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Overwhelemed and underprilidged. I remember when I saw her, for the first time. She walzed across the room. She had long brown hair and she was just back from Cairns. She was a doctor. But she was opposite to all of the other doctors. Calm and cool with this tendency to float unnoticed. But I noticed. It was the first time id noticed. And there are so many days that I wish that I never noticed. But I did. And that was the beginning of the end really. The last time my head would be clear forever.

 

...I would love to share more of my story. But is this the best place for it or a forum? Or should I blog? Help! I am new to shybi...

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You are welcome to share your story in a forum if you like. You can start a blog after you have 50 posts as well.

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If you would love to share your story we would love to read it:)

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Ok I will continue to post my story here in the chapters that I lived it... :) I would love to know what people think! I don't wan't this to a secret anymore...

 

This is a love story. It doesn't have an ending. Everyday is a new beginning. I didn't know that then, but I do now. This story starts in 2012, when I was 26. And I was so sure that I knew myself so very well..

 

Overwhelemed and underprilidged. I remember when I saw her, for the first time. She walzed across the room. She had long brown hair and she was just back from Cairns. She was a doctor. But she was opposite to all of the doctors. Calm and cool with this tendency to float unnoticed. But I noticed. It was the first time id noticed. And there are so many days that I wish that I never noticed. But I did. And that was the beginning of the end really. The last time my head would be clear forever.

 

Cause the thing is that there are these ideals of masculinity and femininity. The social construct. My family is masculine. If there was a scale with 1 being feminine and 10 being masculine, my family would be a 12 by Australian standards. It probably started in Latvia where my grandpa was born. And the world war and the importance of men being strong and not crying, and women being there to support them and raise the children. Thoughts that I violently rejected since I was a child. Since I was 8 and I decided that I wanted to be educated and I wanted only the best and that I could get that myself. And finally I got into medicine and I was making all my dreams come true.

 

Everyday I ran and ran. I didn’t know what from. My thoughts mainly. This slowly growing thought that was taking over my brain power. You know when you push a thought away that it only gets bigger. It takes on more and more neurons and they fire in a circular fashion that just doesn’t really make sense. When you run they just get bigger and your bones get weaker. There is no time to eat either when all of your energy is consumed by one single thought. I’m not even sure how I am supposed to become a doctor with all this going on? There was not a lot of room left in my head for studying every intricate detail of our complicated bodies. All of that clarity that was once there was abolished, it was gone. Except for her. When I was with her it was all fine. I was happy. I was settled.

 

It was a Saturday, she lay in the backyard with a guitar. She wore a big, floppy, white sunhat. She was not like the girls I knew. My friends, whom I violently love, are all girly girls. We do our makeup and we talk smack and drink and smoke and buy clothes together. But as the sun shone off her delicate cheeks I knew that she was not one of them. Her vulnerability was misinterpreted on my part as a knowledge. A knowledge of a way of life that was superior to these norms. So rebelled against this conforming expectation of the way we should act and the people we should hang around with. Enviable. Beautiful.

 

I slept that night. Well I tired to. I could personify that thought that kept me up. It was the first time I met it. Like it was sitting there at the end of the bed, perhaps behind the door. It was knocking and knocking and it wanted to come in. I didn’t open the door. But the next night it was back again. This time I though hey I can see what it wants. This time I tired to open the door a little bit. But there was so many barriers there. Thick fog and obstacles and gaits and stuff. I think that my grandparents and my parents had probably left them there from all those years of telling me it was wrong. These gaits were permanently erected and they were never to be let down. The thought couldn’t get thorough and it was going to have to wait outside. But that relentless little fucker didn’t stop trying. Every night it sat there at the door of my dreams and it knocked harder and harder. It mutated to something that could break through those barriers and all of a sudden the door opened and it was inside. Ok just briefly I thought. You can say g’day and then you can fuck off.

 

I though about kissing her. About touching her face. Physically I felt ill and super satisfied in one. Why oh why does this have to happen to me? Because in that moment I knew that now that thought was in, it was never going away again.

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I moved into her house. A beautiful red brick 4 bedroom place on a big Australian block along with an Irish couple and my Labradoodle. That was in the August. My long term relationship with my boyfriend of 6 years had been falling apart for a while. As my feelings for him got weaker and weaker, my desire to touch her face and kiss her lips became stronger and stronger. She was everything I wanted to be. Exuding this aura of calm but executing the difficult trade of medicine on a daily basis at the same time. Man I wanted to be just like her when I finished studying. Perhaps I wanted to be her? Perhaps I wanted to be with her?

 

Yes all I wanted to do was be with her. But I wasn't a lesbian. I had never even looked at another girl before. I liked boys so much - I had them stuck all over my walls and inside my locker back in school, so surely that protected me from these feelings? Why oh why wouldn't they go away? And every morning I ran. I didn't sleep much with all these thoughts redefining me, so I got up early and I ran. And then I went to the hospital to study all day. And then I came home and I tried to run some more. Physically I was getting very skinny and wearing my body down. Mentally i was tired from med school and emotionally i was a wreck. How is it possible that someone who had their life so put together could be completely falling apart?

 

But when I got home and her car was out the front my heart beat so fast. I couldn't wipe the smile from my face. I wanted her to hug me and hold my hand. I wanted to smell her hair. I wanted her to teach me guitar and sing. She had the voice of an angel. It sent tingles from the top of my head to the base of my spine. It still does.. Those tingles that radiate all over your body and create a sense of peace that get be replicated. And in those moments my thoughts were still and my mind was calm and despite being in a world of complete confusion, in those moments everything was better than ever.

 

By October I broke up with my boyfriend and I had only one thing on my mind..

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Beautiful! Keep writing!

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Yes do keep writing:) You can so eloquently say some of my feelings. I too ran. I was sooooooooo fit but now I have got over my crush (ish) I am back on the couch.

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Thank you :) I have a MASSIVE smile on my face to know that people are enjoying this and can relate to it..

 

Now I will describe her to you. Through my eyes tarnished by a love that would eventually be bigger than any I had ever known before. She was beautiful. On the inside and the outside. Like she was a good person. I once found a receipt that she had donated $1000 to charity, which would have been equivalent to a weeks wage at that stage. But she never told any one that she did these things, she just did them. The goodness of her soul and her kind heart radiated through every inch of her pale skin. Her hair long and brown, with a slight curl and a heaviness that moved only slightly in the sea breeze. A breeze that swept through it often because thats where we would sit. On the beautiful isolated sand dunes of one of Australia's most pristine beaches and watch the sun set. Where she would sing and I would melt. Some nights we camped there. There is one spot where you cant be seen from the shore or the ocean. The complete privacy of natures walls. A small tent, some gin and always a guitar. And as my labradoodle Macy frolicked in the sand dunes, I looked up at the the stars in the open sky and tried my hardest not to stare at her sleeping.

 

She slept so softly. Her skin soft with freckles, not many. Her slender neck, her small wrists. She always wore her bikinis to bed. She was beautiful like a rose - and that was her name. Sleeping next to her made me need to touch her. How strange this new feeling was. She was female, this was ridiculous. But boy oh boy I just wanted to kiss those lips and touch her face. It would be the last night that I slept next to her that I didn't. Cause I had to do something about this, I was going crazy!

 

But this was also the best friend I had ever had. The ying to my yang. She taught me to be balanced. What if I did something and she wasn't reciprocating these feelings? Our friendship would be ruined forever. Oh the constant rumination. Every day, everything she did I was obsessed - was she gay? I didn't think so cause she talked about boys, but not that often and I had never known her to bring one home. But she never spoke of girls. She once said that she liked Missy Higgin's music less when she found out she was a lesbian. I thought that was ridiculous. But it didn't matter what she said as long as she was speaking to me. It was summer by now and I was on school break. We walked through the botanical gardens everynight, sometimes we linked arms and skipped like delighted school children. One time I took the jumper wrapped around her waist and lassoed her with it, we fell to the ground together on the soft grass. We ate dinner on beanbags outside and watched the bats circle above our heads as they went out for their nightly hunt. We watched movies together in the dark and afterwards she would look at me and ask 'now what?'

 

Now what? Now I want to kiss your beautiful face! Surely she liked me. Perhaps I should just be the romantic and go in for the kiss? But what if she freaked out and ran? She had been known to run from her problems, quietly disappear by herself for hours. It added to her mystery. It was just another thing that made her so interesting to me, so intriguing. I felt it physically. I followed her like a puppy dog. She had become the centre of my universe. I went on my first post boyfriend date with a hot guy I picked up in the library. He was lovely - would make a great husband I thought. But I left early to go home to be with her. This was getting ridiculous. I was obsessed.

 

It was my housmates anniversary they were having a picnic in the park. We were in the kitchen after spending wonderful hours together walking and laughing and cooking. She took my hand and held it. She had a long pink ribbon and she intertwined it around my fingers, my wrist and then hers. "whens our anniversary?" she asked. Then ribbon moved through every part of my anatomy. Far out, she must like me.

 

There is this beautiful quote by Anais Nin "and then the day cam when the risk to remain tight in the cocoon was more painful than the risk it took to bloom"...

It was time to break out...

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Mmmmmm....just enjoying the tingle!

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So it was time to break from my cocoon. I couldn't keep this secret to myself any longer. There was no way I could live my life without confessing the greatest crush that I had ever experienced. It had been 4 solid months of pining now and it is was only getting bigger and bigger. That's it - the next opportunity and I am just going to tell her.

 

It was Saturday - I think it was the 11th of January. It was warm that day and I was just home from Melbourne to find an empty house. I called her up and she was at the pub with some other mutual friends. I remember getting ready to head out. I started on the red wine cause I needed courage. I still remember the songs that were playing as I danced around my bedroom and did my make up. I wore my long pink skirt and my small, tight white singlet. My skin was brown from so many long days at the beach and as always I was so excited to spend time with her I couldn't control myself.

 

The time at the pub proceeded uneventfully and we came home just the two of us afterwards. We sat in the lounge and I played guitar whilst she sang. That voice. I stared at her. She smiled and flicked her long brown hair from across her face. The warm summer air created a stillness that settled my growing anxiety. Leaving me alone she quickly went to bed and left me a contemplating my inner demons. Its now or never I concluded.

 

Being brave in life has always worked out well for me. And this is no exception. It is perhaps however the bravest thing I have ever done.

 

The walk down the hallway was longer than usual. I knocked gently on the door and was invited in. She sat cross-legged and upright on her bed. The window was open behind her and that warm summer breeze filled the room. I turned the light off and sat across from her in the same position."I have to tell you something" I mumbled. She was quite concerned thinking I was pregnant or getting back with my ex-boyfriend. But I took her hands in mine and stared into her brown eyes. Her eyes have this tendency to look like they want to jump out at you, and when they are dead fixed on you they create this depth that draws you in and does not let go. "I like you" I eventually and courageously blurted out. "I like you too" she replied. "No I LIKE you".. "Oh" she said "but I like boys.." "I know, so do I"...

 

The next 20minutes were horrible. Everything came crashing down very quickly. We spoke about how I was newly single and how my feelings for her just became confused. She said that she was flattered but was very certain about her heterosexual orientation. I felt.so.stupid! How could I have missed interpreted this so poorly for so long. What was going to happen to our friendship when the lights were back on. I had ruined it for ever.

 

But the next thing she said changed everything forever. She would tell me during her inner struggles of the months to come that it was this line that she regretted the most. It was this line that opened the gates of emotion and enabled us to cross that line. And once you cross that line you cant go back. A thought can be a thought for as long as it wants and it can get as big as it likes but once it becomes an action you have personified it and it will have a life of its own.

 

"what if I let you kiss me?" She says. "Then you will see that there is nothing here, that its not a big deal and that this will all go away".

 

"you will let me kiss you?'" I bashfully clarified. Yup. Sure. Fuck. ok. Am I actually going to do this? I don't know how to kiss a girl.. Surely its the same as kissing a guy. What if its better than kissing a guy? What if I kiss her and discover Im a lesbian? Maybe she is right, maybe this will be crap? Oh well I've come this far and there is no turning back now and Im drunk enough so Ill just do it. It will probably last 2minutes and then it will be over and we will laugh in the morning.

 

I rolled onto my side and supported my weight as I leaned over her with my face. Those big brown eyes popped out at me innocently. Her face was smaller than anyone's I had kissed before. I took her hand in mine and leaned in. Our lips touched. It was so soft and sensual. It was slow and delicate and lovely. We moved very slowly. Our cheeks touched. She introduced her tongue and explored my mouth. She tasted like vanilla lipgloss. Every moment was a connection. It didn't stop this kiss for 20 minutes. She tingled her fingers gently over my back and as she lay her body on top of mine I ran my fingers through her beautiful long hair as it swept across my face.

 

And when this kiss stopped we spoke and then we kissed again. And this kiss lasted an hour. And then we moved to my bedroom and we kissed some more. As the sunday sun rose we were still kissing and we were both perplexed, but it was wonderful. I wish we could have stayed in that moment for ever, in the darkness. Because I knew that when the lights were on again things would no longer be so perfectly simple..

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Fanning myself ;)

 

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We slept for maybe 3 hours. Its possible that we actually fell asleep kissing. We were both astonishingly surprised at how amazing it had been. I was excited that everything I felt for so long had been reciprocated and finally come to fruition. I was also reassured that during the night I didn't have an overwhelming desire to rip off her clothes. So surely I wasn't a lesbian. I just enjoyed a nice, close connection with my crush. I looked over to her sleeping next to me. She looked quite dishevelled. Wearing her pink nighty with her back to me I just didn't know what to do. I leant over and kissed her cheek - 'good morning'. It was all a bit awkward. I thought perhaps I had ruined her. Taken her innocence there and then. Perhaps I had?

 

I showered but by the time I was done she was gone. She had left a message 'I need some time to think' and I had to respect that. I had been thinking about this day for months. I had thought about every minute detail. I was delighted with the way that things had panned out. But she had not. For her this was day 1. This was as confronting right now for her as it was for me in September's sunshine so long ago. For that I had to forgive her, for that I had to be patient and for that I had to let her run with the hope that she would come back to me on her own accord.

 

Hours later I sent her a text giving her permission to forget it all. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to I explained. We can just forget about it - I didn't want to loose my friendship. That was my priority. That day took forever. Macy and I sat alone at the beach and watched the waves roll by. The sand between my toes and the fresh air was no consolation for my anxiety. Every minute that I didn't hear back from her my heart beat faster. It was horrible. What had I done? Had I lost the best friend I ever had? On one hand I was so relieved that all of these thoughts had finally materialised and so I could put them at rest - all my fantasies had been reciprocated, but on the other hand - there were SO many new things to think about. So many new thoughts that I had not pre-empted occurring. I am just not sure if this state is better or worse than it was yesterday? Fuck! I've fucked it all - me, her and my sanity!

 

It was 10 painstaking hours before she reappeared in the doorway. By this stage I lay on the lounge, exhausted in my thoughts and analysis. She looked fresh as a daisy. I was just so happy to see her. She smiled - I enjoyed the facade. "Sorry for not writing back. But I think its just best to forget about last night altogether, lets just pretend it was like a bad dream". Ok. Of course I agreed. The only thing worse than this love being unrequited would be not having her in my life at all. Who would I be without her? She was my world. After dinner we walked around the neighbourhood as the brilliant red sun set and cast a warm haze over our friendship as we picked flowers and figs from the trees. We pretended like nothing had happened. Fakely and silently we concluded that we could just continue like nothing had changed. But it had. And once again I tried with all my might not to picture her delicate face in my hands..

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:( .... How long are you going to make us wait? Hurry back

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The 2 weeks that followed were some of the longest of my life. I would arrive home and her car was gone. She would stay out until 11pm and then sneak in after I had gone to bed. Her home was her haven and now she was afraid of being there. This was bad. She had also begun retreating to her bedroom and shutting the door to eat breakfast, I had barely seen her since the weekend. On the 3rd morning of avoidance I knocked on the door. Her voice was stern as she invited me in. She sat on her bed with her computer and avoided my eye contact. She was wearing a loose dress and had her hair in a long plait. I often thought she dressed inappropriately as a doctor but she always looked beautiful.

 

'Are you ok? Have a destroyed you?' I asked. She replied that she was fine and that I hadn't. My over-riding emotion now was one of anger. What had I done? Why couldn't I just keep my stupid feelings to myself? Driving to work I screamed! I hit my steering wheel and screamed again and again "Fuuuuuuuuuccccck".

I checked my phone obsessively. The usual stream of lovely messages and sweet pictures of her daily activities had all discontinued since our night. My phone was empty and so was my heart.

 

With a bit of time she obviously started to process things. Eventually one night about a week later she told me she was so angry with me. She said that she would get over, like she had gotten over other bad things in her life before - such as her melanoma and the confrontation of the passing of her pet sheep when she was a child. I was pretty sure I had just been directly compared to cancer and death, but hey at least she was talking to me again! And I could understand mostly. I mean this was driving me bonkers and I had been thinking about it for almost 5 months now- she had only 10 days to start processing. So I had to forgive her inability to deal with it, I had to forgive the mean things escaping her mouth and I had to appreciate her making the effort to fix our friendship. Because I had quite rightly tried to fuck it up.

 

I had a road trip planned with a guy from school, Reegan. We were going to drive up the East coast and finish in Byron Bay. I wasn't sure if this was the best or worst timing in the world with everything going on in my house and in my head. The night before we left Reegan and Rose met for the first time. 'He is drop dead gorgeous and so lovely' she tells me. 'You are going to have a fun trip!' Later that night when we were alone we walked through the nearby parklands as the sunset and the air was so warm we could wear shorts and singlets. We linked arms and smiled. We sat in the old tree like school girls. She made me feel that youthful freeness. Like being with your best friend in your treehouse - because I was. And we spoke about that night that everything had happened. I apologised but she understood how I could have got my feelings so mixed up. We agreed that it would never happen again. Our friendship was too important.

 

It was 'nice' though, she reflected. And there it was again that slight glimmer of hope for something more. Perhaps she felt more than she was letting on here? More than she would even admit to herself? No, no, no - DO NOT let that thought in again. Fight it with everything this time and leave things here in this good, pure place of friendship.

 

If anyone had told me in that moment how the rest of the year was going to pan out, I would have fallen over...

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Reegan arrived at my house early the next morning. We strapped the surfboards to the roof and plugged in our music. The tent was ready and we a dozen pairs of bathers, a guitar and not much else. Except shoes - I bought a ridiculous amount of various shoes; he reminded me daily! Buy hey you don't know when you may just need your heels! Our excitement was tangible as we drove out of the house. I hadn't seen Rose that morning, she had stayed in her room. I wanted to hug her goodbye but I was reassured that we had left things in a good place and so I went on my merry way.

 

When I was with my ex I used to dream of men like Reegan. Frequently. He was the hottest guy at med school and deep down I couldn't believe that he wanted to spend an extended period of time with just me. He was smart and deep and we talked about the way water runs down the drain in opposite directions in different hemispheres and analysed introverts and extroverts. He was definitely an extrovert. The next day he carelessly water-skied behind a boat. He climbed rock faces and disappeared from sight and surfed big breaks with the dolphins.

 

He wore y-fronts to bed and nothing else. His body was ridiculous! It did not have a scrap of fat on it. His abdominal muscles moved with his every breath. His arms were strong and he made me feel small despite being so tall. His skin was so dark and sun kissed. His hair was think and black and reflected off his smile. He was gorgeous and he knew it. He taught me that such a smile and a bit of eye contact can get you almost anything you want from any stranger. We flirted often during the day. He lifted me up and threw me in the water or piggy backed me. Then at night I laid in his masculine arms and he spooned me gently.

 

We lasted until about night 3 before we hooked up. He undressed me slowly in the tent. His body moved over mine like a well oiled machine. 'There is nothing of you' he said. 'You have such a hot body'. He moved up and down kissing me in all the right places. I laughed. He was like a casanova, he knew exactly what he was doing. It was the first time a man had been on top of me since my ex and I told him that. He breathed heavily into my ears, he kissed the nape of my neck and licked down my body to the place where everything was heaven. He was certainly very good at this.

 

I enjoyed every minute with this sexy man. Later in the week we had sex. His penis was as attractive as the rest of him. And of course he knew what to do with it. I really need to work on my skills here I thought. I had become far too complacent with the usual sexual routine with my ex. It was great, he was not a selfish lover. One afternoon after getting the hot tip from a local lady we drove up a hillside and walked a kilometre through think rainforest scrub to find an isolated beach. The seaweed was greener than lush grass, the starfish swam and the waves rolled in long lengths across the bay lapping onto the blonde sand. Reegan and I skinny dipped and frolicked across this beach we had to ourselves. He grabbed me behind the rock and kissed me passionately. He reached his salty fingers down and deep within and I felt at one with this beautiful environment inside and out.

 

And far out I was so glad that I still liked boys. This definitely affirmed that I wasn't a lesbian. Here and now I could consolidate in my mind that she was just my best friend and one day we will just laugh about that crazy night in January. She called regularly and I spoke about her continuously, I wished only that she could have been here with me to see some of the beauty that was entering my eyes every day. She appreciated that - nature and the beach and all things in balance. It was the thing we had most in common.

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Why do these women fuck with our heads!!!! This story makes my nipples HOT... Torture!

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By the start of February things were feeling relatively normal. We had spent lots of time together again and I had used all my power to keep 'those thoughts' locked away in the depths of my memory. She moved home to the coast on the 2nd to take six months off from work to holiday and travel. This had always been her plan. The night before she left we went to dinner just us. I was so blissfully happy in her company. It didn't matter if she didn't feel the same as I did, I was just so delighted to have my friend back. But honestly I didn't know what I was going to do without her. Little did I realise at the time but in spending so much time with her I had begun to isolate myself from my large group of friends and my loving family. They had started to watch me curiously from more of a far than ever before. Because she had become my world. I wanted only what she wanted and I didn't need anyone else. But now she was leaving and I would be truly alone for the first time.

 

And so continued the daily updates of her goings - pictures of flowers and shells. All those little things that could only mean so much between us. I thought that often. If these pictures were sent to a boyfriend he wouldn't look twice, and to another mate you would think, cool nice flower, and then forget about it. But between us, they meant everything. I loved it. I knew what she was doing every moment of the day. She was living about 4hours away and I went to visit just once. She brought up the 'awkward' night that we had had as she had been thinking so much about it. I was ready to move on by now. It seems she was only just starting to process it all - something that I was yet to learn would become a common theme. But I reassured her that we were ok, it would never happen again. I resisted my desire to sneak into her room that night (and apparently she mine), it was all for the greater good. Like only two girls would, we wrote each other secret letters and ripped them into pieces and threw them into the ocean. They said everything honest and nothing else. And there was this moment where we sat in the garden and she looked at my non-disclosingly. I couldn't read that look, it was one of depth but with a smile that reflected the sunlight from her pale skin. I would soon enough learn what it meant.

 

So things continued much the same for the next month. Messages and phonecalls and endless kindness. A friendship that I was desperate to maintain at this new distance. No talk of January. I used this time to start to process my break up with my ex and get back into school life for another long year. It was certainly a lot less exciting picking flowers without my Rose. Soon enough March rolled around and so did my Birthday. My day was so filled with love. Friends, family and flowers from near and far. I was so lucky to have so many people in my life, this is so important when you are newly single I reflected.

 

After school I geared up for a quick run before a big dinner with my favourite friends. But before I could leave my front door opens suddenly and she walks in. Floats in may be a better word. Far out! I was so excited and surprised. And surprises are my favourite thing in the entire world. She looked like a fairy with a basket of magic dust. She brought fresh fruit and veg from the farm, a massive bouquet of flowers and frame of photos of us and our recent ventures. Needless to say I was completely blown away. I hugged her with a smile that stretched across my face and a sparkle in my eye. The words of her card were eloquent highlighting how close we had come as friends and although things had got a bit 'rocky' we were only stronger for it. Happy Birthday to me :)

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Your foreshadowing is KILLING ME!! hahha...If i could just ...peek.. behind ...those... words .... mmm

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I am loving every second of this story!

 

If this were a novel I would be so tempted to look at the last page right now ;)

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Rose planned on staying as long or as little as she liked. Thats what she was all about. Being unpredictable and uncontrolled. It was what made her most intriguing to me. It still is. Post birthday dinner we decided to pack the tent, the dog and the guitar and head up the ocean road. We had only one night because I had an exam to study for the next day. But this time was precious and whilst we were alone she would have my undivided attention. Our day was spent talking mostly, sitting in the sand in bikinis, swimming in the rock pools that went from shallow to oh so deep without warning and floating along in long dresses without shoes like modern medical hippies.  

 

After dinner we found a small spot under a bridge and back off the highway to set up our tent. A local guy had told us it was a safe enough to camp illegally and it provided complete isolation. We set up by the bank of a tiny river as it trickled under the bridge and made its eventual way to the ocean. The sea breeze was cool but we had gin to keep us warm as we spoke of all the worlds problems. We learnt a lot about each other that night. She told me her deepest secrets. She was so vulnerable. The one person who had life more figured out than me didn't seem to have that much figured out at all. She had so much life to live and experience to create. Im not sure why I was surprised, this was so true for so many people who study medicine straight from high school and had to become so serious so soon. Her innocence beamed through her tears. It was enthralling. I sat behind her with my arms around her shoulders and we stared up into the starry black sky. 'Its ok' I said. 'Im here for you. Ill always be here for you. There is no way you can get rid of me now, you're stuck with me for life'. She smiled.

 

With that we went to bed. Just us in our little tent. Well and Macy.. (sometimes I think she should be telling this story) we lay immediately close. She had her back to me and slowly I coiled my body around hers to comfort her. It was nice to feel bigger than her, like I could protect her. I care about her so much. My arm was over her body and she took my hand. She stroked and caressed my fingers in hers. Tingles ran from the top of my head to my toenails. Something inside me drew me closer and closer to her. I felt it with every part of my anatomy. But there was no way I was making a move this time. The ball was certainly in her court. Surely she is feeling this.. surely? For twenty minutes we lay close silenced by the waves smashing into the shore in the close distance. My eyes fell heavy and my mind finally starting to rest, 'OK THIS is RIDICULOUS' -she startles me, violently turning her head to catch my eye for just one second.

 

Obviously I knew exactly what she meant. Every tiny hair follicle in my body knew exactly what she meant. "what do you mean?" I asked coyly. 'You know what I mean?'. 'No, I don't, you are going to have to tell me' I again replied my cheek now right up against hers, her breath shallow and increasing. 'No'. 'Come on, you can tell me, you can tell me anything'. 'No.... But you can guess' she mutters. Hmmm... ummm 'I don't know, do you want to kiss me?' I ask 'Maybe..' she replies. 'Do you want me to kiss you?'.... was my next question.

 

She turned to face me. I moved my face closer. Our noses touched and our lips met. Lip balm. She always tasted like lip balm. Her lips were soft and subtle and as gentle as I had remembered. But this kiss, this time, held so much more. In January it had been soft and nice. But now, now there was some type of electricity here and we both felt it. Fuck! I withdrew, I looked at her. I understood finally, but in the same moment I had worked so hard to get over this and make this friendship recover finally. But my body, my body was not going to listen to my head right now. I looked at her, I touched her face, the kissing continued. Fuck No! She did the same thing. She pushed me away, reflected instantly and came back to me. What were we doing? Why wasn't anybody stopping us?

 

I ran my fingers down her neck and across the top of her chest. She was wearing bikinis under a loose singlet. I ran my fingers down her arms and her heart beat fast. Probably even as fast as mine. She lay on top of me. This was intense. Not just in the physical sense but emotionally as well. I had thought about this everyday for so so long and she had denied me of it, and now here she was reciprocating. I wasn't crazy after all. She felt it too. I knew she did!

My mind was racing as she took my hand and lifted it to her breast. I felt like an amateur. I touched it gently, I was too nervous to do much else but it certainly felt good. And she let out these little whimpers as I did. And she ran her tongue over the inside of my gums under my lips and behind my teeth and within my cheeks. And she explored every part of my mouth and in that moment she took from me any level of control that I pretended to have here. Her mouth demanded my full attention, every subtlety radiated my spine. So careful, so soft, so genuine.

 

And we kissed for hours stopping only to speak of how it didn't make sense and it was wrong. But then we did it some more. "How can something so wrong feel so good?" That is the first time that she asked me that. It is certainly not the last. I wanted to kiss you when you visited me she explained, I thought about sneaking into your room and I thought you were flirting with me in the garden. Woohoo! I did a little dance in my head. As confused as I was, I don't think I had ever been happier. Eventually she slept in my arms. Her hair smelt like the ocean and her face like vanilla and gin.

 

I hoped only in the morning that this time she would not run from me. This time we both had time to process...

Edited by Loulou Bell
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I am loving every second of this story!

 

If this were a novel I would be so tempted to look at the last page right now ;)

ME TOO..... i'm so bad ;)
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ME TOO..... i'm so bad ;)

 

Ohhh I do love a bad girl :cheese: :girldevil:

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Ohhh I do love a bad girl :cheese: :girldevil:

I know you do RosieCheeks.... That's why I like you so much :)
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I can't imagine you had a better opportunity than THAT one.... JUST KISSING??? make her cum already...i'm begging you...lol fuck.

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