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At the end of October the hubby and I will be making our yearly trip to a long time stomping ground. We make the trip at least once a year. This year though I am very excited, as I have lost a bit of weight so I have a bit more options in what I can wear while there and since it will be during Halloween I get to wear a sexier costume too.
The only thing that is making me nervous is an incident that happened last year. We like to go into gentleman clubs(strip clubs) and have a bit of fun watching/talking to the dancers. Well last year my husband was drugged in a club there. We only had one or two small drinks prior to going in. The dancers were not my type so we didn't plan on staying long. My hubby asked for a drink as I sat in front of a stage talking with a dancer. She was trying to distract me by dancing on me and when that didn't work, she lifted my shirt/bra up and bit me on the left breast. Not a sexy bite either. She bit the hell out of me. Needless to say, I got up and told the hubbs we were leaving. When we made it outside he fell to the ground and couldn't get up by himself. Then he felt like he'd been paralyzed. He could barely talk. It took me an hour and a half to carry him (6'4"tall 300lbs) to our hotel that was only a few blocks away. It was scary and horrifying for us both. So that is stuck in my mind as I make our plans for this trip. Like I said, I am really excited to go but it makes me afraid to have even one drink while we're there and I'm worried about going to any strip clubs. This really sucks. :( I enjoy a nice romp with the dancers.
Felix D’Eon is a gay Mexican artist who re-imagines history through a same-sex filter and captures romance in a style that appears authentically historic. His work exudes a joyfulness and playfulness that invites the viewer to re-imagine history along with him.
"I view it all as form of propaganda, a tool to normalize something that has been seen as deviant and outlaw for so long, and to capture a language of love and nostalgia for the gay community that has always been denied us."
Reclaiming Gay History With Felix D’Eon http://www.huffingtonpost.com/wes-hurley/post_9728_b_7777282.html
Felix D'Eon website: http://felixdeon.com
Ok here goes
I met this lady at a festival and we have been friends for two years now. She has also stayed at our home with others. Nothing has ever happened between us apart from the usual banter (Dh saying things like he normally does ) while sitting around the fire. I had just put snapchat on my phone as Ds1 was on it all the time. So I asked if I could add them, loads of banter between us all on a group chat
This time she was down it seemed she was flirting a little bit. We carried on chatting in the group snapchat. I messaged her and we have been chatting about everything, sending silly photos. I even told her about me admitting to my niece that I'm bisexual. I thought she already new, she took it well.
I am working nights from Friday so the night before I stay up till about 3 am then sleep in the day. She has offered to keep me company by phone for as long as she can stay awake.
I am hoping that she would like something to happen between us and be more than friends . I needed to write it down as I don't want to say much to Dh yet. He is so supportive with everything and I will tell him before anything starts but I just need to know from her that she wants me. I hope it will happen but if it doesn't I still have an amazing friend forever
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Most of the time, I feel secure, feet on the ground, like I have control over myself. No temptation within sight. All is good.
But then I meet a woman. No one else sees her, sees how beautiful she is inside and out. But I see it. It's in her smile, the way she takes on life with such grace and fearlessness. Her ambition and courage to face the world. She is the most beautiful person I've ever seen. Just like that, I become an addict. I want to make her smile, give her all her dreams just to see her happy. I lose the ability to be rational. Her presence is intoxicating.
The energy that I have to exert to keep her at arm's length is strenuous. I have to constantly remind myself of my commitment, and make sure my actions are only those of a friend. It would be selfish to pursue anything. It would hurt my partner and her. But still, the craving is too strong to walk away completely.
When she's around, I feel like an alcoholic in a bar.
*i don't know if this makes sense, and hopefully it does not offend anybody.
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I have been lurking around on r/r4r and similar subreddits, but I still haven't found anyone that I click with. Maybe I'm just too picky or expecting too much... I don't really know. I thought that Reddit was a good idea because you can remain anonymous, and it would give me the chance to figure things out a little more, but maybe it would be better to look for someone around my area.
I have tried a few apps such as Tinder, Her and Moovz and have matched with a a couple of women that I wanted to get to know more, but they ghosted. I was told that there are clubs in my city too, but I'm not sure if that's my thing or not. I wouldn't even know what to wear! It has been years since I have gone out. Sometimes I think it would be easier, though. I am always afraid that if I click with someone online and we decide to meet up that they won't like me in person. Although, I have met a few people from Badoo in person, and it went pretty well, but I wasn't looking for anything more than friendship.
Well, I think I just need to learn how to go with the flow and not worry so much. Maybe someone will pop up when I'm least expecting it.
Today was the day I deleted my tinder. I have had it for a month or so now and decided to delete it. I have had no luck in my area and the people I did match with couldn't hold a conversation.
Not giving up that hope but it is really hard out there lol thank goodness this site is here so I don't go too crazy
Well ladies what can I say, she's amazing. I have had another wonderful two weeks with netty. She brought her daughter with her again to visit me and my family. It was more than amazing, it was awesome.
You'd think that with her daughter being here we wouldn't have quality time to attend to our physical cravings for each other, but both of us were so pleased that we had more than enough quality time than we thought we'd even get to have. Every time we are able to be alone, it just keeps getting better and better. When you are so in love and have such a great chemistry on all levels, it makes the sex so much more meaningful. For us it is a very passionate time and very intense time of making love. She satisfies me like no one ever has, and I had a very good sex life with both of my ex husbands. Lesbian sex has no comparison at all. We could've kept going our last night together, but we had to be up early so I could get her to the airport on time. This time I had to drive over two hours to get her there.
The things she does to me there are really no words to describe only the feeling of being taken to another planet where time and space disappears and only pure pleasure is experienced. We had many wonderful encounters and I just love giving her pleasure as well. There's nothing more satisfying than being able to bring her to multiple orgasms that are intense and ongoing, and there's nothing more satisfying than also being brought to that same place by her.
As I'm writing this the weather has been bad and she was not able to take off so when it looked like she'd finally be able to take off, the plane was brought back off the runway because they had to fix something that had mechanically gone wrong, which in and of itself is a scary thought. She's still sitting on the plane as I write this and I'm back home waiting to hear from her. They may get her to her connection flight but she won't be flying out on that one tonight. Her daughter is hungry and very upset because there's no proper food on the plane. I sure hope they can at least fly out tonight and get to her connection flight airport so they can get something decent to eat. I wish I were there on that plane with her right now to hold her and to comfort her daughter.
I feel like this trip we gelled more as a family and I got to know her daughter better. We had quite a few new adventures and hope to be able to do some of the same things next summer. I also hope that my daughter and I can fly out to see her next summer as well.
If I can somehow manage to raise the funds to book a flight over for her birthday in October, I'll get to see her, but if not it will be another long and painful 8 months of waiting. Parting is getting harder and harder because we both just want to get our lives started together. When she's here we get a taste of what that feels like and that's what makes it so hard on both of us.
I have not yet shed my tears yet, but I'm sure they will come when I least expect them to. Coming home to my house after her being here for two weeks is always hard because I've gotten used to her being here and now she's not here and I will be sleeping in my bed alone tonight thinking of the night before when we had such a passionate time of making love. She's left a few things here so when I see them it reminds me of her and that she was here with me.
I wish she could've stayed longer but it's hard on her daughter because she misses her daddy and her animals. I can't wait for that day when I will fly out to go and live with her in less than two years time. My daughter is a Junior in high school this year and when she graduates high school next year, I will be making my journey over there to be with her and start our home together. We hope that we can get married next summer when I go over there to visit her, then we can finally call each other wife. It's harder on her than on me because she craves my touch and to touch me and we both love making out with each other and I miss that.
Long distance relationships are not easy, but when you have that special person, it's worth it in the long run if you know you're going to eventually be together forever. I'm thankful for skype but skype sex just isn't the same. I'd much rather have her hands on me than my own and I know she feels the same way. It's harder for her to do it than me but because she loves me, she settles for what we can get because she knows that it pleases me. I don't like it but we do what we have to do to stay connected and at least we're able to do that.
Neither one of us like having to satisfy our own selves through skype sessions but we don't really have any other options until I can be with her. I love her so much and I'm very sad as I write this because I miss her so damn much. My kids do too and my middle daughter was hugging her last night asking her not to go, knowing that she has to go because she has a job and her daughter and her animals. I'm moving to be with her because her daughter is too young to move over here so it will be easier for me to go over there. I can't wait until the next time I get to hold her in my arms and snuggle with her in bed and just be in her company.
Until next time........
This year's "Big Bi Tweet" for Bi Visibility Day has launched! Anyone can join in and help #BiPride and #BiVisibilityDay trend again this September 23rd.If you've never heard of it - September 23rd has been marked as Bi Visibility Day, also known as International Celebrate Bisexuality Day, since 1999. It's a great excuse to talk about both bisexuality and the effects of biphobia.In recent years its grown and grown. Barack Obama's White House held receptions to talk about bi people's issues from 2013-2016. Sadly that's probably not going to be continued by the Trump administration (now I stop and think what The Donald might tweet about it I'd probably rather they ignore it!)The UK government has issued messages of support for the past few years too.Bi and bi-friendly groups organise events, town halls issue proclamations and the like. Last year Leeds City Hall even got lit up in purple to mark the day while many public buildings fly the pink, purple and blue bi flag.
This post is going to be far different and more ugly than my last post.
I let some friends of mine know how I'm struggling right now. These are online friends, I still haven't had the guts to let people who see in person how hard I'm struggling. How hard it is to keep going. A part of me wants to hide it from them. Another part doesn't want them to think I want attention. But mainly, I don't want them to worry about me, they have enough to worry about and me not adding more stress for them.
Today I got hit hard again. Right now I should be freaking out, but it's like I don't give a fuck what happens. I want to give up, to lie down and stop trying. I want to just end it all. However, I can't do it. I can't leave my sister who just had her baby. The thought of hurting her kills me. The thought of hurting my mom, my other sister and my niece is unbearable. Plus I was raised as a Christian, so the thought of going to Hell, makes me afraid. I'm trying to pull myself up from this hole I've put myself in. It's hard, very hard. I signed up on a depression forum. I still haven't posted anything on there.
Maybe this blog post is just me trying to reach out. Maybe I'm not actually as much done as I think I am. I'm scared at the fact that I'm not freaking out right now like I should be. I'm scared of this emptiness that is inside of me. I'm just scared...
Today is the last day of my medical break after surgery. It's officially been 6 weeks since I was sliced open and I am considered fully healed. I feel good and am ready to return to work. With everything going on with these stupid neighbors, I'm actually looking forward to going back to work. I'm hoping that when I'm not in my home, feeling trapped, all day maybe i can STOP thinking about these stupid people and this fucked up situation, even for just a few hours a day.
Speaking of neighbors and this stupid situation...I think we have a long term solution figured out and things are moving forward. My mother in law is getting up there in age and owns her home, just a mile down the road from mine. It's a 3 bedroom home with a basement. She's a single woman who lives alone with her cat (I'll have to tell the story of her and this cat sometime, it's adorable). She has been telling my husband for years that she's ready to start downsizing, the upkeep on the house is getting to be too much for her. She's had a knee replacement, I think both hips replaced, her body is not in any condition to be raking leaves or shoveling snow any longer. Well after we were forced to move back home from that other rental, we started looking for another solution. Besides the neighbors and this stupid shared driveway, we're over the house. Yes it is my home, I married here, I was pregnant here, I brought my son home to this house. We've lived and loved for almost 14 years in this house. But it doesn't fit anymore. It's too big, much bigger than we need. And we don't have any yard to speak of, which is a nuisance. It's a small yard, not nothing, just too small to enjoy. When I was a young mom and had a baby to follow around, it was perfect. Now I have a 9 year old who needs more room. There are only 3 of us, but it's an 1800 Sq Ft 4 bedroom 2 bath house, with a full basement. And my husband needs a garage. I have a list of furniture I'm waiting for him to build me, he has all the tools, but not the room. Building furniture in the basement complicates things. So my mother in law offered us whatever help she could to get us out of this house. First we asked her to purchase an investment property (She has the money and credit to do so) and let us move into it. That way we could rent it from her and have a place to stay, while working on improving the property to sell for her to make a profit on when the time came for us to move on. She readily agreed and immediately made an appointment at the bank to speak with someone about how to go about it. My husband and I actually have excellent credit, both of our scores are over 770. I bust my butt to keep our credit scores high. But unfortunately he lost his job last week and my income alone is not enough to get us approved for anything. Which is why we asked for her help, because if she was our landlord we won't need credit and job checks. My husband finding work will not be a problem at all, but no one will finance you unless you've been at a job for a set amount of time, which we don't have. We want out of this house and to put it up for sale while the peak in the market is still hot. So after some discussion with the bank there were a few options put on the table.
One option was that my mother in law could take a second mortgage on her home (Almost paid off) and finance a loan for a house, but there were rules that required she live there so it wasn't really an option. We aren't asking her to reach into her retirement and pay for a home in cash, so we looked at other option. One being she move into a smaller place in her effort to downsize, and we move into her home. We all let that sit for a couple weeks and after some discussion decided that, if she was ready, this was the way to go. It stopped anyone from having to take nay type of financing. It moves her forward in her effort to downsize, while not getting rid of her house. It allows us out of our place and puts s into a home we know the history of. So she started looking for places that would fit her needs, and that's where we were. So my mother in law called my husband yesterday and said she'd found a duplex that she wanted to go have a look at, so they went. By the time he came home he was saying she had already filled out an application, and I don't see a reason her application would be denied. We had a realtor come look at our home last week and he sees no reason we shouldn't be able to expect an offer to at least allow us to break even, we'll meet with him again Wednesday to discuss the CMA he did for us.
So....my mother in law is probably soon moving into a duplex and we will be moving into her home. This will give us some time to figure out our next move (We'd like to leave Michigan), and give her a chance to try living somewhere smaller while still giving her the option to keep her home to come back to her home if after some time she decides she doesn't like the downsized place. I am very, very grateful that she is willing to help us and that instead of it just being a benefit to us it's a benefit to her as well. She doesn't have to sell her home, or put in strangers as renters.
I can't wait. I can't wait to get out of this house. I'm over it. There are more stories too long too tell that have to do with being lied to and let down by another neighbor a couple houses down over this whole situation. Someone we have considered family for the last 13 years and she just turned her back on us without thinking twice about it. After that, it's not just my house I've outgrown. My neighborhood is broken. It doesn't feel like a little neighborhood family anymore like it always did before. Add up all the reasons and it's time to move on and I'm so grateful that my mother in law is willing to help and provide us this option. It's so perfect, keeping us in the same area so that the 9 year old can stay at the same school. No need for employment checks to worry about. It's a smaller home, with a garage, and NO SHARED DRIVEWAY. Fenced in back yard and on a side street. It's close enough that my son may even be able to ride his bike to school since there are no major roadways to cross. And one big change I'm looking forward to it leaving my son home alone. He's a relatively mature 9 year old and I actually believe he is capable of being left home alone, for short periods of time. For instance if he gets out of school at 3:30 and goes home, and I don't get home until 5:30 or 6, I'd be okay with him being home alone. The law in our state doesn't dictate a specific age which means he's legally allowed and I'm confident he's responsible enough for a short time. However with these people next door harassing and threatening us, I never felt safe trying it. I don't like the idea that they might know he's here alone, and since I have caught them doing it I know they spy on my house. We just never felt like it was a good time to try it. But now I think we will be able to.
Lots of changes happening, and hubby is on the lookout for work. 2 moves happening soon, by the time I get back to work tomorrow the Christmas season will have already started and that will mean busy all the time. I've been fighting off this major depression that has been creeping in because of this living situation since last September when it all started. I am so much looking forward to being able to feel relaxed in my own home, and garden and use my yard again. Things are finally starting to look up!
.so lately I have been doing a lot of thinking and one thing I am realizing is that in order to be myself and embrace all of me, I need to be accepting of my sexuality and not expect others to accept it...this is all because i have started reading the warrior goddess training book and applying it like someone would a bible study. It's because of this that i need to explore my bi side and let it develop into what it will...for me that means posting here more, liking things i like and starting a bisexual album on instagram.
On another note, the other night my mom and i were talking about a game we play and she was telling me about an lgbt group the game has and that had not happened and may seen small, but i think we are moving in the right direction...its like i start working on accepting myself more and other little things pop up ..
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A trailer for the upcoming movie (Fall 2017) Professor Marston and The Wonder Women has been released and it looks like it will deal honestly with the polyamorous lifestyle of Marston, his wife Elizabeth and their shared partner Olive Byrne who together were the creators of Wonder Woman. Even by today's liberal standards their family arrangement was quite radical.
I wonder if/how the release of this movie, so soon after Gal Godot's very successful Wonder Woman, will have an impact on the public's perception of Wonder Woman as a beloved icon and hero for girls and women. If it is well received it might be an event that starts larger discussion in society about polyamoury and female bisexuality.
The trailer looks great and I'm really looking forward to seeing it!
It's the weirdest thing, but I don't cry when I'm sober.
Like...at all. Even when loved ones die. At least not genuinely.
I recognize that crying is a normal expression of emotion, but fuck if I'm subconsciously willing to do it without a few good slugs in me.
I just spent two hours with my eyes leaking. I don't know why I felt the compulsion to do it, but for whatever reason, I drank myself to a point where tears could flow freely. Now the head hurts a little, but the soul feels a little lighter.
There's nothing to talk about. No grand declaration of sorrow or stress.
I woke up feeling anxious. Worked all day with a feeling of anxiety. Came home, had several drinks, cried my eyes out at made up sob scenarios in my mind. Now I feel better.
Am I gonna talk it out with someone? Fuck no. Keep a stiff upper lip, soldier on, and never let them see you cry. Just cuz it's normal and natural, doesn't mean you have to shed that stone cold reputation.
Life sucks, Silo. Get right the fuck over it, and make it better, even if it kills you.
This emotion has been plaguing me for years off and on. For some reason, all of a sudden it's rearing it's ugly little dumb meanie head. I feel so lonely in a room full of people, at home with my family etc. I am not sure what to do about it, I know the reason I am lonely, I think I do anyway, the secrecy of who I really am, not being able to live my life as myself, the burden of being the saint in the family the one who holds everyone together, this role as made me very tired of trying to be perfect for everyone else, I am sick of it quite frankly. I am sure many reading this can relate, always putting other people's needs first, making decisions based on other people's feelings, the list goes on and on. The time is coming very near where I will reach my breaking point and hopefully it won't be to bad for the folks in my life, or it might?? LOL I am not sure yet. Normally a very level person, but everyone is human and have their own individual breaking point, I am close to reaching mine. So if you hear of an explosion of some sort of a mysterious kind in the world, it may just me reaching the point of my break LOL.
I am very thankful for this site and forum's like this one, being able to release some of what is inside me that I have not dared to breathe, its been an awakening of sorts for me. I for the longest time though, I was the only woman in the world who had feelings like these, I felt like I was going absolutely Cray Cray LOL... its so refreshing to know that I am not alone in how I feel and I am normal. Of course definition of normal can vary from person to person, but for the most part I am a normal woman who just happens to think other women are extraordinary in every way. That what I feel and have felt has been felt by many many women before me and many many more after me.
I am feeling better already as I type this, I think who ever said, writing down your feelings is therapeutic was a genius. I think that is all Ii have right now until next time I thank you for reading this rambling...
Life is strange and unexpected.When you think you can just relax,just for a little,the Universe decides to remind you that you deserve only what you have.
I came here in search of what, i really don't know.I don't interact very much in general and i found shy one night and thought it would be another one that i will read few topics keep what i want and my anonymity and then i'll forget about it.
I already knew i liked women and was in the process of admiting it to myself and was trying to figure out what I wanted to do about it.I started reading and felt safe here so i did a first for me and wrote an introduction in the welcome forum,another first was my pic and my about me!
Anyway,i didn't come here in search of answers and certainly i wasn't looking for connections,i was and still am afraid of them!
I saw her name written in the members and it was the first time in my life that i felt something not"normal".Her name made an impression on me and i started looking when she would be online.I had just started being a little more confident and was teasing around shy and she is a big flirt so we exchanged some light teasing and so she sent me a pm.We started talking and opening to each other really fast but i couldn't help it.I had started feeling a pull towards her.It was like she was a magnet and i could feel her pulling me!I never thought this was something possible and I was surprised at first but in time and as I was realizing things I started to understand more.
What was happening was fast for her too because she is very private but i wasn't thinking,i was very open to her and i normally am not with anyone.After some time and few misunderstandings we stopped talking here.It was the first time I felt anger for myself for being stupid and opening up and I wanted to leave shy.She returned before I do that and I let her explain why she stopped.After that we went on talking on an app and exchanged numbers.This is something i don't do and i did it only with very few shy members.
So we started talking on an app and one sunday morning out of nowhere i woke up and felt something like bubbles in my chest!It was surprisingly pleasant and i also knew it was her i was feeling and that she was happy!IEvery time i was feeling her i magically knew it was her I had become pretty familiar with her energy even from so far something that still amazes me!I messaged her and asked her what she was doing and she was out having some fun with friends.From that day i started feeling her emotions.And i knew it was her.At the beginning i couldn't separate if it was mine or hers but i had become better in time and i knew when it was her emotions later.
I could feel her emotions about a person she was telling me or about a situation that had happened and i could feel how she was feeling the moment she was telling me.I was telling her what i was receiving and she was telling me if i was right and usually I was.Sometimes under the clear emotion she was having there was another one hidden about the situation we were talking about.Different one.We both did a lot of self search and progress.I started feeling her when we weren't talking too,i felt an anxiety and fear about something that happened in a day in her life and it was so extreme that I couldn't stay still while it was happening,i felt the love for her mother,i knew when she was waking up or when she was sleeping,it was like a part of me was coming alive at that moment,it was an incredible experience!Of course every day isn't the same and I couldn't feel every day .
She was telling me to open myself and feel love but i was afraid of getting hurt and i remember one day she told me what is the worse that will happen?Let the love fill you!And i did,i was thinking one day why it was happening now at this time of my life,i was trying to search why it was happening and how and what am i,and this made me go through some very dark moments of course.But that afternoon i made a realization.That i was in love with her and i couldn't deny it anymore.Me who was all my life careful with the people I let in,who had grown up in a strictly religious society and hearing all the time to not trust strangers.I tried to overcome everything I knew and believed.I let love flood me everywhere and i knew that i could love her without restrictions and expectations!!I knew that i could feel love for everything!
We spent hours talking and trying to understand everything.She was trying to understand how it was for me and i was trying to explain it and this helped me a lot!I realized a lot of things and learnt more myself and a little how we humans are.How unique and complicated in our apparent simplicity.How connected we are if we allow ourselves to "see" and feel and how we are deep inside us under this exterior.
when our friendship went to a next level in a pretty amazing way we started opening up more and we had some amazing experiences energy wise! ;) This didn't last long because she dissapeared without an explanation and I am crazy about why's and stability.I can't stand assuming.I couldn't understand what was going on at first and why she just stopped talking and i spent days in bed feeling for two!
I could still feel her.I could feel her wanting and rejecting.Fighting herself and me!I could feel another human from miles away,rejecting me and i had to fight both my sadness and sorrow and hers and pretend that everything is ok because I have a life with a husband and a kid to live.I was wondering every day why.Those whys that where inside me since the beginning!
Why this happened in this specific time in my life,why I could "feel"another human being like myself,why the hell I opened myself so much and allowed someone to be a part of my life,even calling is hard for me because it shows intimacy sort of and allowing someone I've never met to talk to me on the phone was and is a big step.But as everything in life I see this as a lesson.It had to be done and despite all the hurt I felt I am grateful for her because she was the trigger for the beginning of something wonderful in me.
This is something only one member knows because she was the one that helped me go through this!With her amazing calm energy and her incredible self!
That amazing woman was there for me every single day! She found me the right moment,I had decided to leave from online, not only shy but everything including my phone. She was there listening and trying to help me.And she did with her calm strong energy.She knows everything with every detail and this helped me a lot too.Talking about something that can be perceived different from everyone.I needed to let them out and she was there,listened to everything on repeat for months,trying to be for me neutral and she let me be completely me,which is pretty crazy ;) because i am not like most people.But as I told her many times she is crazy too for tolerating my behavior
Slowly with her making patience and being my friend,my safe shelter,I managed to overcome whatever I was feeling.
Another connection started with her even more amazing and different but unique too.And it wasn't easy I admit because I had so many reservations and insecurities but she managed to cease them if not all most of them.Because she is that amazing!And I know I made mistakes with her but she is and will be in my heart and I'll be there for her in whatever form she wants me for as long as she want me.Of course my insecurities and my ego with her are still here and me being an over thinker doesn't help but I try
Part of the reason I am afraid of connections is this.I can't "feel"someone unless I have a connection and in order to have this I have to open up myself and let the other person in.When I decide to let someone in i consider them close to me,I don't share parts of my life and me and getting to know them and then suddenly they are over.I am pretty loyal I don't just open up and take it light!
And this blog entry is really something difficult for me because I give out part of myself and who I am!I really don't know for how long and if I'll let it here but for now it was something that I decided to let out
I have decided enough is enough.
If I'm not happy with myself or how my life is going, I need to stop moping about it and I need to change it.
I bought some new clothes today that aren't normally my style. Recently dyed my hair blonde and tonight I cut it and gave myself bangs, which I never do. I've been wearing make up more and damn, I just feel so much better about myself.
I'm a happier person dolling myself up, even if it's just for work or just for a few errands.
I feel so much better about myself, I have this new flood of confidence. I just feel so so good and it was such a little change.
Is it bad to not want to help clients who can’t help themselves?
Is it bad to have a deep desire to want to go home but the only way home is via death?
But this is my home, for now. And I really dislike it in this moment.
FB pics of dogs being skinned alive. Animals chained, caged and tortured. Seal pups left to leave a bloody trail when they slither over to their mother without their fur. Monkeys caged at the dinner table and heads smashed so we can eat fresh monkey brains.
We are the sick bas*ards and I want to go home.
A longing to see old souls that you connected with in this lifetime and wishing they were still around, partly thinking lucky them and partly thinking why them since they were the good ones.
Is it bad to want to shut down and shut the world out? Is it?
The amount of cruelty, bigotry and greed.
Mother Earth crying out to be saved, dirty waterways, piles of plastic and rubbish.
Let’s fill up our pockets with man made crap called money, so we can buy more man made crap.
The banks hanging us by the balls.
Will we ever learn to save ourselves when we let the world around us crumble?
Its okay we have outer space to screw up. No. Wait. There is already too much junk up there floating about. Managed to ruin that too!
Love, lust, greed, hate… I think we have left it too late.
Is it bad to want to shut down and shut the world out? Is it?
The last few years have been a little tough to navigate through. With an empty nest to contemplate I knew that things had to change. Little did I know where those changes would lead.
The first changes I made were to begin to enjoy the relationship between myself and my DH more. Now we have more time to spend together i enjoyed every second of getting to know him a little more each day. I learned to be comfortable with just the two of us doing activities.
I still see a family with young children and pine for the days that I was just starting out with my family but it is a more comfortable place now than 2 years ago when I felt as though my right arm had been yanked off.
I went back to University to study my masters degree and only have 2 weeks of teaching left and then a dissertation and I will have a masters degree. Where I found the motivation to keep going I'm not really sure as it has been a hard year.
I feel now more at peace with my sexuality than I ever have. Lots of talking and thinking and overthinking and crying trying to make peace with myself has lead me to where I am now. I will say that every single tear and thought and discussion was absolutely worth it and I am happy. I am no longer pretending or trying to hide away desires from even myself. I am what I am and what I am needs no excuses - I finally understand the poignancy of these words!!
Do I have challenges - absolutely! Do I have things I need to work on - Yes. However I can see the path and journey needed now it is no longer crowded with clutter.
To top all this off I am moving in about 3 weeks to the other side of the country. A new job and a new life. New adventures.....I no longer feel I need to take over the world.....I just need to take over control of my world rather than just reacting to situations. I am now changing situations and am excited about everything the future has in store.
There is one lady in particular that I need to thank for her support every step of the way. She is the most patient, amazing, beautiful and inspirational woman I have known. She knows who she is although I'm not sure if she will see this. She has been there every step of the way with me through the journey over the last few years and she means more to me than she can possibly ever know.
Forgive my sudden intrusion. Re-entry is what this is. I joined many years in the past and have rolled, tumbled and endured gushing wounds along this path to self-acceptance. I wanted... perhaps, even, needed that bright, shiny label. I was so eager to uncap the pink, purple and blue marker and spell my name on a white, fat sticker that I could fix above my heart: bisexual, here!
I have learned that it's not so simple. I remember when I joined and I look back on the confusion, the fear, the titillation, the joy in finding others like me. I remember leaning over and looking down straight into the depths of my own uncertainty and wondering if it would be right to jump. And I did. I fell through darkness and light. Happiness and misery. I fell again, and again and again and again. And when I landed, and spat shattered teeth into my palm, I swore it was over for me. I swore that I would never venture outside of the neat little fence I set up for myself around this hut of isolation. It's too much trouble, I said, My heart can't take it. And yet...
Sometimes I miss the connection. I miss having a reason to check my phone early... when the birds first chatter their sweet songs, accompanying the slow birth of the morning sun. I miss inside jokes, texted in the late afternoon. I miss pictures of self, taken for one, and one alone. I miss sending something that, when opened, would bloom a brilliant smile across a sweet face. I miss being wanted, desired. I miss the anticipation of heart-bursting ecstasy, signified by a lopsided red circle on a kitchen calendar. I miss sifting through a pile of sappy nicknames. I miss pinning the ultimate love song to her lapel and smiling, feeling my heart beat hard enough to vibrate my chest whenever I would hear it. I miss remembering every wonderful, stupid little detail about her. Like her favorite brand of perfume. Or the first time she heard her favorite band live. I miss breathing out warm passion and hearing it echoed back, in perfect sync. I miss all that, and more. Damn it. Sometimes, in small and large ways... I really want a girlfriend again.
I have been meaning to write a new blog for a while and update things a bit haha My life has changed in so many ways since I first found this site and most of it for the better. The most obvious reason being I found a girl and fell in love. I suppose I should start at the beginning.
I am from a very small rural community that is conservative to the core. Not settling down and having babies is just not how things are done here. Struggling with feeling attractions to girls wasn't the norm.
See I was rejected for years. Never got asked out. Never got hit on. Finally dated a few guys after high school and it wasn't much. It was then I met my first gf. I was so starved for affection and attention that it didn't matter what hell she put me through because it was better than the alternative. This went on for a couple years until something terrible happened to me (I do not wish to add details). It cost me my job/career, what social circle I had and nearly took my sanity. I was immediately put on antidepressants and a mild sedative. With what I'd experienced the doctors thought it best to protect me from myself that way. About 6 months later I made the choice to stop it. I was shell of myself and I hated it. For me feeling nothing at all was worse than feeling bad. Throughout this time my gf stayed with me but her behavior didn't change. It was only at that point I realized that it was a toxic relationship. That I was only hurting myself by holding onto someone like her. Someone who wanted to use me for money and stability but couldn't be bothered to be faithful or even say a kind word most days. So I ended it. After that I started to pull my life back together. A close friend of mine started to show a romantic interest. I knew she was bi and she knew about me. She listened and supported me. She helped me through difficult times and even dropped the L word. Turns out she only wanted me for my body. This all left me with a bad taste for relationships. At that point I wanted to be alone.
I found a job and moved nearly 800 miles away. I worked hard and played harder. I did things just for myself. I went on a vacation for the first time in my life. I went skydiving and zip lining. I ran obstacle races and went dancing til the clubs shut down. And I did it all without a relationship. I found a sense of peace. I was starting to feel comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. Then there was the issue of my sexuality. Only my one brother (also bi as it turns out) knew about me. I was in a position where I could maybe explore my feelings and be a happier more open person. That's when I found shy's. Being able to read these forums and discuss topics that relate to so many things in my life was fantastic. It made me feel like I wasn't alone in how I dealt with my feelings. Then I met Rocky...
I was in the chatroom. No different than any other time. Except this night she was there. She was witty and funny and a riot to talk to. I decided to take a peek at her profile and be her friend. I thought she was an absolutely gorgeous and wonderful woman. A delightful soul that I very much enjoyed being around and chatting with. One day she put up a post. She said she felt useless and miserable. I reached out in a pm. I'd stood in those shoes before and I knew it's a dreadful place to be. So we began to talk and we've never stopped. My reaching out blossomed into something incredible. I'd been single for years at this point and I wasn't looking for it but I found love.
My dad's health had taken a turn and work was starting to dry up so I moved back home. That was almost 3 and a half years ago now. Since then my relationship with Rocky has grown. She has met most of my family and we have become engaged. To my family we were "friends" but It was during this past Christmas holiday while she was here that my mom decided to clear the air so to speak. She flat out asked if Rocky's family knew we were in an intimate relationship. It was an awkward discussion to say the least but now it's all out there. Most of my family know and are just fine with it. My one brother and dad are homophobic. At this point my my brother knows and had a meltdown when my mom accepted me without batting an eye. My dad does not nor do most friends and other family members. Being in such a small town makes it difficult but I prefer my private life to remain just that. Private.
To end this I would like to thank whoever reads all this to get to this point. I know it is long winded. Throughout my journey I have had this safe space to express myself. A place where I don't have to hide who I am and who I love. This site is an amazing source of support and I truely hope that those who are looking for it can find it here as I have.
The DC superhero Wonder Woman will soon be in the media spotlight as her first big screen motion picture opens on June 2nd. The movie, starring Gal Gadot has been a long time in coming as Wonder Woman was created by William Moulton Marston back in 1941. Last year marked the 75th anniversary of her creation and the occasion was celebrated by her being nominated as a ceremonial ambassador to the UN, a decision which was quickly overturned after a vigorous protest was organized by UN staff who objected to a fictional female superhero (created to be a role model for girls), being granted honorary status.
Lynda Carter and Gal Gadot (past and present actresses to portray Wonder Woman)
Wonder Woman was indeed a champion for the rights of women when she created by Marston and his inspiration came from the suffragettes and the first wave of feminism in 19th and early 20th century. One particular source was the literary work of feminist Charlotte Perkins Gilman (1860-1935) who was a lecturer, writer and champion of autonomy for women.
Her most known work is The Yellow Wallpaper, a short story about a woman who suffers emotional and mental breakdown as a result of a "rest-cure" prescribed by her doctor. The story mirrors Charlotte's experience with postpartum depression after the birth of her daughter when she was was subjected to "rest" which was in fact an emotionally damaging enforced isolation. After recovering Gilman began her life's work of being a champion for the equality of women and the necessity for women to be able to work outside the home.Quote
"The first duty of a human being is to assume the right functional relationship to society - more briefly, to find your real job, and do it."
Gilman also wrote acclaimed non-fiction as well including Women and Economics and The Home: It's Work and Influence which elaborated on the thesis that women remained severely undeveloped when confined to domestic toil within a home.Quote
"To work is not only a right, it is a duty. To work to the full capacity of one's powers is necessary for human development - the full use of one's best faculties - this is the health and happiness for both man and woman."
Charlotte Perkins Gilman
Gilman also wrote a trilogy of feminist utopian novels, and one in particular, Herland (1915) provided a setting that would be used to create the back story for Wonder Woman.
Herland was a speculative work of fiction that explored the possible nature of a society made up of only women and girls. The plot involves a group of 3 male explorers who discover a hidden plateau where a female-only society has been evolving separately from the rest of the world for over a thousand years. The women reproduce through parthogenesis, a type of asexual reproduction that is found in some species of fish, birds, amphibians and reptiles. The men are surprised to discover that Herland is advanced technologically and yet ecologically sustainable and that it's inhabitants are well-educated, healthy and happy. After a prolonged visit the men realize that Herland is a society that is superior to theirs in every possible way.Quote
"The children in this country are the one center and focus of all our thoughts. Every step of our advance is always considered in its effect on them — on the race. You see, we are MOTHERS,” she repeated, as if in that she had said it all." - from Herland
Herland is the inspiration for Wonder Woman's birth place and home - Paradise Island which is inhabited by only women who reproduce asexually. The story of Wonder Woman begins when a man, Steve Trevor is injured in a plane crash near Paradise Island and is rescued and brought back to health. Diana (Wonder Woman) falls in love with Trevor and travels back with him to help save the world from the Axis powers (the main concern in 1941), and other subsequent evils.
William Moulton Marston would have been very familiar with the works of Gilman and other feminists of the time because he was immersed in that world though his association with feminists. His childhood sweetheart and later wife Elizabeth Holloway, a psychologist and attorney, exemplified the liberated woman who achieved success outside of the home. Marston's mistress Olive Byrne was the niece of Margaret Sanger, the radical feminist who championed the birth-control movement in the US and founded the organization that would evolve into Planned Parenthood. Her mother Ethyl Byrne was also a radical feminist who championed for the same causes as her sister Margaret.
Holloway and Byrne contributed to Wonder Woman both inspirationally and creatively; they provided advice and details about plots and dialog and it was Olive's article written for Family Circle in 1940 about Marston's views on the morality of comic books that caught the attention of M.C. Gaines, publisher of Superman. Gaines would go on to hire Marston as a consultant and then as writer for a new female superhero, Wonder Woman. She was conceived to be an inspiration for girls - she would be strong like Superman, but she would combine the use of that strength with wisdom and love. The comic was immediately popular and became one of DC comics most successful during the 1940s.
Marston's work as a Phd Psychologist also informed a belief in the goals of feminism, which he believed were important for improving the world. The quotes below reveal how his ideas closely reflect the feminism of Charlotte Perkins Gilman.Quote
“The truest kindness to any woman is to provide her with an opportunity for self-expression in some constructive field: to work, not at home with cook-stove and scrubbing brush, but outside, independently, in the world of men and affairs.”Quote
“The only hope for civilization is the greater freedom, development and equality of women.”Quote
"Frankly, Wonder Woman is psychological propaganda for the new type of woman who should, I believe, rule the world."
Marston also had quite radical ideas, especially for the time, about women's sexuality. In his book Wonder Woman: Bondage and Feminism in the Marston/Peter [the illustrator] Comics 1941-1948 Noah Berlatsky summarizes Marston's views:Quote
"...he devotes a whole subheading of Emotions of Normal People, titled “Women’s Passion,” to expounding on the commonness, normality, and general pleasantness of lesbian relationships. He starts by asserting that “nearly half of the female love relationships concerning which significant data could be obtained, were accompanied by bodily love stimulation” (Emotions 338). While it’s difficult to parse this statement precisely (is he actually saying that half of all female friendships involve lesbian sex?), it’s clear that female-female attraction is not, for him, a minority identity but is instead a potential available to, and enjoyed by, a very large number of women."
Many people find a lesbian subtext in the early Wonder Women comics and recently DC comics announced that Wonder Woman is canonically bisexual (see blog post Fluid Icons). Lesbianism was also present in Marston's unconventional family life. Byrne, who met Marston while attending university was invited to live with the couple to ostensibly raise their children so that Elizabeth could continue her career without interruption. Their relationship became polyamorous, including sex between the women and Olive would go on to have two children of her own with Marston.
Another woman, Marjorie Wilkes Huntley, was also considered part of the family, although she did not live permanently with the Marstons; when Huntley resided at the home the threesome became a foursome. The complicated Marston relationships were a radical solution for building a family aligned with the goals of feminism - to allow Elizabeth Holloway to fulfill her full potential as a gifted attorney without having to sacrifice having her own children. Olive Byrne fulfilled her great talent and ambition to be an exceptional mother and she with Elizabeth allowed William to fulfill his potential in creating a superhero icon for women's rights that would have a significant and persisting impact on society. There was more, though, to their family structure than vocational goals - there was a deliberate attempt made to fulfill the women's sexual potential, which included having have sex with other women.
Marsten family photograph (1947) - Standing: Byrne Marston, Moulton (Pete) Marston, Olive Byrne Seated: Marjorie Wilkes Huntley, Olive Ann Marston. William Moulton Marston, Donn Marston, Elizabeth Holloway Marston
[Olive's children are Byrne and Donn; Elizabeth's children are Olive Ann and Pete]
After William's premature death in 1947 (he was only 54) DC Comics hired another writer to continue Wonder Women stories but she drifted away from the feminist roots that Marston, Holloway and Byrne had planted and she became an unrecognizable shadow of her former self during the 1950s and 1960s. She was transformed into a figure that conformed to the status quo rather than one that championed for change.
Holloway and Byrne remained together as a couple for the next 33 years until Byrne's death in 1980.
In 1972 Gloria Steinem, who read Wonder Woman comics while growing up, chose her to be on the cover of the premier issue of Ms. Magazine thereby linking the 2nd wave of feminism of the 1970s to the 1st wave of the early 1900s. On Wonder Woman, Steinem is quoted as saying:Quote
"Wonder Woman's family of Amazons on Paradise Island, her band of college girls in America, and her efforts to save individual women are all welcome examples of women working together and caring about each other's welfare. The idea of such cooperation may not seem particularly revolutionary to the male reader. Men are routinely depicted as working well together, but women know how rare and therefore exhilarating the idea of sisterhood really is. Wonder Woman's mother, Queen Hippolyte, offers yet another welcome example to young girls in search of a strong identity. Queen Hippolyte founds nations, wages war to protect Paradise Island, and sends her daughter off to fight the forces of evil in the world... Wonder Woman symbolizes many of the values of the women's culture that feminists are now trying to introduce into the mainstream: strength and self-reliance for women; sisterhood and mutual support among women; peacefulness and esteem for human life; a diminishment both of "masculine" aggression and of the belief that violence is the only way of solving conflicts."
In addition to the upcoming release of Wonder Woman there is a movie scheduled for release later in 2017 titled Professor Marston & the Wonder Women which will detail his unconventional life and the creation of Wonder Woman. It will be interesting to see if the full extent of the domestic and romantic arrangements that Marston, Holloway and Byrne lived with will be depicted in the movie. They were way ahead of their time socially and perhaps their free polyamorous bisexual lifestyle is still too risqué to portray even in our supposedly progressive and tolerant era.
Melody Hour - Louis Icart
Charlotte Perkins Gilman http:// https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlotte_Perkins_Gilman
Herland, by Carlotte Perkins Gilmanhttp:// http://www.gutenberg.org/files/32/32-h/32-h.htm [Many of Charlotte's written works are available for free at gutenberg as they are 100 years old, or older] An online version is available at: http://hilobrow.com/2013/07/16/herland-1/
In addition, excellent audiobook versions are availble at youtube https://youtu.be/WJtrW-26NdI and Librivox http:// https://librivox.org/herland-by-charlotte-perkins-gilman/
On the Cliff (1910) - Charles Courtney Curran [1861 - 1942]
The Last Amazon: Wonder Woman returns by Jill Lapore http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2014/09/22/last-amazon
One less woman in politics: Wonder Woman loses job as UN ambassador https://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/dec/12/wonder-woman-un-ambassador-gender-equality
Production Begins on Angela Robinson’s “Professor Marston and the Wonder Women” https://blog.womenandhollywood.com/production-begins-on-angela-robinsons-professor-marston-and-the-wonder-women-5f791bbcdd3
The Secret History of Wonder Woman by Jill Lapore https://www.amazon.com/Secret-History-Wonder-Woman/dp/0804173400 [This excellent book focuses on the lives of the people who created Wonder Woman and those who influenced them. Highly reccomeded]
The Surprising Origin Story of Wonder Woman by Jill Lepore http://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/origin-story-wonder-woman-180952710/
Wonder Woman: Bondage and Feminism in the Marston/Peter Comics 1941-1948 by Noah Berlatsky https://www.amazon.com/Wonder-Woman-Bondage-Feminism-1941-1948/dp/0813564182 [Another excellent book that focuses on and analyses the content of the comics themselves]
Wonder Women of History http:// http://womanwondrous.juliamichels.net/wonder-women-of-history/ [Included in every issue of the early Wonder Woman comics was a quite elaborate (for comics) mini-story about a famous and/or important woman from the past. This is a list of each person chosen.
Bound to Blog - The Hooded Utilitarian http://www.hoodedutilitarian.com/2009/04/bound-to-blog-wonder-woman-1/ [This is a blog by Noah Berlatsky in which he blogs an in-depth analysis of every issue of the early Marston/Peter Wonder Woman No.1-28, Recommended if you are a nerd or fascinated by the feminist vision of Marston]
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Hi Shybi Family!!!!!!!
I am sure many women have been in enough relationships regardless of sex (hopefully more than one) to be able to decipher when a person's interactions with us means us good or harm. Today, I'd like to talk about we women being jaded (fooled) by politeness. A politeness so complimentary, nice, so disarming..................it sets you up to be betrayed.
I have had been a victim of "politeness," disguised in many forms a few times in my life............by men and women. In terms of men.............it's the general scenarios where you meet some "nice" guy who's good looking, charming, charismatic................saying all the right things to get you. Whether it's to get into your pants or get your hand in marriage...........the guy clearly has an agenda (as you see later in the relationship). After sometime in the relationship you learn this person really isn't nice perhaps. Sometimes you learn the guy is a creep/pervert/sex addict. Sometimes you learn the guy lured you in for nothing more to take his mother' place in being his glorified maid, housekeeper, bed wench. Sometimes you learn the guy simply likes to control people.............you took the bait so you're it. Maybe he has mental health issues. A guy with multiple personalities, maybe he was bipolar or schizophrenic and on his meds when you met him...................polite and kind. He turned into a monster without them. Where oh where did that polite person go you ask yourself many a days. In any event, we end up in bad relationships with men sometimes because of their insincere politeness. Books have been written about men and their shenanigans. But it's the women that I would like to focus on right now.
These same scenarios can take place regardless of sex. Politeness is a form of diplomacy..........easily disguised to ensnare an unsuspecting victim for personal gains.
I have been straight jacked by some women in my life. I've also seen how we can turn our politeness on and off when it suits our needs. I've seen women use politeness to disarm and conduct absolutely stunning acts of betrayal. Like a high school best friend sleeping with my husband and sharing all of my personal secrets with him...............enabling him to come back and use them against me. Friends all throughout high school and she commits the ultimate betrayal. The same thing happened with another really good friend I helped a lot riding her around town in my car, having her at my home, breaking bread with her, even partying with her. She was nice, kind, mild, not the brightest apple in the barrel....................but she was smart enough, cunning enough, polite enough for me to allow her into my small circle to screw my boyfriend and fuck up my otherwise nice relationship. Nice right!
I did all the things I was supposed to be, or so I thought. I was kind to someone that showed kindness. I was polite to people who were polite to me. I shared with people that shared with me...............I thought I had a firm grasp on protecting myself from being betrayed. Stabbed in the back. Pushed from behind by a ride-or-die friend or love. I was wrong. Being jaded by a woman can even be more difficult to get over than a man. We are supposed to have this invisible "sisterhood," regardless of age, sexual orientation, or ethnicity. We know how it feels to be poo poo'd on. We all have the horrible let down stories by friends and loved ones. But as a woman I must admit, being jaded and cut deep by a woman is so much more painful. Because most of us are sensitive, nurturing beings, it's almost inconceivable that a woman you're in love with could:
- Be Abusive (Physically, Emotionally, Sexually)
- Be Deceitful /Deceptive
- Act Selfishly, or
- Use Sex and Kindness as Weapons for Behavior Modification
Yes my friends...............we women can be some ugly critters at times. If you haven't had the experience yet, count it as a blessing. If you have................I hope you have healed and moved on. I say all this to say that as women, we must be careful to not be jaded by politeness or early expressions of love. Sometimes when someone is being overly polite, there are motives to betray us. When people are about to screw you over, they aren't usually mean which would give us a heads up. They are generally nice to you, to get you to drop your guard before they stick you in your ass with a pitchfork. It's a form of manipulation. For women, it's a manipulation we women have been labeled with since the beginning of time.............back to Adam and Eve (for the religious). So ladies..............as you embark on your lady love journeys, be wise. How do you prevent being jaded by a new love or acquaintance (but can apply to anyone in general):
- Self-Awareness (Be Aware): Be aware of conversational moods. One minute you have red flags going off all over the place and hairs standing up on the back of your necks. Pay attention to people and their sudden or renewed interest in you. It's likely not you, it could be what you bring to the table. Over-politeness is often difficult to detect when meeting new people, so go with your gut.
We women can be mean, vindictive, cruel, selfish, manipulative human beings. We can also be kind, beautiful, caring, compassionate, loving, attentive human beings. As we go throughout our lives experimenting, searching and finding love, and when it's not right for us...........letting go, please be go into (and out of) any and all relationships (casual, committed, or otherwise) with a do no harm perspective. Leave the woman (or women) in your lives better than you found them.
Ladies, don't take her kindness for weakness. But the most important take away is to not allow another to disarm you, leaving you open to wounds.
Have a wonderful week!
I've had a very rough few days...
Something I say pretty often. More so these days. When anyone asks "How are you doing?" "How have you been?" "How's life treating you?" It's sometimes answered in the negative, awful, but mostly in a vague "Yeah fine" kinda way in order to avoid anyone probing for more. I don't see my accomplishments, what I've achieved, how far I've come, how much life has changed for the better, all I see is the darkness. Depression has been a cloud looming over my head for as long as I can remember. I often think if it wasn't for the pain him and I would have parted ways a long time ago. But then there's my BPD too, borderline personality disorder. It's often described as the emotional equivalent to third degree burns. Mix them both together, add chronic pain with no relief, and you get me. A train wreck. Maybe a hot mess is a nice way of putting it. But a mess none the same.
Now I'm gonna try and focus on the positive for a moment, otherwise this will become a pity party real quick. The simple things most people go about doing every day, getting out of bed, showering, getting dressed, making something to eat, walking... They're all things I struggle with. If I've done all those things then that day is considered a success, a good day. I say this as I lie on my bed in my PJs, having not eaten because that was too much effort today. But the reason for this is because I was productive the last few days. I went out of my comfort zone and achieved something I never would have thought to ever do. I used my own initiative and progressed forward. So the pain I'm enduring now is partly because I did something good, something worthy of the pain that comes after.
But how do you deal with the pain that's there not because you pushed yourself too hard and achieved something, but because this is something you have to deal with most days, something there isn't a magic pill for, or some form of relief, something that causes your mental health to deteriorate. What do you do when the pain is so intense that you feel like the only way to make it stop is to not be here anymore. That's happened to me many times before. This happened last night in fact. No one else was around and I thought to myself, I just want it to stop, who would care if I wasn't here anyway?
I wasn't alone though, because I had my other half on the other end of the phone desperately trying to make me see the good things I have, how things aren't always gonna be dark, how bad days happen but we have to pull through them. She told me how she'd left her comfort zone and endured things she never thought she would because they positively affected us and our future. She told me how closer we get every day to being together every day. She stayed awake with me til late making me see that I am worth more than I believe I am. That I am loved, and needed, and appreciated. Even if I don't see it. She told me of how I've touched people's lives in amazing positive ways, including hers. That despite my negative upbringing I have worth and purpose.
I reflect back to 2014 today, a particular day in January when I felt so worthless and useless that I made a status here because I hated myself so much, and I needed to vent that anger somewhere. I think about how that status brought into my life the caring wonderful woman above. How my depression and negative feelings brought something positive into my life, and how to this day she continues to be the positive to my negative. So maybe I suffered that day for a reason, maybe I was hurting so bad that it made me reach out in order to find something amazing. Maybe what I'm going through now has a reason, a purpose, maybe it doesn't, but if I don't stick around I'll never find out the answer.
I'm often amazed at how kind people are to me, especially here, with their words and gestures. I find myself wondering why. I'm quite a moody, isolated closed off kind of person, who isn't particularly fond of being social. From my long conversation last night with my lady I've discovered something, that no matter how awful I feel, no matter how much I want to close myself off and be that moody awful person, I'm not. I put on a smile and I throw myself head first into people, I reach out and help, I offer my advice, my time, and this makes me see myself in a more positive light. Then this action is returned to me tenfold. But I've only now just seen it. So maybe being me isn't so bad after all, because it makes me a better person to those around me. It makes me, me.
Good day, ladies!
It's been a long time since I've been sort of on hiatus from Shys. Certain things were draining the life out of me, and I finally I can breathe! A few things happened, and things are starting to turn up for the first time.
I had been trying to get into this other district that is very hard to get into. I met someone on another website, and she and I had become friends. She essentially helped me get the job, and I am forever grateful to her. I swear, she's getting a NOICE Christmas present. He he! I'm so glad that I get to work with a good friend. It's been a long time since I've worked with a friend at work whom I kinda feel safe with. I don't trust people easily, but I think she might be someone I whom I can rely upon to help me. So that's great.
As many of you have figured out by now, those of you who keep up with my love life drama, my girlfriend and I broke up. I learned a valuable lesson: long distance relationships (LDR) do not work unless both parties are equally dedicated. I was working so much for someone who did not value my time. It took eight months and a $400 plane ticket for me to realize that. She even treated me horribly, as in she didn't give me much attention. She essentially told me that I was not good enough for her and that because of that, she wasn't able to spend time with me. It was interesting because her husband and I got along very well. So...there is that.
I also had a boyfriend whom I left because he didn't place me as a priority in his life. Enough said. I won't dwell on him.
I met a new gentleman who is very kind to me, and we just started dating. Hopefully, he will stay around. He's very sweet to me and treats me like a queen. He is willing to come to me instead of me going to him. He always tells me about how beautiful I am and the funny thing is that he is a lot like my husband. He he! My husband and I are going great as always. I still love him so much.
School has been going quite well. I'm going to school to get my degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, and it is a rather enjoyable and rewarding experience. It's gotten me to look into my life and notice many things. I can't wait to get my license to practice! I plan on advocating a lot for bisexual and pansexual people. We need all the support we can get. I'm also an admin for a kinky group of bi women too. I'm quite proud that I've had this position for quite a while. That has also kept me busy.
I'm looking forward to popping into groups and saying hello!
Take care, ladies,
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So, I've decided to be selfish. I am done always being everything to everyone at home. I am going to start taking time to just be me.
He is going to hate it, he is going to complain, but it is his fault. He always says I need to make time for me, it's my own fault I don't have a life outside the house. He'd be home if I made plans. So I decided to, I asked him to come home so I can go out on Friday. He asked if I could change my plans to another night, because he might be going out with the boys. He goes out every week, I can't remember the last time I got to. So no, I am going out Friday. I'll call the sitter if I have to. After that I may go out one night next week, if not I'll go the week after. I gave up my career to be a SAHM, and so far I've given up my life to it. It's his turn to give a little now, because I'm taking a little of my life back. If that makes a a selfish (insert fav offensive noun here) then so be it.
For once, I am choosing to make myself happy.