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When All Else Fails, Just Fail With It

Posted by LizzySizzles , 11 April 2017 · 95 views

failure crying bad day
I have recently started a new management position at a retail store that I have been working on an early morning crew for since October. I have been a part time, temporary employee at several places on and off for the past 4 years and mainly managing my home. The reason for this is because I needed to be home to be available to work around my sons school schedule, but also because I have had some healing to do after a terrible depressive episode. Well my son is a little older and I am a little stronger and I thought I may be ready to take on the world again. So I applied for, interviewed for, and got the assistant manager job at the retail store I already worked at. I started technically three weeks ago as management.

But my first week another manager was on vacation, so I was scheduled to fill in for her. A job I had never done, didn't know how, and had only worked part time for 5 months before I was scheduled to cover for someone who had been doing that job for 22 years. So my first week goes by doing someone elses job, and not training for mine.

Week two rolls around and again I'm being scheduled as management, but not for training. As a technicality on the schedule yes, but I've been stuck at register and any management calls that come in I am told to ignore, other managers on duty will get them. I'm not being shown how to do really anything and I was given about 2 hours one day to read some SOPs but that was it.

Well it's week three and I'm fed up. I have gone home after every, single shift in the last two weeks sobbing. I feel so stupid, I'm not being trained, I walk around confused about almost everything because the few things I have been shown no one will tell me about. Don't just have me watch you do something once and then expect me to know what the fuck I'm doing! My actual job is being neglected while I'm not being trained. So soon I'm going to start hearing about how MY job specific responsibilities are being ignored, but no one either knows what's going on, or will show me. By the time I get to do MY job, it will be so piled up and backed up that I will be fighting an uphill battle from day one.

I have literally come home crying everyday I've worked for the last two weeks. I've cried at work, as hard as I tried not to. And I can't pull my shit together. I used to be able to just have a few tears out, pull my panties up and move on. It's not working. There is this contact voice in the back of my head that just repeats all my failures, "You're not learning anything useful. You're not smart enough for this job. Your family is suffering because you're not home. Why aren't you catching on faster? You're so confused, just stop trying" The longer I work, the worse it gets, until I start to notice that it changes from this nagging bitch I can ignore to this mother-like figure screaming at me, "Just quit! They are all better off without you! You're a failure and worthless! Just walk out,they deserve more than you can offer!". I'm trying, hard, so hard, to handle it, but it's getting harder and harder to shut the tears off once they start.

Well today...my son went missing. Simple misunderstanding and it was bound to happen, two full time parents in the house for the first time means a lot more responsibility on him to be in the know, watch the schedule, and know where he is supposed to be after school. There s a calendar on the fridge that has my schedule, dads schedule, and his schedule and he's suppose to mark off every morning that he checked the calendar and knows where to go after school. He did that today, as he has every day, but something slipped through and he ended up not where he was supposed to be after school. By the time I got a call he had not been where he was supposed to be for almost 2 hours and his dad couldn't find him when it was time to pick him up, so he called me.

I was literally already in tears, telling one of my other managers about how fucking stupid I felt and how I couldn't believe how little training I was getting and when my husband called and said our son wasn't where he was supposed to be, I just fell apart. I sat on the floor and started sobbing uncontrollably, in front of at least two other managers and two part time employees. I just crumbled and couldn't pull myself out of it. My son is fine, he's home,he's safe, he was safe the whole time. But for 15 minutes (actually for almost 2 hours, we just didn't know it) no one knew where he was, and after those 15 minutes he happened to called me himself, and HE was crying because he was scared that we hadn't come to pick him up yet. Him calling me scared was the only way we found him.

So...I'm a fucking failure and I can't stop crying. I am failing my store, I am failing myself, I have failed my family, I failed as a mom. I don't want this job, I'm not capable and I'm not ready to work full time again, and apparently especially not in management. I worked hard, HARD, to get back to the top. Not even ON top, just TO the top in the last few years and until about 3 weeks ago I was proud of myself. I was doing good, felt proud of the work I was doing for the company, for being on top of everything at home for my family. Now...I'm back at the bottom looking up.

I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying.......

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Questioningmylife
Apr 11 2017 02:44 PM
I am so sorry you are going through all this right know.

Please know you are not failure and you are not alone.

You have not failed your work. They are failing you. It has been their decision not to train you and to leave your job neglected while your assigned other tasks. The responsibility for any of those consequences is theirs and you don't have to own them.

I have been both the child who was lost and the parent who lost them. I understand the emotions you are going through, I have felt them. It does not make you a failure. It makes you human. You found him, remind yourself and your son, no matter what happens you will always find him and won't give up,until you do. Being a parent isn't about not having "mom fails", we all have them. I've had quite a few. It is about persevering and teaching ourselves and our kids the lessons of those mistakes.

I do not know if my words have helped, I hope they do. Don't give up, You can do this!!!
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LizzySizzles
Apr 24 2017 02:39 PM
All encouraging words help, I appreciate you. We're also having issues with some seriously harassing neighbors and their landlord who thinks we are the issue, so when I'm home I'm so angry to not feel safe in my home that I just want to sleep. I've been fighting depression and it's creeping in for the win, I can feel it. Just expressing myself through words helps me, a little.I'm on pins and needles waiting for these people to move out, which we have reason to believe is happening in June. Although I hesitate to get my hopes up because if they don't move in June after I've been waiting for it, I may fall apart completely.We share a driveway with them and she screams at me "Fuck you bitch" if she sees me in my yard. I plant a vegetable garden every year,but my garden ison the side of the house where the driveway that we share is. So this year I haven't even been out there and am not planning on gardening until, and if, they leave in June. BY now I would have already had my rain barrel up and my soil worked,with seedlings going. I'm scared to even walk to my car in my own driveway.They scream at us, they record us walking in and out of our house, they are a huge nuisance.My son asks me almost daily now that the weather is nicer to go outside and play basketball with him, but I can't bring myself to do it, which makes me feel like even more of a failure parent. I feel like my whole life is on cracked stilts right now, and I'm not handling it well.
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Well one thing is for sure and that is you are not a failure. You had the guts to go for the job, they thought you were good, so you got the job. You are juggling work and a family and depression and psycho neighbours. It’s hard work, and you are figuring it out, but you’re getting there. Your son getting lost was a setback, but he is safe, he has learned from it, and it won’t happen again. Sometimes a ball has to drop, particularly when you are learning to juggle. You probably don’t feel it right now, but you are strong enough to get back up and pick up that ball and just keep going. And you can. Because you already proved you are strong.
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