I Acted on my Bisexual Feelings a Year Ago, but am still Unsure..
"Here's the deal. I've been married for 5 years. For some reason, the urge to be with a woman did not start until after I was married? Wait, well, I do recall a female that I was very attracted to at a young age (around 16). I worked at a party store. She walked in to shop and I thought she was beautiful. I actually got wet looking at her but I didn't really understand what was going on then. But from that point up until a few years ago, I had not really thought about being with women.
I was with a woman for the first time over a year ago. We were together twice. Since I was with one woman twice, am I classified as a bisexual now? Can I really consider myself to be bicurious if I have already had the experience, no matter how good or bad it turned out? The first time just really sucked with her. She talked about how experienced she was so I thought she would get things going. We stayed in her front room with all the lights on. We just took our clothes off and she immediately went down on me. No foreplay, no getting in the mood...Not exactly how I imagined my first time with a woman.
I went down on her once I felt comfortable but I didn't like doing it all. I actually have more respect for my husband for doing it for me because I just did not like it. When she went down on me, I did not have an orgasm. Round two came a few months later, only because I didn't have any other options at the time and I did think she was attractive. This time I got to suck her breasts which is what I enjoyed the most. We went down on each other. I must be pretty good for a newbie because she climaxed both times and I didn't orgasm either of the times. For a while, I thought that maybe that meant that I didn't really desire to be with women and that I was only fascinated by the idea of being with women. Then I thought about it again and even though I thought she was attractive, I just figured we didn't have much sexual chemistry.
Before I go on and on, I have not been with a woman besides my experience with her and the urge is killing me. I have talked to the husband about it and he is only okay with me being with a woman if he can have sex with her, too. Call me selfish but I don't think that's fair. It's not like I'm asking to have sex with the opposite sex which is what he would be doing if he had sex with another woman.
I almost want to seek someone online, meet up with them, and have a secret play pal behind his back. We are pretty open with each other so I don't know how long that would last. He does not know about my other experience and never will! I just don't know what to do. I don't want my husband to sleep with other women but I want to sleep with other women. Not numerous women, maybe just have one female "friend" to explore with when the urge hits. Is that selfish? I don't see this urge going away any time soon. I masturbate to women having sex together on TV, not male/female sex. I fantasize about being with women or seeing naked women when I want a quick orgasm. I can never last through the whole scene when I watch two or three women going at it, it is that much of a turn on for me. Our sex life is okay but like most guys he wants more sex and more head than I give. I just don't feel the urge to do it as often. I don't know if that is related to my desire to be with a woman. Am I totally nuts ladies? "
I Have Such A Desire to be with a Woman !
"No you are not nuts! I think that most of the women here can sympathize with your situation, i know i can. although my husband has not demanded to sleep with any potential partners, he does want to be there and does want to participate with me, just not do anything with the other girl. And i think this is a fair soluation. That way he is still involved, but he just isnt having sex with another woman. I am curious to know, if he knows you are curious, why would you not tell him that at one point you have been with anothre woman? And before you geta friend behind his back, just think about this, how would you feel if you learned that he had a girlfriend behind your back? I guess you just have to evaluate your relationship and see if it is worth the consequences. as far as your not wanting to have sex often with him, i can relate to that also. hubby and i average 1-2 times a week, and though i can usually make myself cum, i am never the initiator. i just have no desire to have sex. i find my husband sexy, and he is very good in bed, but its the beforehand, i just could care less about having sex. i also think this is because i have such a desire to be with a woman, that i just cannot stop thinking about it, and when he asks me for sex, and i know it is not going to be what i really want, i just can't put myself in the mood and look foreward to it. does this make sense?"
"Answer to first question: are you bisexual now? Hmm...well I tend to believe that we, as humans, are all bisexual. Though the Kinsey scale asserts a bisexual continuum, bracketed by absolute hetero and homo, I don't think absolutes exist. I find it hard to believe that anyone is absolutely anything. So, by may standards, yes, you are bisexual. Now, how you feel about being bisexual is something else entirely. And I get the idea that you aren't all that comfortable with the idea."
"Now that I look back at your post, it reads like you are scared and excited by the identity simultaneously. That's completely normal. I get excited by things that scare the hell out of me! And I also love the journey to make these things not so scary. As I can recall, admitting to spouse that I wanted a woman in a bad way was ratrher difficult. Though things are great now. Now I see that you've discussed this with him to some extent. You've told him how you feel, but he wants it his way. Pretty typical. Mens egos are fragile, and with the implied lack of sex between you two, I can understadn why he might feel a bit threatened. Allowing him to have sex with your consort gives him a sense of control. Your sexuality, emotions, and relationship should not revolve around power or control unless you are very in tune to those aspects. (This should be a whole different thread.)
At any rate, I also understand your desire to want her all to yourself. I see my kids do that with their friends all the time! It doesn't matter if you're having sex or not. Sharing is difficult sometimes, especially when dealing with taboo issues such as sex. It is important, however, that you understand that when you do fool around with another women, it is still fooling around. The sex or gender of your "friend" is irrelevant. If I were to use your argument in your husband's defense, imagine how you you would feel if he told you he was interested in sleeping with other men? This does happen. Both if us are bi, and we seek out people together and seperately. However we are brutally honest with each other and, one always has veto power over the other. So this means we meet each other's dates and so forth. If I'm interested in someone, I tell my partner, and the same goes for him.
Now, the cool thing is that once we established this understanding, our sex life was replenished. I was able to talk about my feelings, who I was attracted to and why. And the ironic thing is that once we freed each other, my insatiable desire for women had become mysteriously satiated. That's not to say that I haven't been on dates, and that I'm not interested. It's just that it's not making me crazy anymore, and I have the ablility to really examine how my feelings fluctuate. For example, I tend to want men during ovulation, and the closer I get to menstruation, the more I want to be with women. But that's me.
Furthermore, I want more sex than my partner can handle sometimes. It's a good thing he works out! I've been known to call him at work and ask him to come home so we can have some lovin'! And he's turned me down before too! (Not very often though!). What I can say for you and your husband is that you need to have a long talk, especially if you've been with someone else behind his back. That's a big deal, to me. Good luck, and if you need anything, we're here!"
He, being like most men wants to take part..
"I have been married for 13 years and never been with a woman. My husband and I have talked about it many times, he, being like most men wants to take part, but me on the other hand want it for myself. Anyway, I can look but no play rule comes into affect.
You see my fear is that I could not just have a sexual partner in a woman, there would be feelings (for me) attached. And I feel that would then or could lead to problems down the road. He says that it would not bother him if I had a girlfriend, but I believe it would. Our marriage has gone through a lot, he had a affair that lasted six months and hide it for 2 years, so I know how very hard it is to think of the person you love having been with and caring for another.
I don't think one way is best for every couple and I think a lot of communication comes into play. You have to meet in the middle with your spouse."