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Who Is Married To A Man, Yet Bi, And How Is That Working Out?

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#1 Ocean Horizon

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Posted 07 December 2016 - 01:57 PM

Hello all!

I am new to the site and very happy to be here!  I have a question for those who are married to  man, and have come out during their marriage. I have identified myself a couple of years ago, and am still trying to find a balance.  I do love my husband and the life we have created with each other.   Yet, there is such a big piece that is missing for me.  He is aware of my sexuality, and is very supportive, yet also very scared that I will fall in love with a woman and leave.  That is not my intention.  However, I can't imagine ever not being with a woman again!  It's pretty awesome....

This is a brief intro to a topic to which I will add later, but just thought I would open discussion...

Thank you so much!

#2 TBD78

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Posted 07 December 2016 - 02:37 PM

Hi Ocean and welcome.  There are a lot of good threads about this topic that you will discover as you settle into Shy.   I think one of the most important pieces for being married and exploring is communication with your hubby and reassuring him.  Make sure he is always aware of your love and desire for him.

Depending on who you explore with - yes,  there is a chance you will fall in love with a woman, especially If the connection and chemistry is strong.   This for sure will be something you will have to balance and navigate.

#3 softdeedee

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Posted 07 December 2016 - 03:20 PM

I am married my husband does not know....he would never accept it....I have not yet been with a woman but would love to as long as she is understanding of my situation and I would be understanding of hers also.  I think that is so important.
Dee :)

#4 Hi I'm Bi

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Posted 07 December 2016 - 03:26 PM

Hi Ocean Horizon, beautiful name. My life reads a lot like your post, except that my husband doesn't seem to think i would run off with a woman if i was with one, but he thinks i would be more likely to if i was with another man.  Which I'm pretty sure is true for me. I think that even if i really fell for a woman and had an intense relationship with her, i would still want to be with my husband because we are so close and have such a wonderful life together.  Still, it could all get very complicated emotionally. For now i am happy just fantasizing about being with my best friend and keeping the fantasy just between me and my husband. I'm secretly hoping though that she is secretly desiring me and that she will let me know soon. In the meantime my husband is getting more used to the idea of me being bi and me wanting to be with my best friend since i told him about my feelings about 2 months ago.

#5 Cute&Curious

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Posted 07 December 2016 - 05:37 PM

I'm married with 2 kids, I admitted my feelings to my husband almost a year ago and he responded badly. He was and still is unsupportive and unwilling to allow me to explore in any way. I believe he, like your husband, is afraid I will fall in love with a woman and leave him. He's also pretty caught up in the idea of monogamy being the only form of relationships. You sound very similar to myself, I love my husband and the life we have together and certainly don't want to lose that. But there's something missing, something he can't give me, I'm incomplete, unfulfilled and unhappy. I hope you have a better situation than that which I'm currently living

#6 Neilluuli

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Posted 07 December 2016 - 07:02 PM

I am married and have 5 children. I told my husband about a year ago that I am bi. He surprised me and was okay with it, and he is super supportive. I have not had aN opportunity as of yet to explore this side of me, but I hope to. He encoutages me and has even playfully teased me when I am talking with my BFF because he know I have a MAJOR crush on her. She knows but as of now has no intrest, but I am okay with being just friends with her. Eventually like I said I hope to find the right woman.
Life is way too short to spend another day at war with yourself.

#7 Ocean Horizon

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Posted 07 December 2016 - 09:21 PM

Hi everyone!  Thank you for the responses!

As I said, I came out to my husband two years ago, and it has been a bit of a roller coaster to say the least.  Communication is the key.  I met a woman through another site, (not a dating site) and she was the same position as me, just telling our husbands. She lived over 400 miles away, therefore we communicated via email, phone, text and facetime.  We really connected and were a great support for each other.  We did get together twice, the first for both of us.  My husband knew everything.  I don't think it can be any other way for me.  The first time as soon as I got home, he asked "Were you together?" I said yes, and he emotionally fell apart.  I guess he thought I wouldn't go through with it... It took a lot of talking, but somehow I was able to get to see her again.  It was better for him the second time.  My relationship with her ended, as she immediately divorced and wanted a partner, which was not the same path I was choosing.

After that ended, he felt "well, you did it, it is over, make a choice".  He knows my choice is him, but then he saw how unhappy I was.  I really lost my energy, my zest, my spark.  Now that I was acknowledging my identity, I just could not push it away.   I had done that all of my life.

So after many more months of conversation, and me reassuring him, he seems to be understanding more, and may be more accepting of me continuing this side of me.  We have a lot more talking to do, as I want to be fully clear as to all expectations.

So, I am a little optimistic, however cautiously so.  Nothing will ever be perfect, and it will all take a lot of work.  I just know that I can not put this side of me away.   I can't go backwards.  It is so freeing, such a good feeling.

If anyone has any advice or anything to share, I would love to hear!  And if anyone has any questions for me, please ask!

#8 63395

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Posted 07 December 2016 - 11:21 PM

I don't think there is such a thing as a husband who is truly okay with his wife being bi, although plenty try really hard to make it all work.

Check out straight spouse.org website (click on their chat room). Your husband probably already has. It's pretty heartbreaking and enlightening.

They definitely feel that "bisexual" is just a way of us having the benefits of marriage , and that we wouldn't even mention it if our true desire wasn't to be with a woman. They feel it's a way to soften the blow for the guy.

#9 Usagi.fangirl

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Posted 07 December 2016 - 11:25 PM

I'm married and came out to him (and myself) as bi earlier this year. Like other women have said, communication is key.

My husband is really supportive and wants me to find happiness in whatever form it comes. I'm free to date outside of my marriage, and I hope to someday fall in love with a woman, preferably one that is married with kids like I am. My hubby believes that our love is strong enough to work through it, even if the form of our relationship changes in time. Discussing these things has made us both be honest about our fears. He fears not being able to compete sexually with a woman, and I fear discovering I only want to be with a woman. I haven't had the privilege of being sexual with a woman yet, so it's still very unknown for me. One thing that is certain is that we are united in our efforts to find a way to make this work.

A book I would recommend is "Polyamory In The 21st Century" by Deborah Anapol. She gives many diverse examples of what polyamory looks like, and I really value her take on monogamy, jealousy, and love. Ultimately, she argues that we should mindfully chose to love in whatever form works best, which includes monogamy. It's a great read and I'm certain you could find something useful for both you and your husband.

I hope you guys work through this and come out the other side stronger!

And to those women on here who don't have supportive husbands, my heart goes out for you. I can't imagine how hard that is to be forced to chose between your happiness and your family, or have to sneak around. At least you have this website, for what it's worth.

#10 Ocean Horizon

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Posted 07 December 2016 - 11:39 PM

63395, you are correct.  I shouldn't say he is okay with it.  He robably reallywishes it was not so.  However, he supports that this is who I am, and acknowledges that it won't go away.  He wants me to be happy.  As  said earlier, we have a lot of talking and working things out ahead of us.

#11 Ocean Horizon

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Posted 08 December 2016 - 12:08 AM

Usagi.fangirl,
Thank you for responding. It is really nice to hear your situation.  I am remaining hopeful that we continue to work together, and seek to find a balance.   I will check out that book!

So, what is your next step?  How are you moving forward?

#12 roselove

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Posted 08 December 2016 - 02:06 AM

My husband is the first person I came out to.  It has been a few years now.  He was worried I wanted to leave him for a woman at first.  We talked and I told him I was not leaving him because I love him dearly.  We have had many talks about our concerns.  Now he is so supportive of me he actually helped me to set up my profile on a dating site.  We talk about everything which is so important.  

I am sure if you and your husband keep the lines of communication open it will help you both.

#13 Ocean Horizon

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Posted 08 December 2016 - 02:49 AM

Roselove,
Thank you for your post.  It is so reassuring to hear others in the same position making it work.  Yes, communication is key.

How did it work with the dating site?  Successful?

#14 Usagi.fangirl

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Posted 08 December 2016 - 04:45 PM

View PostOcean Horizon, on 08 December 2016 - 12:08 AM, said:

Usagi.fangirl,
Thank you for responding. It is really nice to hear your situation.  I am remaining hopeful that we continue to work together, and seek to find a balance.   I will check out that book!

So, what is your next step?  How are you moving forward?
It's a complicated thing, but being open and honest in your communications (both of you) gives you the best chance of finding a way to make this work for everyone.

Right now my next step is putting myself out there. I want to start dating but I'm not in a huge rush. This is all still very new to me, and I have a lot of big changes on the horizon, including moving to a new city. I'm hoping to get on some dating apps soon, but again, I'm in no rush. My main priority right now is making sure my relationship with my husband is on good footing. I want to make sure we are in a really good place before I start something serious with someone new. I'm also going to reread the polyamory book I mentioned, because I could use to hear the wisdom and insight again.

#15 Cute&Curious

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Posted 08 December 2016 - 05:58 PM

You ladies are amazing, I look up to all of you who can make this work. My question to you is this...how did you get your husbands to understand and see things from your point of view? Or does that just come naturally to certain male personalities and leave others with the inability to ever comprehend it?

#16 Ocean Horizon

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Posted 08 December 2016 - 08:32 PM

Cute&Curious,

I can only speak from my situation.  I don't think I got him to think of any certain way.  I think it depends on the individual.  It also is not as easy as it sounds.  It has been a bit of a rollercoaster for both us, individually and together. He has gone through a variety of emotions, as have I, and I think being patient, understanding and honest have to be three key factors.

I also know that this is ongoing.  I am not dating now, so it is easy to communicate when there is no one else in the picture.  It is very important to me to be sure our foundation is strong.  I won't go behind his back.  I don't need to share all of the details with him when I do, but I have to feel confident that we are in a good place.

#17 Ocean Horizon

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Posted 08 December 2016 - 08:33 PM

Usagi.fangirl,

I agree with you 100%

#18 pageturner

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Posted 09 December 2016 - 10:29 PM

View PostCute&Curious, on 08 December 2016 - 05:58 PM, said:

You ladies are amazing, I look up to all of you who can make this work. My question to you is this...how did you get your husbands to understand and see things from your point of view? Or does that just come naturally to certain male personalities and leave others with the inability to ever comprehend it?

TBH I was never certain how my husband would take things. He's very quiet and doesn't state his opinion if not asked. So I told him about my first attraction and gauged his reaction and then took it from there. If he'd reacted negatively at any stage I would not have pursued. I'm lucky in that he is open-minded. That's part of what makes him so attractive to me.

#19 Cute&Curious

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Posted 09 December 2016 - 10:39 PM

View Postpageturner, on 09 December 2016 - 10:29 PM, said:



TBH I was never certain how my husband would take things. He's very quiet and doesn't state his opinion if not asked. So I told him about my first attraction and gauged his reaction and then took it from there. If he'd reacted negatively at any stage I would not have pursued. I'm lucky in that he is open-minded. That's part of what makes him so attractive to me.
I don't know where all you ladies found these open minded husbands, clearly I missed the boat on that one because mine's about as closed minded as they get lol

#20 BayGoddess

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Posted 09 December 2016 - 10:53 PM

I told my husband I was bi before we ever started dating. I told him I couldn't be with someone who couldn't accept that. The guy I was with prior to meeting him was insecure and controlling and couldn't handle the thought of me being satisfied by another woman. That relationship ended fairly quickly lol
My husband is super supportive of it, has never asked to be involved and has always encouraged me to do what makes me happy. He knows that it's part of who I am and he would rather I be honest with myself than behaving like it's something to be ashamed of.





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