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Ok, i've never experienced what i'm about to rant about, thankfully, but; what is with men???!
I often post in the Married/Committed forums on Shybi and am saddened when i read of either negative reaction off partners or my pet hate, which is the "ok but.." reactions.
I hope i don't step on anyone's feelings here, but it is a rant i have and isn't meant to offend. In fact, i often post advice to women having these problems so i'm not here to judge. Also, this is said in humour. I love men so i'm not assuming all men are like this, or any at all. Like i said, it's just a rant. Ok disclaimer done.
* First off, i don't understand why so many men can't accept the possibility that their partner might like to have sex with someone other than themselves. I've seen soo many men oggling at other women whilst sat next to their other half (which i think is ok) but they can't grasp that women might have that sexual attraction too.
* Then there's their reaction when told of an attraction to women. Immediately jumping on the defensive and worrying that their SO might be gay isn't the way to maturely discuss her issues. Women spend so long talking with their mates about all sorts of problems, so we're used to dealing with many issues. Men however, spend all of five minutes grunting at their mate and then can't even remember what was said when you ask. That's why we have to explain the premise of being bisexual to them many times before they finally realise we are not going to leave them for a woman.
* Assuming that they can't possibly have a relationship with a woman because they're attached. If a wife/gf suggested that her partner have sex with another woman, most would jump at the chance, so it seems that being attached doesn't enter into their rules, just his So's.
*Which leads me to the priceless reaction of many men; "Well let's have a threesome." Like he assumes that because you like women and want to experience being with one, that he should be party to that, regardless of his own SO's confused feelings. Essentially he thinks with his dick. plus it brings in the double standards of him never allowing a threesome with another man involved, because he's not 'into men'. So that's that dealt with is it Master?
* The totally misguided assumption that, should his wife/gf have a proper gf then he can too. No he doesn't like men so he can't possibly have a bf, but if YOU can have a gf then i can too. Where's the fairness in that? Surely equality means that; if she can sleep with people of the same sex, then he can sleep with people of the same sex. If he doesn't want to, it doesn't give him licence to sleep with women instead. Then if he does, surely the equality changes back to the fact that she can have sex with men also? Back to double standards.
* "Well if i can't do any of these then you can't do it." Well that's one sure fire way to lose your woman. Exert all your masculinity and put your foot down. Oh one problem, we're not in the fifties now and women 'know their place' is wherever they want to be. Refusal to acknowledge bisexuality in a partner just means that communication is breaking down between what was probably a good partnership before. It's a thin end of the wedge and it usually results in resentment or worse, affairs.
* One i've heard quite recently: "You can have relationships with women, but you can't fall in love." Well thanks for that. I'm not sure it's possible to switch off feelings willy nilly but i'll give it a go. In the meantime, I will tell my gf that i can't possibly be in love with her because my husband says so. This is possibly the most ridiculous one i've ever heard and i'm ashamed that my cousin said it to his wife, who incidently he is now divorced from.
I'm sure there are many more which people are wlecome to post. Again i state that this is quite tongue in cheek and is not meant to offend. Most men are great with their partners and those that aren't most probably have their own reasons which are personal to them. Everyone's relationship is different and i don't seek to judge anyone.
I have heard people say things like "I was born gay/bi, etc. I always knew I was this way."
And then I hear others say "this is MY choice to be bi/gay, etc."
What do you believe? 1 or 2?
1. Are we born with our sexuality? Do our genes determine how we will be way before we are even born, and we have no choice in the matter?
2. Is our sexuality our choice? Is it something we decide as we grow up. And is it developed over time through our environment as a result of our surroundings, upbringing and experiences?
If you think its 1. then I ask you: When did you know you were gay/bi, etc.?
if you think its 2. then I ask you: When did you decide to become gay/bi, etc. ?
There's homophobia where people are nasty about gay people but there definately is also biphobia where people can be really nasty or predujiced specifically about bisexual people in particular.
For example this is some of the biphobia i've experienced:
Talking in a lesbian/bisexual female chatroom I was chatting away to a gay girl and then I mentioned to her I was bisexual. Immediately she got really angry and started being really nasty to me saying 'why can't you just make up your MIND?' and 'all girls like you do is hurt women and go back to men/go off with men', I couldn't believe she was so predujiced and felt very hurt and upset as she started viciously attacking my sexuality...she obviously hated bisexual girls with a passion...what she doesn't realise is how full of hate, ignorant and predujiced she is, she wouldn't like it if someone was homophobic to her and was nasty to her about her being a lesbian but she felt it was fine and ok to attack my sexuality and be nasty to me....
Another time I was talking to a new friend I'd made, a butch gay girl and she started saying to me that she would NEVER go out with or have a relationship with a bisexual girl only other 100% gay girls as all bisexual girls do is 'go off with men' or 'sleep with girls while being married or having a boyfriend and only really love their boyfriend' then she got worse by saying '...and all bisexual girls do is spread AIDS and HIV to lesbians as they catch it off men and give it to them and bi girls give lesbians diseases...', I couldn't believe this new friend of mine was sitting there saying all this to me, making it clear how predujiced she is against bi girls and how much she dislikes them when she KNEW i'm bisexual myself!!! I got really, really angry and felt so insulted and ended up having a row with her as I stood up for bisexual girls and tried to change her attitude and explain to her the truth about bi girls is not what she thinks...
Other times I've been in gay pubs and when I tell people I'm bisexual they start saying things like 'bisexual - WHAT'S THAT?' in a nasty way or 'there's no such thing as bisexual!'.
What I'm having a rant about is why do people even gay girls have to be so biphobic and ignorant and prejudiced, it is so hurtful when they slag my sexuality off, but I know they wouldn't like it if someone was to come and be homophobic to them but they think its ok to hate bisexual girls, and don't realise that this is the same kind of hated that they dislike when it is done to them.
Just thought I'd let off a bit of steam here about what I have to put up with from people when I tell them I am bisexual... I'm a sensitive girl and all this nastiness and ignorance has really hurt my feelings....
People should be understanding and accepting of everyone no matter what sexuality they identify as....
OK rant over now, just wanted to get that all off my chest!
How do you go about expressing yourself yet repressing yourself, at the very same time? Is it a good thing or a bad thing?
I have been led to understand that there are many places where it's more widely-accepted than others (i.e. Some parts of Europe, and the U.S.) in comparison to places where it's taboo, i.e. India and China and my own home, Korea.
I have been affected by it on a personal level in the sense that most (perhaps, all) of my close friends in person do not know that I am interested in women, whatsoever, and if they did, there would definately be a change in the pH of our relationship(so to speak).
I have a feeling my Great Aunt suspects it at times, because she always teases me that I am 'beautiful and intelligent and should be married by now'...I just try and ignore it and pray she turns senile by the time I bring some girl home.
As I mentioned in previous posts, here in Korea we don't even have a word for 'lesbian' or 'bisexual', and it's pretty much expected that all of us fit into the same mold, with as little self-expression as possible, in order for the good of the entire nation.
Women hold hands all the time, and even men hug and kiss each other, so it's pretty easy for us to fall under the radar - which, IMO, is a very powerful combat against hate crimes and the like.
In this sense, it's wonderful to be so low-key.
It's also great that we have one of the lowest AIDS rates in the world.
There has never been a single court case here over the issue of bi/homosexuality, and the topic alone is never to be discussed.
Korean slang words referring to men or women as homosexual are probably some of the worst insults you could throw at a person, ESPECIALLY women who are expected to be so humble and proper.
When I was in the US, people were veryvery open about it, and I even saw same-sex couples holding hands. People asked me how I felt about same-sex marriage quite often, and it wasn't a huge deal if someone called you a "fag" or "homo", "butch" or "dyke"..they treated it like it was like a joke or something or like they saw it everyday. They would even ask, "Are you straight?", giving you a choice!
This would NEVER happen back home, and in a way, I'm kind of glad.
Treating such serious matters so lightly was borderline belittlement.
There are some underground clubs here in korea which, after I met my one lesbian friend(yes, I admit, I found her based on predisposed stereotypes, the only way I knew she was an old 'Tom' like me was by her manly haircut and style of dress.) I was somehow initiated into.
The sad thing is, even in these enviornments, amongst all these supposedly 'open' and 'nonprejudiced' people... it was like stereotypes at their worst.
Even upon entering the club, you had to decide whether you were a, "butch" or a "femme" and had to wear corresponding pink and blue fluorescent armbands.
I found it absurd and asked if I could wear both. I got stares all night as if I was some kind of extreme feminist who refused to catagorize herself. I told everyone that I wasn't a pathetic people pleaser; I guess it was too intense for some of them to handle.
All the girls would come up and ask you the same question as if you were playing monopoly and they were asking you which piece you wanted to play. They laughed like it was a game. Maybe I just have a dry sense of humor, but being there was a gamble enough, besides the fact that these women were absolute broads who I lost IQ just talking to. Besides, I could've spend the night reading a good book and dreaming about meeting better women, instead.
Unfortunately, (perhaps it was in my best interest, lol) I really didn't meet anyone there. These clubs seem to cater to a bunch of girls who wanted to hop into bed with someone other than their 50-something year old, retired, hairy ape of a husband..but don't want to give up his big bucks.
No one who actually longed emotionally and physically and intellectually for another woman. No one who would be satisfied with companionship and with pure love.
Wonders never cease.
Maybe in this way, it's better to be 'in the closet' and on your own, because you don't meet so many people who just crave the physical aspect of it. You don't receive that poison of mind. You don't have to be so affected and tainted by the world.
All of this makes it nearly impossible to find some kind of same-sex companion here. It is definately much easier for a man to find one in this male-dominated society.
Sometimes I debate whether or not I should make myself more of a 'blatant' stereotypical lesbian, in order to make myself more obvious like my friend - but isn't that so wrong? To change yourself to fit into a closed stereotype.. in order to be open?
It's a bizarre concept.
Have any of you been in a similar situation? How did you go about meeting women in person when it is so taboo and you don't have the option of being 'out of the closet'?
Do you find the US as being better or worse because of the openness?
Do you like the fact that same-sex relationships tend to be so superficial and sexual as opposed to the 'love and devotion' you'd expect out of most, er, some, heterosexual couples? Perhaps this makes it easier for us to deal with the mixed emotions and guilt when we don't have to deal with them afterwards?
Do you ever think of boxing yourself into a stereotype in order to find women more easily?
Just some thoughts....