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  • GypsyButterfly

    A Note Just For You

    By GypsyButterfly

    If I don't phone, text or email you, please know you're still in my mind & heart. Which is why I can't contact you. It would hurt too much. It might lessen in time, but, I don't know if it will ever completely go away. If you reach out to me (which I hope that you will), I may not answer or get back with you. Believe me, I want to, more than anything. I'm keeping all of the messages. Even if they seem to be deleted, I saved them elsewhere. Right now, I don't have my phone on much & I'm not checking my email. The phone would probably be the best place,though, when you want to get a hold of me.
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  1. Forgive my sudden intrusion. Re-entry is what this is. I joined many years in the past and have rolled, tumbled and endured gushing wounds along this path to self-acceptance. I wanted... perhaps, even, needed that bright, shiny label. I was so eager to uncap the pink, purple and blue marker and spell my name on a white, fat sticker that I could fix above my heart: bisexual, here!

    I have learned that it's not so simple. I remember when I joined and I look back on the confusion, the fear, the titillation, the joy in finding others like me. I remember leaning over and looking down straight into the depths of my own uncertainty and wondering if it would be right to jump. And I did. I fell through darkness and light. Happiness and misery. I fell again, and again and again and again. And when I landed, and spat shattered teeth into my palm, I swore it was over for me. I swore that I would never venture outside of the neat little fence I set up for myself around this hut of isolation. It's too much trouble, I said, My heart can't take it.  And yet...

    Sometimes I miss the connection. I miss having a reason to check my phone early... when the birds first chatter their sweet songs, accompanying the slow birth of the morning sun. I miss inside jokes, texted in the late afternoon. I miss pictures of self, taken for one, and one alone. I miss sending something that, when opened, would bloom a brilliant smile across a sweet face. I miss being wanted, desired. I miss the anticipation of heart-bursting ecstasy, signified by a lopsided red circle on a kitchen calendar. I miss sifting through a pile of sappy nicknames. I miss pinning the ultimate love song to her lapel and smiling, feeling my heart beat hard enough to vibrate my chest whenever I would hear it. I miss remembering every wonderful, stupid little detail about her. Like her favorite brand of perfume. Or the first time she heard her favorite band live. I miss breathing out warm passion and hearing it echoed back, in perfect sync. I miss all that, and more. Damn it. Sometimes, in small and large ways... I really want a girlfriend again.

  2. I have been meaning to write a new blog for a while and update things a bit haha My life has changed in so many ways since I first found this site and most of it for the better. The most obvious reason being I found a girl and fell in love. I suppose I should start at the beginning. 

    I am from a very small rural community that is conservative to the core. Not settling down and having babies is just not how things are done here. Struggling with feeling attractions to girls wasn't the norm.

    See I was rejected for years. Never got asked out. Never got hit on. Finally dated a few guys after high school and it wasn't much.  It was then I met my first gf. I was so starved for affection and attention that it didn't matter what hell she put me through because it was better than the alternative. This went on for a couple years until something terrible happened to me (I do not wish to add details). It cost me my job/career, what social circle I had and nearly took my sanity. I was immediately put on antidepressants and a mild sedative. With what I'd experienced the doctors thought it best to protect me from myself that way. About 6 months later I made the choice to stop it. I was shell of myself and I hated it. For me feeling nothing at all was worse than feeling bad. Throughout this time my gf stayed with me but her behavior didn't change. It was only at that point I realized that it was a toxic relationship. That I was only hurting myself by holding onto someone like her. Someone who wanted to use me for money and stability but couldn't be bothered to be faithful or even say a kind word most days. So I ended it. After that I started to pull my life back together. A close friend of mine started to show a romantic interest. I knew she was bi and she knew about me. She listened and supported me. She helped me through difficult times  and even dropped the L word. Turns out she only wanted me for my body. This all left me with a bad taste for relationships. At that point I wanted to be alone.

    I found a job and moved nearly 800 miles away. I worked hard and played harder. I did things just for myself. I went on a vacation for the first time in my life. I went skydiving and zip lining. I ran obstacle races and went dancing til the clubs shut down. And I did it all without a relationship. I found a sense of peace. I was starting to feel comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. Then there was the issue of my sexuality. Only my one brother (also bi as it turns out) knew about me. I was in a position where I could maybe explore my feelings and be a happier more open person. That's when I found shy's. Being able to read these forums and discuss topics that relate to so many things in my life was fantastic. It made me feel like I wasn't alone in how I dealt with my feelings. Then I met Rocky...

    I was in the chatroom. No different than any other time. Except this night she was there. She was witty and funny and a riot to talk to. I decided to take a peek at her profile and be her friend. I thought she was an absolutely gorgeous and wonderful woman. A delightful soul that I very much enjoyed being around and chatting with. One day she put up a post. She said she felt useless and miserable. I reached out in a pm. I'd stood in those shoes before and I knew it's a dreadful place to be. So we began to talk and we've never stopped. My reaching out blossomed into something incredible. I'd been single for years at this point and I wasn't looking for it but I found love.

    My dad's health had taken a turn and work was starting to dry up so I moved back home. That was almost 3 and a half years ago now. Since then my relationship with Rocky has grown. She has met most of my family and we have become engaged. To my family we were "friends" but It was during this past Christmas holiday while she was here that my mom decided to clear the air so to speak. She flat out asked if Rocky's family knew we were in an intimate relationship. It was an awkward discussion to say the least but now it's all out there. Most of my family know and are just fine with it. My one brother and dad are homophobic. At this point my my brother knows and had a meltdown when my mom accepted me without batting an eye. My dad does not nor do most friends and other family members. Being in such a small town makes it difficult but I prefer my private life to remain just that. Private. 

    To end this I would like to thank whoever reads all this to get to this point. I know it is long winded. Throughout my journey I have had this safe space to express myself. A place where I don't have to hide who I am and who I love. This site is an amazing source of support and I truely hope that those who are looking for it can find it here as I have.

    T

  3. This afternoon I had an appointment with the Dr, who will actually be the one to perform my surgery. Last time this cyst grew, it was in my right ovary. The tech that did my ultra sound told me it looked like it was in my right ovary, which makes sense. Well it's not, it's in my left ovary. Which means now we can only really suspect what it is until we get in there to take it out, although it looks like it's probably another dermoid/teratoma. She (the Dr) said because of the fact that that it's in my other ovary than before, and my age (34) she's only slightly more concerned about it. The chance of re-occurrence in the opposite ovary, and in someone over 25, is very small. Like 1%. So some blood work was ordered to make sure that there aren't any indicators in my blood that she needs to schedule an oncologist in the operating room with her.

    The bad news is that because of it's size, I will have to be cut open again. It's too large to safely remove any other way. She and I agreed that taking the entire ovary, dermoid and all, is the best route and she's okay with that because my other ovary is healthy and functioning just fine. We also discussed and agreed on taking my tubes.She indicated there is a lot of evidence that ovarian cancer sometimes starts in the fallopian tubes, and since she's leaving me an ovary, removing my tubes is a good preventative option. We are done having children, which is one of the reasons I made it a point to have my husband with me at this appointment, so he could also help convince the Dr that we were in complete agreement about not having any more children. I feel pretty relieved that she agreed to take the ovary whole instead of cutting it open and trying to save it, and she seemed a little relieved that I didn't have a problem with the other ovary staying in.

    It will be major surgery, she said to expect 6 - 8 weeks for recovery. The only real plus side of that I can think of is that now I won't need to figure out childcare for my son for a large portion of this summer! He's old enough that he's capable of helping me in the recovery process,so it will prevent my husband from having to take as much time off to help in the beginning.

     

    I feel like I've done my fair share of complaining about my neighbors, but things have gotten out of hand and the chief of police has gotten involved. This guy is threatening, his girlfriend is aggressive. I've seen him be violent and to be frank, I'm terrified of him. She's screamed at me (fuck you bitch, fuck you) from her house, which is about 10 feet from mine, when she saw me sitting at my dining room table once, doing homework with my 8 year old. I can barely stand the idea of being outside in my own yard or driveway and am literally only leaving my house when my husband forces me to, other than to go to work. I'm feeling trapped in my own home and it sucks,it sucks worse than almost anything I could have ever imagined. We've discussed it and as soon as we can we are putting the house up for sale. Not just because of this situation, but this is making us realize how important it is to NOT have to share our driveway with anyone. It's a huge nuisance and we've been lucky the first 12 years here that we didn't have issues before.

    I'm slowly shutting down. I've started pretty much ignoring everyone and everything, I just want to sleep. All the time.Which I know is a dangerous sign of a depression headed my way and I keep thinking if something would just give I could fight it off. But right now, I've thrown in the towel. Between these pricks next door and the idea of surgery, again, I'm not up to it. I asked my dr a few weeks ago for something for anxiety and he obliged. I've used it extremely sparingly and it's helped, but I'm afraid to get addicted so I won't use it even daily.

    I am so tired.Just tired of it all, all the time. Bigger and better things will surely come my way, eventually, but for now I just want to bitch about it. I'm a good person. Hard worker. Loving, caring individual. Kind and compassionate, trying my hardest not to raise an asshole.  Contributing member to society. But for the next few months I think even being a member of society is asking too much, I plan on just existing. And by next year this time, when I'm back to normal, I'll just remember this as a dark time I don't talk about.

  4. maxresdefault.jpg

     

    I'm not sure that I believe in love at first sight but I have no doubt whatsoever about book-love at first sight. This was confirmed for me recently when I became aware of a book published only 8 days ago on May 9, 2017. The book in question is The Evolution of Beauty: How Darwin's Forgotten Theory of Mate Choice Shapes the Animal World - and Us by ornithologist Richard O. Prum.

     

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    The early reviewers on Amazon are raving about this book - so far it's average rating is 5 out of 5 stars.  I've read the first 2 chapters and I'd have to agree - it's superlative. 

    https://www.amazon.com/Evolution-Beauty-Darwins-Forgotten-Theory/dp/0385537212/ref

     

    What is it about? Charles Darwin wrote a second book after The Origin of Species titled The Descent of Man, and Selection in Relation to Sex which was largely vilified and/or ignored by scientists for the past 145 years since it was published in 1871. In it Darwin proposed a second distinct engine of evolutionary change operating alongside natural selection called sexual selection which posited that sexual choice in mates, usually by the female in species, is responsible for the beauty we see in nature. When it was first published the idea that females could be a major driving factor in evolution was incomprehensible to patriarchal Victorian society. In this book Prum uses many examples from his lifelong career as a field ornithologist to show that Darwin was right all along and he had in fact written not one, but two revolutionary books about evolution and life.  

    I'll write another fuller blog post after reading and digesting this wonderful book. 

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    A Blue Jay - I see these birds frequently when I go for walks in the forest ravine near my home. 

    References:

    The Descent of Man, and Selection in Relation to Sexhttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Descent_of_Man,_and_Selection_in_Relation_to_Sex

    The Top Ten Most Beautiful Birds in the World

     

     

  5. nudous
    Latest Entry

    I feel like I've been messing everything up. 

    I have messed everything up. Things went so bad so quickly and I desperately tried to fix them. 

    I guess there was no fixing this. You had no intentions of letting it be fixed. 

    I feel so, so used. Was I just there for you to expirement with? And now that its out of your system you just toss me aside? 

    At least have the decency to tell me. Don't tell me you care about me, how we're so connected, how i make you so happy. Don't lead me on. Don't lie to me to make me feel better. 

    You never want to talk about this stuff with me. You'd rather bottle it all in. I can't do that anymore. I thought we were so crazy about each other... And now we're strangers. 

    I miss what we had, but it's very apparent you do not. I am incredibly hurt, but I still hope you find happiness or whatever it is you're looking for. 

    I just partly wish it was me. 

  6. celeste teal
    Latest Entry

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    The DC superhero Wonder Woman will soon be in the media spotlight as her first big screen motion picture opens on June 2nd. The movie, starring Gal Gadot has been a long time in coming as Wonder Woman was created by William Moulton Marston back in 1941. Last year marked the 75th anniversary of her creation and the occasion was celebrated by her being nominated as a ceremonial ambassador to the UN, a decision which was quickly overturned after a vigorous protest was organized by UN staff who objected to a fictional female superhero (created to be a role model for girls), being granted honorary status.

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    Lynda Carter and Gal Gadot (past and present actresses to portray Wonder Woman)

     

    Wonder Woman was indeed a champion for the rights of women when she created by Marston and  his inspiration came from the suffragettes and the first wave of feminism in 19th and early 20th century.   One particular source was the literary work of feminist Charlotte Perkins Gilman (1860-1935) who was a lecturer, writer and champion of autonomy for women.

    Her most known work is The Yellow Wallpaper, a short story about a woman who suffers emotional and mental breakdown as a result of a "rest-cure" prescribed by her doctor. The story mirrors Charlotte's experience with postpartum depression after the birth of her daughter when she was was subjected to "rest" which was in fact an emotionally damaging enforced isolation.  After recovering Gilman began her life's work of being a champion for the equality of women and the necessity for women to be able to work outside the home.

    Quote

    "The first duty of a human being is to assume the right functional relationship to society - more briefly, to find your real job, and do it."

    Gilman also wrote acclaimed non-fiction as well including Women and Economics and The Home: It's Work and Influence which elaborated on the thesis that women remained severely undeveloped when confined to domestic toil within a home.

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    "To work is not only a right, it is a duty. To work to the full capacity of one's powers is necessary for human development - the full use of one's best faculties - this is the health and happiness for both man and woman." 

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    Charlotte Perkins Gilman

     

    Gilman also wrote a trilogy of feminist utopian novels, and one in particular, Herland (1915) provided a setting that would be used to create the back story for Wonder Woman.

    Herland was a speculative work of fiction that explored the possible nature of a society made up of only women and girls.  The plot involves a group of 3 male explorers who discover a hidden plateau where a female-only society has been evolving separately from the rest of the world for over a thousand years. The women reproduce through parthogenesis, a type of asexual reproduction that is found in some species of fish, birds, amphibians and reptiles.  The men are surprised to discover that Herland is advanced technologically and yet ecologically sustainable and that it's inhabitants are well-educated, healthy and happy.  After a prolonged visit the men realize that Herland is a society that is superior to theirs in every possible way.

    Quote

    "The children in this country are the one center and focus of all our thoughts. Every step of our advance is always considered in its effect on them — on the race. You see, we are MOTHERS,” she repeated, as if in that she had said it all." - from Herland

    On-the-Cliff

    Herland is the inspiration for Wonder Woman's birth place and home - Paradise Island which is inhabited by only women who reproduce asexually. The story of Wonder Woman begins when a man, Steve Trevor is injured in a plane crash near Paradise Island and is rescued and brought back to health. Diana (Wonder Woman) falls in love with Trevor and travels back with him to help save the world from the Axis powers (the main concern in 1941), and other subsequent evils.

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    William Moulton Marston would have been very familiar with the works of Gilman and other feminists of the time because he was immersed in that world though his association with feminists. His childhood sweetheart and later wife Elizabeth Holloway,  a psychologist and attorney, exemplified the liberated woman who achieved success outside of the home.  Marston's mistress Olive Byrne was the niece of Margaret Sanger, the radical feminist who championed the birth-control movement in the US and founded the organization that would evolve into Planned Parenthood. Her mother Ethyl Byrne was also a radical feminist who championed for the same causes as her sister Margaret.

    Reading-Wonder-Woman

    Holloway and Byrne contributed to Wonder Woman both inspirationally and creatively; they provided advice and details about plots and dialog and it was Olive's article written for Family Circle in 1940 about Marston's views on the morality of comic books that caught the attention of M.C. Gaines, publisher of Superman.  Gaines would go on to hire Marston as a consultant and then as writer for a new female superhero, Wonder Woman.  She was conceived to be an inspiration for girls - she would be strong like Superman, but she would combine the use of that strength with wisdom and love. The comic was immediately popular and became one of DC comics most successful during the 1940s.

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    Marston's work as a Phd Psychologist also informed a belief in the goals of feminism, which he believed were important for improving the world.  The quotes below reveal how his ideas closely reflect the feminism of Charlotte Perkins Gilman.

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    Quote

    “The truest kindness to any woman is to provide her with an opportunity for self-expression in some constructive field: to work, not at home with cook-stove and scrubbing brush, but outside, independently, in the world of men and affairs.” 

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    “The only hope for civilization is the greater freedom, development and equality of women.” 

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    "Frankly, Wonder Woman is psychological propaganda for the new type of woman who should, I believe, rule the world." 

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    Marston also had quite radical ideas, especially for the time, about women's sexuality.  In his book Wonder Woman: Bondage and Feminism in the Marston/Peter [the illustrator] Comics 1941-1948 Noah Berlatsky summarizes Marston's views:

    Quote

    "...he devotes a whole subheading of Emotions of Normal People, titled “Women’s Passion,” to expounding on the commonness, normality, and general pleasantness of lesbian relationships. He starts by asserting that “nearly half of the female love relationships concerning which significant data could be obtained, were accompanied by bodily love stimulation” (Emotions 338). While it’s difficult to parse this statement precisely (is he actually saying that half of all female friendships involve lesbian sex?), it’s clear that female-female attraction is not, for him, a minority identity but is instead a potential available to, and enjoyed by, a very large number of women."

    Many people find a lesbian subtext in the early Wonder Women comics and recently DC comics announced that Wonder Woman is canonically bisexual (see blog post Fluid Icons).  Lesbianism was also present in Marston's unconventional family life.  Byrne, who met Marston while attending university was invited to live with the couple to ostensibly raise their children so that Elizabeth could continue her career without interruption. Their relationship became polyamorous, including sex between the women and Olive would go on to have two children of her own with Marston.

    Another woman, Marjorie Wilkes Huntley, was also considered part of the family, although she did not live permanently with the Marstons; when Huntley resided at the home the threesome became a foursome.  The complicated Marston relationships were a radical solution for building a family aligned with the goals of feminism - to allow Elizabeth Holloway to fulfill her full potential as a gifted attorney without having to sacrifice having her own children. Olive Byrne fulfilled her great talent and ambition to be an exceptional mother and she with Elizabeth allowed William to fulfill his potential in creating a superhero icon for women's rights that would have a significant and persisting impact on society.  There was more, though, to their family structure than vocational goals - there was a deliberate attempt made to fulfill the women's sexual potential, which included having have sex with other women.

    1947 Marston Photo (1)

    Marsten family photograph (1947) - Standing: Byrne Marston, Moulton (Pete) Marston, Olive Byrne Seated: Marjorie Wilkes Huntley, Olive Ann Marston. William Moulton Marston, Donn Marston, Elizabeth Holloway Marston

    [Olive's children are Byrne and Donn; Elizabeth's children are Olive Ann and Pete]

    After William's premature death in 1947 (he was only 54) DC Comics hired another writer to continue Wonder Women stories but she drifted away from the feminist roots that Marston, Holloway and Byrne had planted and she became an unrecognizable shadow of her former self during the 1950s and 1960s.  She was transformed into a figure that conformed to the status quo rather than one that championed for change.

    Holloway and Byrne remained together as a couple for the next 33 years until Byrne's death in 1980.

    In 1972 Gloria Steinem, who read Wonder Woman comics while growing up, chose her to be on the cover of the premier issue of Ms. Magazine thereby linking the 2nd wave of feminism of the 1970s to the 1st wave of the early 1900s. On Wonder Woman, Steinem is quoted as saying:

    Quote

    "Wonder Woman's family of Amazons on Paradise Island, her band of college girls in America, and her efforts to save individual women are all welcome examples of women working together and caring about each other's welfare. The idea of such cooperation may not seem particularly revolutionary to the male reader. Men are routinely depicted as working well together, but women know how rare and therefore exhilarating the idea of sisterhood really is. Wonder Woman's mother, Queen Hippolyte, offers yet another welcome example to young girls in search of a strong identity. Queen Hippolyte founds nations, wages war to protect Paradise Island, and sends her daughter off to fight the forces of evil in the world... Wonder Woman symbolizes many of the values of the women's culture that feminists are now trying to introduce into the mainstream: strength and self-reliance for women; sisterhood and mutual support among women; peacefulness and esteem for human life; a diminishment both of "masculine" aggression and of the belief that violence is the only way of solving conflicts."

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    In addition to the upcoming release of Wonder Woman there is a movie scheduled for release later in 2017 titled Professor Marston & the Wonder Women which will detail his unconventional life and the creation of Wonder Woman.  It will be interesting to see if the full extent of the domestic and romantic arrangements that Marston, Holloway and Byrne lived with will be depicted in the movie. They were way ahead of their time socially and perhaps their free polyamorous bisexual lifestyle is still too risqué to portray even in our supposedly progressive and tolerant era.

     

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    References:

    Melody Hour - Louis Icart

    Charlotte Perkins Gilman http:// https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlotte_Perkins_Gilman

    Herland, by Carlotte Perkins Gilmanhttp:// http://www.gutenberg.org/files/32/32-h/32-h.htm [Many of Charlotte's written works are available for free at gutenberg as they are 100 years old, or older] An online version is available at: http://hilobrow.com/2013/07/16/herland-1/

    In addition, excellent audiobook versions are availble at youtube https://youtu.be/WJtrW-26NdI and Librivox http:// https://librivox.org/herland-by-charlotte-perkins-gilman/

    On the Cliff (1910) - Charles Courtney Curran [1861 - 1942]

    The Last Amazon: Wonder Woman returns by Jill Lapore http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2014/09/22/last-amazon 

    One less woman in politics: Wonder Woman loses job as UN ambassador https://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/dec/12/wonder-woman-un-ambassador-gender-equality

    Production Begins on Angela Robinson’s “Professor Marston and the Wonder Women” https://blog.womenandhollywood.com/production-begins-on-angela-robinsons-professor-marston-and-the-wonder-women-5f791bbcdd3

    The Secret History of Wonder Woman by Jill Lapore https://www.amazon.com/Secret-History-Wonder-Woman/dp/0804173400 [This excellent book focuses on the lives of the people who created Wonder Woman and those who influenced them. Highly reccomeded]

    The Surprising Origin Story of Wonder Woman by Jill Lepore  http://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/origin-story-wonder-woman-180952710/

    Wonder Woman: Bondage and Feminism in the Marston/Peter Comics 1941-1948 by Noah Berlatsky https://www.amazon.com/Wonder-Woman-Bondage-Feminism-1941-1948/dp/0813564182 [Another excellent book that focuses on and analyses the content of the comics themselves]

    Wonder Women of History http:// http://womanwondrous.juliamichels.net/wonder-women-of-history/  [Included in every issue of the early Wonder Woman comics was a quite elaborate (for comics) mini-story about a famous and/or important woman from the past. This is a list of each person chosen.

    Bound to Blog - The Hooded Utilitarian http://www.hoodedutilitarian.com/2009/04/bound-to-blog-wonder-woman-1/ [This is a blog by Noah Berlatsky in which he blogs an in-depth analysis of every issue of the early Marston/Peter Wonder Woman No.1-28, Recommended if you are a nerd or fascinated by the feminist vision of Marston]  

  7. Hi Shybi Family!!!!!!!

    I am sure many women have been in enough relationships regardless of sex (hopefully more than one) to be able to decipher when a person's interactions with us means us good or harm. Today, I'd like to talk about we women being jaded (fooled) by politeness. A politeness so complimentary, nice, so disarming..................it sets you up to be betrayed.

     

    I have had been a victim of "politeness," disguised in many forms a few times in my life............by men and women. In terms of men.............it's the general scenarios where you meet some "nice" guy who's good looking, charming, charismatic................saying all the right things to get you. Whether it's to get into your pants or get your hand in marriage...........the guy clearly has an agenda (as you see later in the relationship). After sometime in the relationship you learn this person really isn't nice perhaps. Sometimes you learn the guy is a creep/pervert/sex addict. Sometimes you learn the guy lured you in for nothing more to take his mother' place in being his glorified maid, housekeeper, bed wench. Sometimes you learn the guy simply likes to control people.............you took the bait so you're it. Maybe he has mental health issues. A guy with multiple personalities, maybe he was bipolar or schizophrenic and on his meds when you met him...................polite and kind. He turned into a monster without them. Where oh where did that polite person go you ask yourself many a days. In any event, we end up in bad relationships with men sometimes because of their insincere politeness. Books have been written about men and their shenanigans. But it's the women that I would like to focus on right now.

     

    These same scenarios can take place regardless of sex. Politeness is a form of diplomacy..........easily disguised to ensnare an unsuspecting victim for personal gains.

     

    I have been straight jacked by some women in my life. I've also seen how we can turn our politeness on and off when it suits our needs. I've seen women use politeness to disarm and conduct absolutely stunning acts of betrayal. Like a high school best friend sleeping with my husband and sharing all of my personal secrets with him...............enabling him to come back and use them against me. Friends all throughout high school and she commits the ultimate betrayal. The same thing happened with another really good friend I helped a lot riding her around town in my car, having her at my home, breaking bread with her, even partying with her. She was nice, kind, mild, not the brightest apple in the barrel....................but she was smart enough, cunning enough, polite enough for me to allow her into my small circle to screw my boyfriend and fuck up my otherwise nice relationship. Nice right!

     

    I did all the things I was supposed to be, or so I thought. I was kind to someone that showed kindness. I was polite to people who were polite to me. I shared with people that shared with me...............I thought I had a firm grasp on protecting myself from being betrayed. Stabbed in the back. Pushed from behind by a ride-or-die friend or love. I was wrong. Being jaded by a woman can even be more difficult to get over than a man. We are supposed to have this invisible "sisterhood," regardless of age, sexual orientation, or ethnicity. We know how it feels to be poo poo'd on. We all have the horrible let down stories by friends and loved ones. But as a woman I must admit, being jaded and cut deep by a woman is so much more painful. Because most of us are sensitive, nurturing beings, it's almost inconceivable that a woman you're in love with could:

     

    • Cheat
    • Be Abusive (Physically, Emotionally, Sexually)
    • Be Deceitful /Deceptive
    • Act Selfishly, or
    • Use Sex and Kindness as Weapons for Behavior Modification

     

    Yes my friends...............we women can be some ugly critters at times. If you haven't had the experience yet, count it as a blessing. If you have................I hope you have healed and moved on. I say all this to say that as women, we must be careful to not be jaded by politeness or early expressions of love. Sometimes when someone is being overly polite, there are motives to betray us. When people are about to screw you over, they aren't usually mean which would give us a heads up. They are generally nice to you, to get you to drop your guard before they stick you in your ass with a pitchfork. It's a form of manipulation. For women, it's a manipulation we women have been labeled with since the beginning of time.............back to Adam and Eve (for the religious). So ladies..............as you embark on your lady love journeys, be wise.  How do you prevent being jaded by a new love or acquaintance (but can apply to anyone in general):

     

    • Self-Awareness (Be Aware): Be aware of conversational moods. One minute you have red flags going off all over the place and hairs standing up on the back of your necks. Pay attention to people and their sudden or renewed interest in you. It's likely not you, it could be what you bring to the table. Over-politeness is often difficult to detect when meeting new people, so go with your gut.

     

    We women can be mean, vindictive, cruel, selfish, manipulative human beings. We can also be kind, beautiful, caring, compassionate, loving, attentive human beings. As we go throughout our lives experimenting, searching and finding love, and when it's not right for us...........letting go, please be go into (and out of) any and all relationships (casual, committed, or otherwise) with a do no harm perspective. Leave the woman (or women) in your lives better than you found them.

     

    Ladies, don't take her kindness for weakness.  But the most important take away is to not allow another to disarm you, leaving you open to wounds.

     

    Have a wonderful week!

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    I've had a very rough few days...

    Something I say pretty often. More so these days. When anyone asks "How are you doing?" "How have you been?" "How's life treating you?" It's sometimes answered in the negative, awful, but mostly in a vague "Yeah fine" kinda way in order to avoid anyone probing for more. I don't see my accomplishments, what I've achieved, how far I've come, how much life has changed for the better, all I see is the darkness. Depression has been a cloud looming over my head for as long as I can remember. I often think if it wasn't for the pain him and I would have parted ways a long time ago. But then there's my BPD too, borderline personality disorder. It's often described as the emotional equivalent to third degree burns. Mix them both together, add chronic pain with no relief, and you get me. A train wreck. Maybe a hot mess is a nice way of putting it. But a mess none the same.

     

    Now I'm gonna try and focus on the positive for a moment, otherwise this will become a pity party real quick. The simple things most people go about doing every day, getting out of bed, showering, getting dressed, making something to eat, walking... They're all things I struggle with. If I've done all those things then that day is considered a success, a good day. I say this as I lie on my bed in my PJs, having not eaten because that was too much effort today. But the reason for this is because I was productive the last few days. I went out of my comfort zone and achieved something I never would have thought to ever do. I used my own initiative and progressed forward. So the pain I'm enduring now is partly because I did something good, something worthy of the pain that comes after.

     

    But how do you deal with the pain that's there not because you pushed yourself too hard and achieved something, but because this is something you have to deal with most days, something there isn't a magic pill for, or some form of relief, something that causes your mental health to deteriorate. What do you do when the pain is so intense that you feel like the only way to make it stop is to not be here anymore. That's happened to me many times before. This happened last night in fact. No one else was around and I thought to myself, I just want it to stop, who would care if I wasn't here anyway?

     

    I wasn't alone though, because I had my other half on the other end of the phone desperately trying to make me see the good things I have, how things aren't always gonna be dark, how bad days happen but we have to pull through them. She told me how she'd left her comfort zone and endured things she never thought she would because they positively affected us and our future. She told me how closer we get every day to being together every day. She stayed awake with me til late making me see that I am worth more than I believe I am. That I am loved, and needed, and appreciated. Even if I don't see it. She told me of how I've touched people's lives in amazing positive ways, including hers. That despite my negative upbringing I have worth and purpose.

     

    I reflect back to 2014 today, a particular day in January when I felt so worthless and useless that I made a status here because I hated myself so much, and I needed to vent that anger somewhere. I think about how that status brought into my life the caring wonderful woman above. How my depression and negative feelings brought something positive into my life, and how to this day she continues to be the positive to my negative. So maybe I suffered that day for a reason, maybe I was hurting so bad that it made me reach out in order to find something amazing. Maybe what I'm going through now has a reason, a purpose, maybe it doesn't, but if I don't stick around I'll never find out the answer.

    I'm often amazed at how kind people are to me, especially here, with their words and gestures. I find myself wondering why. I'm quite a moody, isolated closed off kind of person, who isn't particularly fond of being social. From my long conversation last night with my lady I've discovered something, that no matter how awful I feel, no matter how much I want to close myself off and be that moody awful person, I'm not. I put on a smile and I throw myself head first into people, I reach out and help, I offer my advice, my time, and this makes me see myself in a more positive light. Then this action is returned to me tenfold. But I've only now just seen it. So maybe being me isn't so bad after all, because it makes me a better person to those around me. It makes me, me. 

  8. I have some new suggestions for how to be an alcoholic. 

     

    1) Establish a drunk you vs. a sober you. My friends and family know which me they're dealing with based on if I remember the conversation from the previous day. Don't remember the advise I gave? It was good advise, but it came from drunk Silo, so you may have to fill in sober silo.

     

    2) That person you see in the mirror every morning that begs you to stop? That's you, just another version - one that desparately wants to get a good nights sleep. But ignore the baggy eyes and upset stomach, it's all about the night before.

    3) no one breaks a promise to you quite like yourself. Not going to drink tonight? Psh...keep dreaming sweet heart.

    4) Experience your own emotions, whether you wanted to or not. I didn't realize *this* was such a big heart break or emotional drag until I got drunk. Death in the family? It's whatever until I've had a few. Stress at work? It's a show stopper when you pair it with vodka.

    5) Letting go. All your life you've been the smartest, the most successful. Now your accomplishments would never have happened without your husband. You're almost 30 and child-less without a degree. Who cares that you're the first person member of your generation in your family to buy a house. It means nothing- it wasn't you, and you couldn't do it on your own. You're no thing. Even that life insurance salesman agrees. You wouldn't be able to live in this house without you're husband- but financially speaking, and from hubby's own mouth, he could live in this house without you.

    6) Your husband worries. You sometimes get so drunk you talk openly about suicide and how you hate yourself. He buys you tons of food and gives you every ounce of his attention because he knows drunk Silo will pass. In its place is sober Silo- who's smart mouthed and well humored and everyone loves her. She's there for her friends, and her family...just not herself. But sober Silo is sad, and she doesn't know why, and she can't explain it. But the sadness makes her thirsty, and the thirst makes her drink, and the drink makes her hate herself. Where does this fucking circle end? 

     

  9. Good day, ladies!

    It's been a long time since I've been sort of on hiatus from Shys. Certain things were draining the life out of me, and I finally I can breathe! A few things happened, and things are starting to turn up for the first time. 

    New Job

    I had been trying to get into this other district that is very hard to get into. I met someone on another website, and she and I had become friends. She essentially helped me get the job, and I am forever grateful to her. I swear, she's getting a NOICE Christmas present. He he! I'm so glad that I get to work with a good friend. It's been a long time since I've worked with a friend at work whom I kinda feel safe with. I don't trust people easily, but I think she might be someone I whom I can rely upon to help me. So that's great. 

    Relationship Flubs

    As many of you have figured out by now, those of you who keep up with my love life drama, my girlfriend and I broke up. I learned a valuable lesson: long distance relationships (LDR) do not work unless both parties are equally dedicated. I was working so much for someone who did not value my time. It took eight months and a $400 plane ticket for me to realize that. She even treated me horribly, as in she didn't give me much attention. She essentially told me that I was not good enough for her and that because of that, she wasn't able to spend time with me. It was interesting because her husband and I got along very well. So...there is that. 

    I also had a boyfriend whom I left because he didn't place me as a priority in his life. Enough said. I won't dwell on him. 

    Relationship Wins

    I met a new gentleman who is very kind to me, and we just started dating. Hopefully, he will stay around. He's very sweet to me and treats me like a queen. He is willing to come to me instead of me going to him. He always tells me about how beautiful I am and the funny thing is that he is a lot like my husband. He he! My husband and I are going great as always. I still love him so much. 

    Extracurriculars

    School has been going quite well. I'm going to school to get my degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, and it is a rather enjoyable and rewarding experience. It's gotten me to look into my life and notice many things. I can't wait to get my license to practice! I plan on advocating a lot for bisexual and pansexual people. We need all the support we can get. I'm also an admin for a kinky group of bi women too. I'm quite proud that I've had this position for quite a while. That has also kept me busy. 

     

    I'm looking forward to popping into groups and saying hello!

    Take care, ladies,

    Bella

  10. So, I've decided to be selfish. I am done always being everything to everyone at home. I am going to start taking time to just be me. 

    He is going to hate it, he is going to complain, but it is his fault. He always says I need to make time for me, it's my own fault I don't have a life outside the house. He'd be home if I made plans. So I decided to, I asked him to come home so I can go out on Friday. He asked if I could change my plans to another night, because he might be going out with the boys. He goes out every week, I can't remember the last time I got to. So no, I am going out Friday. I'll call the sitter if I have to. After that I may go out one night next week, if not I'll go the week after. I gave up my career to be a SAHM, and so far I've given up my life to it. It's his turn to give a little now, because I'm taking a little of my life back. If that makes a a selfish (insert fav offensive noun here) then so be it.

    For once, I am choosing to make myself happy. 

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    It's the next day since she told me the other night she didn't feel the same.

    I can't describe clearly all the range of thoughts, emotions and reactions I have racing through my head and chest.

    I know my husband meant well by suggesting I try to have something with her, but I kind of wish I hadn't tried.

     

    Clearly, what I thought and felt was mutual...was actually very one-sided and imaginary.

    I'm keeping my distance now, because I'm not sure what I should do. I'm sort of licking my wounds I guess?

    I still want to be friends, but I can't help feeling a bit reclusive and cautious.

     

    I think in the end...I still respond to these sort of things like I did 10+ years ago.

     

    I'm not unhappy with her...she has every right to feel how she feels and want what she wants.

    It's just something I have to accept and get over.

     

    Hopefully, that will come sooner than later.

  11. blog-0403708001492027684.jpg

    Hello again ladies,

     

    Well today was not a happy day for either netty or myself. This is the part about being in a long distance relationship that sucks, taking her back to the airport.

     

    We had an awesome time together but it was way too short and went by way too fast. If she wasn't going to be coming back with her daughter in July, it would've been even more difficult. Every time I come back home after taking her to the airport there's always a heaviness and a sadness because she was here with me in my home, which is now her second home. My sheets still smell of her, a parting gift to remind me of our times of intimacy with each other.

     

    The sex was and is amazing with her every time because it's so right and we are so connected.

     

    We finally were able to watch Below Her Mouth and that was a great movie with lots of sex :).

     

    Don't get me wrong I do understand that when you live with someone day in and day out that it's a whole different dynamic all together, but I think that we will not have a problem when that day arrives around 929 days from now or sooner. My youngest graduates high school June 2019 and will most likely live here in the condo and attend a local college then go off to a major college two years from then. I have a countdown clock so that I can look at the days.

     

    When I visited netty last summer I got to see where she lives and how beautiful it is over there. I have no doubt that we will have our disagreements on things, but for the most part I am going to enjoy living there with her because she's the love of my life. I don't expect my family to understand but maybe one day they'll get it. My life is just that; my life and no one is going to convince me otherwise. My children will all be adults and living their own lives as I have raised them to be. I know that my youngest will be successful at whatever she chooses to pursue.

     

    My mother barely visits me now and I only live a little over an hour away and I mostly communicate with my dad via email because we can't speak civilly to each other on the phone and he usually only gets up here when something breaks or he decides he just wants to come visit me. My sister hardly ever calls me and she's on her religious high horse claiming that she still loves me but that it's "wrong" to live like I'm living according to the bible. I used to be religious myself but religion never saved or helped anyone. I still have my faith and consider myself to be very spiritual but I can never go back to living the way that my mom and my sister live. My dad understands me and he gets it and he's very supportive of my relationship with netty. I think he really likes her alot and he's even told her he loves her. I know my mom and my sister love me too but they just don't understand and I don't expect them too. My mom says that I'm leaving everyone behind to run off and go live in Scotland and I'm leaving her behind. I'm not leaving my family behind, I'm just moving to another country but will still come back to visit here. I've been in Florida my whole life and yes it's great living here but when I visited netty in Scotland I knew that Scotland was my home and I can't wait to get there. My youngest will miss me the most because it's mostly been just her and I for the last 4 years since my divorce from my second ex husband. My middle daughter has been engaged a few times and hasn't been around much but after she broke up with her last fiance she's been living with me too and has had a much better attitude and been a lot more helpful with financial things. She's planning on going into the Navy and that will be a huge step for her and good for her future. She might even be able to come and visit netty and I once she's stationed and can take leave or go on vacation because she'll be paid well as long as she scores well on her test and gets put in a good occupation.

     

    The future looks very bright for netty and I. The plan is for us to get married as soon as she's divorced, hopefully in a castle over there in Scotland but if we can't do it that way then we'll get married here because our marriage will be recognized here as well as in Scotland. I know it won't be easy living there and I will have to find a job so that I can help contribute to our family, but I'm sure I'll be able to find something that I can do. I don't know what it will be like living there but I know that it is very different than living here in the U.S. What I like about where she lives is that there's rivers, the sea, and there's hills and further north there's mountains, so I will be able to finally learn how to snowboard, woo hoo! And I'll get to experience surfing in very coooolllldddd water but that will be a blast because I saw what nice waves look like on the coast. There's also lots of golf courses over there and if I can get my elbows to where they don't hurt so much, we'll be golfing. I like to camp so we'll be going camping. We'll also be able to travel to some of the places that I've wanted to see. Personally I think my mom is slightly envious of the fact that I'm going to be living in the home country of our ancestors. My great great grandmother is from Edinburgh and I have her wedding ring that my mother gave me. Maybe my mom will make it over to visit me and maybe my sister too. My sister visited Ireland a few years ago. See with them it's all about money and because I have none they think I should just stay here and work and live where I live the rest of my life but that's not going to happen, I'm leaving this country and starting a new chapter in my life with netty because I want to grow old with her not here in this small town where people like to talk. I know people talk in small villages too but I can handle that. It's not the same for her there as it is here and I do get it, but it will be a very small price to pay in comparison to what it will be like to just be with her. I also can't wait to just be there and be with the animals because I can't have any here. Netty and I got a puppy together when I visited her this past summer and he's gotten so big, I see him when I'm on skype with her. I miss not being able to have pets because my dad is highly allergic to cats, so the cat that I raised from a kitten couldn't come here to live with me. Someone adopted her from the fruit stand she stayed at and they took her home so I don't even know where she is now. My first ex husband has the bird with him and his mother, and I had to take the two dogs I had to the shelter when I moved in here.

     

    My life wouldn't be the same without netty and when she left today she took my heart back over to Scotland with her and she left hers here with me. When I move over there our hearts will be united and will finally be able to be one and we will finally be able to be a couple and do things together as a couple. I long for that day and so does netty.

     

    While she was here this time we all went bowling, my three kids, one of my daughter's friends, and netty. It was so much fun and all of my kids love her. My youngest came in to say good-bye before she left for school this morning and gave her a big hug. My middle daughter gave her a big hug when we were leaving and said to her don't go. Because my middle daughter was able to be here, netty gave her strength to make better decisions and I'm so thankful for that and that my middle daughter sees netty as her second mom. It's so great when the kids can be so accepting and encouraging. My youngest is involved in the arts at her high school. She's in dance, drama, and chorus and has a lot of gay friends. She's even become a member of the equality club and went to the pride event up in Jacksonville. She's such a great kid. Kids today are more understanding of same sex relationships than they were years ago. It's become even commonplace for there to be gay teachers. Her chorus instructor has been with his partner for years and is a well respected teacher. Her drama teacher has done some risque plays like The Normal Heart. Oh my gosh that one was a real tear jerker and the guys even kissed in the performance.

     

    Anyhow thanks for reading this and yes parting is not sweet sorrow, parting sucks but one day we will not ever have to part again.

     

    W.

  12. blog-0190560001491965584.jpg

    Since my last blog post was so serious... here is an homage to my girl... DITA!

     

    Beautiful... smart... sexy... this woman would turn me into a stuttering blathering mess. I don't even need to see her in lingerie... seeing her in a 50's pinup dress drives me over the moon. That smile... those eyes... I could just stare at her all day. And night. And the next day.

     

    Remember those old cartoons where the heart jumps out of the cartoon character's chest and their eyes bug out and you hear "AAAOOOOOOOGAHH!!"

     

    Yeah. Dita. It's something like that.

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    Leopard
    Latest Entry

    This was painted by a British artist called Watts. He is almost forgotton but his painting Hope inspired Obama. This nymph is so beautiful reminding of when I was young growing up on a farm.

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    I finally made it to 50 posts. Figured I should start one of these things.

     

    I don't really know what to write about, I'm sitting here half awake at work. Finished all my daily tasks and etc already. Just waiting for my supervisor to get here to tell me what else is on the agenda to do today.

     

    Hmm. I suppose I'm on here to make friends and connect with people in similar situations to me. I'm in a limbo where I CAN actively look for a woman, but it's not something I'm racing for. If that makes sense. I like to take my time with things. I don't like to rush into things anymore.

     

    A few years ago, I did try to rush things. I was excited to finally get out there and dip my toes into the water, so to speak. But, as with anything, I ran into things that kind scared me off. I met a very attractive woman online. I was pretty excited she was into me. Then she dropped the bomb she was cheating-basically, which I've mentioned before in some of my posts, isn't my thing to get involved in. I also ran into a few women messaging me, which ended up becoming a bait and switch type thing. Suddenly, it was for a threesome, instead of just me and said woman. Unicorn hunters. Which, is something my fiancé and I would be interested in, but bait and switch is so shady and gross. But, we're not looking for that at all at this point in time. He told me that music could be his other girlfriend if I find a girlfriend. Haha. For us it's one of those things that would be cool to come our way, but we live pretty busy lives at the moment.

  13. jessikanesis
    Latest Entry

    On my way home from work, I walked by a tiny bird that was just sitting, soaking wet, on someone's driveway. When I walked up to it, it was clearly awake, but didn't fly away or even move that much besides looking at me and trembling. So I took it home and looked up what to do on the internet.

     

    According to the internet, it had probably flown into a window or something and gotten concussed, but would recover on its own if I leave it somewhere safe, dark, and quiet.

     

    I put it in a Victoria's Secret box, with a towel, and left the lid open a crack for air, and then left the box in a closed room and went to a doctor's appointment. When I came back an hour later, I peeked in on the little guy, taking the lid off BEFORE going outside, which was a huge mistake. He did recover, but now he was freaking out, tweeting swearwords at me, and flying around my living room. By the time I got the back door open, it had gone into hiding somewhere, and I had to move every piece of furniture before I saw it ducking behind the DVD towers.

     

    I got as far as, "There you-" and it bolted for the door.

     

    And flew into the screen window.

     

    Idiot bird.

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    I haven't been on this site for a while, and obviously, this is my first Blog post.

    When I first found this place, summer 2016, it was a God-send. I poured my heart out, let the real me out there, and everyone was understanding and wonderful. Strangely, I was welcomed, not what I expecting.

    It had taken me a long time to realise my bisexuality, even though it was completely obvious on realisation! For example - I loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer series when I was younger. I’m a colossal nerd, so it’d not surprising! But Buffy or Sarah Michelle Gellar, was my first girl crush. At the time, I thought it was normal. Buffy was hot, killed bad guys and I wanted her to save me and then kiss me!

    Yeah. I know now!

    I’ve had one lesbian experience and that was with my best friend in Ibiza. It was kind of a bucket list thing for her and the longer the sex went on, the less she was into it. I was though, and I’ve missed the female touch and closeness since.

    I have a fiancé and two children now, 6 and 3. I love them all and what could be wrong?

    Well. I think you know where this is going?!

    All the girl crushes, lesbian fantasies - of which I assumed were normal came to a head. The mass of confusion and agony had all come into the open and like a lightbulb going off in my head I guess! Ahhh. It all made sense. It was a relief, but……terrifying.

    Well, I found Shys last summer and many wonderful people and I’m glad to say, a really good friend, whom I’m still friends with now.

    In short, my partner has known something was wrong and, after many arguments, I ended up coming out to him. He was relieved I wasn’t having an affair and was kind of supportive at the time. I told him about Shys and he was on board.

    That didn’t last long. He’s not a horrible guy, he’s a great dad and partner. His love of football / soccer is for another discussion! But he’s insecure of my sexuality, which I can understand. We’re still together and I love my family, but we argue more these days. I’m going to keep our family together.

    At this moment in time, I want a woman more than anything. It’s driving me crazy. I want the softness, tenderness and lovingness that only a woman can give. It’s a fantasy Lol. I don’t want to do anything to hurt my family no matter how fooked up I am.

    I’m still in touch with my friend from here, who is my twin sister in another country! She’s amazing and I love her. I’m back to Shys, on her advice and because….I’m lonely and I thought I’d got it under control, but I haven’t. It comes and goes, but the yearning to be with a woman is overtaking my thoughts and it isn’t something I can pursue so I’m pretty insane!

    I’m beyond help I’m sure. There is no easy fix for me. But if you’ve got this far? Thank you for your time x

    Shende x

  14. Am I the only one who is an overthinker? I can normally catch myself doing it and still I have it continue. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do today and then I went outside and tried to sneak past a neighbor who wanted to talk and she said hi to me and I said hi back and now I am overthinking this because I didn't stop and talk to her...tomorrow is our last day of spring break and then we are back Monday and I don't know If I am even remotely ready to go back. I have enjoyed being home and doing what I want and not getting stressed about what the other girls are going to be doing and if I should say something, and I am realizing that I need to change my mindset about this job and make more time for the things I want to do after I am home so I don't sit around and stress about what had occurred during the day...I have been walking to work just to keep in practice but today was freaking cold and I chose not to and now I'm regretting that...it has been nice to not focus about work and instead focus on what I want to do with my time and I need more of that and maybe that's why I'm getting bummed about tomorrow being our last day of break...

     

    I keep thinking of old crushes and friends I have had and my mind starts to overthink that too...I didn't say anything to end it, I just stopped because it was toxic and to go back would be more stressful. I keep thinking that with my last crush maybe the reason I keep thinking of him is because he was sweet and I could of seen myself in a relationship with him, if it would of went there and if he would of put as much attention and effort in as I was...I had thought of writing him a letter, and not sending it just to get things out and I still haven't done it. It's kinda freaky to think of all the people I have let go of who I thought were friends or whatever only to realize they only came around when they needed something, I mean it's a little stressful because sometimes I think about them and if they ever think about me and it's obvious they don't and it makes me realize how much energy I put into them that needs to be back on myself.

     

    Then I have been doing a lot of thinking and when I was in high school I was really close to my chorus teacher, considered her my second mother and had an obsessive crush on her son and she said I was one of her favorites and it's like for a few years after I graduated, I talked to her and sang with them, went to concerts and stuff like that. And then it was like something changed, she would keep in touch with the other kids who I was in class with, got mad because I emailed her something that she said was spam or something and now it's like if I comment on her Facebook I get a response like she has no clue who I am. And when I was in high school, I cleaned her room because I wanted to, gave her gifts, threw her a birthday party, and was basically the quiet loner girl and loved loved loved her and her class.. But then again, looking back, one thing that bothered me was that until I was in college and sang for her, she never told me I sounded good or anything, unless it was one time she told me I was doing a good job after it took me awhile to learn how to match pitch and blend in. Wow..didn't realize how much I was writing, but I'm becoming more aware that I am spending a lot of time living in the past and wasn't expecting to do that...

  15. celeste teal
    Latest Entry

    George Barbier (1882-1932) was a renowned French illustrator and fashion designer for theatre and ballet productions. Many of his illustrations have an element of same-sex desire between women, sometimes subtle, other times explicit. Examples of the later include his illustrations for the books Les Liaisons Dangereuses and Les Chansons de Bilitis, a collection of erotic lesbian poetry by Pierre Louys. Barbier's romantic figures are sometimes sexually ambiguous, for example and one can envision a woman dressed as a man in Le Feu (below).

     

    Barbier's work seems to me to be aimed not at men, the usual audience for lesbian erotica, but instead at women primarily, as it is infused with fashion, style, elegance and sensuality. There is also a not so subtle dismissal of men as worthy romantic partners in some of his work including "Visez Au Couer Belles Dames (Aim for the Heart Beautiful Ladies) and Les Marionnettes.

     

    3c2930d01bb183254dd20f1d53f14e65.jpg

    Sheherazade

     

     

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    From Les Liaisons Dangereuses

     

     

     

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    Les Marionnettes

     

     

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    From Les Liaisons Dangereuses

     

     

     

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    From Les Liaisons Dangereuses

     

     

     

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    From Les Chansons de Bilitis

     

     

    References:

     

    George Barbier

    https://en.wikipedia.../George_Barbier

     

    The Songs of Bilitis

    https://en.wikipedia...ongs_of_Bilitis

     

    George Barbier collection at House of Retro - see this blog for more beautiful illustrations (unfortunately I can only display 10 images per post here)

    http://houseofretro.com/index.php/2014/08/12/georges-barbier-reflections-of-art-deco/

  16. I've been trying my hardest to avoid spending money so that I can put as much money towards my student loans as possible. I'm finally in a position where I can do that, but it isn't easy. About an hour ago, I get into a car accident. Someone two cars ahead of me slammed on their brakes, causing a chain reaction. I was the lucky one who's car decided to slide into the SUV in front of me. The front of my car was smashed. Glass everywhere. The container that housed the antifreeze was destroyed leaking the liquid onto the hot engine, causing the car to smoke. Needless to say, it wasn't a pretty sight, but thankfully no one was hurt.

     

    So now, I have no car. The money that I tried to squeeze out of my paychecks in an attempt to pay a little extra on my loans is now going to go towards a car payment. My insurance is going to go up. I just can't help but wonder why. My commute home is 50 minutes. I was less than 10 minutes away. I was just looking into certifications to help with career advancement. Now, all of that is going on the back burner. I haven't even paid off my debt from the wedding. *sigh* I'm just so frustrated.

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    So I've hesitated in creating a blog since I have no clue what to add for an entry or anything, but I just figured I'd do an initial post and see how it goes over. I decided to write about this girl at work that I have a huge crush on, mainly because this is the only place I can really talk about it and she's on my mind a lot. For privacy's sake we'll call her *Sarah* but note that Sarah is not her real/legal name.

     

    Sarah started at my office about 3 months ago, and I really wasn't sure I'd like her. The position she took was one that used to belong to a very good friend of mine and she moved to be closer to family, so I was kind of bummed. I always felt like Sarah was being defensive or maybe overly sassy with a huge side of attitude and I wasn't a fan because I'm typically really laid back and easy going. We had a mutual friend and before long Sarah and I got to know one another and became fast friends. At this point, I knew that I was bisexual and had recently been able to admit it to my best friend, but I hadn't found a woman that had me absolutely swooning or anything. Sarah is super down to earth and grew up in the country dong farm work like I did, and she shares my love of the country/farming lifestyle. She has this great curly hair that is a lovely shade of dark blonde...I'm talking the bouncy spiral curls that I'd kill for, but they're just relaxed enough so they aren't crazy. She's got beautiful curvy hips and this voluptuous butt and full breasts that capture my attention like nothing else. I can't help but look her up and down every chance I get and hope she doesn't notice me staring at her. I usually snapchat her something silly so I can hear her laugh across the room or I'll find some excuse to go talk to her or something. I probably sound like a creep or something to anyone reading this, but I'm absolutely entranced by her and I'm wondering how someone could possibly be so perfect. She's the first girl that I've ever felt this way about so it's kind of like my first 12 year old crush all over again lol. I get the butterflies and stuff and today she showed me something on my computer and I could smell her conditioner mixed with her perfume and it was intoxicating...she has the best smile and this adorable laugh that I love to hear every day. I wish I could be up front and honest with her about my feelings for her, but as far as I know she's straight and I really don't want to lose that friendship with her. It felt good to get all of this off my chest finally...I hope I didn't bore anyone to death with my rambling lol.

  17. Here's a little sample of what I'm working on: (let me know what yah think) (also please ignore grammatical errors, as this is just a rough draft, thanks!)

     

    There are many different types of people: The nurtures, they want to constantly play mother hen to anybody and everybody they meet; The Fighters, they either won’t give up or are the ones that start it all; The Peacekeepers, those people that hate confrontation and always think there is a solution to it all; The Neutrals, it’s neither this nor that with them, everything just is and they go about their business. Then there is my type: The Mastermind. We are the type of people that other people believe to be the little pieces in the game until proven otherwise by, well, us. We have other names: The shifty people, spies, agents of the dark. Really, we are just people that see the end and find the means to get there.

    So while I am sitting here in a jail cell, I know in precisely two minutes the Detention Officer, so prideful in his position (obviously somebody new to the justice system with disgustingly high optimism), will walk by my cell and has made the mistake of forgetting to switch the cell keys to his left side, away from the cell doors and handsy prisoners, such as myself.

    Three…two…one. Buzzing echoes across the building, notifying us of the Officer is gracing us with his presence. Show time.

    “Talbot! Rise and shine!” Officer Edwin taps his baton against the cold metal of the cell door.

    “Rather too early for that much cheer, Eddie boy.” I make a show of pulling the pathetic excuse of a blanket closer to my chest, hiding my grabbing the substitute “keys” (a few pennies and metal bits from the yard on a metal ring).

    Edwin laughed at my expected response and proceeded to hit the door a few more times until I rose from my bed. Carefully tucked in my sleeve, I leaned against the cell door and grabbed the baton stopping the noise and causing him to step closer to my cell. His elbow made contact with my face, just as I finished the exchange. I fell back onto the concrete floor, holding my nose. This was partly to hide the keys by throwing them into my shirt. Mostly because my nose had started to throb in pain.

    “Hasn’t anybody taught you, Talbot?” His laugh carrying a somewhat malicious tone. “You don’t grab at a man’s stick.”

    “Yes, heard of that.” I sniffed at the pain, and grinned cockily at him. “But were you not the one knocking at me to rise and shine?”

    His best response, to spit and mumble a few choice words of being a sick bastard and quickly moved on. Forty-five minutes later, the second buzz announced his departure from the first ground block. Also, cuing the beginning of my escape.

    Allowing myself time to find the right key and using my pillowcase to muffle the sound of metal against metal. Last night’s mashed potatoes did the trick on the door itself and I silently opened then closed metal without a sound. No need to worry about camera’s or alarms, I had disabled them while Edwin made his rounds earlier. It was a stroke of luck that my confinement was located next to the electrical, just needed a few weeks to get behind the wall and cutting a few choice wires. Sadly, that left me with only two hours to get gone before the young man got back to the security desk and saw the problem.

    I kept my back flush with the wall as I felt for the loose panel that lead to the area between the walls where the plumbing and electrical ran. My hand hit creating a slight noise, but not enough to disturb my fellow jail mates, taking it off in no time and replacing it once on the other side.

    Sprinting along the piping to the broiler room took less than eight minutes. Bravo Talbot, a quick congratulatory before pressing on. Only one hour left.

    This was simply child’s play, dressing up into the janitor’s uniform and walking out with the leftover trash which included my previous attire. Nobody spared so much as a glance. I dumped the bag into the dumpster and walked to the parking lot. Amelia waited for me in the seventy-four Ford, clearly it had seen better days. I slipped into the backseat of the truck and hid myself in the piles of work tools and laundry. In no time we cleared the gate check and drove off.

    “You sure took your time, Kingsly. Almost just left your sorry ass.”

    “Such affection from you this early in the morning.” I wiggled myself out of the hiding spot and sat up. “Careful, I’ll start to think you care.”

    An exasperated sigh from her and an eye roll was my reward. The gray hair peppering her red locks was, in my books, an assault to her youthful spirit.

    “You took my Xavier’s place in that cell so he could fight for this country.” I could see the bittersweet resolve in her chestnut colored eyes, despite the stonewall expression on her face. “This is the least I can do for that.”

    An easy silence settled for the remainder of the ride to the private airstrip. Courtesy of Amelia, a helicopter was to meet us with the hour of our arrival. Lucky for us, it was on time. It was waiting for us, with a rather dashing pilot waiting to take me far, far away- or shall I say, it was going to take me back to my country, my home… back to him.

    The truck comes to a stop on the dirt road. Amelia and I both get out and meet at the back of the truck before the dust settles. She drops the tailgate and grabs two duffle bags handing one- from her reaction the heavier of the two- to me, then closes it.

    “So, I see you have decided to join me on my flight.” We reach the helicopter and toss our bags in. She turns and tosses her keys to the pilot.

    “Good thing I am, I’ll be the pilot today.” She smirks at me, taking hold of the door to pull herself into the cockpit.

  18. pennylane
    Latest Entry

    I'm home reading an old erotica text and it's gotten me worked up and my cunt streaming.

     

    So our girlfriend and husband and I are doing fine, seeing each other regularly. It's not a super deep intellectual connection but we have fun and really enjoy ourselves having good sex, and we have lots of funny jokes we laugh about. Our politics are different but that's not bad. We just don't talk about it much.

     

    This old erotica is quite taboo with some delicious lesbian love. It's naughty. I love it.

     

     

  19. Hi Ladies,

     

    I know this post wont be relevant to most of you, being that I am in OZ and it is summer time here while you are all rugged up for a white christmas and new years.

     

    I always struggle with my longings for women in summer. So many short skirts, dresses, shorts, tight clothes, braless breasts in summer dresses. I hate that it makes me sound like such a pervert that I notice these things, but alas I can not change that I am very much attracted to the female form. Right now in my life there is nowhere to place these longings. While we do continue our search for a girlfriend, there are so few women actually interested in dating a couple.

     

    We have started visiting strip clubs, not to pick up women, but as a way for me to express and experience my sexuality outside of a girlfriend. I do enjoy these visits, and the women there do a convincing job of flirting with me although I know they get paid to do this. Lol While I enjoy it, I am not sure if it helps or hinders me in calming my longing down.

     

    I am trying not to blame myself for the lack of interest from women, not to take the consistent rejection personally and harm myself with it, so this seems as good a space as any to at least express that I don't understand and I wish women were attracted to me the way I am to them. I have tried very hard to stop my addiction to crushing on straight women, but as summer approaches I once again find myself lusting over them and longing for physical intimacies with my friends as they bare their skin.

     

    I struggle so much with this longing. I read somewhere that grief is just love with no place to go. Well that sums up how I feel so accurately. I have this love, affection and desire for women with nowhere to put it. Sometimes I feel I would give my life to feel the soft swell of a woman's breasts in my hands, to taste the sweetness of her lips, run my fingers through her hair, feel her fingers intertwined with mine, or just gaze into her eyes.

     

    On the one hand I will probably never give up the hope that this could be a reality for me, and will continue to chase my dreams. On the other hand I wonder if I would be happier if I gave up. Maybe it is the hope that crushes me, you know? Crushes. Lol Such an accurate term,

     

    Interestingly I would have said I am much happier this year than I was last year, despite the fact that last year I was thinner and we did infact have a girlfriend. I suppose I must be feeling lonely. If I felt I had a best friend I could talk to about this I would be talking to her right now. Unfortunately while I have friends, I don't feel closely connected to any of them right now. Which bares the question -- is it a girl friend or a best friend I seek?

     

    Maybe it is an impossible fantasy, but what I seek is for one person to be both things.

     

    Anyway, the point of this post is just to express my frustration that I am surrounded by the things that I want and can not have. It seems so cruel and unfair. Added to that I don't feel I have anywhere to express this grief I feel without people labelling me as greedy because I already have so much happiness in my life. Alternatively people are fast to point out that it is my couple status that holds me back. I don't know how pointing out the obvious is supposed to make me feel better. I just want someone to hug me and tell me they understand that my heart hurts because I can't find the things that I long for. I want someone to tell me they understand why summer is triggering for me and how hard it is. I want someone, a female someone, to love me back. I don't think that is so hard to understand. I want to enjoy my sexuality not feel trapped and isolated by it.

     

    Tell me someone here understands? Please? Sigh.

     

    Kat xx