i dont feel for a second it is on the same par with anything anyone else on here has said....so i guess i still feel im not worthy of any sort of sympathy, affection or protection....thats kinda sad and i dont even know why!

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so there ya go, took me 25 years, but i have told 4 people, three of them were horrified and i dont even want to say what happened here, cos i dont feel for a second it is on the same par with anything anyone else on here has said....so i guess i still feel im not worthy of any sort of sympathy, affection or protection....thats kinda sad and i dont even know why!

 

Hon, I know that feeling. I didn't even know if calling what happened to me was really rape, but I have since been assured it was. It does not matter how much or how little happened. You don't need to compare your experience to other peoples. They are all individual experiences, all horrible, all things that never ever should have happened. No one here will think less of you for what ever happened to you. I felt like it was my fault, and people are telling me it wasn't. I'm having a hard time believing it, even though I know they are right, so Ill say it too. It wasn't your fault, and you deserve the comfort, affection and everything else that is good. Just like everyone who goes thru this. No one should have to bear this pain.

Hugs and lots of comfort. I hope this helps you, and others.

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Hon, I know that feeling. I didn't even know if calling what happened to me was really rape, but I have since been assured it was. It does not matter how much or how little happened. You don't need to compare your experience to other peoples. They are all individual experiences, all horrible, all things that never ever should have happened. No one here will think less of you for what ever happened to you. I felt like it was my fault, and people are telling me it wasn't. I'm having a hard time believing it, even though I know they are right, so Ill say it too. It wasn't your fault, and you deserve the comfort, affection and everything else that is good. Just like everyone who goes thru this. No one should have to bear this pain.

Hugs and lots of comfort. I hope this helps you, and others.

 

it does help, it really does....... :hug:

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The sad facts.

 

Basically, estimates are that if all rapes were reported, at least 1 out of every 2 women will have been raped in her life. Some figure it may be as high as 3 out of 4. And that doesn't include figures for other forms of domestic violence.

 

There are lots of us out there.

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To my fellow ShyBi's....

 

I'm sorry so many of us have experienced things as horrible and life changing as this, but in a way it makes all of us stronger people. We're all surivors.

 

Like so many of you, I have my own story. I've been raped on more than one occasion by more than one person.

 

The first one I remember was when I was 4. My babysitter's son handcuffed me to the piano...my hands were cuffed to my ankles and i was bent over... and he told me we were playing a game. I begged him to let me go, I screamed and yelled...but nobody came to help me. I remember clearly what happened from there...but the thing I remember most was the agonziing pain and how I wasn't able to sit or use the bathroom for days. This same kid (he was 12) also did this to me during the summer one year...he took me into the woods and tied me to a tree and had his way with me. I told the babysitter, but she didn't believe her son to be capable of this. Her son threatened to keep doing it if I told anyone else...so naturally I didn't tell my parents. They didn't find out about it until I was 17 and started having panic attacks when I'd see HIM around town.

 

There was a time when I was at a different daycare, and the provider herself was raping each and every one of us. I've blocked out a large chunk of it because it went on for years and I eventually became numb to it all...once in awhile it comes back to really haunt me.

 

My first boyfriend pressured me for sex all the time. I resisted him and always came up with excuses to not let him near me. Most of the time he was ok with it...it wasn't until he got plastered after basketball playoffs in high school that he pushed too hard and wouldn't accept no. He was ruthless...then again I've never known a rapist to be kind. This shattered any trust I had in relationships with others...I walked around in a daze for months, and it was actually one of the triggers for the depression I fell into in my teens. I didn't know how to deal with this...I was extremely close with the rest of his family and usually I was able to tell his mom or his sister anything...but how could I tell them about this? I shut myself off from everyone and fell into some pretty bad ways...and its only now, 6 years later, that I'm beginning to dig myself back out.

 

I think the one rape (ok, series of rapes) that affected me most was when I was in Canada with my then girlfriend, and she completely turned on me and held me against my will for 2 months. She used me as a sex toy and would only slap me harder if I resisted. There was nothing I could do to stop or prevent the rapes...I didn't understand what I had done to make her hate me enough to want to hurt me like this. Any time of day she wanted it, I had to be up and give it or i faced harsher consequences...rougher beatings...more painful rapes. I wasn't allowed to use phones or email people, I was never given time alone, I wasn't even allowed to shower or use the bathroom alone. Everything I did somehow elicited more rapes or beatings...nothing was good enough. This shook everything I knew about myself and the world around me...its part of the reason I'm so quiet and subdued. I've been trained to submission and taught that my thoughts dont really matter. Very slowly I've been working through this, and bit by bit the real me has began to emerge.

 

Do I wish none of this had happened? Of course...but would I change it? No. It's all taught me a lot about who I am and what I can and cannot handle in life. It's helped shape me into the person I am today, and 99% of the time, I'm happy with who I am and what I stand for...a person can't ask for much more than that. I hope that one day each of us with a story can find inner peace and use our past experiences to help us grow stronger...we all have it in us...and with support from people who understand and can sympathize, anything is possible....

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I never was raped but I was molested. For a long time I couldn't remember it because I guess I had just blocked it out. I was molested when I was like 3. My mom is bipolar and she was hospitalized and being the selfish and spiteful person she is, she refused to let my grandma keep me.. so she left me with a man and woman she had only known a few years. And the woman would go out to feed her cow and leave me there with him. He would touch me and stuff.............. And I can remember the woman taking me to her neighbors for them to babysit and when she returned I can remember going into fits not wanting to go ....but they made me.

 

But this old man was a real piece of work. My mom couldn't drive so she would have to get him to take us to the store, dr, etc. So when she would go to the Dr..she would make me sit in the truck with him..instead of letting me go in.. and I would cry and beg to get to go in.. But she would refuse.. So he would sit in the parking lot and make me sit in his lap while he would make me french kiss him. Remind you we were in the parking lot..... That happened all the time..

 

Anyway.. after that everytime I would pee I would BURN so bad. My mom took me to a specialist..and the specialist has asked her who she had been leaving me with because he beleived I had been molested. Well my mom got pissed and cussed the doctor out....

 

So to this day she does not know. I just don't see the point in telling her. What will it change now. The old man died a few years after that..and I hope he is burning in hell. He had ruined my life. Now I always second guess who I leave my son with. I doubt EVERYONE..including my husband because I am terrified that my son will be molested. I do not think my husband nor the grandparents would do that, but I am sure my mom didn't think that that man would do that. I ONLY leave my son with my husband or the grandparents, which makes it hard, because sometimes I have dr appts and none of my babysitters can watch him... So I am stuck taking him with me, because I can't bring myself to leave him with anyone else. I was even scared when I first had him, that I may repeat the cycle. I always hear that usually children who are molested, repeats the cycle... But I would rather take my own life than do that.

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Hello Jag,

 

I am soooo glad that this topic have come up so that I can gain courage to share my story, but first I must congrat you for stepping out of the box, revealing this painful part of your life, and sharing it with us. Again, thank you and know that what you have said and done is much appreciated.

 

This topic actually brings me to my next new topic. I was sexually abused by THREE DIFFERENT people in my childhood. It all started from the age 2- 9 years of age. I have stuggled greatly to share this to people. It brings up so much pain and grief for me. I am glad to say this now!!!! I want to FREE MYSELF!!!

 

Much Love,

Luv88

Edited by luv88
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You know I have accepted that I was raped several times and have finally come to realize that none was my fault..because sometimes I truly felt they were. I have forced myself to read these stories, even through tears and some of them make mine seem like nothing in comparison...The brutality of some of these experiences are heart wrenching and so traumatic I am not sure how any of you are still 'sane'...It is such a damn scary world

 

I lived in California after I left Germany to live with my real mom (my parents kicked me out--i was 18 and caused problems at home) So eventually I decided to move in with some 'friends' whom I had met from where I worked. They were into drugs, which i was not. They drank and seemed to watch some weird porn. Well one night there was a party and i believe coke or something was being done by some, pot was being smoked and we were drinking...there was a guy there and for the life of me i cannot remember his name but i keep thinking maybe it is Chris...anyway, before this night we 'liked' each other and had fun together...so we were all drinking and i got drunk...mind you i was 19 and prolly did not even barely weigh 100 lbs. So i was on the couch watching this stupid porn with everyone and i was not into it at all so i ended up passing out/falling asleep. Next thing i know this guy was kind of on top of me trying to get me to have sex with him. I told him 'no' because I was about to move to California to move in with my fiance...but he kept on. I kept telling him to stop and was crying but still drunk so unable to really move a whole lot. He pulled my pants down--mind you all the while i am still crying and telling him that i have a fiance--he had his way with me anyway...pulled my pants back up and left.

The next day people were saying to me 'so I heard you got yourself some last night'...i said "No i got raped last night..' Luckily i moved the next day. I told my mom and she wanted to do something about it but i refused as i wanted it behind me.

From then on i became paranoid of men...i would have nightmares and daymares. I was afraid of the dark and of people around me in the dark.

 

 

Time number 2

 

I was living in VA with my kids, after my ex-husband and i seperated. There was this guy around the corner whom i had interest in and he showed some in me...anyway, we had become friends and even had sex a few times...I was planning on moving to FL to be with my parents because my ex was not paying child support or spousal support so i could not afford to stay. I had a bowflex that i decided to sell so i could use the moeny to help move. This guys friend was going to buy it so I was quite pleased. It was superbowl sunday and i got a knock at the door..it was him, but drunk. He needed to use the computer so i let him then he proceeded to kiss me and fondling while we proceeded to the bed. I was willing since i liked him...then he tried to go further and since i was on my period told him that it wasn't going to happen...ha, he was not going to let that stop him...so he turned me over and forcefully held my wrists over my head while he pulled my pants down and had his way with me. I was continuously telling him to stop but he kept going. I had never had anal sex before so it made it that much more painful...I don't remember him leaving...all i remember is calling my best friend at the time. She did not have a car so she could not come over at all..then he came over again and stupid me...becasue I needed that money from his friend, let him in. My friend was yelling at me to not let him in again but i was sure if i did not then he would not get the money for me which i was desperate for. He came in but eventually i got him to leave...my friend called me back and told me that she called the police and they will be there soon. I was so afraid to wake the kids so i kept the door open waiting for htem. I refused to press charges because i was moving and did not want any ties with VA nor him and i needed that money. 700 was a lot so i could not do anything to not get it. The cops were disappointed but had to not file it since I refused. I had trouble sitting for a few days and was really upset about it...but for some reason this one did not leave me with any problems like the first one...

 

ok...3rd time

 

At first i did not consider this rape since there was no penetration but have been told otherwise.

 

I was living in FL and the kids lived with my parents during this time. I had a friend, who was a single dad, who was temp staying with me until he moved into his apt...which ironically is the same one i was planning on moving into. He had 2 adorable kids that i really helped him a lot with. I liked this guy too and really hoped that with the way things were...sometimes it was like we were married..that he felt the same way. We had sex, our families did a lot together..anyway. I had decided that we were not going to have sex anymore since he was not interested in me in that way...well we were laying in my bed one night bullshitting and stuff and we ended up talking about me being raped and he said 'oh i would never do that to you' his exact words so as i continue on you need to remember that phrase. So he then attempted to get me to have sex with him...actually he kept wanting to go down on me and i kept refusing. I was fighting him off but laughing along with him because at first we were just playing around. I was in my nightgown and underwear so I was having a difficult time protecting that area. He ended up getting my underwear off of me and i was trying to be quiet since his kids were in the next room. He was stronger than me and was very persistant and eventually kind of laid across me and went down on me. Now my body orgasmed...although my mind did not because i kept trying to get him to stop....after he was done he went itno his room with the kids. I went over to my best friends house and slept there for the night ( i was so in love with her..but anyway) she was livid, she wanted to tell her bf because she knew he would go over and kick the living shit out of him but i refused since he had little kids and that would be absolutely horrible for them to see. I also did not think i was actually raped since he did not penetrate me...my hands smelled like my 'area' from me trying to cover it up so he would not do anything but it did not work obviously. He moved to his apt the next day but when i saw him that morning when i went back home he asked if he was too rough last night and whether i was mad at him...i did not say anything...he was not there wehn i got home but left a n ote telling me thanks for all my help and he owes me dinner or something. I saw him a lot around the apt complex and was terrified to look at him...i would not talk to him or pay any attention. If i had to do laundry and saw him in there, i would hurry home. I could not stand it...i cannot beleive i had to live near him and do nothing about it.

 

so these are my stories....i have not cried over them in a long time until now...i know i am over them but the memory and explaining brought back a few tears and hurt and anger

 

oh i forgot to mention...after the second one I had told my mom and she said ' i don't know why you young people are so caught up in having sex, what ever happened to waiting until you are married' then when i moved to FL my parents adn i still did not get along at all...my dad had to have a talk with me...blah blah, and during one of the conversations he said to em...'oh, and don't call your mom up again to talk about your sex life, we don't need to hear it' ...oh my...anyway, we are really close now so i won't say anything bad about them. But they do know about how that 3rd guy 'took advantage of me' and my dad said that is why you have to be careful of men and having them in your home when you are not married is a very bad choice. So he acknowledged it--

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