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rytime I hear something about being gay or bi or something along those lines, I start to think about how I am slowly becoming more accepting of myself and yet not at the point of wanting to share it with the world or even people around me. It was easier years ago when I had my best friend around and had someone to talk to and share things with and there has been no one else like that in forever and I find myself thinking about him a lot. There was a time that we didn't talk after the first time I deleted and blocked him and then we reconnected and then had a period where I hardly heard from him and let him go again..I had thought about sending him a friend request again and then I realized that if he wanted to be a part of my life, he could of sent me a friend request as well or a test or something and that says a lot right there.
But anyway, just hearing people- either my mom, her friends, etc, talk about gay people they know, all I can think about is how I'm not out and I don't know what to say about things.. one thing that comes up is how her boss has a ",partner" or whatever and it gets blown off when I mention it would be husband or whatever. Then a few times she will mention that someone could be gay, or whatever and she is fine with it, but yeah, when I came out to her I was told it was my business and she didn't want to hear about it...I know I could open the can of worms and say what I am thinking, but I don't want to have to defend my opinion and then when our neighbor comes over, I sometimes triy to avoid talking to her because she can be so freaking nosy and have to know everything...just like her dad used to be.
In the back of my mind, I know that I could come out and have to answer questions about it from everyone, and I take that as a sign I am not totally ready. I am becoming more comfortable with myself and I don't deny I am bi,and that is one reason I started this blog as a place to clear my head and I am learning more of what I want and slowly becoming comfortable in checking out girls. But I just don't feel ready to share this with everyone around me and maybe just maybe I don't have to.
But more on this later, I am falling asleep and need some sleep...
That's all for now:)SHAR
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So there have been times that i realize I am being checked out by guys and when I noticed, I smile and then feel weird about it. I am bi and find myself checking out more girls than guys.
The other day when i was renewing my ID, I found myself smiling at the girl who was waiting on me and I was also nervous because I didn't have one of the things with me that I needed and was freaking out that I wouldn't be able to get my ID done and then I would be screwed for my new job. But yeah, that all worked out and the girl sitting next to her caught my eye and smiled at me and then I relaxed a little.
This was a new experience for me to actually try and check out a girl and I don't know if she noticed what I was doing, but she was busy working on my stuff and I was trying to other to freak out because I really needed to get this done.
Anywho, we finished and she handed me my stuff and called me sweetie, and told me to have a good day...and I left...but that experience keeps sticking out in my head and I think that I am slowly becoming more comfortable with checking out girls..I don't know about the in out guys yet, even though I do that too...sometimes...
I think k for me it seems awkward because I am with my mom when we go places, and this is one thing I feel awkward talking to her about it and so it goes...
That's all there is, there isn't anymore...until next time
So often in talking about bisexuality I find people wanting to dodge "being labelled". Labels are, they explain, bad. Harmful. Restricting, people putting you in a metaphorical box.
I wonder what it's about really.
Cos when I came out as bi to my sister and she said "me too", labels were really useful.
When we talked about some of the problems we'd had being bi, other labels were really useful too - gay, straight, men, women...
When I found a bi group, having a word for it was very handy. Otherwise the poster would have had to be terribly waffly, like some kind of parlour game, a version of the yes-no game where you can never say "both" or "and".
I think frustrations with labels are often not about labels - which are just words, the very things that have made us such a hugely successful species - but about the things people think come along with the labels. Bisexuals are indecisive. Bisexuals are greedy. Bisexuals haven't properly come out yet and will pick a team later.
None of those things are actually about bisexuals. But you hear them enough and being labelled bisexual doesn't feel like a good idea.
Which is a shame, because as boxes to be put in, bisexual is just about the roomiest, least restricting box in the world. As wide as the seas. From "my head is almost only ever turned by women, but that one man every now and then" to "it's all about the genderqueers, but there was that one time with someone cis", from "lots of all sorts of people" to "only a couple of people ever, but I'm open to whatever might come along next".
I think a guy and I are flirting.
I mean, he comes up to me today, asks if I want a kiss, and hands me a Hersey's Kiss. That's flirting, right?
I just hope I didn't blush too bad at that. Especially if it actually wasn't intended as flirting. I used to blush horribly. No one has commented on it in a few years, so I can only hope I got over that tendency.
That's far from the only example, though so much of it is the sitting around mildly insulting eachother sort of flirting, so it's kind of hard to say. It's maybe possible that it's been going on for years, but definitely escalated over the past few months.
He's married. I'm married too, but we're poly, so it doesn't count. I told my husband I had a new work boyfriend, and he's like "Ok, whatever". But this guy, he's sealed in the temple for time and all eternity married. I ain't messing with that. Not that I believe in it, but it pushes several very specific mistrust buttons for me.
But he's sweet and funny and clean cut and taller than me and intelligent and educated and caring. And paying attention to me. And all of this without one ounce of creepiness or inappropriateness, beyond the fact that we're both married and seem to be flirting.
And, truth be told, I don't think I have any real non-platonic interest in him. My mind hasn't gone there, and doesn't seem to want to. Which kinda makes me question whether I'm interested in men at all anymore.
I just like attention. Especially such nice, undemanding, PG attention.
I've always questioned whether he is actually straight. At first he totally pinged my gaydar. And then I found out he was Mormon, and that made sense, because it isn't unusual, in my experience, for Mormon guys to appear more interested in musical theater than women. But guys I'm interested in have this odd tendency to be gay, or at least bi, and he wouldn't be the first married Mormon guy with a bunch of kids to actually be closeted.
But he seems to be flirting with me, which implies at least some interest in women, except that I'm flirting with him and I'm not at all sure I'm interested, so perhaps it's the same on his end? Maybe this is all just some insane ego-boosting charade for both of us?
One can always hope. Because that's certainly easier than the eventuality that one or the other of us will have to put a stop to this.
Well. The Republican tax bill officially has enough votes to pass the Senate. Time to gear up for a 300% increase in my taxable income, without any corresponding increase in real take-home pay. This after I realized this month that my bank balance is negative, because I was given less than $4500 stipend for the entire semester and have been filling in the cracks with credit card debt.
I realize that in global scale of injustice, chronically underpaid graduate students are far from the worst off. However we are facing some problems, that are about to get exacerbated. Personally I will probably be ok. But right now I am just sad, mad, and scared.
If Hozier's "Someone New" isn't the most accurate song for me right now, idk what is. I can talk to someone for a few hours and, if they're kind, flirty, and I find them attractive, they become my favorite person for those few hours. Luckily I don't see myself actually being with any of these random people. Not to take away from any of them, of course; they are all quite wonderful as far as I've gotten to know them. I just get a lot of joy from making them smile or blush. I'm excited for our interactions.
Did a little reading on it and it's as I expected: I'm just a flirt. Here's the best description I've found so far for what I feel:
"You are genuinely interested in people and want to make them feel like they matter and are special to you. You truly want other people to feel good and there is no manipulation of any kind going on. If anything, your flirtation serves as a means to lift yourself and another person up, because, most times, it’s a mutually beneficial exchange of smiles and excitement over connecting with each other. You’re like a modern-day saint, basically."
Ignoring that last sentence, lmao, this feels pretty accurate.
I guess that's all I wanted to say here.
So I might have deep seeded issues from my childhood :-P . But I turned out reasonably sane, I promise. These are sayings grown-ups used to say that now as an adult I disagree with.
"You have to suffer to be beautiful."
From waxing, to high heels, to spending hours of doing our hair, women go through a lot of pain to look "pretty." My mom's justification is that it's just the cost of being beautiful. I strongly disagree. I believe beauty is when we are truly ourselves. We are truly ourselves when we are comfortable and in our own element. We are the most comfortable when we are at our most natural, when our essence shines through. And that takes no work at all (maybe just a little courage). So I believe that being our beautiful selves is the easiest thing in the world.
"All couples fight. It's just part of love."
I guess this was a way to explain the fights our parents would get into. There was always a lot of yelling, sometimes things got broken (photo frames, lamps, walls....). I understand that life has it's struggles, it's not all unicorns and rainbows. But yelling only escalates things. As an adult in a relationship approaching a decade, I have discovered that not all couples fight, at least we don't. Does that mean we love each other less? Certainly not! It means when we disagree we don't get defensive, and we listen to the other person. There are times when I do close in, and need space in order to process my feelings, but I would never lash out at my partner. We're in this together.
"Better to have loved and lost, than not loved at all."
I hate this saying. A lot. I've gotten it many times from adults after a heartbreak, and it did not help in the least bit. It doesn't make sense to me, and brings little comfort. Was I suppose to feel lucky then? Grateful that someone ripped out my heart? How does this help me heal? It didn't. Nor did it help me evolve as a person. Just say: "It sucks, I know."
i am sitting alone and thinking how much i changed in the two years i am member here.How much i have learnt about life,relationships, the world and me.Mostly me.I thought i knew myself pretty well but i had to find an online community of all to prove me wrong!
All my life i've been avoiding close relationships and opening up because that's what i have been taught .All i was hearing growing up from my mother ,in a close Orthodox Greek community was not to get too close and trust much because everyone will try to screw with you.Be careful because almost everyone has a purpose when approaching you.Do not trust.And always,always, before you do or say something put yourself in the other ones position first.
And then there was my grandmother.I swear this woman could beat General Patton and any general .Everything had to go through her first.She practically raised me and my four cousins because our parents were working almost all day.She was getting us ready for school,preparing our breakfast,lunch and dinner,taking us to vacations,along with my grandfather.And according to her i was the one of us four ,the weaker.The one that was not eating like the others ,the one that had to be protected most of all.Her biggest obsession was food.The fatter the healthier!I was more rebel and didn't want to eat whenever she wanted like a robot plus i never was big fun of food But she was a very strong woman and i had to do whatever she wanted.We were eating all together my cousins and me and we had to eat when she wanted.Every time i was the one left behind and every time i was forced to sit on the table until i finish.And because of that i had to sit sometimes even five hours.With my food untouched of course.And every time I tried to get away with everything i could.At first i was patient and hoping that she would let me go but it didn't work.Then i started crying,this didn't work either.I started begging her to let me go after three or four hours but she wouldn't listen.I used the bathroom excuse hoping i could get away but after the first times this didn't work either.I was not allowed to get up and go to the bathroom for hours.So,i had to sit to a table watching my food and hoping it would vanish by a miracle .But of course this didn't happen.I started wondering how someone that is supposed to love you so much,because i knew she loved me,could be so cruel at the same time . I was feeling angry with her and with my parents for allowing her to do this without stopping her. I learned slowly to control me at the age of maybe ten.I had to sit on that table for five ,six hours and control my emotions because no one would listen and no one cared enough and that's what i thought at that age of course .I had to control my body reactions because if i wasn't i would have an accident,i had to control my anger and sadness and anxiety all directed at my grandmother for not letting me go. I didn't let anything to show.I couldn't react so i was shutting down the emotion before it would even appear . And of course I had to deal with the pity looks of my cousins and the names they were calling me. For years they didn't like me because I was getting extra attention from our grandparents, like I wanted that!
I remember one day we had fish,i hate them,i can't even smell them still and that's because i had to drink every morning before school a spoon of oil fish.Tha's what someone told her to do.If i was throwing up because of this i got a slap so i had to control this too.Anyway,one day we had fish some small ones and like every day i was the one left behind.I had to eat at least 15 with their heads too and i just couldn't.So i was at the table for five hours and i was thinking how i would get away because that day she was determined to not let me go.I started complaining my belly was hurting but she had none of it.I was complaining and crying for about an hour when she allowed me .She let me alone for about three minutes and in that time i manage to shove all the fish in a napkin and under my shirt but i was that stupid and didn't think that i couldn't have possibly eaten 15 fish in two minutes hahah.So she knew i did something.when i tried to pass near her she caught me and i panicked.I started running and my hands were in my belly holding the fish.She was trying to lift my shirt but i was determined to leave.I fell down and wouldn't get up and let her touch me until she gave up.I felt i did something big that day
She was forcing me to eat and drink whatever shit old ladies were telling her.My worse,the one i couldn't stand was red wine mixed with sugar and raw egg.I was crying every time she was giving it to me and i just couldn't keep it down,it was impossible.After my mother begged her that i couldn't eat it,it stopped thank God! haha
Yes i wanted to write how this site changed me and i got carried away.So,anyway controling my emotions was something i was proud of growing up.For some it's good for some it isn't.In certain occasions it is good.But since i joined here a lot happened and i have learnt that it is ok to let go and be open despite the hurt that might come.I have learnt not to control my emotions so much.That trust is something personal and different for each.That now i have managed to open up i can feel not only my emotions but others too.sometimes in so many details that it scares me.And i am trying to deal with it as best as i can because it sure isn't easy.Being in control of my emotions all my life and now suddenly trying to understand not only mine but someones that i have never met in the physical world.Avoiding connections all my life and now because of this ,because of the emotions i feel as my own being connected is unavoidable. But most of all i have learnt myself.
That was hard writing it!!But i'll leave this for now too. Also excuse any mistakes in English.I could write it in Greek but but i am not in a Greek site
*Warning, this blog will contain content that deals with polyamory. If you are not open to polyamory or don't practice it, I don't want to hear from you. Yes, we are free to do whatever we want, but you're not going to help me. Please carry on.*
*Second warning: there will be gratuitous use of the f-word. If you do not like the f-word, Then, do not proceed."
I don't think I will never disclose any information about any of my secondary relationships to any of my monogamous friends who aren't open to poly. I have one friend who is open and does not judge me or tell me "why don't you spend more time with your husband" or "be glad you still have your husband." She listens to me, and she understands my feelings! I only have one of her, and I can't just unload on her because she's all I've got!
Back to the statement: "why not just focus on your husband and don't even worry about finding another partner?"
Are you fucking kidding me? When did I ever mention that something was wrong with my husband? Why do people even bring him into the conversation when he isn't part of the problem??? Why do people do that? This is some heteronormative and mono-normative (I know there is a word for it, but I can't think of it right now) type bullshit! Honestly! It is statements like these that push me to the point where I don't have patience when talking to someone who is not familiar with polyamory.
I am upset that every external partner I have attempted to go out with has flaked out on me. My husband has been nothing but supportive! He and I spend a lot of time together! A lot! He and I talk together! Our love life is beautiful. Do I miss him when he is at work? Absolutely, I do! Who wouldn't miss their husband? If I didn't, then there might be a problem; however, there is no problem with our goddamn relationship? Why do people feel like they have to fucking tell me to spend MORE time with my husband?!?! I DO spend time with him! We spend a lot of time together! Every week! Every weekend! Why do people think that I have problems with my primary marriage?! WE ARE ABOUT AS NORMAL AS EVERY OTHER MARRIED COUPLE! For fuck's sake!
Why? Why do people assume that there are problems with your primary relationship? The secondary partner isn't an imaginary person! They existed too!
I can't be pissed or sad because I lost my second partner? I'm supposed to be numb about this whole other person not here in my life anymore???? So mono-normative of that!!! Ugh! That second partner meant something to me! I'm not just going to pretend that she didn't exist! That is horrible! That is a disservice to another human being, granted she pissed me off, but I cared about her! I still do and that is what pisses me off even more about it! Ughhhhh!
She pisses me off that she gave up before the relationship could even have a chance! I'm so angry at her. She was so good. So good. Damn it! I can't even talk to anyone else about it. She even lived SO CLOSE to me!!!! I'm not going to talk about her to my husband because he will get very protective of me and just say mean things about her, and I don't want to hear that. Lol! This is what I love about him. He defends me to no end. I appreciate him and I love him so much.
*cries on the floor*
My phone is in the other room because I do not want to hear the notifications from my friend who thoroughly pissed me off. Just the mere mentioning of them advising me to "spend more time with my husband" and they've never even spent time with me to know that I do spend plenty of time with him makes me want to slap them. My god. I'm done! Fucking done. I'm going to go to bed. I need to go to my corner and think about all the things I've said.
I'm not asking for advice.
I am just venting. That's all.
I'm not looking for anything.
If you are poly, know a lot about polyamory, and STILL practice, or you have some encouraging words that have kept you strong and active in polyamorous living, I'm not opposed to seeing them.
P.S. My apologies for the cursing, but I'm utterly pissed off because I lost my secondary partner because she just...I can't even get into it because there will be a fucking novel here.
...the silence echoes off the walls...
...as inside your world falls...
...as it all comes crashing down...
...unable to speak or make a sound...
...your soul just keeps on screaming...
...nightmares plague your dreaming...
...awake you cannot say...
...why you feel this way...
...but you know you are lost because you can't reach out...
...you see salvation yet you drown...
...easier to let the dark drag you under...
...then to let the vultures plunder...
...pick away until there's nothing left...
...cloaked in lies, masked by death...
...bleached bones of broken promises not worth the mention...
...on a sandy lot of good intention...
...is all they ever leave you with...
...even if the sand you sift...
...what treasure left, a cursed gift...
...It robs you of your voice...
...takes away all your choice...
...until the only option remains...
...to look on yourself with less disdain...
...to be reminded of kinder days...
...when people would listen to what you had to say...
...cared enough not just to hear...
...the sound of their own voices...
...doing anything to fill the silence...
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This is the story of how I discovered Shybi.
Two years ago, I became attracted to a local mother whose son attends the same elementary school as my son. Her name starts with the letter "D", so let's call her "D". For years prior to that, I'd see D at various school and community functions where we would chitchat about typical things mothers talked about, such as homework, extracurricular activities, etc. -- it was unremarkable. I've always noticed her understated beauty where her sweet face was never masked by excessive makeup, and her body was naturally cared for by her healthy lifestyle. However, I am sapiosexual (attracted to intelligence) and somewhat demisexual, so looks alone is not enough to attract me; I needed more. Then one day at a kid's birthday party, I found out D is a biology professor at the local college and has recently been promoted to the position of Dean. That immediately peaked my interest in her and got me conversing extensively with her. I found that D is an exceptionally intelligent woman with passions and values that match mine. Each conversation with her leaves me swooning and lusting for her. I soon found myself obsessed with her.
I spent each day looking for bi clues and hoping she was secretly attracted to women as I am. I downloaded the HER app hoping to find her there. She wasn't. I scoured the internet searching her name with lgbt related terminologies, to no avail. Then I came to Shybi, also hoping to find her here. She wasn't. I eventually gave up and concluded she is straight.
However, in my dashed hopes for a special relationship with D, I remained here at Shybi where I am learning more and more about myself, and it was here where I discovered my identity as a bisexual woman. From then on I've made further progress: I admitted my attraction to D to my husband, who was surprised but intrigued to find that she was my type. I also had serious talks with him about my expectations and my strict limitations if I were to develop feelings for other women in the future. As an additional benefit, our (already strong) relationship became stronger.
Every time I see D, I want thank her for taking me to a place where I can further my journey as a bisexual woman, however I believe I will forever keep my gratitude a secret.
Dear beautiful D, in the off-chance you come to this site and read this blog entry, thank you!
It's been months since my last entry, and I've honestly missed being brutally honest on here. So much has happened, almost all of it a mess. My friend, who I fell hard for, told me to pursue relationships because she saw me as just a friend. Still, she acted weird every single time I started talking to someone, male or female. I tried to maintain, and I accepted that I probably wouldn't be with anyone. I was accepting that I had come out as bisexual, people were generally accepting, and I continued to work hard in therapy.
While doing some activities completely alone, I met someone. A beautiful man who wanted nothing more than to make me happy, to show me that I could be vulnerable, that not everything had to be scary, He asked me to just give him a chance, and I said we would get nowhere without complete honesty. With nothing to lose, I told him everything. Everything that hurt, everything I had been through, every reason I could not possibly be a good girlfriend. Most of all, I bit the bullet and told him that I was bisexual.
I had never told a potential partner this, and he had reasonable questions. How many women had I been with? Did I try to be with women? If we have a real future together, am I ever going to regret not being with a woman, because he wants 100% commitment? I answered every question honestly, including assuring him that if I was with ANYONE I would want 100% commitment too. He was looking to settle down, plan for a family, and it felt so natural. We've now been together almost six months,
The painful part comes in about three months ago when my friend, my crush, decided that I was not there for her enough. She felt uncomfortable with my relationships elsewhere; she said I was forgetting her and leaving her behind. Instead of talking to her about my pains, I shared everything with my boyfriend. Then, she observed me with a group of friends - having a good time - and said she had lost me. I tried to explain; we argued, screaming and crying, for hours with no resolution. I finally said, "I can't do this anymore. I need you to realize you are wrong on this one. It isn't fair what you're doing." She said I needed to do the exact same thing. I concluded, "I have to let you go."
We have not talked since. I had already paid for an expensive vacation which I took on my own, and it was so weird to know that she and I will never talk again. I explained to my boyfriend that ALL of this was complicated; he took the embarrassing details far better than I would've had the roles been reversed.
I hate that I feel like I ruined everything with that friend by admitting the truth; however, I am so lucky. I have met the absolute love of my life. He has shown me so much peace and acceptance that I've fallen so deep in love. It worked out for the best, and I'm glad I'm out. It is just that now I have completely new fears.
This man wants to be married, to have kids, and grow old together. I am terrified to be intimate again, especially since I've only been with one person - a violent, abusive man. I am terrified I will be a terrible wife, terrible mother. But I want this life...I want to be with him. I don't want to be afraid anymore. If I made it through the pain of losing a woman who I was sure would always be in my life, I know I can face these new fears. Wish me luck!
Normally, this wouldn't bother me but it does. And the reason why it does has to be with the fact I was being watched/stared at.
Today, one of our VPs jammed a copy machine, and after he was unsuccessful in unjamming it. He left to reprint the documents on another copy machine. Well, while he was gone. I went to the machine and proceeded to unjam it which entailed my following the directions on the screen. Well, when he came back to retrieve the documents he sent to the other copy machine. He just stood at that machine watching me unjam the copy machine. After I unjammed it, I waited a minute to see if the machine will jam again then proceed to walk away, and as I walked away. The machine jammed again (I need to wait longer than a minute next time); so, I went back to it to see where else the paper jammed and proceeded to fix it. He continued to watch/stare at me while I fixed it. The only reason why he stopped watching/staring and walked away was because one of our IT guys walked in to tease me about breaking the copy machine and offer to help me since he heard me unjamming it.
Unjamming a copy machine isn't an issue for me. I am more than happy to unjam the bloody machine if I know how. The issue is that I was being watched/stared at while doing it. Typically, if a machine jams at work someone (1) asks someone to help them unjam it, (2) unjams it themselves or (3) walks away and leaves it to be someone else's problem. There is no staring/watching involved. If a person asks for help to unjam the machine it is a team effort, and if someone happens to walk by you while you are unjamming the machine. They just walk by and make a comment or offer to help you. They do not watch/stare.
This isn't the first time he has watched/stared at me. He has done this before while I was walking to our other VPs office to drop a folder off, and even after I said to him I am not going to his office. He just keep on watching me and chuckled. Another time he stared at me while I was about to leave the kitchen and he was walking by it. One of my boss' scared him because he was so focused on me walking out the kitchen.
So... after writing this. I have come to the conclusion that I just do not being watched/stared at without a rhyme or reason or someone saying something because I become uncomfortable after I realize I am being watched/started at.
Gerda Wegener (1886-1940) was a Danish illustrator and painter who is best known for her erotica which often depicted sex between women. When one looks beyond the explicit sexual content one can see a significant body of work that focuses on other aspects of feminine pleasure - music, dance, fashion, romance, and companionship.
Gerda and her husband Einar Wegener (also an artist) were the subject of a recent motion picture The Danish Girl (2015). Alicia Amanda Vikander, who portrayed Gerda, won the Academy award for Best Supporting Actress.
(The explicit images start near the end of the post.)
A self portrait
Gerda with her husband Einar Wegener (later Lili Elbe)
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I found shys on a random google search one evening and was soon hooked. I had finally found a place where I could be open about my emotions for the first time in my life! It’s liberating!
I have connected with some of the most amazing people who have made me open up (something I really wasn’t used to), they’ve listened to me on my down days (there have been many). We’ve laughed and shared stories and experiences, and every single interaction has made a huge difference to my life and how I’ve handled things along the way. I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to listen to me pouring my heart out even when you had your own problems to deal with so for that I am eternally grateful.
One unique lady became very special to me early on. I felt that magnetic pull towards her and I wasn’t sure what or why I felt that strongly, but I did. We hit it off quickly. So much in common, the same interests and desires. Everything just clicked into place. She was all I could think about. We messaged every day and grew closer and closer.
We were both open with our husbands, but sadly, they both became very insecure with our connection, which, to be fair, was stronger than either of us had ever experienced before, although we never told them how strong, I guess they could tell. As much as we love our husbands, we grew to love each other too and it consumed and scared us both. Despite their insecurities we had to see each other, with their consent, never crossing the line, and sticking to the firm boundaries that husbands had set. If you were hoping for a raunchy shys story, this isn’t it. It was however, the most romantic and loving relationship I’ve ever experienced with anyone before and I’m fortunate enough to have a best friend at the end of it too.
It’s been 11 months since our first messages and we’ve become so close, even if friendship is all we can have. The connection we made is unique and special and I’m a better person when I’m with her. I’m forever grateful to this place for making that possible.
So while her husband can’t bear the thought of her being with anyone else, mine is coming around to the idea. The journey I’ve been on with my marriage is a post for another time but he has been truly amazing and in an odd way it’s brought us closer. Lots of communication and trial and error, which has been really hard at times. In the end it all comes down to one simple but crucial point….that he must always feel like he’s my number one priority above anyone else. I neglected him at times and I see that now. He accepts I may have relationships with other women if the opportunity presents itself, as long as he never feels like second best. Sounds simple enough right?? I thought so until I fell in love with a woman. It’s…..intense! I have so much to learn.
So this is where I am now, a year later. I finally accepted who I am, I’ve dipped my toes in a world I was afraid of for a long time and found I’m quite at home here. I just need to figure out what I want, and I'm working a little harder on my marriage because he really is an incredible man.
Right now this is just a big thank you to the people who set up this wonderful site and allowed a highly supressed bisexual to express herself in ways she never thought possible. I hope it helps others too.
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I have no idea what I am about to to talk about in the blog post. But I would first like to thank whoever invented the software that corrects spelling, it has saved this girl on more than one occasion. ( I just misspelled occasion, I am going to auto correct so no one would be the wiser, just to let ya'll know I was spelling with two s's instead of one). Don't get me started on how I really butchered the word philosophical.
So lets begin, I would just like to know, who in the heck in America, decided we would park in a driveway and drive on a parkway? Seriously? I am going with the obvious that this must have been some man joke, you know, hey Bob, wouldn't it be so funny if we just switched the meanings of parkway and driveway and really screw up with people, yes Frank that would be funny as heck ( Insert a jolly old laugh from both Bob and Frank). These are the things that go through my mind in the wee hours of the morning when I am unable to sleep. I know its really really sad and yes I am aware that google more than likely has the answer, but I like to think Bob and Frank are still chuckling about how this fantastic joke stuck.
I also would like to discuss Ice Cream. Now I believe the besides being its own food group ( or should be) that ice cream was designed for several things in particular. It seems it is the ultimate comfort food for many, not all, but tons of people turn to ice cream in crisis. Say, you just broke up with your BF or GF hell this is Bi site lets go crazy, you just broke up with your BF and GF or they broke up with you,, what do you do, 1. Call your BFF 2. She/He shows up with wine and ice cream, I am pretty sure it is in the Best Friend Handbook, when said best friend calls crying ( especially about a break up) you must go to them immediately with wine and ice cream in hand. Also, ice cream is the extra good to help ladies during their time of the month, you go to the freezer see a pint of ice cream take it out get a bowl but notice it's almost empty, so instead of dirtying up a bowl , you just grab a spoon and scoop it right from the carton and into your ice cream hole. I believe it tastes best during the flowing days and also you can feel like a complete bad ass rebel who doesn't need know stinking bowl!
Anybody out there like rainy days? Oh I do, I love a wet rainy stormy day/night, but not like severe weather, nothing tornadic (red googly lines have to stay software on here doesn't show tornadic as a word). I find rain to be so pleasant and refreshing like, washing away all the old stuff to be replaced with new stuff. With rain you can use all your senses, you can touch feel it on your skin, face, lips, you can hear it, most certainly smell it, see it of course and lastly but not least you can taste it, just go outside and tilt your head back and open your mouth and taste the rain ( sure that isn't weird for a grown up to do that *shifts eyes**) I do not know what the love affair is with rain, but I a certain it has to do with my mother, just kidding, I mean my child hood. Played in the rain so many times, it was so much fun to ride your bike and feel the rain and wind on your face, making sure you hit every puddle you could find on the way home, feeling the water splash up on your legs; sure you got soaked to the bone but it was so worth it. Now when it rains, I just love to listen watch it and smell it; I admit it makes me feel nostalgic and oh so sleepy. But its still extra wonderful when it rains.
I think that is all for this installment, I hope it wasn't to boring and if you think I am insane well, please don't tell anyone LOL . I am off to try and see if sleep is real or some made up thing people like to say they get, it better be real or I will be back and typing my nonsense up for everyone to read. I know what your thinking, I really hope she finds sleep.....
I'm tired of the way you make me feel. I 'm tired of the ups and downs and the way you play with my emotions. I'm tired of you being a controlling narcissist and getting mad or suspicious any time I do something. I'm tired of being married to my dad.
I grew up with an angry dad and he taught me how to repress my feelings and bottle up my emotions. He was always angry and the littlest things would set him off. I learned how to walk on eggshells at a young age. The abuse was never physical from him, it was all mental, verbal, and emotional. My dad had a way of making us feel stupid and insignificant with just a look or a phrase. I grew up knowing I'd never be good enough, I grew up knowing I'd always be lacking in some way. I learned to tune out the yelling, I built walls around my cold, hardened heart to keep the hurt out, my humor became cynical like his, I learned to turn off my emotions, and I learned to accept and also expect disappointment from people in my life. His cheating and affairs made me angrier and so full of hate and resentment. I grew up hurting and angry...and then I met you.
You made me smile and tore down my walls and defenses. You accepted me and my flaws with open arms, and you made me want to be a better person. I couldn't believe you were real or that you had fallen for me. You took care of me and held me at night, listened to me when I needed a friend...you genuinely cared. I loved showing you off and bragging on you to my friends because you treated me well and you were so respectful and sweet to me. I woke up smiling and went to bed snuggled in your arms. My heart was so full of love that I thought it was going to explode on a daily basis. You made me feel again....you made me want to feel again. You made me feel confident and strong and beautiful and loved. You made me feel smart and special and loved doing anything and everything with me....I felt like I could conquer the world with you by my side. You made me feel whole.
Then I lost you.
Physically you sit here across the room from me, snoring as you nap on the couch. The laughter and smiles have become fewer, and the arguments and degradation have become the norm. Those dark feelings of insecurity and unworthiness have started creeping up on me, waiting to once again become a part of me. My heart is gradually turning to stone as I write these words, and the bricks are being laid in a circle around it. My emotions are as drained as the Tequila bottle on the counter, and part of me has begun to disappear. That woman in the mirror? She's flawed, her imperfections are too many to name. She talks too much, she's too trusting, she gets zits and needs to lose weight and she never does anything right. You remind me with your words that I didn't do something right, you remind me with your actions that I'm not enough. "If I were enough for him, he'd want to be intimate with me once in awhile." Says the woman in the mirror. I try to fight the hurt and despair, but it follows me everywhere. I am tired of this battle. I am tired of always being wrong and feeling insignificant. I am tired of trying only to be crushed and hurt. I sometimes catch a glimpse of the man I married, the man you used to always be. But sometimes isn't enough...sometimes doesn't make me feel like you used to.
I sit here and shut down my feelings, I only feel hurt and confusion. I look at you as I feel my heart harden and the wall continue to go up. I will not let anyone hurt me anymore. I will not be vulnerable to you, even if it means I have to shut down completely. The dark feelings cover me like a blanket and suddenly I feel nothing at all. I'm becoming numb to feeling and I'm okay with that. I'd rather feel nothing at all if my other options are hurt and confusion. I can be comfortable being numb. I light my cigarette and let the feeling of feeling fade away. I feel a little cold inside, but it beats the way you made me feel. I tried so many times to tell you and each time was less important to you, I was less important. With each puff of smoke I notice the numbness growing inside me and it feels so familiar, like going home after a long vacation. I welcome the numbness and let it cover me completely like a blanket. I snuggle in and get comfortable with it, I think it is here to stay this time.
So I am still here, well in body anyway but taking all my strength to keep my sanity. I don't speak to anyone other than a polite good mor ning and sometimes not that if I can avoid it. I do keep my eyes open though having worked with the anti social behaviour team in case I can get that all important video evidence and I keep a diary. One of the things I had noticed is that the main perp, the most biphobic and loudest seems to have connections in the local gay community, so that her game now appears to be to try and hurt me in that way but as I have not ventured on the gay scene for decades this is not really gonna affect me. I have only picked this up from observations as I go about my business. It proves just how much she talks about me and the different strangers to me that she gossips to. It's horrible really to be vilified in this way and totally unjust. Of course there has to be something at the root of all this and what is it they say is the root of all evil? That says more about them than it does me.
In the meantime, me? I am physically and mentally exhausted. I don't know what the answer is, they can label me what they want but if I ain't feeling it I ain't gonna do it. Why should I? Just to please them? I don't think so. I ain't making any major life decisions until I am absolutely sure of how I am feeling and until I feel ready. The main thing I want now is peace and quiet and to be allowed to go about my legitimate legal business without having other people impose themselves on me and try to run my life.
The more they do that the more I will run in the other direction.
There hasn't been much happening over here. I have been chatting every now and then and browsing apps like Her and Tinder. I matched with a couple of woman, but I still haven't clicked with any of them. It seems like most people are either looking for just friendship or just sex. I'm open to making new friends, but I am not interesting in a purely sexual relationship with anyone.
Hubby and I also talked a little, and he still wants to be involved. Maybe she would be our friend with benefits... Or maybe she would be a girlfriend. I really don't know yet. He has also mentioned twice that he has a friend who is bi. I met her once, but I don't know... I guess we would have to all meet up and see how it goes.
I don't have a problem with him being involved, but I don't think I am going to find someone who is interested in both of us. We'll see. I guess he doesn't have a problem with it being just me and her at first. We'll have to talk more so I can fully understand how he's feeling. I just don't know if I should do it now or wait to see if I can even if I can even find someone.
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Oh how I wish I could converse with you Em
Sit opposite you and intertwine our fingers, and have out hearts beat in sync
To see your pupils dilate, to hear your breathe, to smell the pheromones
Oh how I wish we could talk
Talk of our parents... dive right in to your brain
Your ability to know without speaking
Discuss our past, and present without a care for the future
Oh how I wish we could talk
In each others presence
And delicious awareness
Oh how I want to touch you on all levels
To hear you whisper my name
To curl up in your arms
To wipe away my tears
Oh how I wish we could talk Em
I really want to see how much you have grown
And show you how much I have been set free
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It all began back in 2009 when I found this site, I hid it from my hubby for two days. Then confessed all, which forced me to make my first comment on my sexuality - that at the time I was definitely bi curious. After arranging to meet up with some of the more local friends I'd made on here. I went along to my first BiFest in Birmingham, that day after listening to everyone else and being able to freely discuss my thoughts and feelings I realised that yes I was in fact BISEXUAL all along. I started to come out to people who were the very close near and dear, but hubby asked me to be discreet, as he didn't want bitch fit waves started in his family. I respected that, wasn't too happy about it but I understood and went along with it for him, especially as he was open and supportive in every other way.
I became like a teenager again, exploring online dating, discovering bi nights at swingers clubs - great for the more casual itch scratching with no strings and you can lock the men out! Even figured out I'd been harbouring BDSM leanings too, whole new discovery path of joy that has been.
Went on my first two dates ever, with girls I'd met on dating sites. Both separately turned into short term casual involvements. The first a lovely lesbian lady who isn't bifobic, and I'm still friends with even now. The second was a short lived relationship of sorts, still not 100% on what went wrong but it was fun while it lasted. Not to mention a string a casual making up for lost time action here and there, with casual involvements. Every year attending pride and loving that I could be 100% open for one day and not care who knew.
I even came out to my son, who has been hugely supportive from a young age. He sees no issue at all with my sexuality or relationship choices - I'm so lucky.
Then a good year or two of not much, after the short lived serious involvement. A new dating app for girls came along, and I found my current gf. We've been together a year and a half ish now. And so much has changed, hubby eventually told some of his family - which I'm certain lead to his dad feeling comfortable enough to finally out himself too. I still don't dance naked shouting from the roof tops, but I am more myself and don't have to always make excuses anymore - which is way more comfortable for me. And means I can be fairly openly public with my sexuality, my neighbours being the last nosy fuckers who gossip and could do damage being left really.
So that brings me to now. Where I think I'm approaching the edges of splits ville with the gf, more recently I've realised bits of us as a couple are really unhealthy, toxic even. I knew from the start we wouldn't last forever, as I was her first ... but I guess it's a watch this space and see how it goes.
At the end of October the hubby and I will be making our yearly trip to a long time stomping ground. We make the trip at least once a year. This year though I am very excited, as I have lost a bit of weight so I have a bit more options in what I can wear while there and since it will be during Halloween I get to wear a sexier costume too.
The only thing that is making me nervous is an incident that happened last year. We like to go into gentleman clubs(strip clubs) and have a bit of fun watching/talking to the dancers. Well last year my husband was drugged in a club there. We only had one or two small drinks prior to going in. The dancers were not my type so we didn't plan on staying long. My hubby asked for a drink as I sat in front of a stage talking with a dancer. She was trying to distract me by dancing on me and when that didn't work, she lifted my shirt/bra up and bit me on the left breast. Not a sexy bite either. She bit the hell out of me. Needless to say, I got up and told the hubbs we were leaving. When we made it outside he fell to the ground and couldn't get up by himself. Then he felt like he'd been paralyzed. He could barely talk. It took me an hour and a half to carry him (6'4"tall 300lbs) to our hotel that was only a few blocks away. It was scary and horrifying for us both. So that is stuck in my mind as I make our plans for this trip. Like I said, I am really excited to go but it makes me afraid to have even one drink while we're there and I'm worried about going to any strip clubs. This really sucks. :( I enjoy a nice romp with the dancers.
Ok here goes
I met this lady at a festival and we have been friends for two years now. She has also stayed at our home with others. Nothing has ever happened between us apart from the usual banter (Dh saying things like he normally does ) while sitting around the fire. I had just put snapchat on my phone as Ds1 was on it all the time. So I asked if I could add them, loads of banter between us all on a group chat
This time she was down it seemed she was flirting a little bit. We carried on chatting in the group snapchat. I messaged her and we have been chatting about everything, sending silly photos. I even told her about me admitting to my niece that I'm bisexual. I thought she already new, she took it well.
I am working nights from Friday so the night before I stay up till about 3 am then sleep in the day. She has offered to keep me company by phone for as long as she can stay awake.
I am hoping that she would like something to happen between us and be more than friends . I needed to write it down as I don't want to say much to Dh yet. He is so supportive with everything and I will tell him before anything starts but I just need to know from her that she wants me. I hope it will happen but if it doesn't I still have an amazing friend forever.
We had an amazing time at the festival, some nights we stayed up till 5am just talking. One night we got to go back to her tent and spend time alone ;D she made feel amazing. It's been two weeks and talk every day. She is the one for me. I am so happy that she chose me.
I think I managed about two hours sleep every night and a few naps in the afternoon.
Dh is amazing, he is the most supportive man and he has my heart. I love him more than words can say.
Thank you for reading
Today was the day I deleted my tinder. I have had it for a month or so now and decided to delete it. I have had no luck in my area and the people I did match with couldn't hold a conversation.
Not giving up that hope but it is really hard out there lol thank goodness this site is here so I don't go too crazy